Once, on a dare, I ate an entire ten-pound bag of basmati rice.
I used to build cardboard boxes out nothing but cardboard and tape.
Once, I ran so fast that my shoes caught fire. My feet still have the scars.
Yesterday, I walked to the train station.
When I was 15 years old, I punched a guy so hard I broke my own nose.
I like to play sports.
No I don'!
WTF?
That was a major faux pas!
My desk is covered with an ear wax and turkey gravy patina.
It was valued at over 1 million dollars on antiques roadshow.
My son will turn three next saturday.
He can already read in five different languages.
Once, I caught a bean bag without even looking.
A tower of blocks stacked six feet high contain more energy than a nuclear bong.
If a stand of trees has more than 14 individual trees, it's not a "stand." Instead, it's called a shrift.
I invented the word "blog."
I taught Michael Jackson how to "moonwalk."
I have walked on the moon.
Some lead, some follow, some get out of the way. I do all three at the same time.
If an elephant were the size of me, it's tusks would have to be made out of gold just to survive more than three days.
A beer bottle once broke me over its head.
I read it on Reddit.
I call people "macaca" and get away with it.
I'm waiting for my ride, but I have to wait inside the store where they let me play the organ.
It was an awesome old funky Hammond organ.
I wanted to buy it.
A cell phone can be built entirely by hand using only an old cellphone.
I don't give wedding advice. I am wedding advice.
There are 8,093 results for "bong" on flickr. There are 82,173 results for "jesus." There are 61,037 for "sex." There are 233 for "chode." There are 1,174,306 for "tree." There are 3,349,095 for "me." There are 1,917,440 for "you." Sounds about right.
Love means never, ever wearing parachute pants out in public.
Love means not owning parachute pants.
Love means cheese.
The Seahawks will score more than 3
6 comments:
i really like this post.
i was going to defend the bears because i live in chicago blah blah but really my true sentiments are fuck american football. (no offense)
(unless you're one of those fans who thinks he can affect whether or not their team wins through strange rituals. they i hope to offend.)
I don't have any strange rituals. I don't even really care if they win. I just like being a "fan" of a team that's better than the Offensive-slur-for-native-americans.
You
could
be
FAMOUS!
It's not hard to be a fan of a team that's better than the offensive-slur-for-native-americans ... since I believe they are the worst team in the country. Or have they won a game this year?
Oh. I always thought it was spelled "choad." Cool.
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