The Nationwide Immigration Debacle

In case you all don’t care, immigration is in the news (insert blatant attempt to be linked from the Post here). But what exactly are the “news” outlets providing, you ask? Not the truth© that’s for sure. They report on border crossings, mass protests across the country, but they don’t tell you what’s behind all of this. Why now? Why this topic? Well, lucky for you, A Ton of Bricks is here to do some un-researched and specious investigatory journalisticism to show you what is going on here. Namely, a huge and confusing conspiracy whose tentacles reach out in all directions and flail limply about until they are cut off and made into delicious Chinese food from Full Kee, the best Chinese restaurant in the city (that I have been to).

The most important clue that gives away the conspiracy is the word itself: Immigration. Let’s just look at that for a second, shall we? The word has 11 letters. Remember that number, it’s going to be important. If you use the classic grade school code (A=1 etc) and add up the values for all 11 letters, you get 128. Three digit numbers are not allowed in this numerological analysis, so now add up 1, 2, and 8. That’s right, 11. And guess what. If you take the average value of the first two letters in the word, you get 11. Do you know what the 11th letter of the alphabet is? That’s right: K. So, 11 11 11 translates to KKK, a shadowy organization that seems to have gone underground recently and has a history of nativism and racism. Intriguing, no?

But why would the KKK be behind immigration? Truth be told, they are not. They are just pawns unwittingly playing a role in bringing the topic to the national consciousness by being against it. Oh no, this conspiracy goes much, much deeper than that. How deep? All the way to the top, to MLB commissioner Bud Selig himself. The most obvious giveaway is the fact that “I” is the most common letter in the word. What is the numerological value of “I”? Nine, which just happens to be the same number of players on a baseball team. Definitely not a coincidence. You may also notice that some of the letters in the word can be rearranged to spell “Not grim.” The only meaning of this is that Mr. Selig stands to benefit from immigration, which is obviously true based on how many players of Hispanic origin are now in the league, not to mention how many illegal immigrants he has on his staff to keep his hair looking perfect.

This wide-spread conspiracy has been careful to cover its tracks. First, we return to the letter “I.” In spanish, this letter is pronounced the same way that we pronounce “E” in English. This, of course, sows much confusion. Is it Immigration we are talking about, or “Emigration?” We all know that emigration has to do with emigrants, which only applies to Irish bars with similar names in Arlington, and since the NINA days are behind us and a national disgrace, immigration must be good.

Confused? That’s just where they want you. And before you know it, it’ll be too late. MLB teams will hire immigrant day-laborers instead of professional athletes so as to save some money Case in point, A-Rod = about $200,000 per game, Jose Perales Rodriguez from Michoacan = $15 per game ($20 if it goes to extra innings). And you thought the MLB could stoop no lower than to move the Brewers into the national league in order to weaken the AL Central so that the White Sox could win it all. Well, now you know.

What I can’t figure out is what this all has to do with migrants and migration. Who cares about birds? But yet, there those words are, right in the middle of “immigration.” Weird.