Stupid, Ridiculous and Long

I don't know why I did this. It doesn't make any sense. it defies all logic. Yet here it is. A list of all the CDs that I own with short (less than 10 word) reviews. This will interest no one. Not even me really. But if you want a glimpse of my musical tastes, forge ahead. I put this up on a Sunday for reason, though. No one checks my blog on Sunday.

1. AC/DC -- Back in Black -- Best hard rock album ever.


2. Aerosmith -- Pump -- Haven't listened to it yet


3. Al Hirt -- The Best of Dixieland -- Great if you like Dixieland


4. Alicia Keys -- Songs in A Minor -- Not really my cuppa tea


5. Baby Einstein -- Baby Mozart -- Stuck in my head for months


6. Bad Company -- 10 From 6 -- "Greatest" "Hits" I guess


7. Bad Company -- 10 From 6 -- Two copies of this???


8. Beastie Boy -- Ill Communication -- Beastie's best, according to me.


9. Beastie Boy -- Hello Nasty -- Was cool in 1998. Really.


10. Beck -- Odelay -- Great album from 1996


11. Beethoven -- The Complete Symphonies 1 -- Self-explanatory


12. Beethoven -- The Complete Symphonies 2 -- Self-explanatory


13. Better Than Ezra -- Deluxe -- Why do I own this? (WDIOT)


14. Big Brother and the Holding Company -- Cheap Thrills -- Not as good as you think


15. Bill Cosby -- To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With -- Funny in a not-crude way


16. Billboard -- Top hits of the 90's -- All the songs you hate to love


17. Black Rebel motorcycle Club -- Take Them on On Your Own -- Sounds better than it is*


18. Bloc Party -- Silent Alarm -- They're Canadian, but it's still good


19. Bloodhound Gang -- One Fierce Beer Coaster -- Hilarious when you are sixteen


20. Blues Brothers -- The Definitive Collection -- Totally awesome fake blues


21. Bob Brozman & Ledward Kaapana -- Kika Kila Meets Ki Hoalu -- Hawaiian guitars, for what its' worth


22. Bob Dylan -- Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits -- Reminds you how good Dylan was


23. Bread -- Baby I'm A Want You -- Horribly sappy wuss "rock"


24. Bright Eyes -- Lifted or The Story is in the Soil, Keep your Ear to the Ground -- I do not like this*


25. Brother Cane -- Seeds -- WDIOT?


26. Bruce Springsteen -- We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions -- Really, really great.


27. Bruce Springsteen -- Greetings from Asbury Park -- Meh. He gets better later


28. Bruce Springsteen -- Greatest Hits -- Excellent driving music


29. Buddy Holly -- Greatest Hits -- Every song sounds the same.


30. Bush -- Sixteen Stone -- Doesn't stand the test of time


31. Cake -- Fashion Nugget -- The only Cake album you need


32. Candlebox -- Candlebox -- WDIOT?


33. Coldplay -- Parachutes -- Cheesy but delicions. Like Mozarella sticks


34. Coldplay -- A Rush of Blood to the Head -- great Album name. Good album.


35. Coldplay -- X&Y -- Not very good. Actually, it's boring.


36. Collective Soul -- Hints Allegations, And Things Left unsaid -- Sounded good in 1994. Not now.


37. Collective Soul -- Collective Soul -- Ditto.


38. Cracker -- Kerosene Hat -- I still like this one.


39. Cream -- Strange Brew -- Better than the movie with the same name


40. Creedence Clearwater Revival -- Chronicles -- Classic CCR hits. That says it all.


41. D.J. Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince -- ..And In This Corner -- From the free box.


42. Danny Gatton -- 88 Elmira St. -- Best guitar album ever.


43. DGC Rarities -- Volume 1 -- Also from the free box.


44. Discovery Toys -- Sounds Like fun -- Kiddy music. Annoyingly catchy,.


45. Ella Fitzgerald -- The Best of the Song Books -- Do you need me to explain?


46. Elvis Costello -- Brutal youth -- Have you heard it? I haven't


47. Eric Clapton -- Unplugged -- Mostly blues.


48. Eric Clapton -- One More Car, One More Rider -- Live, and long. And kind of boring


49. Eric Clapton -- The Rainbow Concert -- ??????


50. Every Day Life -- Disgruntled -- Christian angry suckiness


51. Every Day Life -- American Standard -- Also sucks. Like Rage but suckier.


52. Five iron Frenzy -- Upbeats and Beatdowns -- Christian Ska. Was popular in 97, I swear.


53. Franz Ferdinand -- Franz Ferdinand -- If you're cool, you think this isn't.


54. Golden Books Music -- Silly Songs -- The description is very apt.


55. Green Day -- Dookie -- Tried selling it. No takers.


56. Guns 'N' Roses -- Appetite for Destruction -- Totally rocking. GnR used to be good


57. Hellcat Recods -- Give 'em the Boot -- Crap, for the most part.


58. Hot Hot heat -- Make Up The Breakdown -- Tries to be good.* Fails.


59. Interpol -- Turn on The Bright Lights -- I don't get their appeal.*


60. Iron Butterfly -- Light and Heavy: The Best Of -- I liked Inna Gada Davida. How stupid.


61. Jack johnson -- Brushfire Fairytales -- Happy poppy songs vol. 1


62. Jack johnson -- On And On -- Happy poppy songs vol. 2


63. Jack johnson -- Lullabies and Sing-a-Longs: Music From Curious George -- happy poppy songs vol. 3


64. Janis Joplin -- Pearl -- Joplin's posthumous masterpiece


65. Jesse Colin Young -- Light Shine -- Pretty good singer/songwriter junk.


66. Jimi Hendrix -- The Ultimate Experience -- All his best. He was a good guitarist, yo.


67. Jimmy Buffet -- Songs You Know By Heart -- I embarassed how much I like it.


68. Jimmy Buffet -- Beach House On The Moon -- Meh.


69. Joanie Bartels -- Put On Your Dancing Shoes -- Great, now it's in my head.


70. John Linnel -- State Songs -- TMBG solo dude. You wouldn't like it.


71. John Mellencamp -- The Best That I Could Do -- That is his best? Hmmm.


72. Kansas -- The Best Of -- I think this was $3 used. Sounds about right.


73. Killers -- Hot Fuss -- Wishes it was cooler.


74. Kings of Leon -- Youth and Young Manhood -- Totally rules.


75. Kings of Leon -- Aha Shake Heartbreak -- Totally Ruleser


76. Lauryn Hill -- The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill -- Good. For a girl, I mean.


77. Led Zeppelin -- I -- Led Zeppelin's third best


78. Led Zeppelin -- II -- Led Zeppelin's Best


79. Led Zeppelin -- III -- Led Zeppeiin's 6th best


80. Led Zeppelin -- IV (ZOSO) -- Led Zeppelin's second best


81. Led Zeppelin -- Physical Graffiti -- Led Zeppelin's fourth best


82. Led Zeppelin -- Houses Of the Holy -- Led Zeppelin's Fifth best


83. Led Zeppelin -- Presence -- Led Zeppelin's worst.


84. Led Zeppelin -- The BBC Sessions -- Reminds you how awesome they were.


85. Loudflower -- Happy Now? -- Owned if for 8 years. Never heard it.


86. Louis Jordan -- The Best Of -- Choo-choo Ch-boogie. Ch-boogie.


87. Lynyrd Skynyrd -- Gold and Platinum -- They have enough hits for two CDs?


88. Madonna -- American Life -- I'm not proud of this.


89. Manu Chao -- Clandestino -- If you haven't hear of them, you should.


90. Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris -- All The Roadrunning -- Could have been better.


91. Meat Puppets -- Too High to Die -- The harmonies are strangely beautiful.


92. Mike Doughty -- Haughty melodic -- Like Soul Coughing, but less so.


93. Miles Davis -- Birth of the Cool -- Truly cool jazz.


94. Mitch Hedberg -- Mitch All Together -- Funniest comedian ever. He's dead though.


95. Mitch Hedberg -- Strategic Grill Locations -- Ducks eat free at Subway.


96. Mono Puff -- It's Fun To Steal -- Flansbugh goes solo. It's okay.


97. Mono Puff -- Unsupervised -- And again.


98. Mortal -- Mortal -- Christian Heavy techno. Kinda sucks.


99. Mozart -- Favorites -- duh.


100. Neil Young -- After The Gold Rush -- The one with "Southern Man"


101. Neutral Milk Hotel -- In The Aeroplane Over The Sea -- I hate these guys.*


102. Nirvana -- Nevermind -- Ah, remember the heyday of grunge?*


103. Nirvana -- In Utero -- Nirvana's best. Kick-you-in-the-face good.*


104. Nirvana -- Nirvana -- A good survey of their career


105. Nirvana -- Unplugged in New York -- Best unplugged. Ever.


106. Nirvana -- Bleach -- Produced for $600. Sounds like it.*


107. No Doubt -- Rock Steady -- Not bad for a band with a chick singer.


108. No Doubt -- Tragic Kingdom -- Seriously, every song was a hit.


109. Norman Greenbaum -- Spirit in the Sky, The Best of -- Spirit in the Sky and some junk.


110. Oasis -- What's the Story Morning Glory -- Bloated but great


111. Oasis -- Don't Believe the Truth -- Oasis' return to form. Slightly overproduced


112. Oasis -- Definitely Maybe -- Dirty, boozy, druggy rock.


113. Otis Redding -- The Ultimate Otis Redding -- Great for slow dancing.


114. P.O.D -- Brown -- I knew them before they were big.


115. P.O.D. -- Snuff The Punk -- But they still sucked.


116. Paul McCartney -- Chaos and Creation in the Backyard -- Three good songs. 9 bad ones.


117. Paul Simon -- Graceland -- Top 5 album ever.


118. Paul Simon -- You're the One -- good for an old dude.


119. Paul Simon -- Negotiations and Love Songs -- Greatest Greatest hits album.


120. Pete Bulanow -- Fan Into Flame -- I know this dude. It's all good.


121. Phish -- Hoist -- I wish I hated this. Phish is for hippies


122. Quartetto Gelato -- Neapolitan Café -- If you like Italian folk, it's for you.


123. R.E.M. -- Green -- I love that Orange Crush song.


124. R.E.M. -- Automatic for the People -- Everybody Hurts. Especially when listening to this.


125. Radiohead -- OK Computer -- Weird and wonderful. Best album since 1994.


126. Radiohead -- Amnesiac -- Unlistenable trash*


127. Radiohead -- Kid A -- Slightly more listenable almost-trash.*


128. Radiohead -- The Bends -- Not as weird, but just as wonderful.*


129. Rage Against the Machine -- Rage Against the Machine -- Sure it was prepackaged. But I liked it.*


130. Rage Against the Machine -- Evil Empire -- "Funky" rhythms are the rule of the day.*


131. Red Hot Chili Peppers -- By the Way -- Just like Californication, which was good.


132. Red Hot Chili Peppers -- Blood Sugar Sex Magic -- do you need to ask?


133. Rock For Life -- Recorded Live at TOM Fest '96 -- Mediocre Christian rock. Live!


134. Rocky Horror -- International -- Magenta! Dr. Franenfurter! In Other Languages!!!


135. Rotten Apples -- The Yakima Music Compilation -- Yakima music is not so good.


136. School of Rock -- Official Soundtrack -- I love this movie.*


137. Screaming Trees -- Sweet Oblivion -- They were from Ellensburg, not Seattle.


138. Shakira -- Laundry Service -- Whenever, Wherever. Whatever.


139. Shannon McNally and Neal Casal -- Ran on Pure Lightning -- Alt-country pleasure.


140. Silage -- Watusi -- WDIOT? The Christian edition!


141. Simon and Garfunkel -- Greatest Hits -- Worth it, just for Cecilia


142. Smashing Pumpkins -- Siamese Dream -- They had so much potential here!


143. Snow Patrol -- Final Straw -- Two good songs. Several boring ones.


144. Soul Coughing -- Irresistable Bliss -- Funky jams, my man!


145. Soul Coughing -- El Oso -- Sounds just like Irresistable Bliss! *


146. Soundgarden -- Down on the Upside -- This is not really grunge.


147. Soundgarden -- Superunknown -- This is their best. Still not grunge.


148. Squad Five-O -- What I Believe -- Ridiculous, sucky, Christian "punk"


149. Stan Getz -- Bossa Nova -- Brazilian beauty. Includes vocals by Astrid [something].


150. Star Wars -- A New Hope Soundtrack -- The only Star Wars CD I own.


151. Steve Miller Band -- Livin' in the USA -- There might be several more songs other than the title.


152. Steve Miller Band -- Greatest Hits 1974-78 -- Play going to Mexico!!!!


153. Sweet Miss -- The Day We Lost -- The brickwife's cousin's band. Not bad!


154. Sweet Water -- Superfriends -- Punk-pop crap. WDIOT?


155. Temple of The Dog -- Temple of The Dog -- Proto-Pearl Jam + Soundgarden = Good


156. The Beatles -- Anthology 1 -- Extrtaneous Beatles Jams


157. The Beatles -- Anthology 2 -- More Extraneous Beatles jams


158. The Beatles -- Live at the BBC -- Boy, old BBC recordings stink.


159. The Beatles -- One -- All the Beatles songs you know.


160. The Beatles -- The Beatles (White Album) -- Number Nine, number nine, number nine.


161. The Beatles -- Rubber Soul -- Sounds bad, but really it's good. Tricky.


162. The Beatles -- Abbey Road -- The Walrus was Paul.


163. The Beatles -- Let it Be -- Swan songs are always sad.


164. The Black Crowes -- Shake Your Money Maker -- Like the 60's transported to the 90's


165. The Clash -- London Calling -- I really should like it. I don't.*


166. The Darkness -- Permission to Land -- All one big joke.*


167. The Decemberists -- Her Majesty -- Colin Meloy, boo.*


168. The Doobie Brothers -- Best of the Doobies -- I bought this because the brickgirlfriend like it.


169. The Doors -- Greatest Hits -- The only Doors you need.


170. The Guess Who -- Greatest Hits -- No, really! Guess Who!


171. The Hives -- Tyrannosaurus Hives -- A Stupid album name for a stupid album.*


172. The Insyderz -- Motor City Ska -- More Christian ska.


173. The Pixies -- Wave of Mutilation -- Where was my mind when I bought this?*


174. The Postal Service -- Give Up -- Sterotypical hipster music. I like it.


175. The Roches -- The Roches -- They are Maggie and Terre and Suzzy.


176. The Rocky Horror Picture Show -- Original Soundtrack -- Let's All Do the Time Warp~


177. The Rocky Horror Picture Show -- Original Soundtrack -- One more time (same disc)


178. The Rolling Stones -- Hot Rocks 1964-1971 -- It Takes two discs to hold their hits


179. The Secret Machines -- Ten Silver Drops -- Super good.


180. The Secret Machines -- Now Here Is Nowhere -- Super better.


181. The Shins -- Oh, Inverted World -- Not too whiny!


182. The Shins -- Chutes Too Narrow -- Best album of 2003


183. The Slackers -- Wasted Days -- White-boy "reggae"


184. The Stray Cats -- The Best Of -- They are going to rock this town. It’s true.


185. The Strokes -- Room on Fire -- The Strokes, huh huh huh. Strokes.*


186. The Supertones -- Supertones Strike Back -- WDIO so much Christian ska?


187. The Supertones -- The Supertones -- Again with the Christian ska????


188. The Traveling Wilburys -- Volume 1 -- The superest of super groups


189. The Who -- Who's Next -- Third best album in history.


190. The Who -- Tommy -- Not bad, for a rock opera.


191. The Wiggles -- Dance Party -- The brickson's favorite.


192. They Might Be Giants -- They Might Be Giants -- TMBG's first.


193. They Might Be Giants -- Lincoln -- TMBG's second and best.


194. They Might Be Giants -- Miscellaneous T -- B-sides and stuff


195. They Might Be Giants -- Flood -- istanbul, not Constantinople. It's all good


196. They Might Be Giants -- Apollo 18 -- Are you starting to see a trend


197. They Might Be Giants -- John Henry -- here?


198. They Might Be Giants -- The Sun is a Mass of Incandescent Gas -- A TMBG EP. How sad


199. They Might Be Giants -- Back to Skull -- Another EP. Am I that much of a loser?


200. They Might Be Giants -- Factory Showroom -- They might be popular? Nope.


201. They Might Be Giants -- S-E-X-X-Y -- A third EP. I will go shoot myself.


202. They Might Be Giants -- Severe Tire Damage -- Mostly live. They have good shows.


203. They Might Be Giants -- Mink Car -- Released September 11, 2001.


204. They Might Be Giants -- The Spine -- Sounds like fun.


205. They Might Be Giants -- Indestructible Object -- One more EP, I swear this is it!


206. They Might Be Giants -- Then -- A huge dual-disc set. Only a few new songs


207. They Might Be Giants -- Here Come the ABC's -- Kids Album for grown ups


208. They Might Be Giants -- NO! -- Kids album number one.


209. They Might Be Giants -- Dial A Song -- Another dual disc monstrosity.


210. Three Dog Night -- Joy To The World, Their Greatest hits -- Not another TMBG? Weird


211. Tom Petty -- Wildflowers -- Makes me cry. Sometimes.


212. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers -- Greatest Hits -- All the good early stuff to save some money


213. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers -- The Last DJ -- His newest, I think.


214. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers -- Echo -- I love this one. It's haunting.


215. Tripping Daisy -- I Am An Elastic Firecracker -- I won it off the radio. Otherwise WDIOT?


216. U2 -- How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb -- WDIOT? It's a copy of someone else's.


217. Various -- The Very Best of Cole Porter -- Blah blah blah. Vaudeville.


218. Various -- Ska: The Third Wave Volume 2 -- I used to like ska. I'm sorry.


219. Various -- Disco Fever -- I think this was a joke gift.


220. Various -- Frat Rock: The 70's -- Sounds stupid, but it's actually good.


221. Various -- Frat Rock: More of the 70's -- Sounds stupider, but it's actually better


222. Various -- Class of '97 A Year in Review -- 1997 makes me want to cry.


223. Various -- The Very Best of MTV Unplugged -- Man, I hate the Cranberries.


224. Various -- Different Names for the Same Thing -- It came free with a magazine I think


225. Various -- O Brother Where Art Thou Soundtrack -- One of the world's great soundtracks.


226. Various -- It's Only Rock n Roll 1970-1974 -- Hits that have low royalties!


227. Various -- It's Only Rock n Roll 1965-1969 -- More hits that have low royalties!


228. Various -- The Best Overtures -- Classical gas.


229. Various -- Concert for George -- Something related to George harrison*


230. Various -- Guitar Magic -- Lovely classical guitar.


231. Various -- Born on the Blues -- A cheap blues CD from Target.


232. Violent Femmes -- Violent Femmes -- Lets me go wild.


233. Vivaldi -- Greatest Hits -- Several overtures that sound the same


234. Vivaldi -- Four Seasons, the Canadian Brass -- Several overtures that sound the same Brass edition


235. Walt Disney Records -- Disneyland Park: The Official Album -- I love Disneyland so much, I bought the album


236. Wayne's World -- Music From the motion Picture -- From the free box.


237. Weird Al Yankovic -- Dare To Be Stupid -- I'd throw it away, but someday brickson will be 12


238. Weird Al Yankovic -- In 3-D -- Repeat.


239. Wilco -- A Ghost Is Born -- The only Wilco Album I own. Awesome.

*indicates a CD that I either downloaded and burned or copied from someone else.

This list does not include albums I downloaded but have never burned. It may also not include all the CDs I actually have. Sometimes the hide places and wait for me to walk past and then jump out and scare me. I hate that.

Come On Everybody, Let's Do Some Rad Moves

Okay. I tried, I really did. I used by awesome powerpoint skillz to whip up a bunch of logos for my new church. I mean my church's new name. And what happened? It fell on deaf ears, or blind eyes. Well, eyes blind to anything but crude sexual imagery. Yes I'm looking at you.

Now that the name change is official, I'm giving it another go. I can't be the only one who has fun making crappy logos. If you're not careful, one of mine will be chosen by our illustrious leaders and you'll be up a crick without a paddle. So, here are two more for your enjoyment.






Also, this brings up a long-running question that the brickwife and I have had. Do all you east-coasters know what I mean when I say "crick?" As in, "my grandma had a crick in her yard." Is that an acceptable word out here?

Hit Me with A Two-by-Four

So, I felt like doing a little blog traffic analysis this afternoon. Here's what I found.


The chart above shows that, since my first full month of data last October, my average hits per weekday (about 90% of my total hits happen on weekdays) has increased by about 2 per month. That's a solid positive trend.

The great thing about this trend is that, if I keep up this growth rate, I will match the traffic that Deadspin (written mostly by the great Will Leitch) gets in less than 3800 years! Assuming that Deadspin's traffic does not grow at all.

Random Picture Friday: Blow Out!! DOg!!

Well, here we are again. Friday. Smells good, doesn't it? Kinda like pizza to me.
Boy do I have something great in store for you today: the best picture in the history of the universe. Here it is.....


I have decided that this picture can only improve any other picture ever taken. So get ready for the biggest random picture friday ever. I have picked several random pictures as case studies to prove that this dog can make any picture more interesting. Just watch.

Here's our first one, just good ol' Vladimir Putin drawing on a map.


But add the dog, and voila, now he is a sensitive dude that owns a little puppy instead of a cruel semi-tyrant! I'll admit that I've never heard of an arm dog before. A lap dog, sure (Hi Bass Head!) but never an arm dog. I think it works though, don't you?



Next up, we've got some dude named Richie playing the drums. This guy is a dime a dozen. You can find sucky drum players all over the world.


But a drumming dog? That's friggin' amazing!




Case Study 3. I'm sorry if your eyeballs burn out of your head after looking at this. I couldn't help but add to this absurdity. Actually, this one is kind of too easy. Anything would improve this picture.



Run little puppy, run! Don't let it eat you!


I don't know who these people are, or what they are doing, or why that girl seems to like rocks so much. This picture pretty much sucks.


After three years in captivity due to a broken wing, the valiant group of dog-healers finally set ol' Poochy free. Unfortunately, because he spent so much time in rehabilitation, he had forgotten how to fend for himself in the wild. He died three seconds after this picture was taken when he fell to his death because dogs can't fly you idiots.


Looks like a lot of people have been slain in the spirit or something at this hell-hole. I mean mall.


I like this explanation of all the injuries better. Regular size dog farts can smell bad enough, imagine a giant dog fart! (that will be the end of my fart joke career right there. Well, probably not, but it would be uncouth not to at least say it will)


This picture isn't bad, it's just boring. Unless you are one of the few people actually in the picture or at the party, who cares? Add a dog and it gets way more interesting to the public. Just watch...


See? See!? That dude in the background is having way too much fun with that puppy on his lap. (I said it would be the end of fart jokes. I said nothing about bestiality jokes.)


Okay, just one more. I think this finally shows the real reason for the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. Massive geological fault line my foot.

I'm In Love with the Tip of Your Iceberg

Well, well, well. It turns out that I'm older than I've ever been, and I'm not getting any younger. I'm so old, in fact, that going to a They Might Be Giants show doesn't excite me that much any more.

Oh sure, last night's show at the 9:30 club was good, it just wasn't The Best Show Ever (TBSE). But there was no way I was going to miss it. I;d missed the last 4 shows of theirs that I wanted to see, so I had to go to this one to bring my record back up to .500 (I'd been to three before last night). A quick run-down of the shows I missed: and in-store show and a theater show scheduled for September 12, 2001. I'm not sure why these two were cancelled. A July 2002 make up show in Seattle. An all-ages in-store show last February at Tyson's Corner. Anyway, I went, bought some overpriced beers, listened to some songs and went home.

It used to be that TMBG shows were incredibly memorable. The best one I went to was maybe the best concert in general I've ever been to. Even the brickwife (brickgirlfriend at the time) enjoyed it. Of course, it was at Bumbershoot in a 7,000 seat hockey arena that was jam packed, so that might have had something to do with how much energy there was. It was the kind of show where, even if you had never heard of them before, you would have had a blast. On a side note, do you know who was on stage right before them? Yep. Modest Mouse (this was in '98) and they sucked. Right after TMBG was Yo La Tengo, but we skipped out on them and went to see festival headliners The Squirrel Nut Zippers. Ahhhh, remember 1998, when a band like The Squirrel Nut Zippers could be popular? Also appearing at the festival that weekend was Jethro Tull, R.E.M., The Screaming Trees and Live. Good times man, good times.

Where was I going with all this? I'm not really sure. Oh yeah! That's right. In 2000, I was willing to drive from Seattle to Spokane (4 hours each way) to see TMBG. Now, I'm not even willing to drive to Baltimore. I am getting old. Plus my knees hurt.

P.S. The opener last night was this dude named Michael Levitan. He stood on stage by himself and played the ukulele and sang. It ruled. By his CDs (if he has any). I've heard he needs gas money.

Poetry Thursday: It's Magical!

Reconnaissance
by Arna Bontemps

After the cloud embankments,
the lamentation of wind
and the starry descent into time,
we came to the flashing waters and shaded our eyes
from the glare.

Alone with the shore and the harbor,
the stems of the cocoanut trees,
the fronds of silence and hushed music,
we cried for the new revelation
and waited for miracles to rise.

Where elements touch and merge,
where shadows swoon like outcasts on the sand
and the tried moment waits, its courage gone--
there were we

in latitudes where storms are born.

Not a Luxury, but a Way Of Life

First things first. You know yesterday, when I said that Ten Silver Drops is the album of the year? Well, it turns out that it's not even the best album that was released yesterday. The Springsteen album is better. Ten Silver Drops is probably the rock album of the year though.

Now, on to bitter complaining about stupid DC stuff.

I know that my good buddy Rusty (who is much, much improved since the last time I linked to him. Rusty, if you're reading this, I really respect the way you've moved from writing about things that annoy you about DC to things that epitomize everything that is wrong with the city. I knew you could do it.) handled this already, but I can't help chiming in.

Way up on Wisconsin Ave, across the street from the Dancing Crab sits a run-down, worn out ex-bar. The windows were recently boarded up, and the entire building was painted black all to announce the planned construction of a brand new condo site. There already sits a new condo building above the Best Buy a block away. The units are mostly empty and for sale. So building a new one might not be the best thing to do, but that is beside the point.

The name of the new one is MAXIM Condos. This is indeed a horrible name, but one that's not surprising just the same. They want to be associated with the magazine, I'm sure. They have a website. maximcondos.com. There isn't much up on the web, but here's a picture of what they've got.

I know it's kind of hard to read, so let's zoom in on the slogan thing.


I almost puked in my company logo coffee cup when I read that again. No, this is not a joke. It actually says "Coming soon to Tenleytown, brand new high-performance condominiums. For those who know that excellence is not a luxury, but a way of life." First off, what does this even mean? What is a high-performance condominium? Will it be voice-activated? Does it have more than 300 horse power? Will it have stainless steel appliances and granite countertops? Well, that third question is kind of rhetorical. Of course it will. I'm pretty sure that there is a law stating that any new construction must include stainless steel appliances and granite countertops. I guess I just don't understand how any domicile can "perform" something. It just sort of is.

But here's the part that makes me want to die and take the whole of upper northwest with me. There are people who think that they are "those who know that excellence is not a luxury, but a way of life." These retarded, egotistic, sociopathic ladder-climbers will buy into the whole thing. They truly feel that they are better than everyone else who doesn't understand that excellence is a way of life. Never mind the fact that that slogan does not mean anything. These guys (it will be 85% men) all drive leased BMWs, wear stupid-looking clothes and think that women owe them sex just because. Either that or they are in politics, but same differnce.

I can't think about this any more. It's making my brain warp with disgust. Let's just say that I hope the developers go bankrupt, no one buys the condos and then the whole thing collapses in a pile of smoldering ashes. This might restore some of my faith in humanity.

On the other hand, if the new development was named "Wyld Stallyns Condos at Tenley" and the slogan was "For those who know that being excellent to each other is not a luxury, but a way of life." I would buy one in an instant.

Ten Silver Drops Indeed

Holy crap! I'm on my second go-round of the new Secret Machines album, Ten Silver Drops, and it is, in a word, amazing. I nearly listened to Lightning Blue Eyes three or four times in a row, but to get the full experience it's best to listen to the whole album at once.

I can't get over how good this is! Definitely the album of the year (and also one of only a few I will purchase this year, so feel free to discount my opinion). It's so weird that this album is so different from Now Here is Nowhere. In NHiN, everything sounds so precise and distinct, the drums, the keys, the guitars, and on TSD it is all over the place. Not in a bad way mind you, it just seems like they are filling up the entire frequency spectrum, all the way from 20 right up to 20k Hz.




Oh, by the way, in the last week I have purchased 8 CDs, which is pretty significant because that's usually about the number I buy in an entire year. Well, anyway, here's a run down of the stuff I got. A bonus List Tuesday for you.

1. Coldplay - Parachutes: Coldplay's first album, which I think is really good for some reason. I don't really know why I like it. The musicianship is mediocre, the songwriting is sappy, but somehow it all works. X&Y, however, does not.



2. Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head: Basically, it's similar to Parachutes, but better. Both of these albums I already knew since I had illegally downloaded them, but I felt guilty so I bought them used. Which doesn't really make sense, does it? I mean, I paid money, but the only people who got money off of me were the owners of the used record store. Coldplay didn't get nothin'. Seems weird that buying used is better than downloading since it's only other people who make money off the artists' work. Oh well.



3. The Shins - Oh, Inverted World: I love The Shins second album, Chutes Too Narrow, so I decided to check out this one. I'd downloaded a few of the songs, but most I hadn't heard before. It's not quite as good as CTN, but I still like it. Except for this one song that has a ride cymbal crashing away and dominating the whole song. It's almost unlistenable on head phones that amplify the upper registers. Oh yeah, this one was used, too.



4. Jack Johnson - Songs from Curious George The Movie: What can I say, it's a Jack Johnson album. It sounds just like his other ones, which, if you like his other ones, is good. If you don't, it may make you want to shoot yourself in the head. The only disappointing thing about this one is that G. Love is featured on several songs. Normally, having G. Love should crank the awesomeness up at least 3 notches, but not here. If I didn't know G. Love was playing on those tracks, you would never guess it featured anyone but Jack.



5. Radiohead - OK Computer: Hands down, the single greatest rock album of the last decade, maybe more. I would put it up there with Let it Be, Led Zeppelin II and Dark Side of the Moon. If you don't know this album, you really should, it's that good. This was another that I had illegally stolen quite a while ago, and finally got around to buying (used of course). It's too bad that this album was so good that Radiohead have been given carte blanche to do whatever they want and have it called great though. Amnesiac sucks, and Kid A is only moderately listenable. I haven't even tried to Hail to the Thief...



6. Emmylou Harris and Mark Knopfler - All the Roadrunning: I haven't listened to this (what? I just bought it a few hours ago, and the time in between has been filled with lunch and The Secret Machines) but how can it not be good? I mean, it has Emmylou Harris and Mark Knopfler! If you don't know who Mark Knopfler is, he is the guitar genius behind the Dire Straits and is responsible for the best guitar solo in the history of music (sorry Mr. Page): the one from The Sultans of Swing. He is probably the second best guitar player of his generation. The best is Danny Gatton (RIP).



7. Bruce Springsteen - We Shall Overcome, The Pete Seeger Sessions: Haven't heard this one yet either. It's Bruce Springsteen with the Pete Seeger band playing old-school traditional songs, including Froggie went a Courtin'. You just know it's going to be sweet. Maybe the brickwife has listened to it. You can ask her if you really want to know.

This post has 23 links.

List Tuesday: 0% Published Edition

Did any of you notice that Blogger was down for like 12 hours yesterday? What's that? You did? Oh, me too.

At first I was going to get all complainy that I couldn't post anything and that all my faithful readers wouldn't be able to read my nuggets of wisdom dipped in delicious northern style honey mustard sauce. Then I realized that I don't pay any money to Blogger for this service and that it would be disingenuous for me to complain about something that is free. What's the old saying? Don't kick a gift horse in the face, or something like that? So, you won't be hearing any whining from me about how those idiots over at blogger couldn't get the site back up for like twelve hours I mean that is what they are paid to do why can't they just do it.




The Best Restaurants in Moses Lake, Washington

1. The Golden Corral: Also affectionately known as "Spoonful of Meat."


2. The Porterhouse: ML's only combination steakhouse, card room, and hooker pick-up spot!


3. Tacos Mexicanos: This one is actually good.


4. Inca's: Like Tacos Mexicanos but covered in cheese, overpriced and clean.


5. Papa's Grill: ML's only combination bar, bad restaurant, casino, and bowling alley.


6. Arctic Circle: They make a mean white sauce.


7. KFC/A&W: Chicken+chili dogs+and draft root beer = crazy delicious (has this joke been overused yet? Yes? Oh, then never mind.)


8. The Sexist Dairy Queen: They make a mean Blizzard and only hire teenage girls. [Insert your own dirty joke about the owner here.]


9. Denny's: Culinary genius taken out back, beat with a ladle and wrapped in bacon and covered in syrup. Still, $3.99 for a full breakfast means an extra hour away from work. If you go back at lunch, it means two hours away from work. And accelerated cardiovascular disease.


10. Da Vinci's: It's where to go if you want to experience what backwater hicks think of as a fancy restaurant. I would recommend the steak, with a side of lasagna. What they lack in quality, make up in quantity. It may cost more, but at least it will taste better coming back up than Golden Corral food would after you have done a hal-dozen keg stands and pounded down 15 Stones at a backyard barbecue later that evening. Note to readers not acquainted with Moses Lake: This kind of activity is typical for a weekday evening in the Big Hole. On weekends, things would be kicked up a notch to Killian's instead of Keystones.

A Ton of Kit Kats

Okay, my iFriend Jessica, whom I will likely never meet, since I rarely (i.e. never) find myself in Chicago, though I will be there this September for the annual Association for the Advancement of Automotive Medicine conference and if I go to El Cid, I could potentially run into her, gave me an idea; next month, while I am in Japan, I hereby offer to pick up weird Kit Kat varieties for any one who wants them. If you don't live and/or work near me, I'll also need an address to which I can send them upon my return. No cost to you. Just consider it my way of repaying the world and giving you some potentially disgusting candy. Seriously. This is a real offer. Below, you can find a list of all the Kit Kats that are/might be available. Many of them are limited editions, so I probably can't get them any more. And just so you know, Kit Kats are so popular in Japan that the phrase Kitto katsu translates roughly as "I hope you succeed!"

Varieties that are potentially available:

1. Original (milder than the US version)


2. Bitter (62% cocoa)


3. White Chocolate


4. White with Hokkaido Milk


5. White Bretagne


6. Apple


7. Banana


8. Sakura (Cherry Blossom)


9. Double Berry (combo blueberry and strawberry flavored creme filling)


10. Fruit Parfait


11. Grape (mini bars with grape flavored creme)


12. Lemon Cheesecake


13. Yubari Melon


14. Hokkaido Yubari Melon (like above but also with creamy melon flavored coating instead of milk chocolate)


15. Orange


16. Passion fruit


17. Pineapple


18. Strawberry


19. Ichigo (Strawberry) Milk (creamy strawberry milk coating and creme filling in the wafers)


20. Tsubu Strawberry (strawberry coating with freeze dried strawberry pieces and strawberry creme filling in the wafers)


21. Azuki Bean, Green Tea, and Cream MULTI-FLAVOR (Kakigori)


22. Café Latte with Hokkaido Milk


23. Chocolatier Noir (Dark) (dark petits with almond creme filling and dusted dark cocoa powder on outside)


24. Gold(petits with fudge like covering and dusted cocoa powder on outside)


25. Matcha (Green tea)


26. Kir (dark petits with kir creme filling)


27. White with Maple Syrup (White chocolate coating blended with Canadian (Quebec) map


28. Chocolatier Wine (petits with red wine colored white chocolate and wine flavored creme filling)


29. Yoghurt

The Dogs of War are Howling

I've been thinking a lot about the devil lately. Or Satan, or The Adversary, or The Tempter, or Roger Clemens, whatever you want to call him/it. (Note: do not conflate Rager Clemens and Satan around the people from my church. They will not get it.) Now before all you discerners out there get all excited, this is definitely not up your alley. You see, I've been thinking about this subject in an entirely different sense than you. I will not talk about end times (some word I don't remember Update: the word I was looking for was Eschatology.) and you would probably find me to be rolling in apostasy. Which, if apostasy is anything like a huge pile of cookies, I would do in an instant. Not cookie dough though. That'll give you salmonella like all get out. No, I have been making jokes about the devil. Try it, it's fun.


I was trying to imagine what the typical day in hell would be like for all those demons and stuff. I can totally picture them all sitting around a table playing poker or something. Probably 5-card stud. You know how they like five-sided things, right? Pentagrams, pentagons, ninja stars, etc. So they are just sitting around, betting their hearts out, or maybe they use hell-dwellers hearts as punishment. When they go bust, they could just go rip out some more hearts Temple of Doom style! Basically, I imagine the scene like this picture.



I'm pretty sure that Satan is the only one who looks like a devil. Suprisingly, he looks just like Arizona State's mascot. It's a weird world, what can I say. I picture all the other demons looking like dogs, because I hate dogs AND Demons. Dogs try to bite me and eat me, demons try to lure my immortal soul into hell. See? They're basically the same.

Anyway, I was thinking about what would happen to Lucifer if he was ever caught cheating. I'm sure it's happened. The german shepard demon catches him with an ace up his sleeve, and then everybody gets all pissed off. Well, if that ever happened, I bet it never gets old for one of the other dogs to say, in a horrible Ricky Ricardo impression, "Looocy, you got some 'splainin to do!" I bet that the other demons tease Lucifer all the time about his lame name. Call him Lucy-loo, or Loosy-goosy. I know I would.

So that was a pretty long set-up for one I Love Lucy joke. As a "Thank you" for sticking around this long, here's a couple of other things I've been thinking about that aren't even long enough to make into a entire post like this one.

1. In today's Metro Express, there was an article about earth-friendly clothing. In one of the pictures there was a guy wearing some bio-degradable, organic yarn scarf. Do you know what he was wearing underneath the scarf? That's right. A leather jacket. How's that for earth-friendly?




2. Did you know that they really love Kit Kats over in Japan? They do, it's true. This morning, I got to try a Green Tea flavored Kit Kat. It was......strange. When I'm over there next month, I'll try to pick up a bunch of different flavors. Maybe I'll make it a blog series: Kit Kats of Japan.

Don't Get Rich Quick

So, now you probably all want to know what my bad idea for making money is, right? Well, I started thinking about how there are lots of people out there that are selling cool t-shirts, so I said to myself, "Hey, you could probably make some cool ones too, and then sell them and then make some money!" Well, it won't work. How dow I know? Because I am always 6 months to a year behind what's cool. That means, that as soon as I decide to think something is cool, it's not anymore. I know that I would kill the custom shirt industry if I ever joined it. Oh well.

Here's my idea anyway: Maps of cities, but with only the water and parks showing. I would make one for each major city that had a river or bay or sound or whatever. I could do Chicago, or Detroit, or Pittsburgh, or Seattle, or Minneapolis. I've put together a prototype for DC (maybe the coolest one since there are so many parks). I'm also thinking about including the main area code on the back, you know, to sort of represent, yo! But I'm not sure if I would go ahead with that part. And all you lurkers, you better not steal this idea and make your own shirts. I will sue you to kingdom come. And Zach, I could make one for Yakima too, if you wanted. Also, they would probably look better in dark colors, maybe brown of dark grey but my map isn't high enough quality yet.

It's a terrible idea, unless you think it's not, and you want to buy one. They are only 17.95 plus shipping!

DC PROTOTYPE

FRONT


BACK

Poetry Thursday: I'm Not Dead

Well, you were probably all wondering where I've been lately. The answer is stupid old Detroit. Again. Okay, actually I'm in Ypsilanti, Michigan, but Detroit is close enough. I've also been working on my new destined-to-fail money-making scheme, but more on that later. Now that you know that, on to the poetry...

A Conceited Mistake
by Vasko Popa

Once upon a time there was a mistake
So silly so small
That no one would even have noticed it

It couldn't bear
To see itself to hear of itself

It invented all manner of things
Just to prove
that it didn't really exist

It invented space
To put its proofs in
And time to keep its proofs
And the world to see its proofs

All it invented
Was not so silly
Nor so small
But was of course mistaken

Could it have been otherwise

I Am in Love With Paint .NET

Next time, Mike will attach himself to the cliff better. If there is a next time.

Non-List Tuesday

Sorry folks. No list for you today. I just downloaded Paint.NET and am having way to much fun chopping. I suck, but it's still fun.

Here are my first two creations. Eventually I'll get better, I swear!

Hola, amigos! I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, at least on this subject, but things have been gettin' a little crazy around here. Let's just talk about what I seen lately on the commuter train. The train that, once you get on, you may never get off, if you know what I mean.

Last week, I witnessed the most stunning example of dislikability all rolled up in one person. Here is a brief description. He was short, which, if you read Craigslist R&R, is as big a sin as guy can commit when it comes to women. He was fat, which is right behind short for things people hate about dudes. He was white (read boring). He has balding, but what hair he did have left was really long and pulled back into a ponytail. He was wearing stupid looking earrings. And here is the kicker: he crammed himself into a full train just as the doors were closing. At a run. Bodies went flying everywhere as his ample figure pushed them hither and yon. He didn't say "sorry," he just proceeded to take out some headphones and blast heavy metal for the rest of the train ride. I never thought I would see one person be so unlikeable. If you take any of the traits he showed, it wouldn't be so bad. But to put them all together like that? There's just no getting over that.

I bet he stands on the left side of the escalator too.


Second, this morning, I saw another of those bright young things that will either be destroyed or totally corrupted by this city and its political machinations. He was from North Dakota and is a part of some governmental thingy that he had to apply for. Of course, as he was chatting up this girl on the train, he made the requisite "I think I was the only one in North Dakota to apply, so I kinda got selected by default," joke. He was young, handsome, wearing a dashing dark suit, white shirt and red silk tie with a pin right on his lapel. He was the epitome of a young up and comer. But one statement gave him away. He said "I'm really interested in government, and politics and stuff." That's what people say when they come to this city and don't know what they are doing. He will be disillusioned by the end of his intern program or whatever it is. If he doesn't go crying back to North Dakota, he will forget what he said on the train and change it to something more like "I'm really interested in power, and money and stuff." That's the only way he'll survive here.

Mr. Smith never comes to Washington and lives to tell the tale anymore.

Of course, I am in no way qualified to make this kind of statement, so feel free to ignore me.

Enough Is Enough

Okay. Maybe I haven't told you enough times. If you are not checking Toothpaste for Dinner every day, you are missing gems like this. I actually laughed out loud. And if you could see where I work, under the unending gaze of fluorescent lights and staring at blank, taupe walls, you would realize how significant this is.

Warning: This Post Was Manufactured on Equipment Used to Process Religious Products

See, I'm using my new method already!

Yesterday day was Easter (unless you are Eastern Orthodox. If so, and I do know some people that are, please come back next week to read this post) and we had church. I guess that's not really a big surprise, is it? Anyway, we didn't have a sermon, we just had some singing and a few short little things about various people's relationships with Jesus. I wrote one about Peter. No, not Peter Frampton, Peter the disciple. This post contains what I wrote.

But one more quick note of warning: I know I put both logos at the top of this post, but I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have put either of them there. First, this was a pretty straight reading of Peter from the Gospels, all three synoptics and even John! I'm pretty sure I didn't do enough destruction of the Bible to make the Emergents happy. Second, I didn't just read straight out of the Bible for this, thus I've introduced myself into the story somehow, you know, the dreaded eisegesis. I'm pretty sure that, through using discernment, this will probably be found to be heretical. I'm screwed either way I guess. But on to the thing.

Hi, my name is Peter and I’m a Disciple.

Let’s see. I’d known Jesus for about three years when he was killed. I’d followed him around, learned from him, basically, I’d given my whole life to him. So imagine you’re in my situation. You’ve dedicated your life to serving someone, someone you think is finally going to bring about the Kingdom of God on Earth and free you from the foreign rulers you’ve known your whole life. What could be better, right?

Now, imagine that, instead of starting a revolution, instead of fighting the powers that be, your friend, your teacher, your master quits! He lets himself get betrayed by one of his own, even though he knows it’s coming! He lets it happen! Why would he do that? But it doesn’t matter, you tell yourself, you’ll stay with him to the end. To death if you need to. That’s how I felt, and still feel, about Jesus.

I still remember exactly what we said to each other, that night in the upper room before going to the garden to pray. I said, “though all become deserters because of you, I will never desert you.” And I meant it.

And this was what Jesus said to me, something that hurt me then and still haunts me to this very day, despite what happened later. He said, “Truly I tell you, this very night, before the cock crows, you will deny me three times.” Horrorstruck and fearful, because I knew it could be true, I protested that even if I had to die with him, I would still never deny him.

But guess what. By the next morning, I had done it. I had denied him three times. Twice to servant-girls, and once to some meaningless bystander. I swore that I did not know Jesus. Then, the cock crowed, and I realized what I’d done. To say that I cried is to put it lightly. I don’t know if any of you have ever felt anything like that. I hope not. To know that you hurt the one you love above all others, and for them to know it. For them to know you so well, much better than you will ever know yourself, that they will see it coming. To know that you have failed your one task. To know that you have failed to uphold your promise to the Son of God. Actually, I’m sure that you do all know at least a little of that feeling. We all fail him.

But wait, it gets better.

I won’t go into what went down that horrible day. It’s still too painful. I knew that He said he would rise from the dead, but part of me didn’t believe. The Son of God couldn’t let himself die, could he? But he did die, and I helped kill him. So imagine my surprise, my joy, when, three days later, the two Marys and Joanna came and told us what happened, that the tomb was empty. It’s one of those moments that you can relive over and over and never get sick of, like when you first find out you are going to be a father. There was nothing else I could have done but sprint off to the tomb to see if it really was empty. But I already knew it was.

Then, just a few days later, I had the same reaction, only this time I dove into the water I was so excited to see him! We ate fish, we talked, I reveled in his presence. But after we ate, Jesus pulled me aside. He asked me, “Peter, do you love me.” Well, of course I said yes, of course, you know that I love you. And all he said was, “Feed my lambs.” Then he asked me again, “Peter, do you love me?” I started to feel a little uneasy, because, why would he ask me this again, but I said “Lord, you know everything! You know that I love you!” And he said “tend my sheep.” And then, he asked me a third time. “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” And it all came rushing back, my valiant proclamations of fidelity, “I would die with you!” my denials that He knew were coming, the sense of abject failure came rushing back.

But what did Jesus say? Did he say, “get behind me Satan, I do not know you?” Did he point out my failure and chastise me? No. He said, again, “feed my sheep.” After everything that I had done, he still wanted me. He still wanted me to serve him. He still loved me. It was both an incredible feeling of joy and of awe. It was almost as though I had been dead, and with these words of love and confidence, he had resurrected me too. Not in body, but in spirit. To tell you the truth, I think that’s exactly what it was. That is what he came to do, to help us to die to the world and to ourselves and be resurrected in him and through him to serve others.

That’s the Jesus I know.

A Rendezvous with Poetry Thursday

I Have A Rendezvous With Death
by Alan Seeger

I have a rendezvous with Death
At some disputed barricade,
When Spring comes back with rustling shade
And apple-blossoms fill the air—
I have a rendezvous with Death
When Spring brings back blue days and fair.

It may be he shall take my hand
And lead me into his dark land
And close my eyes and quench my breath—
It may be I shall pass him still.
I have a rendezvous with Death
On some scarred slope of battered hill
When Spring comes round again this year
And the first meadow-flowers appear.

God knows 'twere better to be deep
Pillowed in silk and scented down,
Where Love throbs out in blissful sleep,
Pulse nigh to pulse, and breath to breath,
Where hushed awakenings are dear...
But I've a rendezvous with Death
At midnight in some flaming town,
When Spring trips north again this year,
And I to my pledged word am true,
I shall not fail that rendezvous.

The Nationwide Immigration Debacle

In case you all don’t care, immigration is in the news (insert blatant attempt to be linked from the Post here). But what exactly are the “news” outlets providing, you ask? Not the truth© that’s for sure. They report on border crossings, mass protests across the country, but they don’t tell you what’s behind all of this. Why now? Why this topic? Well, lucky for you, A Ton of Bricks is here to do some un-researched and specious investigatory journalisticism to show you what is going on here. Namely, a huge and confusing conspiracy whose tentacles reach out in all directions and flail limply about until they are cut off and made into delicious Chinese food from Full Kee, the best Chinese restaurant in the city (that I have been to).

The most important clue that gives away the conspiracy is the word itself: Immigration. Let’s just look at that for a second, shall we? The word has 11 letters. Remember that number, it’s going to be important. If you use the classic grade school code (A=1 etc) and add up the values for all 11 letters, you get 128. Three digit numbers are not allowed in this numerological analysis, so now add up 1, 2, and 8. That’s right, 11. And guess what. If you take the average value of the first two letters in the word, you get 11. Do you know what the 11th letter of the alphabet is? That’s right: K. So, 11 11 11 translates to KKK, a shadowy organization that seems to have gone underground recently and has a history of nativism and racism. Intriguing, no?

But why would the KKK be behind immigration? Truth be told, they are not. They are just pawns unwittingly playing a role in bringing the topic to the national consciousness by being against it. Oh no, this conspiracy goes much, much deeper than that. How deep? All the way to the top, to MLB commissioner Bud Selig himself. The most obvious giveaway is the fact that “I” is the most common letter in the word. What is the numerological value of “I”? Nine, which just happens to be the same number of players on a baseball team. Definitely not a coincidence. You may also notice that some of the letters in the word can be rearranged to spell “Not grim.” The only meaning of this is that Mr. Selig stands to benefit from immigration, which is obviously true based on how many players of Hispanic origin are now in the league, not to mention how many illegal immigrants he has on his staff to keep his hair looking perfect.

This wide-spread conspiracy has been careful to cover its tracks. First, we return to the letter “I.” In spanish, this letter is pronounced the same way that we pronounce “E” in English. This, of course, sows much confusion. Is it Immigration we are talking about, or “Emigration?” We all know that emigration has to do with emigrants, which only applies to Irish bars with similar names in Arlington, and since the NINA days are behind us and a national disgrace, immigration must be good.

Confused? That’s just where they want you. And before you know it, it’ll be too late. MLB teams will hire immigrant day-laborers instead of professional athletes so as to save some money Case in point, A-Rod = about $200,000 per game, Jose Perales Rodriguez from Michoacan = $15 per game ($20 if it goes to extra innings). And you thought the MLB could stoop no lower than to move the Brewers into the national league in order to weaken the AL Central so that the White Sox could win it all. Well, now you know.

What I can’t figure out is what this all has to do with migrants and migration. Who cares about birds? But yet, there those words are, right in the middle of “immigration.” Weird.

List Tuesday: We're All Lazy

I am old. Sure, I may be only 26, but having my younger brother-in-law and sister-in-law here for 9 days proved that 26 is in fact old. I just can't stay up that late every night. Of course, as teenagers on spring break, they get to sleep in until 1 PM whereas I need to go to work so that I can make money to buy them tickets to concerts and an endless supply of graham crackers. Seriously, those two went through 3 boxes of graham crackers, one of which was a jumbo sized box, in only a few days. Yes. It is definitely because they got to sleep in and I did not. I am not old. I'll just keep telling myself that.

Anyway, on to the second laziest List I have ever written.

Words That Almost Rhyme With "Stick"

1. Stack


2. Stork


3. Gnosticism


4. Tarp


5. Joke


6. Break


7. Track


8. Creek


9. Crock


10. Pluck

Words That Do Not Almost Rhyme With "Stick"

1. Design


2. Linear


3. Stapler


4. Convenient


5. Frame


6. Bottle


7. Rubber Biscuit


8. hobbledehoy


9. Brick

The Ancient-Future of A Ton of Bricks

Every once in a while, I feel compelled to write about religion here. Well, maybe once every long while. In so doing, I think people may have been confused about where I stand on some things. For instance, I seem to have developed a reputation as someone who is somewhat "anti-emergent." (if you don't know what that means, consider yourself lucky because you will never know what it means. I certainly don't) Maybe this is a fair statement, though I wouldn't go so far as to say "anti." But then, at other times I have come across as all gung-ho about "emergent" stuff.

To counteract this confusion, I have developed a new system: visual labeling of posts.

When I plan on writing something about the good side of the "emergent" church, I will preface the post with this picture: They will be your friend for only $50! Don't tell them, but I stole this logo. Shhhh.

On the other hand, when I write about something from the other side of the divide (and what a big divide it is in some places), I will run, at the top of my post, this picture: They do not charge you to be your friend (Thanks Ingrid!), but chances are that they wouldn't want you as a friend anyway. For instance, if Ingrid finds out that I don't know exactly what Laodicea is, she may not want me as a friend.

I hope this new policy will clear things up, at least when it comes to individual posts. Me, I'm still a mystery. A fence-sitter. An involved observer. I'm sure there are a lot of people like me on both sides of the fence upon which we sit. I'm sure the divide is not so deep as it would seem. It's just that the most out-spoken on both sides also tend to be the most stubborn. I am neither, really. But if enough of us non-outspoken ones get together we could be really loud, like a whole bunch of mandolins instead of one trumpet. Or maybe we would still be too quiet, like a bunch of screaming trees (who rocked by the way): no matter how many there are, no one will care.

Random Pointless Friday

You know, I'm not even sure why I should keep running this feature. I mean, last week will never, ever be topped. Well, maybe it will, but certainly not this week. But who ever knew me to be one to stop flogging a dead horse. I'm going to keep on flogging until that horse is a gross bloody mess.


Here's the horse.


Now you may be thinking "boy, who dressed those kids? Those are some of the worst outfits that I have ever seen!" But try to look a little closer at the picture. These kids are apparently cave dwellers. When you take that into account, the clothes aren't so bad after all, are they? A lot better than animal skins our nudity, right?

Boarded Up To Tears

Well, here it is. The post you all knew was coming. The post in which I wax pathetic about Detroit. I did it from Munich, I did it from Brussels, and now I'm doing it from Detroit. Just wait until I go to Japan for two weeks next month!

So Detroit is pretty much a dump. The city of Detroit, that is. A lot of the outlying suburbs are fine, just like suburbs everywhere, but the city itself is dying. Maybe it's already dead. But you sure can't tell from a distance.

I can look out my ninth floor hotel window in Dearborn and see the majestic skyline of downtown bristling with skyscrapers. Some are smooth and modern, others are tall and craggy and beautifully neo-gothic. Some look like they were moved straight from Manhattan. And most of them are empty, save the bums and the rats. Their windows are all busted out or boarded up. Graffiti is everywhere. I looks like they haven't been used in almost 40 years. Which is probably pretty accurate, since there were wide spread riots not quite 40 years ago that caused every body to move out.

It's sad to think of what used to be. I can imagine the men in suits and fedoras riding the elevators up to the top-floor board rooms to make decisions on the future of the auto industry. They were rich, they were powerful and Detroit was their home. Lovely, metropolitan, sophisticated Detroit. Those are three words you would never use to describe Detroit today. More like dilapidated, dangerous, and ugly. Detroit used to be the center of the manufacturing world. Fortunes were made every day. Detroit was the engine of the American economy, and now look at it. No one wants to live here, the domestic auto makers are dying, jobs are disappearing. There is nothing good in Detroit's future. Nothing.

The Current Detroit skyline. Most of those buildings are empty.


The skyline during the 1967 race riots.


How to improve Detroit: Photoshop.

How Detroit celebrates a championship. Riots. Just like the University of Maryland.

List Tuesday: Logo Edition

So, I had some time on my hands today and I made some more logos for The Common Table. Here they are. If you can't tell, I'm a fan of the simple, geometric style. Examples of what I think are good logos: Chevy, Communism, McDonald's, and Safeway.

3. Common Table Church











6. Mike, this one is especially for you.
   
   



7. Whoops, I forgot this one....