Bad Photoetry Thursday: I'm Gonna Buy Me a Bulldog

I Found Out Today We're Going Wrong,

I think I may have found my stupid calling.

What is it, you ask? Is it saving the helpless in Darfur? Is it feeding the hungry? Is it curing AIDS?

NOPE! It's editing Uncyclopedia! It's like wikipedia, but requires absolutely no knowledge about anything! It's like it was created just for me!

Here are my contributions thus far:

Gouda Cheese

Karl Von Helmsteinereinmann

FREEdHEM Hemorrhoid Cream

Go there an vote them up! I don't know what it does, but how much fun is clicking on arrows?? A lot of fun, that's how much!

Plus I may or may not get around to adding a feature on the right (-------> for those that don't already know) that keeps track of my contributions so you can, you know, not read them!

But the Picture Has a Mustache

On Christmas, I myself experienced a Christmas miracle. It was Christmas 1996, and snow covered the ground like a 4-foot thick blanket of snow. I woke at the crack of dawn and rushed downstairs to see what was the matter. And the matter was that God had not blessed us, every one. In fact, there were no presents under the tree. The lack of the presence of presents was disturbing. Even more disturbing was the spirit that was present. It was the Ghost of Christmas Present. So instead of actual packages tied up with strings, all that was there were ghosts of presents tied up with strings. When I tried to open one of them, I felt of jolt of electricity shoot up my arm. It was at that point that I realized that I was not unwrapping a ghostly present, but instead sticking a fork into an outlet. I was worth more dead than alive, so I decided to jump into the river. I tried, but half-way down into the water under the Frank Redmon Memorial Bridge, I was caught by a sleigh pulled by eight tiny reindeer and driven by a jolly old elf. Well, it WAS driven by a jolly old elf, but I landed on him and killed him, apparently, because he disappeared. So I put on his suit and I turned into Santa Claus with a big ol' bushy beard and delivered presents all around the world in negative 5 hours (Santa can go back in time, it's true), and returned home in time to have Christmas morning again. And this time, the presents weren't ghostly. I got everything I always wanted! An Oscar Meyer Wienie Whistle, Zuzu's petals, a baby brother and a dad, a warrant for my arrest torn up into little pieces and five pairs of pants made out of strawberry rhubarb pie. It was a real Christmas miracle.

But even more miraculous is the miracle that occurs every year at Christmas: for about two weeks, everybody gets to pretend that being considerate and unselfish are actually good things. I mean, being able to pretend that is a REAL CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

The Hard Land of the Winter

Okay, so this isn't exactly RANDOM picture Friday, but still.

I just made a banner for my friend's blog from a picture he took the other day. Here it is...




But now I want you all to vote on which you think is better, the first one, or this totally awesome second one?

Bad Photoetry Thursday: A Combination of Judgments Made By You

Also, you probably all know this already, but you should totally go to msdewey.com and search for blockbuster video.

List Tuesday: Lose These Streets and Crowds

Christmas Songs I Can't Listen To

This will be a short list. I love Christmas music, but there are a few songs that I can't listen to. I don't hate them because, hey, they're still Christmas songs!

1. Santa Baby - Madonna: The Eartha Kitt version takes Madonna's version out behind the shed, ties it to a pole and punches it once in the kidneys.


2. The GD Barking Dogs - Jingle Bells: Actually, this one applies to any novelty songs in which samples of animal sounds at different pitches are strung together to make a melody.


3. Silent Night - Chewbacca(?): Actually, this one applies to any novelty songs in which fictional creatures sing the melody. Stupid 101.4 FM.


4. Up On the Roof Top - Any Version: There is a line that says "First comes the stocking of little Will." But no it doesn't. It doesn't, and that is shit.

List Tuesday: I Can Hear All the Cries of the City

Stupid Dictionary.com Words of the Day from the Last 25 Days That I Didn't Already Know

1. Subaltern - Ranked or ranged below; subordinate; inferior. This will be put to good use immediately


2. debouch - To emerge; to issue. No no no, you are thinking of debAUch you sick weirdo.


3. Argus-eyed - Extremely observant; watchful; sharp-sighted. I'm pretty sure that this isn't even a real word.


4. None. Seriously, out of 25 words, I already knew all but three of them. Come on dictionary.com, you are supposed to be really helping me bone up my vocabulary. Risible? Sartorial? Proclivity? Exacerbate? Mollify? Yeah, maybe a few people don't know those words already. IN PRISON!!

I've Been Waiting So Long To Be Where I'm Going

Hey all y'alls, I have a favor to ask for a friend of mine. She's an old friend. We go way back. So far back that I haven't seen her in more than eight years. Actually we were kind of enemies. But anyway, now we're not so....

Please read this post of hers and respond to her so she can have some ideas or something for this seminary final paper she's got to write.

And no, I haven't responded yet.

If You Don't Watch Out It'll Stick To You

You almost assuredly did not notice that the previous ten posts all had titles that were, at best, tenuously connected to the content of the posts. That's because we were bored around these parts and decided to use a lyric from each of the songs in the amazing 1977 self-titled album by the Roches. We are not joking when we say it is amazing. The three-part harmonies and audio verite guitar are to die for. So anyway, now all our posts will have titles taken from each of the 11 songs on Cream's Disraeli Gears, in album order.

Here's where you come in. You get to bitch about how inane this is. You also get to suggest albums for us to use after we have 11 posts (10 more) from Disraeli Gears. If no one responds with album suggestions, we will take that to mean that you would like us to use the same title every time. Fair enough?

List Tuesday: All of the People Were Charmed and Surprised

The 28 Awesomest Products from the 1220 Different Things Found in the SkyMall Catalog

1. The Klipsch iGroove ($249.99): You can totally plug your iPod into it!


2. The Party Zone Pack ($99.99): Ha ha ha! "Watch out for falling guests?" That is funny! I almost had milk coming out of my nose!


3. The Bose SoundDock ($299.95): You can totally plug your iPod into this one, too!
   


4. "Antique" Popcorn Maker on a Cart ($249.99): It's like bringing the carnival into your house every day. Only without the carnies since they aren't included. Neither are batteries. It probably doesn't use batteries.


5. Tri-Fold Wireless Mirror ($99.99): You can totally plug your iPod into this! IN THE SHOWER!!


6. Men's Reversible Shirt ($49.00): I can't tell you how many times I've thought to my self after spilling marinara sauce on my shirt, "Damn! I wish this thing was reversible!" Actually I can. It was never.


7. Griffin Road Trip ($79.95): You can totally plug your iPod into YOUR CAR!!1!!11!


8. Kettle Popcorn Maker ($99.99): Five words for you - Table. Top. Pop. Corn. Thing.


9. Zipconnect Stereo - Beetle ($89.95): You can totally plug your iPod into this miniature VW Beetle with WORKING HEADLIGHTS AND TAILIGHTS!!!!


10. Beetle Stereo Speakers ($129.95): You can totally plug your iPod into this OTHER miniature VW Beetle with WORKING HEADLIGHTS AND TAILIGHTS AND IT IS YELLOW!!!!


11. Scrolling License Plate Frames ($59.95): Lets you customize your license plate FRAME! Pretty much only for Virginians.


12. Sound Soother Alarm Radio ($129.95): You can totally plug your iPod into your ALARM CLOCK. Who cares if it doesn't have working headlights and tailights?


13. Countertop Popcorn Popper ($999.95): Seven words for you - Even. Better. Table. Top. Pop. Corn. Maker. The thing is 10 times more better than the other one!!!


14. iPod Nano Speakers System ($59.99): You can totally plug your iPod NANO into it!!!


15. Footed Pajamas ($59.99): Because every Kiss should begin with "pajamas."


16. MP3 Alarm Clock/Radio ($29.95): You can totally plug your iPod into this and it can't be exported!! Suck on that Canada!


17. Fungal Nail Relief ($36.00): What else is there to say?


18. Bedside Phone Center w Dock ($179.95): You can totally plug your iPod into it and it is an alarm clock AND A TELEPHONE!!!! Thank you Sharper Image!


19. Porcelain Origami Crane ($16.95): I tried making one of these once. Porcelain doesn't fold for shit. HOW DO THEY DO THIS??? AMAZING!!!


20. ITOWER Speaker System w Dock ($199.95): You can totally plug your iPod into it and it is TALLER THAN MOST THREE-YEAR-OLDS!!!!


21. Popcorn Popper With Cart ($1,595.00): Hands down, the cream of the crop of the fake, antiquey household popcorn makers. Hands. Down.


22. QUATTRO 4CD STEREO W Dock ($499.95): Is it an Audi? NOPE! But you can totally plug your iPod into it and it is TALLER THAN 3 AVERAGE 3-YEAR-OLDS STANDING ONE NEXT TO THE OTHER!!!!


23. ADVANTAGE MAX CAMO ROBES ($59.99): More like, ADVANTAGE ME as I hide in plain sight in this robe. I will disappear. Sweet.


24. Mini Travel Speakers ($39.85): You can totally plug your iPod into it IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM! Also, now save 10 cents on this product!!!


25. Firefly Survival Poncho ($89.95): I can see it now....A fire starts at your home, so you rush to your closet to find your survival poncho, it takes a while to see it in the dark, especially buried under all those clothes but hey, now you're safe. Next you run into your kids' room. The flames are really jumping now. You yell at the kids to run out of the house with you only they see you in your survival poncho and have the bejesus scared out of them because you look like a dementor so they hide under the bed and refuse to come out. You all burn to death. Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all.


26. POLK AUDIO I-Sonic ($599.99): You can totally plug your iPod into it! PATENTED POWERPORT TECHNOLOGY!!!


27. PowerSquid ($79.95): Actually, this one is pretty cool. Overpriced, but still.


28. iCarta Stereo Dock ($99.99): You can totally plug your iPod into it WHILE DROPPING THE KIDS OFF AT THE POOL!! That joke never gets old or stupid! Does it? Does it?

Hey, guess what! As an added bonus for sticking around all the way to the end (or scrolling down) you get another list! Best list ever! It should be sold in the SkyMall catalog it is so awesome.





THE WORD

1. Bird

List Tuesday: Old Industrial Skyline

Things That Demoralize Me

1. Death of A Salesman


2. Diet A&W Root Beer


3. Flocking like a herd of cattle off the Metro


4. Too-small pants


5. Sinning


6. Flame-retardant logs


7. Not living on the West Coast


8. When someone says "turn that frown upside down!"


9. When someone doesn't say "guess what? Chicken butt! Fried in grease, want a piece? Maybe a turkey?" or something similar


10. Cold underwear and socks with holes in them


11. BMW drivers


12. Firecrackers going off right beside my ear


13. Getting kicked out of a bar for starting a cake fight


14. Not having any more pie


15. Peak Oil


16. Peak shirts


17. Peak coffee


18. No coffee


19. Frozen tundra


20. Not going to Arctic Circle for lunch


21. This one guy I met


22. Selfishness


23. When you wake up and look at the clock without your glasses on and you think it says 3:20 and you think "yes! I can sleep for another 3 hours!" but then, 10 minutes later, the alarm goes off and you realize that it actually said 6:20, not 3:20

I Can't Change The Law of Averages

If fish rode bicycles I would so not need another long holiday weekend right now. But fish don't even have legs so it's a ridiculous rhetorical question. Besides, even if fish did have legs, they'd better get some fish shoes first because have you ever ridden a bicycle without shoes on? Not a good idea. According to my missing left pinky toe anyway.

So what did I do this weekend? I went to the zoo. Along with every single other person in the Washington metro area. Seriously, there were 2.5 million people at the zoo on Saturday. Maybe not, but there was a lot. Somewhere between 15 people and 2.5 million people, are you happy now? Here is a list of the three most popular and foot-traffic-congestion-causing exhibits at the zoo:

1. The Giant Pandas


2. The Bengal Tiger Going For A Stroll


3. A Squirrel Eating A Nut By The Side of The Path (no I am not joking)

But being at the zoo was nice. When we went into the large mammal house with the hippos and the elephants, it reminded me of the time I was on safari in the wilds of the central African savanna. The most memorable thing from that trip was when a charging rhino charged right at me. I tried to run, but I wasn't fast enough and the rhino's giant horn pierced me right through the abdomen. It missed my spine by less than an inch, so I didn't die. However, my stomach was completely obliterated and had to be repaired in a complicated procedure in which it was patched up with gold filaments and burlap sack cross-hatching. My spleen ruptured and had to be replaced with a mandarin orange.

Pickin' A Crazy Apple Off a Stem

You know what I like to do a lot? Well, yes, that, but it's not what I was thinking of. What I was thinking of was that I like to come up with grandiose plans for stuff that will take the world by storm only then not ever do anything with it. Trust me, it's just as easy as NOT coming up with grandiose plans and doing something with it. I've done that way more. Anyway, when I first heard that we would probably be moving to Detroit(ish) I thought to myself "you know what this town needs? A guerrilla sticker campaign that reminds people to be nice to each other! I could design some stickers in regular size label format (2"x4") that people could print out at home and then put up in Metro stations, at bus stops, in parking lots, wherever! Then, other people would read them and realize that they should be nicer! It will change the world."

So I came up with all these stickers (okay, all but one of these stickers since my friend Kirk actually came up with the slogan for one of them several years ago and made some shirts that said it) and planned to start putting them up. I was going to start an underground, emergent organization called you≥me. But I never did. Now you can not put them up too! Feel free to not print out as many as you don't want to and go out and not put them up in Metro (or whatever the light rail mass transit system is called where you live (i.e. "your carpool" in Seattle)) stations, bus stops, hallways, etc. You can also not design any additional ones when you feel like not changing the world one person at a time.

Bah.

I Am Trying Not To Have A Bad Day

We'll Try Not To Get In The Way Of The Guns

So, if you've been reading anything around here, you'll know that I complain about Detroit often. Basically every time I have to go there. Well guess what? It's not quite official yet, but it looks like we're moving there in a couple of months! How do you like them apples? They are tart and firm and, like Detroit, they taste like a potent urine, exhaust and malt liquor cocktail.

But how bad can it possibly be, right? Let's take a look at some of the uplifting news stories that have come out of Detroit lately!

1. 2 killed, 3 hurt in Detroit shooting spree


2. Man arrested with $78,000, nuke info


3. Detroit Now only SECOND most dangerous city!

Still, it's better than this steaming dungheap of cronyism, corruption, violence, poverty, callousness, petty politics, taxpayer boondoggles, drugs, condescension, apathy and downright evil.

P.S. I did my part to battle the evilness of DC yesterday. Charles the Street Sense guy at Metro Center was hanging out so I chatted with him a bit. I asked him if he was doing anything for Thanksgiving, if he had any family in the area. He said no. So I didn't invite him to our house for Thanksgiving.

Words Decompose All Around Me

Charlie Brown reads Ayn Rand



This is better.

List Tuesday: I Worked Here Last Year, Remember?

A Bunch of Complete Non Sequiturs Presented As a Coherent List

1. Hey, guess what? Thursday is my birthday!


2. I will be (3.456E10*(3^3*(1825/SQRT(25))+7)*(SQRT(3600)))/((8^(1/3))*3
   *SQRT(5^2-3^2)) microseconds old.


3. While you were figuring out that equation, I was at your house stealing all your fruit roll-ups.


4. Avogadro's number of s'mores would weigh more than the known universe.


5. When I was in Miami last week, I ate some stone crab claws. Here are some little known facts about stone crabs: they taste better than Maryland crabs. You only eat the claws because that's all that is harvested, one claw at a time. It's a true renewable resource.


6. P.S. Miami is stupid


7. What is the resonant frequency of paper?


8. If I was ever to direct a movie (I mean, other than The Big Deuce-kee), I would totally hire Janusz Kaminski to be the cinematographer.


9. I know everything about film.


10. I've seen over 240 of them.


11. Yesterday, I ate some Indian food.


12. The name for this month, November, has roots in the ancient greek. Nov means "time" and embere is the root meaning "to use the word 'cornucopia' for no good reason at all."


13. Yes, you can blame Dave Barry for that


14. 34 years ago today, Gene Rodenberry probably did something.


15. Remember Tiananmen Square? That was pretty cool.


16. The state of Arizona has more gravel than any other state.


17. Whenever I see a monkey, I can't help but think s/he would be better off in a costume of some kind


18. There is a good chance that the world is naught but a lamppost of danger amidst the cacophony of time.


19. Someday, I want to write a memoir: I Was a Mediocre, Unread Blogger: The Story of A Life Lived Very Far From the Edge.


20. No one will buy it.


21. Don't forget to do that thing!


22. "Guest" rhymes with "best." I don't know what to make of that.


23. What if everything that rhymed was true?


24. Well, it's not.


25. Yeah, but what if!


26. Let's do a contest!

Come On, You're Lying to Me

Boy, it's sure been awhile since we pulled out the old livejournal random picture generator thing for a beautiful friday afternoon. So here...








Oh man, either way, I really want to know the story behind this picture. Is it A Christmas Story obsession gone wrong (or maybe oh so right)? Is it the prelude to a series of explicit "furry" action pictures? Where do you even find such an outfit? Did he borrow it from Matthew Perry? (I am so sad that I can make that allusion)

Guess What the Other One Did Instead

Okay, this has certainly been quite the week. Most of the time I've been sitting in a conference in Detroit, listening to people talk about all kinds of relatively gross stuff. I got to see some sino-sagittal nerve complexes get ripped in half! Of course, I was a co-author on one of the papers, so that was kinda cool. And one of the other papers cited a paper that I helped write a couple years ago. But on the whole, we spent almost a week in Detroit. Yikes. Being in Detroit for a week is kind of like someone swinging a baseball bat at your head only at the the last second you duck and it misses you.

Then on Wednesday (confirmed on Thursday) the wife had a miscarriage. That's like someone swinging a baseball bat at your head only at the last second you duck and it misses you, only then you notice that they actually had two bats and the second one is now about 35 mm from hitting you in the chest. Oof.

Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.

A Story for the Ages

So, the other day, no, not that one, the other other day, I was cooking up a pot of stew. No, that is not a "metaphor." I was literally making a giant pot of stew, and if you have anything against stew, well, you suck. Stew rules. Anyway, this stew particularly ruled because it had sausage in it. Basically, the sausage took the place of the traditional potatoes. It was even preservative free kielbasa. I got it at Whole Foods. And before you say it, no, buying preservative free foodstuffs from Whole Foods doesn't mean I'm a yuppie if I'm buying it to make stew. So, we needed to go to Whole Foods AND Safeway, and I turn around in the car and realize it's a terrible idea to turn around when you're driving (see the results of Virginia Tech's 100-car Naturalistic Driving Study) and turn back to look at Tenley Circle and ask my son whether we should go to Safeway or Whole Foods first. In response, he says "when I get older, can I have a trombone? I want to have a trombone and play music about tigers." Obviously we went to Whole Foods first. And obviously that is a brilliant idea for a moderately successful band. If the Decemberists can be moderately successful while singing, essentially, sea shanties, then I could be moderately successful playing the trombone and singing about Tigers. You don't think so? Go tell that to Blake. Wait, he died in penury. Uh, go tell that to Blake about 100 years after he died. Also, in case you were wondering, no, we don't believe in paragraphs any more. They are superflous.

But that is a story only for the minutes, not the ages as my title suggests. The following is that story. It is also related to the stew. As you know, stew has beef. Well, maybe not all stew, but certainly the stew I made this weekend. Now beef is one of the more useful materials. You can eat it, you can throw it, you can build bridges with it, you can climb mountains of it, you can launch it into space. But before this weekend, I didn't know that you could carry on a conversation with it. Oh wait! That's the denouement of the story! Crap! I just ruined it foreshadowing, yes! Well, actually that's basically the whole story. I was just cooking away, browning up some beefs when one of the last pieces says to me "Dude, don't throw me in there! I hate those guys! Cook me with the parsnips!" "Oh, I'm sorry, I already cooked the parsnips!" I replied curmudgeonly. "You jerk!" said the beef, "you know I've been hooking up with that one parsnip!" "Actually I didn't know that. I hope it wasn't anything serious because I probably peeled and chopped her." "Nooooooooooooo," moaned the beef as he began to cry bloody tears, which for chunks of beef is, I guess, not too unusual. He just kept moaning and moaning and I got sick of it so I threw him into the crackling oil and that was that. The moral of the story is: before cooking something, do not drink an entire bottle of vinegar. Well, maybe a little one, but certainly not a liter. The second moral of the story is, just throw the beef in the pot right away. Don't bother talking to it.

Oh The Humanitarianity!

I know, I know. I shouldn't traffic in schadenfreude. But man, there are some things that just warm the cockles of my heart. And this in one of them.


Ahhhhhhhh.

Day-glo Vu

I meant to say this earlier, but I, uh, forgot.

The third weirdest thing happened to me yesterday. I thought I had managed to invent some sort of telekinetic teleportation technology because one moment I was in Detroit, and the next, seemingly, I was back in Washington DC!

It all started at the Detroit Airport security line.....
This one woman started asking the TSA lady why the government isn't able to control what goes on the arrival/departure board. The TSA lady responded by saying that asking that question means you are ignorant. Taking offense, the other lady is all like "I'm ignorant? Did you even go to high school?" "Yes" "Well, did you go to college?" "Yes" and then the non-TSA lady goes through the metal detector and the TSA lady, in full ear-shot of the rest of us in the line, calls the woman a, and I quote, "fucking ignorant ass."

Seriously, it was like being back in DC! Imagine my dismay when I found out that I was still in the wrong airport. It was as bad as this one time when I woke up in the middle of the night, only it wasn't the middle of the night, it was about 2 PM and I was stuck to my non-ergonomic chair because I forgot to take the peanut butter sandwich out of my wallet and sat on it by mistake.

Fully 95% of the people here fall into these two categories:

1. Wear a government-backed badge and think they can do whatever they want and you had better jump right in line or out of line if they want to go first (the TSA woman)


2. Have a "powerful" job and think that that means they are far above the inferior rabble that have regular jobs (i.e. the whole "Did you even go to highschool?" comment)

The other 5% of people in the DC area are those like me who do not act like either of the other two groups.



And think that we are so much better than them and feel smugly self-superior.



Just like the other two groups.

LIST TUESDAY! DETROIT ROCK CITY!!!

So, for certain reasons, I visited the lovely city of Detroit yesterday (City Motto: Now only the SECOND most dangerous city in the country!). Basically, the only time I listen to the radio is when I go to Detroit and rent a car and forget to bring any CDs or remember to bring CDs but the car is only equipped with a tape player. Seriously. This is what happened yesterday. It's like they built a time machine to bring a car from 1997 to the present just to rent it out and annoy me. Stupid Ford. Anyway, I was listening to 89X, "Detroit/Windsor's only New Rock Alternative!" By the way, Windsor is in Canada. I think maybe Detroit is too. I'm not sure. But that is beside the point. What is so close to the point that it can actually be proven to be the point through simple mathematical analysis is this: a list of songs I heard on the radio.

SONGS I HEARD ON 89X DETROIT'S ONLY NEW ROCK ALTERNATIVE

1. Some song by My Chemical Romance: It starts out with some almost springsteenian lyrics about going to see a marching band with your dad with a nice, insistent drum cadence and builds up to an almost epic sound. All in the first 30 seconds. Then it devolves into your basic emo, pop-goth crap completely indistinguishable from approximately 50% of the songs I heard yesterday. Well, not completely indistinguishable. There was this one part with some awesome squealing guitars that sound almost like Poison or something.


2. Candlebox - Does it really matter what song? Well, okay it was their one hit from I think 1993. Confession time: This is almost of Postsecret caliber - I once voluntarily attended a Candlebox concert in the Yakima SunDome. Wow, it feels good to have that off my chest.


3. Another song by My Chemical Romance. Or maybe Ashes of Soma. Or maybe the Used. Or maybe Chevelle. I know I heard songs by all of those guys because the DJ told me so. I just can't tell the difference. Really, I can't. I must be getting old.


4. That one Green Day song that rips off the rhythm and chord progression from Chicago's "25 or 6 to 4." Another song from 1994! I felt like I was back in middle school playing hackey sack! By the way, compared to the the pop-punk/goth/whatevs stuff this song is not bad. It's almost dirgey and not at all emo. If you don't know what "emo" means, it means whining about how sucky life is and how some girl betrayed you and maybe you should go cut her, or maybe yourself. Green Day on the other hand, whom I don't really like but appear to have real potential to be a three decade band, got big by writing about being bored and stoned and lazy without being all depressive like those grunge %*#$ers. That's a much better reflection of the zeitgeist of the younger generations because it will last. Being a whiny self-obsessed, mopey teenager only lasts a few years. Being lazy lasts forever.


5. Some song about a ghost. Maybe by Sleater-Kinney. It was actually really good. If you know what I'm talking about, please tell me what it is.


6. Nickelback. Hey, they're Canadian too! That qualifies as a rock "alternative," right?


7. Another song by My Chemical Romance


8. Audioslave? Oh yeah! The one's with the Soundgarden guy! Man, remember Soundgarden? They were all "black hole sun, don't you come" and then that chick's face was melting off! Sweet!"


9. The Toadies song about asking someone if they want to die or something. It still kicks butt. Just like 7Mary3. Chugging, slow guitar riffs are to a Nokia-brand cell phone what industrial staplers are to orange elm leaves. Yeah.


10. Three Days Grace? Is that a band?


11. Snow Patrol. Or should I call them......SLOW Patrol? HA HA HA HA HA! Because of their slow tempos? Get it? Get it? Thank you, I'll be here all week!


12. Another song by My Chemical Romance


13. An ad for a concert by My Chemical Romance

Oh yeah, I also read a book yesterday in airports and airplanes: One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. I think this was the fourth time I have read it. It's only 139 pages long. But it is really good. It has now officially entered my top five books ever. The list now looks like this....

A TON OF BRICKS'S TOP FIVE BOOKS EVER

1. Catch-22


2. One Hundred Years of Solitude


3. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich


4. Lonesome Dove


5. Any book by Thomas Pynchon, none of which I have read, but if someone asks, will claim to have read and really really like.

Bad Photoetry Thursday + Misc!

Okay, here's the bad photoetry.....



Now, here are some other things I've been wondering. Please give me answers if you know.

1. Is it more effective to punch someone with a jab in the nose, or is it better to really go for a full extension swinging hook right to their temple? You get more arm speed (due to the rotation) with the swinging hook, but the nose is so much more sensitive!

2. Guess what has two thumbs and isn't voting on November 7th? THIS GUY! *points to self with thumbs*

3. How come, when a bird flies into a closed sliding glass door, it's kind of funny, but when a person does it, well, I guess that's pretty funny too. Never mind.


Now, here are some books that I've read in the last month. Do you want to know what I think about them? Of course you do.

1. Traveling Mercies - Anne Lamott
   A good, if typical memoir (hard childhood, divorced parents, drugs, alcohol, kid, redemption) that is a little heavy on the similes/analogies. Yes, when used sparsely and cleverly they can be incredibly effective tools. When used in nearly every sentence, the can be incredibly annoying affectations. Still, I would recommend it.



2. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas - John Boyne
   Apparently aimed at the "young adult" audience, this book is about a 9-year-old son of a Nazi Commandant at Auschwitz (Out-with in the book). It's supposed to be a fable of sorts but it's kind of boring. The end "twist" is telegraphed from about a million miles away (that's about 40 times around the earth at the equator or about 58.5 times around the earth at the latitude of Sapporo Japan) and the lesson, or moral of the story if you want to follow the "fable" tradition is basically "the Holocaust was bad." Duh. But even though you know what's coming, it's still a good book to read on a plane or something since it's pretty short.



3. War of the Worlds (NOW A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE STARRING TOM CRUISE!) - H.G. Wells
   Uh, there's nothing to say about this except "why haven't I read this before?"



4. Choke - Chuck Palahniuk
   Romantic isn't the right word, but it's the first one that comes to mind. This book is like a police baton fight between nihilism, craziness, domestic terrorism, Jesus, NOT-Jesus, and sweetness in a used sex toy shop catering to alcoholic sex addicts. Some of it might be set in 1734, some might be set in 2556 and some might be set yesterday or the day before. There might be miracles, there might be heroes, there might be love, there might be something in it to save you. But probably not. Maybe the best of the Palahniuk books I've read.

Spurious Data Collection

Hey! Remember? That one time? When me and a bunch (read: <10) my readers wrote a bunch of questions? Well, you can read them all here! Since I've nothing better to do, let me answer them all!

1. What is worse: Going to your favorite restaurant, ordering your favorite steak only underneath the steak is a scabby band-aid. Or?
   Being electrocuted.
   
   
   
   
2. Do you like me?
   Probably.
   
   
   
3. What percent of all paper clips that you come in contact with do you unfold?
   About 80.
   




4. What are your five favorite movies? (Legally Blonde does not count)
   Raging Bull, The Bicycle Thief, Finding Nemo, Star Wars, Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion.
   
   
   
5. Have you ever left a pair of underwear in the forest?
   No
   
   
   
6. If zombies were real, would you be afraid of them?
   Yes. Because what if they lived (un-lived?) under water and every time you got on a boat they started to climb up the outside of the boat with their sucker hands? You would have nowhere to run!
   
   
   
7. How many Cold Cut Combos could you eat in a day?
   I would say three
   
   
   
8. How many times have you lost your keys in an article of clothing you are wearing?
   Maybe never. I did once lose them in a river of Lava. That soap will scour your skin right off if you are not careful.
   
   
   
9. Do you like almonds?
   Yes, yes yes, I do yes.
   
   
   
10. Does God exist?
    My sources say yes
    
    
    
11. Is there something better than pie?
    Yes, two pies.
    
    
    
12. What were/are the economic, social, and political consequences of Marbury vs. Madison?
    Too long for this post. Please see the Wikipedia article I wrote on the subject.
    
    
    
13. Age?
    26 years, 11 month. Exactly. Today.
    
    
    
14. Sex?
    M
    
    
    
15. Location?
    Smartass answer: Relative to what? Regular answer: Washington DC
    
    
    
16. In your opinion, is there always room for one more?
    Yes. Well, maybe. No.
    
    
    
17. What do you need more of?
    Time
    
    
    
18. How do you feel when you are stuck in traffic and a motorcycle drives by between the lanes?
    Like I want to open my door and have the motorcycle crash into it. I did that one time. Wait, no I didn;t.
    
    
    
19. Do you want a Cadillac Escalade?
    Yes, I would like a Cadillac Escalade. So I could burn a Cadillac Escalade.
    
    
    
20. What are your feelings regarding 25cent hot dog night?
    Along with Gutenberg's printing press and the transistor, one of the three greatest societal advancements ever.
    
    
    
21. How often do you take public transportation?
    2+ times per day.
    
    
    
22. When you were 16 did you find Monty Python hilarious? Do you find them hilarious now?
    Meh, and no.
    
    
    
23. Which is scarier: 1) As you are being put under anesthesia for a big, hairy operation, you find out that Mo, Larry, and Curly are assisting -or- 2) You are locked in a room and are forced to watch an endless loop of the same episode of Gilligan's Island?
    Neither, it's a shark riding on the back of an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see. Wait, what was the question?
    
    
    
    
24. What is the biggest risk you are facing at this very moment?
    In the grand scheme of things, each of us are, at best, marginally significant, so to say that anything, even something that would result in my untimely death should I choose to do it, is a risk is disingenuous at best.
    
    
    
25. Can you ever have too much money?
    Yes. Even a thousand dollars worth of pennies would be to heavy to carry, thus limiting it's practicality.
    
    
    
26. Black and Blue or Black and Tan?
    Mississippi Mud Black and Tan.
    
    
    
27. Have you ever kissed a boy on the lips?
    Yes.
    
    
    
28. 
    Have you ever kissed a girl on the lips?
    Yes.
    
    
    
29. 
    If they made the movie of your life, what would the title of the movie be?
    Saving Private Ryan Texas Chainsaw Massacre Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion We'll See When We Get There.
    
    
    
30. How many camels fit on the head of a pin?
    Given that a standard map pin has a top surface area of 75 mm^2, I would have to say about 1 million very tiny camels.
    
    
    
31. Who do you like better ... Ben or Jerry?
    Dr. Benjamin Spock or Jerry Falwell? Uh, neither, dude.
    
    
    
32. How many chapters will your book have?
    42
    
    
    
33. What is your favorite color?
    That greenish blue that the Pacific Ocean is just after sunrise in the tidepools at Canon Beach.
    
    
    
34. What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
    *puts hand to throat, swallows*
    About .2 km/h. Check back at lunch and I will estimate the velocity of a laden swallow.
    
    
    
35. How long do you have to drive continually before you start going insane?
    Once I drove from Seattle all the way to Boston (the entire span of Interstate 90, the longest Interstate in the country) without sleeping, so, uh, a long time.
    
    
    
36. Boxers or Briefs?
    Neither.
    
    
    
37. What is the most important meal of the day?
    The next one
    
    
    
38. Are you a Toys (backwards)R Us Kid?
    Not really. I grew up.
    
    
    
39. snow skiing: a great sport, or the greatest sport?
    I judge all snow skiiers based on the following anecdote: Once, in highschool, I went snowboarding with a bunch of my friends, and this one girl that went with us, her name was Rose, I wonder what ever happened to her?, anyway, it was the first time she had ever gone snowboarding, so she wasn't any good and she kept falling down. Once, she fell down and was trying to get up when a skiier came flying by and very deliberately whacked her in the head with his pole. So skiiers suck.
    
    
    
40. can you lick your elbow?
    No
    
    
    
41. did you just try to lick your elbow or did you already know that it is physically impossible to do that?
    In an act representing the futile human drive for advancement in the face of the crushing fact of our insignificance, both.
    
    
42. Will you be in my punk band?
    Sure
    
    
    
43. Even if my punk band is named POLE-DANCING HEMATOMA?
    I guess, but I think it would be bigger hit with a different name. Maybe POLE-DANCING DIFFUSE AXONAL INJURY.
    
    
    
44. Is Crisco OK?
    As far as I know. What is Criso?
    
    
    
45. How many times per minute must you remind yourself, "I am not my job"?
    Well, contrary to most people, I am not my job, my job is me and has to remind itself several times per second.
    
    
    
46. Is M. Night Shmalayan lame?
    Yeah, kinda he is.
    
    
    
47. Were you hugged enough?
    You mean just a second ago? No. Nobody hugs me at work.
    
    
    
48. Are you hugged enough?
    Yes
    
    
    
    
49. ARE YOU EVER GOING TO BE HUGGED ENOUGH?
    Maybe I should go home and just hug my family about a million billion times and then I could call it even for the rest of my life.
    
    
    
50. Why don't you own a gas mask? Seriously.
    I do, actually.
    
    
    
51. The Unitatis Redintegratio document of the Catholic Church's Second Vatican Council is desperately important because...
    I solidifies the dirty Marianists that have polluted the Vatican for 15 centuries in the same camp as the evil, miscegenating Ecumenical Church of Deceit. (www.sliceoflaodicea.com)
    
    
    
52. Eminem or not?
    Not.
    
    
    
53. If you're a white person, and you don't listen to much hip-hop, and yet you like the Beastie Boys, what the hell is wrong with you? Don't you realize that the Beastie Boys ARE ELVIS?
    I find it unkind, even a little bit uninformed to criticize people for their musical tastes. Inherent in any criticism is the self-held notion that your own musical tastes are vastly superior, which smacks of self-delusion and cultural/racial superiority. That being said, I happen to know that the Beastie Boys are NOT in fact, Elvis. There are three of them.
    
    
    
54. Are you trying to perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect? If not, whatever else could you possibly be doing with your life that is so important it could keep you from trying to be perfect as your Father is perfect?
    Yeah
    
    
    
55. How many minutes "ahead" or "behind" is your watch set for?
    One or two either way. Stupid time zones.
    
    
    
56. Where have you been?
    I've been to Hollywood, I've been to Redwood. I've been searching for a heart of gold. I found it in Burlingame, CA. I ripped it out of their chest and sold it on the gray market for $600 per ounce.
    
    
57. Name?
    Schuyler (pronounced JOHN)
    
    
58. How far away from your home town do you live and how far away would you like to live?

2,688 miles from the home I was born in to the home I live in now. And somewhat less than that for question 2.




59. In your opinion, is expensive champagne really better than cheap champagne?

Yes, but you certainly get diminishing returns about maybe $10 per bottle.



60. How sad would you be if you ran over a cat?

I did once. It appears the answer is "Not Very"


61. If you were a parasite, would you rather spend your gestational stage in the innards of a cow or the innards of a caterpillar?

Definitely a cow. Four stomachs = four times the fun!



62. How high does your volume knob go?

Well, it used to go to 10, but then it broke off and I had to re-solder it and in so doing I think I screwed up the voltage, so now I don't know how high it goes on its old 1-10 scale. The amp still just says 10.



63. Totally rad, totally rockin, or totally sick?

Totally rad. I have never said "totally sick" unless I was totally sick.



64. What do you know about the Hood of death from Psalm 23?

Is that what they call that thing from that famous Abu Gharib picture? It's in the bible? Well I'll be! Torture is the Biblical Christian thing to do then!



65. Have you ever followed an exercise regimen to strengthen your core? (include responses to all five W's in your answer)

No, I don't have a core.



66. If the only kinds of candy left on the planet were m and ms (original), reeses pieces, and skittles, which variety would be most likely to survive the ensuing struggle for survival?

I am just going to buy some of each and I will tell you later.



67. Top three power ballads?

1. I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) - Meatloaf
2. To Be With You - Mr. Big
3. Paradise City - G 'n' F'n R



68. Explain the statement "God is good." Support your position.

We can conceive of a Supreme Being and each other. Ergo, God is good.



69. You must be world champion at something. What is it?
    Smashing guitars.




70. What is the first pop, rock, or rap song you choreographed dance moves to? What was your signature move?
    I have never choreographed dance moves, unfortunately.




71. If you're in a relationship, and you and your significant other could redistribute your combined existing weight between the two of you (the girl could give 10 pounds to the guy, or vice versa, of any amount), what do you mutually decide to do?
    I'd take some weight from her. She could feel good about it and I hide it well.





72. House, or Gray's Anatomy?
    Neither, sorry.



73. Antz, or A Bug's Life?
    A Bug's Life is, objectively, 154 times better than Antz. The "z" at the end of Antz accounts for A Bug's Life being 100 times better.



74. Paris Hilton, or Nicole Richie?
    I don't know what that second one looks like, so I don't know.
    



75. Toward, or towards?
    Tuh-wahrds.



76. Loving and losing, or never loving at all?
    Loving and not losing



77. Coffee, or tea?
    Coffee
    


78. Or me?
    Huh?



79. Why the hell do people ever waste money on weddings?
    Oh there's a whole long history on that that I don't want to go into right now.

Unimaginable Fun in Chicago

Hey, did you know that Chicago is an awesome and fun city? Yeah, me neither because I had to spend my 2.79 days there either in a conference, eating dinner with people from said conference or sleeping. Well, I read some books too. And I stayed in a really dumpy hotel too. The shower curtain bar fell out of the wall, as did the towel bar. There was no toilet paper on the holder when I checked in. The paint was peeling and mildewy, and thank goodness I didn't have a black light because who knows what kind of stains I would have uncovered on the bed.

By far, the highlight of my trip was seeing the two apartment(?) buildings that are on the cover of Wilco's Yankee Hotel Foxtrot album. That was awesome. The second highlight was looking at the John Hancock building. Not going up to the top, just looking at it. It was pretty sweet. It even has a Jamba Juice on the bottom! I didn't go to said Jamba Juice store, nor have I ever been to one, but still. The third highlight was, um, eating at a ridiculously yuppified/touristy restaurant downtown called Carmine's. Well, eating wasn't that great. What was great was that the maitre d' was wearing two ties, one on top of the other. I gotta try that. The fourth highlight was when we were driving back to the crappy hotel from the nice conference hotel and we thought we were on Erie St. but were actually on Huron St.! I couldn't stop laughing.

Beating a Dead House

So we just finished this book. It was pretty good. We bought it in the Seattle airport on Tuesday morning. The airport is where we like to buy all our books about airplanes crashing. It just fits. Anyway, the book was called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. Here is a review for you. It even has a bow on it and some expensive wrapping paper.

It is a good book.

Hm, that's too short...Shall we get all loquacious and/or pretentious? Okay.

First, let us say that there are some very disturbing parallels, well, maybe parallels is to generous a word, more like identicals between the protaganist in EL&IC and the narrator of Gunter Grass's The Tin Drum: both are named Oskar (Schell and Matzerath respectively). Both are relatively strange children who obsessively play percussion instruments among many other idiosyncracies. Maybe it's just a tribute to Grass, I don't know. Anyway, this review is boring. Long story short, the book uses all the classic modernist cliches, time jumps/mixed-up chronology, multiple narratory viewpoints, intentional misspelings, etc. Mr. Foer even throws in diagrams and pictures a la James Joyce in Finnegan's Wake (which, by the way is not a real book. It looks like a book but no one in recorded history has ever been able to finish it. Anyone that tells you that they read the whole thing is a liar, even your English professors. They are so just pretending). He uses these affectations to tell an interesting and well imagined story about a boy whose father was killed in 9/11. He also throws in a Vonnegutian (Vonnegut-esque? Vonnegutious? Vonnegut-like?) sequence about the bombing of Dresden in WWII. Blah blah blah we couldn't put it down, so now we're finished with it. Hm? Not enough literary references? Okay, well we suppose you could also compare it to the recent novel The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon in that both are written from the perspective of a precocious/disturbed child on a quest and are intentionally disorienting, probably as a reflection of the ennui/fear/overinformed/cynical/confused zeitgeist of our time. Whatever that means. We just made it up right now. Someone put us on the back of a book cover. We want to be blurbed.

Oh yeah, we also bought some CDs.

Wolfmother - Wolfmother: It sounds like Black Sabbath, the Doors, The Who, AC/DC, and the Clash went on a drunken bender and fell down six flights of stairs only to land one right on top of the other in a giant ice-cube tray and then got doused with 56 gallons of putrid, three-week old bath water. So yeah, it rules.

The French Kicks - One Time Bells: Sound like the Strokes. But the CD was only $1.99 in the used bin, so....

Van Morrison - Moondance: Into the Mystic is perhaps the best single-take song ever recorded. Perhaps.

Matador Records Thingy: Also from the used bin. It is a veritable cornucopia Jack-o-lantern (it's still October) of "popular" indie bands like Cat Power, the New Pornographers, Belle & Sebastian etc. It's not bad. We're listening to it right now infact. Our favorite is Brightblack Morning Light.


We are going to Chicago for three days next week. Look for pictures of birds. And snow.

Bad Photoetry Thursday: Eleven Giant Pipes

photo credit: loupiote at flickr

Trite and Pompous at the Same Time!

Well, so much for making cool art stuff. I found out I'm horribly obvious and heavy-handed. Oh well.

Here are my two versions of what everybody (read: 5 people) sent in. Also, thanks for sending me some cool pictures.

What does it all mean? Only everyone can know for sure!

Version 1


Version 2

B-B-B-B-Back in.....Ah, who cares.

You know, I've had a lot of disappointments in my life. Once, I reached into a box of Wheat Thins only to realize that I had already eaten them all. Another time I got two of the same McDonald's Monopoly pieces on the same soda cup. Then this other time when I thought I was going to get a million dollars, I actually got hit in the head with a cricket bat (I don't think "bat" is the right word. Cricketers probably call it a "stollie" or a "widger" or a "trollop" or something).

But nothing has been as disappointing as the response to my post from last Tuesday. Four pictures? Four pictures!? And one from someone that I've never even met? Wait, no. TWO FROM PEOPLE THAT I HAVE NEVER EVEN MET, WELL OKAY, ONE OF THEM I HAVE SEEN FROM ACROSS THE ROOM BUT I DIDN'T ACTUALLY TALK TO THEM AND THEN THEY WENT BACK TO ARIZONA. Seriously, come on people, I know there are at least three others of you that have seen the post. Throw me a bone here. It was going to be awesome and then you had to go and screw it up in the only possible way: NOT FINDING AND %$#(&^$(&#)*%$ PICTURES!

It's not so hard. Watch....
http://www.flickr.com/photos/brienapplegate/257021772/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/daskine/107393802/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/chulipichuli/62450739/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/smbne/31924853/

See? Was that so hard? It took like, three minutes to find those. You just have to type in any old search term and something will come up. Hell, there's even 71 results for "denouement!"

Can we try this again?

Mottled Graying Stars

Ha ha! Remember that one time when I tried to get a big communal art project/survey going? And remember how nobody answered it because I never posted it anywhere? Well, here it is. You can put your answers in the comment section! It's a game! For each answer, you get one point! Then you lose all your points! Nobody wins!

Anyway, here's a better idea for a communal project. This one is a poem. I wish I had thought of this first instead of my friend Kirk. I also wish I had 61 people to leave me comments. Oh well.

Anyway, here's my new idea: photos.

I am going on vacation tomorrow (if visiting family is really vacation). While I am gone, here is what I want you to do.

1. Go to flickr.com


2. Choose any photo you find that you like (actually, no nudes please, this is a family site you pervert).


3. Leave the url in the comment section.


4. Tell your friends to do the same thing.

When I get back from vacation I will look at all the photos and incorporate them into some kind of project. Then I will submit it to some art museum and we can all be famous. OR, I can just post it here and we can all think, "wouldn't it be cool if this thing blew up like Post Secret and everybody started submitting stuff to it and we started it?"

That is so not going to happen.

A Picture with a Green Frame

Once, on a dare, I ate an entire ten-pound bag of basmati rice.

I used to build cardboard boxes out nothing but cardboard and tape.

Once, I ran so fast that my shoes caught fire. My feet still have the scars.

Yesterday, I walked to the train station.

When I was 15 years old, I punched a guy so hard I broke my own nose.

I like to play sports.

No I don'!

WTF?

That was a major faux pas!

My desk is covered with an ear wax and turkey gravy patina.

It was valued at over 1 million dollars on antiques roadshow.

My son will turn three next saturday.

He can already read in five different languages.

Once, I caught a bean bag without even looking.

A tower of blocks stacked six feet high contain more energy than a nuclear bong.

If a stand of trees has more than 14 individual trees, it's not a "stand." Instead, it's called a shrift.

I invented the word "blog."

I taught Michael Jackson how to "moonwalk."

I have walked on the moon.

Some lead, some follow, some get out of the way. I do all three at the same time.

If an elephant were the size of me, it's tusks would have to be made out of gold just to survive more than three days.

A beer bottle once broke me over its head.

I read it on Reddit.

I call people "macaca" and get away with it.

I'm waiting for my ride, but I have to wait inside the store where they let me play the organ.

It was an awesome old funky Hammond organ.

I wanted to buy it.

A cell phone can be built entirely by hand using only an old cellphone.

I don't give wedding advice. I am wedding advice.

There are 8,093 results for "bong" on flickr. There are 82,173 results for "jesus." There are 61,037 for "sex." There are 233 for "chode." There are 1,174,306 for "tree." There are 3,349,095 for "me." There are 1,917,440 for "you." Sounds about right.

Love means never, ever wearing parachute pants out in public.

Love means not owning parachute pants.

Love means cheese.

The Seahawks will score more than 30 points against the Bears on Sunday.

Bad Photoetry Thursday: Freakin' Central America

Do (Not) Pass Go

I hereby issue a warning: the main portion of this post will discuss matters theological, religical, and possibly pseudo-philosophical. If you are not interested in this kind of stuff (or even if you are) I would recommend reading the following instead:

1. If you live in the District and you want to fear for your life: Read This


2. If you like football and profanity: Read This


3. If you like addictive and maddening Flash games: Play this

There, that should cover all but the most masochistic of readers (Hi!)

So, I recently borrowed/was handed unsolicited a book from my friend Mike. It looked like this...

And here is what Mike had to say about it. Wait, no, here is what he had to say about it.

Here is what I have to say about it so far. And by "so far" I mean, halfway through the second part (the part about practical application)

After reading the first part all the way through, I decided that it may (not) require a re-read. But anyway, I liked some things about it and disliked others. I liked the obligatory rundown of what some of the hallmarks of postmodern thought are. Every "postmodern" or "emergent" theology book is required by law to have some sort of introduction to the idea that all inputs can/will be interpreted differently by different people, and the chapter in this book on that subject was probably the best one I've read. Second, I liked that it was short, since my reading time is synonomous with "times when I find a seat on the train or bus" However, just because it is short does not mean that it is light. Mr. Rollins is, regardless of all judgment of his theological beliefs, a good writer. More importantly, he is a concise writer. If there's one thing that obfuscates the intent of any philosophical piece it's florid prose. I guess Mr. Rollins is not trying to obfuscate anything. Third, I liked his idea that the Bible is best read with a "prejudice of love." If we're going to read it with a prejudice (and if you would just read the freaking intro to this book, you would know that that is unavoidable) it might as well be with a "prejudice of love," right? And fourth (there are more than four things I liked about this book, but this post is already getting long), I loved the linearity of the presentation. Instead of introducing ideas all scatter-shot and letting the reader sort things out, Mr. Rollins has presented them in a logical fashion in which one thought leads directly to the next. This makes the reading easier, but is not very "emergent." It's almost like he has a specific thing he is trying to make us think!

Now, as a counterpoint, here are four things I didn't like about it. First, in my opinion (IMHO for those that only know IM-English) there is not enough discussion of what Jesus actually taught. Instead, we are treated to dozens of quotations from contemporary, or at least relatively contemporary, philsophers talking about what Jesus meant when he said what he said. To me this seems like scuba diving in Rimrock Lake and reading a sign on the bottom of the like that tells you what the Great Barrier Reef looks like. Actually, that might be the world's worst analogy, so never mind. But you get the idea, right? Second, Mr. Rollins seems to flirt dangerously with a faith of pure existentialism. He struggles and ultimately fails, again according to me, to define faith as anything other than some undefinable "experience" of God. Sort of a, "you'll know it when you see it" kind of thing. I can't cotton to this thinking. I just can't. Reason, science, evidence, these all have to play a part in it. Why would the original Christian documents spend so much time emphasizing the truth of what happened (death, resurrection etc) if "what really happened" is irrelevant in the face of a "God Experience?" I guess I would fall somewhere between Mr. Rollins and Francis Schaeffer on this topic. Third, and this one may (not) be fair, I don't like the services described in the latter half of the book. To me they sound like shows. Good shows probably, but shows nonetheless. I think this ties in to the existentialism of the book/emergent movement in general. You can easily use a good show (cool art, candles, digital projectors, constant music!) to produce a feeling of "experience!!!!" without any substance. Politicians know this, rock stars know this, it is common knowledge. I'm not saying that the services described have no substance, but the focus of them seems to be on having it look "cool." Even a dirty heathen could make a "church" "service" look cool and seem "authentic" if you taught them a few key words and ideas. They don't need to believe it, but they can sure make other people "feel" it. This worries me in general, and maybe I'll write a post later about what I think might be better. But maybe not. And finally, fourth, I wish "emergent" writers would stop using the same ol' people to endorse their books. I can look at the cover and know what Brian McLaren thinks about it, you don't need to tell me. Wait, that's a bad example because his blurb is on the cover. Well, imagine that it wasn't, I would still know what he would say about this book. Isn't there somebody out there who we don't know about that liked this book? Anyone? Or is it just that "unconventional" "emergent" people are just as easy to market to as any other group and that upon seeing a few key endorsements we go into a sort of unthinking trance and buy the book? Yeah, probably that one. I wish I was a religious book publisher because that's where the money is: selling books to upper-middle class, self-loathing yet strangely self-righteous urban white people. Wait, am I just talking about myself here? Crap!

List Tuesday: It's All Over

Two Signs that the Apocalypse is Nigh (Or Metaphorical Apocalyptic Drama if You Don't Believe that Revelations is a Literal Description of What Will Happen In the END TIMES, You Stupid Heathen)

1. Weird Al is cool again (I say "again" with some hesitation as I'm not sure if he has ever been cool with the general public before, and by general public I mean "anyone other than 12-year-old boys")



2. So liquids are now allowed through security at the airport, at least in small quantities. Of all the types of liquids you can have, four were specifically mentioned as "allowed" in this morning's Metro Express. One of the four was "personal lubricant."

Random Picture Friday: That Darn Cat Dog

This is such a beautiful picture. We love it's evocation of the wide open field of freedom so brilliantly espoused in the doctrines of baseball. Whatever that means. We just made it up right now.





Let us tell you, if we had a nickel for every time we've been viciously body checked by a giant dog in a giant field of grass, well, we, uh, still wouldn't have any nickels. Dang.

We Will All Be Astronauts

And by "astronauts" I mean "rich" thanks to Web 2.0

Here is my sales pitch for the all new A Ton of Bricks, complete with logo!



Welcome to the all-new A Ton of Bricks; We're about what Web 2.0 is about. We are on the brink of a new age and Web 2.0 is the new New.

It's all about community. Taggable folksonomies! On-demand news clouds with one click! Roll your own podcasts! Cry out, blogosphere! Social is the new push!

Here are some of the features that will be incorporated into the All New A Ton of Bricks - this will change everything.

• Dynamic inline updating with yellow fades!


• An AJAX-driven GUI


• disintermediate peer-to-peer communities


• post rss-capable networking


• Ruby on Rails


• enabling of embedded platforms


• incentivized user-contributed network effects


• Emergent topologies based on PERL-enabled sub-scripting


• DRM-free video sharing through Skype


• Monetizing through AdSense


• Real-time aggregation of content-sensitive Atom feeds

We shall transcend borders.

Bad Photoetry Thursday: It's Been a Long Time Coming

Here it is again! Yay!

And before you ask, no, I don't know what it means. You tell me what it means, smartypants.

Here We Go

So what do we do when it seems as though the world has fundamentally changed since the last time we wrote a post? We don't have an answer, but we will see as things progress. Today we will just write a post about food, how's that for starters?

Food thought #1: Even though it seems like it, it is not a good idea to have Black Pepper Jack Doritos, French Onion Dip, mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and 5 beers for dinner. Trust us on this one, you will regret it the next day.

Food thought #2: We have finally decided that disliking Magic Hat beers on principle because so many other people (read: New Englanders) think Magic Hat is some kind of unassailable masterpiece brewery, God's gift to beer drinkers etc is pointless. What changed our mind was when we opened a bottle of MH's Seasonale Jinx and found the following quotation on the cap "All my friends are brown and red." Any brewery that is willing to quote Soundgarden is all right by us. Plus, this just shows that Magic Hat wishes it were a Pacific Northwest beer.

Food thought #3: For the rest of our life, every time we drink a beer, before we take our first sip, we will raise it to Will Stavlund's memory and say a prayer for his family.

Food thought #4: We have devised the best recipe ever. Just listen to this. Dorito. Lasagna. All you do is replace the lasagna noodles with Cool Ranch Doritos. And maybe replace the ricotta cheese with that liquid nacho cheese in a can. How could this not be good? Well, maybe the tomatoe sauce should be replaced with some kind of taco sauce. This is making us very hungry.

William Addison Stavlund

May 9 - September 12, 2006



Our Father, who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22

If I missed your blog in this list, send me an email and let me know. I want to hit as many as I can.

The Power of Christ Compels Me

Did you know that the Vatican (part of the Pentavarate if you didn't already know) has a Senior Exorcist? It's true. His name is Gabriele Amorth. What a cool job. I can totally imagine what a conversation with him would be like between me and him at one of the stupid conferences I have to go to and I am meeting him for the first time and we are exchanging business cards and all that other stuff.

Me: Hi, I'm Schuyler.

Him: Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Gabriele by the way.

Me: Gabriele? Kind of a girly name, no?

Him: What? Are you saying that I'm..

Me: Dude, I was just kidding. So, what brings you to this conference.

Him: Oh, same old stuff, injuries, brain damage, new research, you know.

Me: Yeah, I hear you. Who are you with?

Him: Um, I'm standing here with you right now.

Me: No, I mean, who do you work for?

Him: See? You're not the only one who thinks he's funny. And I work for the Vatican. I've been there about 35 years now.

Me: Wow! That's quite awhile! What do you do there?

Him: Well, I started out in the heresy hunting department, for, oh, about 15 years then I moved over to the regular old "priest" thing for about 7 years, after that, I moved to the "kicking the devils butt" crew, and now I am Senior Exorcist.

Me: No kidding? Senior Exorcist?

Him: Yep, says so right here on my card.

Me: Hey, thanks! Here's my card.

Him: Has it been blessed?

Me: What, my card? Uh, I don't think so...

Him: Then keep that thing the $&%@ away from me. You might as well hand me a copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban! Filthy Garbage! Demonic!

Me: Okay, just chill man.

Me: So, Senior Exorcist. I bet you can Exorcize the hell out of people, huh?

Him: Literally. Although Senior Exorcist is more of a desk job than one that really gets me out in the field. It's mostly office politics.

Me: Yeah, that sucks. I mean, unless your desk was possessed and you got to exorcize it! Can a furniture be possessed?

Him: I guess a demon could live in a desk and move it around, poltergeist style. That's more "habitation" than "possession" though. And I don't think I would do the job.

Me: Why not?

Him: It's more a job for a Deskorcist!

Me: .......

Him: Get it? Get it? A deskorcist?

Me: .......

Him: Well, what do you do?

Me: Oh, you know, basic biomechanics research and stuff. We've done some injury testing on pigs.

Him: Some of the first exorcism testing was on pigs!

Me: That's a stupid biblical reference or something, isn't it?

Him: Yeah....

And so on and so on.

Look, I know this was stupid, but it's really funny if you picture it in some soul-killing (not possessing) conference center over a cup of crappy coffee and some who-knows-how-old crackers or cookies or something. Seriously, it is.