The Power of Christ Compels Me

Did you know that the Vatican (part of the Pentavarate if you didn't already know) has a Senior Exorcist? It's true. His name is Gabriele Amorth. What a cool job. I can totally imagine what a conversation with him would be like between me and him at one of the stupid conferences I have to go to and I am meeting him for the first time and we are exchanging business cards and all that other stuff.

Me: Hi, I'm Schuyler.

Him: Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Gabriele by the way.

Me: Gabriele? Kind of a girly name, no?

Him: What? Are you saying that I'm..

Me: Dude, I was just kidding. So, what brings you to this conference.

Him: Oh, same old stuff, injuries, brain damage, new research, you know.

Me: Yeah, I hear you. Who are you with?

Him: Um, I'm standing here with you right now.

Me: No, I mean, who do you work for?

Him: See? You're not the only one who thinks he's funny. And I work for the Vatican. I've been there about 35 years now.

Me: Wow! That's quite awhile! What do you do there?

Him: Well, I started out in the heresy hunting department, for, oh, about 15 years then I moved over to the regular old "priest" thing for about 7 years, after that, I moved to the "kicking the devils butt" crew, and now I am Senior Exorcist.

Me: No kidding? Senior Exorcist?

Him: Yep, says so right here on my card.

Me: Hey, thanks! Here's my card.

Him: Has it been blessed?

Me: What, my card? Uh, I don't think so...

Him: Then keep that thing the $&%@ away from me. You might as well hand me a copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban! Filthy Garbage! Demonic!

Me: Okay, just chill man.

Me: So, Senior Exorcist. I bet you can Exorcize the hell out of people, huh?

Him: Literally. Although Senior Exorcist is more of a desk job than one that really gets me out in the field. It's mostly office politics.

Me: Yeah, that sucks. I mean, unless your desk was possessed and you got to exorcize it! Can a furniture be possessed?

Him: I guess a demon could live in a desk and move it around, poltergeist style. That's more "habitation" than "possession" though. And I don't think I would do the job.

Me: Why not?

Him: It's more a job for a Deskorcist!

Me: .......

Him: Get it? Get it? A deskorcist?

Me: .......

Him: Well, what do you do?

Me: Oh, you know, basic biomechanics research and stuff. We've done some injury testing on pigs.

Him: Some of the first exorcism testing was on pigs!

Me: That's a stupid biblical reference or something, isn't it?

Him: Yeah....

And so on and so on.

Look, I know this was stupid, but it's really funny if you picture it in some soul-killing (not possessing) conference center over a cup of crappy coffee and some who-knows-how-old crackers or cookies or something. Seriously, it is.