Post-Modern Uncertainty and Its Implications

One of the biggest mysteries in all of science is the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. It speaks directly to the post-modern paradigm in that nothing can be known completely. An even bigger mystery in science is: Did Werner Von Heisenberg ever complete his cat-in-a-box experiment, or was he just messing with us? Is there, somewhere lost to science, a box with a possibly immortal cat in it? Because, if that box has never been opened and the cat actually is alive and not a superposition of alive and dead, that seems like a pretty big deal. I mean IMMORTAL CATS!! It’s possible that the box is also in fact traveling at or near the speed of light, so time dilation would mean that the cat might actually be older than the age of the known universe.



If this is true, what are the implications for humankind? Some have said that it is a strong possibility that this immortal light-speed cat is actually God’s avatar in the human consciousness. But that’s basically a BS theory. Others have said that the cat is just a Cat God, and not an actual God and that icanhazcheezburger.com is a sacrilegious slap in the face to all box-believing cats because the light-speed box Cat God actually speaks the King’s English better than Dickens. Finally, others have placed upon the shoulders of this light-speed cat-in-a-box the blame for the most evil thing in the known universe. That thing is jean shorts, and if this is true, the time-dilating cat-speed light-box must be real because Heisenberg could never have believed that clothing could be both short and made from denim at the same time. It’s just too stupid.

In Which I Don't Know

So, the other day I’m just sitting around, shopping for jean shorts online, when all of a sudden I realize that nobody wears jean shorts in Michigan in December. I mean, it’s just stupid. Then I remembered that I was supposed to be shopping for jeans, which makes a whole lot more sense. Then I remembered that this is the CHRISTMAS SEASON and that means if you shop for your self at this time of year you are either A) a selfish scrooge or B) forgetful and you forgot that it gets cold in December and you need some long pants but you already turned all your jeans into jean shorts because it was hot a couple of months ago. I won’t tell you what category I fall into.

Anyway, the point of the story is this: I bought some jeans and then turned them into jean shorts! Again! I guess it’s just habit by now. I don’t even remember doing it, but I do have a cut on my knee, apparently from scissors.

I guess the moral of THAT story is this: Imagine a bear lost in the city. Now imagine the bear wandering around inside a Nieman Marcus Outlet. First, the bear stumbles into the menswear section and finds himself a nice silk tie, a monocle and a fine Italian worsted wool suit. He completes the look with a dashing beret and a pair of Ugg boots. Next, he saunters over to the knick-knack section and eats 4 packages of hard-boiled eggs another customer left there on accident. Then, the bear rambles into the women’s lounge, sits down on the couch for about 10 minutes, gets up, washes his hands and walks back to the menswear section. He realizes that he looks ridiculous in his human finery, so he takes it all off. Now, standing unclad in the Nieman Marcus Outlet, he stares malevolently around, grabs a pair of jean shorts and walks out, never to be seen again.

I’m just saying, IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

Verbal Abuse

So, for the second time this year, somebody yelled at me from a car while I was riding my bike home from work. The first time was very predictable. Some kids driving an old, beat up Pontiac passed me going the opposite direction. One of them leaned out the window and yelled "FAGGOT!!" I was very disappointed. I mean, come on! That's some of the laziest name calling I've ever heard. No class, no panache, no originality. I don't mind being called names by dumb kids, that's what they do. I just wish they would add some flair to their insults. Maybe next time, try yelling "

But yesterday was much stranger. Some dude in his mid-to-late 20s leaned out of the passenger window of a Dodge Charger and yelled "Nice helmet, Lance!" My feelings were not hurt, but I was confused. I assume he was being sarcastic because if there is one person on earth who doesn't look like Lance Armstrong it's, well it's this guy..


But next to that dude, it's gotta be me.

And why did he choose to mention my helmet? I palp a very normal/cheap helmet. It's just a Giro Indicator in the black colorway, like this one.


If I were wearing this thing, I could see him mocking me. I would mock me.




But I'm pretty sure I look pretty normal. True, I do have a road bike and so does Mr. Armstrong. But I don't wear lycra, I don't wear bibshorts, and I don't wear bike jerseys, though I will admit that, yesterday, I was wearing a homemade Apple computer t-shirt, and maybe that's worse than lycra.

My only conclusion is that the guy doesn't like helmets, which is like a trail rabbit not liking pomegranates; no matter how you look at it, it doesn't make sense.

Is This Bad

Your air intake manifold isn't supposed to look like this, is it?

Uh???

So, I can't really tell. Which one of these is real???

Freakin' Poe and his law.

It's Easter in Michigan!

Like Usual




Technically it is still Lent. However, it sounds worse if you say it was snowy on Easter


And why not.

Picture PLUS

Since she seems to be so much in demand, here is probably my favorite picture of my new daughter and her big brother.




FYI: If you need even more pictures of her, just go to adahpascale.blogspot.com for this one, and many others.


Speaking of sons and daughters, it’s kind of intimidating being a father of both. I mean, let’s face it; I’m pretty much just winging it. I grew up as an American Boy (obvs) so I at least have a child’s understanding of what that was like coupled with an adult (I hope) perspective on it. This means that I’m aware of some of the benefits of growing up white, male and at least middle class in the US, and the Levi will have pretty much the same advantages. However, I’m also aware, as a parent, of the difficulties that face little boys growing up. You know, the old culture of toughness stuff, competitiveness, smug sarcasm as a defense mechanism (just me???), requisite dismissal of emotion, &c. I don’t mean to be dismissive of those problems, though, because even though they are hackneyed and clichéd, they are still real. Then there’s the added problem of schooling, but that’s another post. (actually probably not).



But girls? That’s another story. All I have are first-hand accounts of what it is like growing up as a girl, and I find those so outlandishly terrifying that it’s hard to believe they are real. But my sources are all intelligent, honest women, so I’m quite scared for my daughter, since I have no choice but to believe them. Unfortunately (and typically, I expect), as a child I was aware primarily of my own situation and experience and not really at all concerned with anybody else. For example, I know almost nothing of what my own sister went through in high school because I just didn’t pay attention.



Uh, anyway, I am sort of departing from my train of thought here (I hear that’s common for parents of newborns) so I’ll just say: It’s scary being the father of a daughter and thank God I’m married to a brilliant, kind, observant, understanding woman who is comfortable (usually) in her own skin. If my daughter can grow up to be a woman like her, I’ll be very happy.

Gratuitous Baby Picture

Just for the heck of it.





Also, I don't know if you noticed (I didn't until after her name was official), but my new daughter is apparently named after two computer programming languages: Ada, and Pascal. To be fair, we did add an extra letter to each name, so we've got that going for us.



If we end up having another son, I'm thinking about naming him Cobol Fortran. Or maybe Assembly C++.

Happy Belated Birthday

Hey everybody, I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been real busy lately, you know, doing stuff, having babies...

Speaking of having babies here's my new daughter, Adah Pascale, born yesterday at 3:38PM. 6lbs, 13oz of healthy baby girl.

So it goes.

This is What The Internet Sounds Like

Probably NSFW.

Like the internet.

http://coworkthailand.com/say/

Just This Thing

The Top 14 Albums of 2008 (That I happened to download, purchase or otherwise hear)

1. Dr. Dog – Fate
   In many respects, this album was a watershed moment for bands with the word “Dog” in their names. Not since Three Dog Night were in their heyday has a “Dog” banded sounded…well, so much like Three Dog Night. Not that that is a bad thing.
   
   Rating: A Sheepdog with a Brandy Barrel around its neck so you can make some eggnog when it comes to rescue from a vile mountainside retreat in the Andes.
   
   
2. Vampire Weekend – Vampire Weekend
   It sounds like these white-shoe yupsters got kicked in the face by Paul Simon and then accidentally the whole African musical colonialism. Not that that is a bad thing. Any band that calls Bottleneck a “shitshow” is alright in my book. I hate those Bottleneck bastards.
   
   Rating: A werewolf weekday
   
   
3. Okkervil River – The Stand Ins
   Even better than their 2007 masterpiece The Stage Names. Not that that is a bad thing. Probably my favorite of any of the albums in this list.
   
   Rating: Some outsider art by an artist who arguably kidnapped a kid
   
   
4. Coldplay – Viva La Vida
   SMASH HIT 2008!! NUMBER 1 SUMMER JAM!!! Under investigation by the FBI for allegedly stealing tunes from The Creaky Boards and/or J. Satriani. Not that that is a bad thing.
   
   Rating: Dude, I just listen for the articles. I mean the production values. I don’t actually LIKE it, you know.
   
   
5. Of Montreal – Skeletal Lamping
   I haven’t quite listened to the whole thing, but I can tell you without a doubt that it is the best concept album about a large, black, post-op transsexual in history. Also, Emusic? Yeah, about that claim that Of Montreal is similar to Neutral Milk Hotel? I think it only holds true if “similar” means that the guys in the bands know each other and they both have a word that starts with “M” in their band names.
   
   Rating: 185 bones out of a full skeleton
   
   
6. The Secret Machines – The Secret Machines
   It’s got a kick-drum that won’t quit. Also there’s a pretty good, albeit short, total freakout on track 6.
   
   Rating: A machine that’s not exactly secret, just not well understood by most people, like an internal compression ignition combustion engine or something.
   
   
7. Frightened Rabbit – The Midnight Organ Fight
   a. Pretty standard indie rock fare. I like when a song from this album comes up on random for whatever that’s worth.
   
   Rating: A+, if you like Scottish accents, Gefilte fish+ if you don’t.
   
   
8. Port O’Brien – All We Could Do Was Sing
   I’ll be perfectly honest here: it’s really not that good. The first song and Pigeonhold are the best songs, so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.
   
   Rating: Two nautical themed songs too many.
   
   
9. The Rural Alberta Advantage – Hometowns
   Eh, it’s not bad. It’s nothing to write home to Alberta about, but I’ll still listen to it. However, the song Luciana totally needs to be remastered so that it’s listenable. Also, the Distillers song called Drain the Blood is better than TRAA’s song of the same name.
   
   Rating: Saskatchewan and Nova Scotia PUT TOGETHER!
   
   
10. Shearwater – Rook
    Slow, relatively dull with way too much vibrato in the vocals. What else can I say, you know? Hm....the occasional glockenspiel is both soothing and soporific, if you’re into that sort of thing.
    
    Rating: > pawn, < bishop
    
    
11. Bon Iver – For Emma, Forever Ago
    I don’t know if the story behind the recording of this record makes it better or worse than it actually is (something about a Wisconsin cabin in the middle of winter and ice fishing). Regardless of the story, it’s a pretty good album, but if you get a chance to see him (I think his name is Justin something) live, it’s totally way better. Also, Bon Jovi fans: DO NOT get your hopes up. Even though the names are similar, the music is not.
    
    Rating: A Bucket of ice-fish tacos.
    
    
12. Fleet Foxes – Fleet Foxes
    I’m just listening to it right now, but I can tell from the cover and from the stuff other people have written about it that I’ll like it. I’m pretty predictable. I DO like the first five tracks at least.
    
    Rating: 8 out of 10 canine species.
    
    
13. She & Him – Volume 1
    I got it in the mail yesterday. I’ll let you know.
    
    Rating: ALBUM OF THE YEAR ACCORDING TO PASTE MAGAZINE!!!!!!
    
    
14. My Morning Jacket - Evil Urges
    Don't worry about the album name, it doesn't sound nearly that evil. What it does sound is AWESOME. I appreciate good musicianship. Especially when good musicians rock so hard and are not boring. This doesn't happen often.
    
    Rating: Evel Knievel Urges
    

Full Disclosure: There are exactly zero (0) albums released in 2008 that I own that do not also appear on the list above.


POST-POST BONUS ALBUM: CHINESE F'N DEMOCRACY - G 'N' F'N R!!!


UPDATE: I would like to deny all rumors that I voted in the NPR listeners' poll for best albums of the year. It just LOOKS like I did. Hell, I don't even listen to NPR.

When The Going Gets Tough....

I was totally going to write something today, and then I decided, "Nah."

But then I was all, "I don't know, maybe I should..."

So here it is...

I think the most important event that's occurred all year happened 10 days ago, and has gone largely unnoticed. The social, political and economic repercussions will probably be felt for decades, if not centuries. Basically, what happened was


Ah, never mind. I changed my again.

List Tuesday: Carbonaceous

Names My Daughter Will Probably Not Have Even Though They Are Sophisticatedly Literaryish

1. Rose of Sharon


2. Goneril


3. Billy Pilgrim


4. Remedios


5. Gomer


6. Janet


7. Margaret Thatcher


8. Daisy (or Jordan)


9. Callisto (this one is literary and astronomerary!)


10. Beowulf


11. Molly


12. Ekwefi


13. The Oldest Living Confederate Widow


14. Bartleby


15. Lady Macbeth


16. Margaret Thatcher Part II

When Worlds Collide

So after years of putting it off, I finally bought myself a new computer on Saturday when it turned out that I needed one to finally finish the stuff I was doing for my sister. It's a white macbook, because if there's one thing I like about buying computers, it's paying extra for something pretty. I would be blogging this blog on it if I weren't sitting at my desk eating oatmeal for lunch. So it goes.

Anyway, I did finish the stuff for my sister. It was the first and most likely the last freelance graphic design work I've been paid for. You can see it here or here if you really want. Yay textbooks!

A Stitch in Time Saves Money

Thanks to all the hard work I've been doing I can finally relax and tell you all a story of yesteryear.

Once upon a time, I woke up feeling an uneasy combination of guilt, pride, fear, hope and pants. It was today, and the first question I asked myself was "why are my pants still on my body?" The second question I asked myself was "what am I so afraid of?" The third question was "Boy, I sure hope I can eat some fun-size Snickers today! I wonder if anybody will bring some to work in a bag full of other candies? The first answer was that I climbed into bed with my pants still on and fell asleep. The second answer was that the whole of my life lay before me like an open book, only instead of words leaping off the page, fire leaped off the pages.


Then I put the fire out and took a shower and went to work. Just like every other day save Saturdays, Sundays and election days.

The third answer was "yes."

Speaking of election days, I worked at town hall on Tuesday counting absentee ballots. I learned a lot of things about the way our democracy works. First of all, there are many stringent qualifications to be a team leader of the Absentee Voter Counting Board. They are

• Age: 60+


• Little to no basic math skills


• Ability to consistently function incoherently


• No sense of urgency or civic duty

At first I was all proud to be doing my part in our electoral process. Then, when I realized who actually operates our electoral process, I cried a few alligator tears. Then I counted some ballots and listened to people talk about their favorite subjects: TV, idiots, fear, TV again, celebrities, other idiots, and food. Hooray democracy!

Oh yeah. I'm going to be the father of a girl in another 20 weeeks, so I've got that going for me.

Waltzer Wonderland

Oh yeah, I totally forgot what you had going for you, which was nice!

So I finished that book Rapture Ready. It was pretty good. A lot of it was a little ho-hum for someone more familiar than not with the subculture about which the book was written, but that's okay. There were a couple parts that made me laugh out loud IRL. Like the part in the introduction when the author is talking to some kid (a friend of his sister-in-law's or something) about the music at a Christian rock festival and the kid says something about how he doesn't need to listen to a lot of secular love songs because they're all, like, "Oh I love you and you left me so now I'm going to break into your house and cut your body into pieces!" In my opinion that would be, probably, the second worst love song ever. The worst love song ever is, obviously, We Built This City (On Rock and Roll)

Also, there's this funny part where the author conducts a fake interview of Alec Billy Stephen(?) Baldwin with all of Mr. Baldwin's responses to the questions pulled from some book that he wrote. I laughed, I cried, I finished the chapter and went on to the next.

If there's one thing I would change about the end of it (the part that that Maclaren dude said was so powerful) is that it was way too reasonable. If you're going to spend 200+ pages pointing out the absurdities of something, don't be so reasonable at the end. Don't be all "Oh, but really it's not that different and why can't we all just get along?"

All in all, though, I would recommend it. If you want to read you can just borrow it....from you local library!

Bad Poetry Thursday: Chocolate Trap

Alphabeta Con-o-rama
by The Great Mulrooney III

I saw a campsite just yesterday
A fire still smoldered
The embers reflecting maroon, yellow, gold and grey
Perhaps a monk once sat there
Eating S'mores and spirits
He leaves the fire burning
But it doesn't mean anything.
It's not symbolism and it's not metaphorical
It's just a fire burning bright in the wilderness
Lighting up the night and then burning out.