Spurious Data Collection

Hey! Remember? That one time? When me and a bunch (read: <10) my readers wrote a bunch of questions? Well, you can read them all here! Since I've nothing better to do, let me answer them all!

1. What is worse: Going to your favorite restaurant, ordering your favorite steak only underneath the steak is a scabby band-aid. Or?
   Being electrocuted.
   
   
   
   
2. Do you like me?
   Probably.
   
   
   
3. What percent of all paper clips that you come in contact with do you unfold?
   About 80.
   




4. What are your five favorite movies? (Legally Blonde does not count)
   Raging Bull, The Bicycle Thief, Finding Nemo, Star Wars, Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion.
   
   
   
5. Have you ever left a pair of underwear in the forest?
   No
   
   
   
6. If zombies were real, would you be afraid of them?
   Yes. Because what if they lived (un-lived?) under water and every time you got on a boat they started to climb up the outside of the boat with their sucker hands? You would have nowhere to run!
   
   
   
7. How many Cold Cut Combos could you eat in a day?
   I would say three
   
   
   
8. How many times have you lost your keys in an article of clothing you are wearing?
   Maybe never. I did once lose them in a river of Lava. That soap will scour your skin right off if you are not careful.
   
   
   
9. Do you like almonds?
   Yes, yes yes, I do yes.
   
   
   
10. Does God exist?
    My sources say yes
    
    
    
11. Is there something better than pie?
    Yes, two pies.
    
    
    
12. What were/are the economic, social, and political consequences of Marbury vs. Madison?
    Too long for this post. Please see the Wikipedia article I wrote on the subject.
    
    
    
13. Age?
    26 years, 11 month. Exactly. Today.
    
    
    
14. Sex?
    M
    
    
    
15. Location?
    Smartass answer: Relative to what? Regular answer: Washington DC
    
    
    
16. In your opinion, is there always room for one more?
    Yes. Well, maybe. No.
    
    
    
17. What do you need more of?
    Time
    
    
    
18. How do you feel when you are stuck in traffic and a motorcycle drives by between the lanes?
    Like I want to open my door and have the motorcycle crash into it. I did that one time. Wait, no I didn;t.
    
    
    
19. Do you want a Cadillac Escalade?
    Yes, I would like a Cadillac Escalade. So I could burn a Cadillac Escalade.
    
    
    
20. What are your feelings regarding 25cent hot dog night?
    Along with Gutenberg's printing press and the transistor, one of the three greatest societal advancements ever.
    
    
    
21. How often do you take public transportation?
    2+ times per day.
    
    
    
22. When you were 16 did you find Monty Python hilarious? Do you find them hilarious now?
    Meh, and no.
    
    
    
23. Which is scarier: 1) As you are being put under anesthesia for a big, hairy operation, you find out that Mo, Larry, and Curly are assisting -or- 2) You are locked in a room and are forced to watch an endless loop of the same episode of Gilligan's Island?
    Neither, it's a shark riding on the back of an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see. Wait, what was the question?
    
    
    
    
24. What is the biggest risk you are facing at this very moment?
    In the grand scheme of things, each of us are, at best, marginally significant, so to say that anything, even something that would result in my untimely death should I choose to do it, is a risk is disingenuous at best.
    
    
    
25. Can you ever have too much money?
    Yes. Even a thousand dollars worth of pennies would be to heavy to carry, thus limiting it's practicality.
    
    
    
26. Black and Blue or Black and Tan?
    Mississippi Mud Black and Tan.
    
    
    
27. Have you ever kissed a boy on the lips?
    Yes.
    
    
    
28. 
    Have you ever kissed a girl on the lips?
    Yes.
    
    
    
29. 
    If they made the movie of your life, what would the title of the movie be?
    Saving Private Ryan Texas Chainsaw Massacre Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion We'll See When We Get There.
    
    
    
30. How many camels fit on the head of a pin?
    Given that a standard map pin has a top surface area of 75 mm^2, I would have to say about 1 million very tiny camels.
    
    
    
31. Who do you like better ... Ben or Jerry?
    Dr. Benjamin Spock or Jerry Falwell? Uh, neither, dude.
    
    
    
32. How many chapters will your book have?
    42
    
    
    
33. What is your favorite color?
    That greenish blue that the Pacific Ocean is just after sunrise in the tidepools at Canon Beach.
    
    
    
34. What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
    *puts hand to throat, swallows*
    About .2 km/h. Check back at lunch and I will estimate the velocity of a laden swallow.
    
    
    
35. How long do you have to drive continually before you start going insane?
    Once I drove from Seattle all the way to Boston (the entire span of Interstate 90, the longest Interstate in the country) without sleeping, so, uh, a long time.
    
    
    
36. Boxers or Briefs?
    Neither.
    
    
    
37. What is the most important meal of the day?
    The next one
    
    
    
38. Are you a Toys (backwards)R Us Kid?
    Not really. I grew up.
    
    
    
39. snow skiing: a great sport, or the greatest sport?
    I judge all snow skiiers based on the following anecdote: Once, in highschool, I went snowboarding with a bunch of my friends, and this one girl that went with us, her name was Rose, I wonder what ever happened to her?, anyway, it was the first time she had ever gone snowboarding, so she wasn't any good and she kept falling down. Once, she fell down and was trying to get up when a skiier came flying by and very deliberately whacked her in the head with his pole. So skiiers suck.
    
    
    
40. can you lick your elbow?
    No
    
    
    
41. did you just try to lick your elbow or did you already know that it is physically impossible to do that?
    In an act representing the futile human drive for advancement in the face of the crushing fact of our insignificance, both.
    
    
42. Will you be in my punk band?
    Sure
    
    
    
43. Even if my punk band is named POLE-DANCING HEMATOMA?
    I guess, but I think it would be bigger hit with a different name. Maybe POLE-DANCING DIFFUSE AXONAL INJURY.
    
    
    
44. Is Crisco OK?
    As far as I know. What is Criso?
    
    
    
45. How many times per minute must you remind yourself, "I am not my job"?
    Well, contrary to most people, I am not my job, my job is me and has to remind itself several times per second.
    
    
    
46. Is M. Night Shmalayan lame?
    Yeah, kinda he is.
    
    
    
47. Were you hugged enough?
    You mean just a second ago? No. Nobody hugs me at work.
    
    
    
48. Are you hugged enough?
    Yes
    
    
    
    
49. ARE YOU EVER GOING TO BE HUGGED ENOUGH?
    Maybe I should go home and just hug my family about a million billion times and then I could call it even for the rest of my life.
    
    
    
50. Why don't you own a gas mask? Seriously.
    I do, actually.
    
    
    
51. The Unitatis Redintegratio document of the Catholic Church's Second Vatican Council is desperately important because...
    I solidifies the dirty Marianists that have polluted the Vatican for 15 centuries in the same camp as the evil, miscegenating Ecumenical Church of Deceit. (www.sliceoflaodicea.com)
    
    
    
52. Eminem or not?
    Not.
    
    
    
53. If you're a white person, and you don't listen to much hip-hop, and yet you like the Beastie Boys, what the hell is wrong with you? Don't you realize that the Beastie Boys ARE ELVIS?
    I find it unkind, even a little bit uninformed to criticize people for their musical tastes. Inherent in any criticism is the self-held notion that your own musical tastes are vastly superior, which smacks of self-delusion and cultural/racial superiority. That being said, I happen to know that the Beastie Boys are NOT in fact, Elvis. There are three of them.
    
    
    
54. Are you trying to perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect? If not, whatever else could you possibly be doing with your life that is so important it could keep you from trying to be perfect as your Father is perfect?
    Yeah
    
    
    
55. How many minutes "ahead" or "behind" is your watch set for?
    One or two either way. Stupid time zones.
    
    
    
56. Where have you been?
    I've been to Hollywood, I've been to Redwood. I've been searching for a heart of gold. I found it in Burlingame, CA. I ripped it out of their chest and sold it on the gray market for $600 per ounce.
    
    
57. Name?
    Schuyler (pronounced JOHN)
    
    
58. How far away from your home town do you live and how far away would you like to live?

2,688 miles from the home I was born in to the home I live in now. And somewhat less than that for question 2.




59. In your opinion, is expensive champagne really better than cheap champagne?

Yes, but you certainly get diminishing returns about maybe $10 per bottle.



60. How sad would you be if you ran over a cat?

I did once. It appears the answer is "Not Very"


61. If you were a parasite, would you rather spend your gestational stage in the innards of a cow or the innards of a caterpillar?

Definitely a cow. Four stomachs = four times the fun!



62. How high does your volume knob go?

Well, it used to go to 10, but then it broke off and I had to re-solder it and in so doing I think I screwed up the voltage, so now I don't know how high it goes on its old 1-10 scale. The amp still just says 10.



63. Totally rad, totally rockin, or totally sick?

Totally rad. I have never said "totally sick" unless I was totally sick.



64. What do you know about the Hood of death from Psalm 23?

Is that what they call that thing from that famous Abu Gharib picture? It's in the bible? Well I'll be! Torture is the Biblical Christian thing to do then!



65. Have you ever followed an exercise regimen to strengthen your core? (include responses to all five W's in your answer)

No, I don't have a core.



66. If the only kinds of candy left on the planet were m and ms (original), reeses pieces, and skittles, which variety would be most likely to survive the ensuing struggle for survival?

I am just going to buy some of each and I will tell you later.



67. Top three power ballads?

1. I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) - Meatloaf
2. To Be With You - Mr. Big
3. Paradise City - G 'n' F'n R



68. Explain the statement "God is good." Support your position.

We can conceive of a Supreme Being and each other. Ergo, God is good.



69. You must be world champion at something. What is it?
    Smashing guitars.




70. What is the first pop, rock, or rap song you choreographed dance moves to? What was your signature move?
    I have never choreographed dance moves, unfortunately.




71. If you're in a relationship, and you and your significant other could redistribute your combined existing weight between the two of you (the girl could give 10 pounds to the guy, or vice versa, of any amount), what do you mutually decide to do?
    I'd take some weight from her. She could feel good about it and I hide it well.





72. House, or Gray's Anatomy?
    Neither, sorry.



73. Antz, or A Bug's Life?
    A Bug's Life is, objectively, 154 times better than Antz. The "z" at the end of Antz accounts for A Bug's Life being 100 times better.



74. Paris Hilton, or Nicole Richie?
    I don't know what that second one looks like, so I don't know.
    



75. Toward, or towards?
    Tuh-wahrds.



76. Loving and losing, or never loving at all?
    Loving and not losing



77. Coffee, or tea?
    Coffee
    


78. Or me?
    Huh?



79. Why the hell do people ever waste money on weddings?
    Oh there's a whole long history on that that I don't want to go into right now.