If I can't use this space to make fun of whatever it is I feel like making fun of, then the terrorists have already won. Speaking of terrorists winning, I once played Chinese Checkers with a terrorist. Let me tell you, he did not win. I beat him five times in a row. Now I know that guys who strap explosives to their chest and blow themselves and possibly a few others up can't be the smartest dudes in the world, but still, Chinese Checkers is easy! And it's not like the games were even close. I wanted to play some Chutes and Ladders next, but he had to go and do something all terroristy. I can't remember exactly what he said. [NOTE TO THE NSA: This is a joke. I have never met a terrorist in my life. Please do not detain me indefinitely at Guantanamo Bay.]
Anyway, back to Bread. Since she seems to disagree with my assessment of the musical value of Bread, I decided to do some in-depth investigation. To that end, I listened to the entirety of Bread's Baby I'm-a Want You album (by the way, thanks, Metro, for the broken-down train that caused the delay that allowed me to hear the whole album!). I tried not to let the terrible title predispose me against the music (this is hard for me as I tend to judge bands by the names they choose. Of course, I'm usually right. Bad Name = Bad Band like, 95% of the time). My worst fears were confirmed. The musicianship is mediocre at best (power chords anyone?) and the songwriting is painful. I would try to describe how bad it is, but I can't. I will let the words to the song "Diary" speak for themselves.
I found her diary underneath a tree.
And started reading about me
The words she’s written took me by surpise
You’d never read them in her eyes.
They said that she had found the love she waited for.
Wouldn’t you know it, she wouldn’t show it.
When she confronted with the writing there,
Simply pretended not to care.
I passed it off as just in keeping with
Her total disconcerting air
And though she tried to hide
The love that she denied,
Wouldn’t you know it, she wouldn’t show it.
And as I go through my life, I will give to her my wife
All the sweet things that I can find.
I found her diary underneath a tree.
And started reading about me.
The words began stick and tears to flow.
Her meaning now was clear to see.
The love she’d waited for was someone else not me
Wouldn’t you know it, she wouldn’t show it.
And as I go through my life, I will wish for her his wife
All the sweet things that she can find
All the sweet things they can find
Sure some of their other songs have decent grooves, and I almost liked a couple of them. At least until I got to the song called, and I'm not making this up, "That Isn't What The Governmeant." There is no recovering from that one.
So, to prove that my musical tastes were superior and that Bread sucks, I decided to go back and look at the brilliant songwriting on the CDs that I brought to the marriage. Below you can find some scintillating examples.
Coldplay - Yellow:
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.
I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called yellow.
What is that crap? I actually bought this CD? Those lyrics don't make any sense! Okay, we're just off to a slow start. Moving along.
Tripping Daisy - I Got A Girl
I got a girl who lives with me
I got a girl she smells so sweetly
I got a girl she loves her dog
I got a girl i love her dog too!
I got a girl who stares in the mirror
I got a girl who blames it on her period
I got a girl she is so right
I got a girl she's my Guiding Light
See, look how clever that song is! Oh, wait. It was recorded in 1995, before irony was cool. Okay, well this song is just stupid. Name checking a soap opera? Yeesh. Oh-for-two.
Cake - Race Car Ya-Yas
The land of race car ya-yas.
The land where you can’t change lanes.
The land where large, fuzzy dice
Still hang proudly
Like testicles from rear-view mirrors.
We just keep rolling with the lyrical genius, don't we? I want to call a moratorium on the use of testicles in analogies. It's a cheap way to get attention, even if the analogy is apt. So, we're 0-3 now.
Green Day - need I say more?
P.O.D. - Let the Music Do The Talking
God made me
-- and I’m funky
We’re set free
-- close your eyes and let your heart see
God made me
-- it’s the p.o.d. and we’re funky
We’re set free
-- for all eternity
Oh yeah. You're funky all right. I believe in a good God, and there's no way I can believe that He created P.O.D. as anything but punishment for the rest of us.
Iron Butterfly - Inna Gadda Davida
[eight minute drum solo]
If I didn't know better, I'd say I was high when I bought this. Drum solos are best taken in moderation.
And finally, the example that really speaks to the excellence of my musical tastes: I OWN FOUR CHRISTIAN SKA ALBUMS. If that is not the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I just tried listening to one on my iPod (hey, even if it sucks I put it on there. Woohoo! 15 gigabytes of space!) and I couldn't do it. Even worse, I once drove to and from Portland in one day to go to a Supertones concert. Man, I am glad that fad died. Or did it?
So there you have it. By comparison, Bread looks like a bunch of lyrical masterminds. I might also add that it was the brickwife that introduced me to:
I'd say that she wins the battle of better taste in songwriting.
On the other hand, she also brought with her The Bloodhound Gang. I think the single lyric "Kiss me where it smells funny" outweighs the combined genius of everybody in that list.
Let's call it a draw.
6 comments:
I'm gonna proudly say that I liked the Bread lyrics.
Any band that sings about testicles OR periods needs to be killed. And not softly.
After reading all of those lyrics, why again do you hate U2? At least they have interesting lyrics ... ;-)
(whispering now) we have all those same ska CDs too or we used to anyway.
And ... I did read all the titles, or most of them. I didn't skip to the end. But I did breeze along some.
U2? Interesting lyrics? Okay.
The word is "okay, if you really want it." Actually that's six words.
Consider it done though. In less than six months you can have it. Unless you really want it and don't want to wait until I go to Chicago.
Your are Nice. And so is your site! Maybe you need some more pictures. Will return in the near future.
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