List Tuesday: Peri-haptic Haploid Edition

Words I Would Like To Someday Use In Context Correctly

1. Absquatulate *
2. brimborion*
3. claviger*
4. dipnoous*
5. enchorial
6. facinorous*
7. gledge*
8. holmgang*
9. irremeable*
10. jactancy*
11. kilderkin*
12. littoral
13. muricate*
14. nidorous*
15. ochlesis*
16. palilogy*
17. quadrennial
18. recumbentibus*
19. sardanapalian*
20. tripsis*
21. urgrund*
22. vigesimation*
23. wittol**
24. xertz*
25. yare
26. zocle*

*Not an actual word cccording to The Word (MS)
**I do not want to this to be used in context of me

List Tuesday: Carbonaceous

Names My Daughter Will Probably Not Have Even Though They Are Sophisticatedly Literaryish

1. Rose of Sharon


2. Goneril


3. Billy Pilgrim


4. Remedios


5. Gomer


6. Janet


7. Margaret Thatcher


8. Daisy (or Jordan)


9. Callisto (this one is literary and astronomerary!)


10. Beowulf


11. Molly


12. Ekwefi


13. The Oldest Living Confederate Widow


14. Bartleby


15. Lady Macbeth


16. Margaret Thatcher Part II

Lies All Mixed Up With Omissions

So it's not Tuesday. Sue me already.

Things People Searched For That Lead Them Here (Well, Not Here Exactly, But Rather to Somewhere in The atonofbricks.blogspot.com File Library) And The Exact Page to Which The Search Results Directed The Intrepid Searchers

1. PEOPLE KILLED IN A BIG HOUSE NOW IS HAUNTED MEXICO MONCLOVA


2. Zach 3years Genius


3. Manthong Photos


4. Mama Cass died of Ham Sandwich


5. Trombone Hemorrhoid


6. What stores carry honey i shrunk the kids on dvd


7. "Historical Global Temperatures"


8. Jiffy Pop popcorn Meijers


9. Peter Bulanow Budweiser


10. Short reviews of diary by chuck palahniuk


11. zipconnect itower

List Tuesday: You Always Like it Undercover

Sloganish Phrases On Various Products Scattered About My Work Trailer

1. Kills 99.99% of Germs!


2. Coffee's Perfect Mate!


3. New Look, Same Great Taste!


4. With CLENZAIRE: Unique Odor Eliminator!


5. Outperforms Ordinary Paper!!


6. Easy to Insert!


7. Enhanced with Minerals for Taste!


8. The Intelligent System for Carefree Printing!

List Tuesday: Prosthetic Foreheads on Their Heads

Motion Pictures That I Watched in the Last Week Reviewed and Rated on A Scale of 1 to Pants.

1. What the (Bleep) Do We Know: See Here.
   Rating: -Pants


2. Dune: As solipsistic, blowhardian and inelegant as the book but way worse. It does have the bonus that its star, Kyle Maclachlan is from my hometown or something. Also, he was in Showgirls, a marginally more bad movie.
   Rating: e-1.


3. Bonnie and Clyde: This one was really good. I’d seen it before, but it’s still fun to watch. It stars Warren Beatty (aka Dick Tracy) and Faye Dunaway as the titular characters. (Also named after the characters? A muffler shop in my hometown. The shop’s logo is a gun.) The best thing about this film is its schizophrenic jumps in mood from slapstick car chases set to “Foggy Mountain Breakdown” to the “heroes” contemplating the murder they just committed. Or, like at the end, when it’s all lovey-dovey and then they die in a “hail of gunfire*” (spoiler alert: Bonnie and Clyde die). Historically, this movie is notable for the introduction of squibs and realistic violence into modern cinema. Before this movie, all the violence was obviously non-realistic because LOOK! PAUSE IT! Now rewind. That guy is so totally still breathing! There are also two Genes in this movie, Gene Hackman and Gene Wilder (in his debut performance), so it has that going for it.
   Rating: Assless Chaps.


4. Chinatown: Depressing as a…..something or other that’s real depressing. Maybe like a raccoon caught in a bear trap and it’s still alive and struggling to reach the rifle that the hunter just dropped because he got mauled by a bear and now the bear is trying to maul the raccoon before he gets the rifle and you know that the raccoon is doomed but keeps on reaching for that gun. Sorta like that. I think the main point of it is that the harder you try to prevent something horrible from happening the more likely it is to happen. Especially if you end up in Chinatown because we all know what goes on there. Also, it has realistic violence (and incest)! Thank you Bonnie and Clyde director Sam Peckinpah! It stars Jack Nicholson and, huh, that’s weird, Faye Dunaway. It won Oscars for Art Direction, Car Direction, Water, and Bandages.
   Rating: More Fedoras then you can shake a stick at.


5. Network: The best movie ever made about a fourth-place network news broadcast and its descent into banality and journaltainment. Actually, I’m not kidding. This one is a recent addition to my top 10 movies ever list (again, I’d seen it before but that was when I didn’t understand that the entire universe was utterly meaningless and doomed and there’s no point to anything, so I didn’t get it as much.) Basically it’s all about how everyone has their price and it all doesn’t matter anyway because somebody else is controlling everything so they can make some more money. It’s also probably the funniest movie ever written by a guy named Paddy. And it was spoofed in UHF, so you just KNOW it has to be good. It stars William Holden and, WTF??? Faye Dunaway again??? I must look like some kind of Faye Dunaway obsessed uh….person. Great. Except, wait a minute, now I’ve got a good excuse when the FBI/NSA/CIA/DIA or whoever looks at my library records (oh don’t worry, they’re looking at yours too) and see that I checked out a movie that glorifies bank robbing and death I can just say, “well look at the other movies I checked out! They all have a young Faye Dunaway, so obviously I’m just in love with her. Thirty years ago!” Except Network also features a group of domestic terrorists, I forgot to mention that part. Crap. What have I gotten myself into?
   Rating: I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!


6. Duck Soup: Uh, I only watched about 15 minutes of it. Sorry
   Rating: A Painted-on moustache.


7. The Bicycle Thief: Just in case you don’t get it, in case you don’t quite grip the fact that everything falls apart and the center never holds and life sucks most of the time, you should watch this movie. It builds and builds (in a post-war Italian neo-realist way of course) up until the end when the main character humiliates himself in the eyes of his young son. The end. It’s arguably De Sica’s best film. It is currently in an argument on this topic with the next movie in this list.
   Rating: Threadbare, third-hand linen trousers


8. Umberto D.: This is arguably De Sica’s best film. Unlike the previous one, there is at least a small glimpse of hope at the end. Sure the eponymous character is broke, debased, homeless and alone at least he didn’t go through with the suicide because of his cute dog. (Spoiler Alert!!! He doesn’t go through with his suicide attempt at the end because of his cute dog!) Of course you’re left to imagine what happens after the film ends. Sooner or later, Mr. Ferrari is going to get malaria or something and die homeless in some back alley in Rome and his cute dog will probably have to eat his dead body for sustenance. So it f’n goes.
   
   But really, I like the movie. The cinematography is great and it’s primarily performed by non-professional actors. When it looks so good, who cares if it’s all about the banality of evil. Or not even evil, just the banality and hopelessness and inevitability of life?
   Rating: 10,000 Lire



9. The French Connection: Probably the best drug-running espionage detective movies I watched that day. There’s this one part where Gene Hackman is driving a commandeered car through the streets of New York (?) chasing an elevated train that pretty much is one of the top three movie car chases ever. It also has realistic violence! On the whole, I would watch it again if I didn’t have to return it to the library.
   Rating: Plaid suit pants with a .45 strapped to your ankle.



10. Red Dawn: WOLVERINES!!!!!
    Rating: Patrick Swayze 50 - Communist Pigs 1



11. Tokyo Monogatori (Tokyo Story): Quite possibly the 4th best movie ever made (behind Citizen Kane, M, and Howard the Duck). Basically, nothing happens in the whole movie. You really have to listen for what’s NOT said (don’t you want to slap me now? I always want to slap people after they spout some BS like that). The camera angles and views are phenomenally telling. It’s like you’re a voyeur sitting on a grass mat in almost every shot, just watchinfg things unfold. It’s an even better movie to watch if you’ve had a lot of dealing with Japanese people. Trust me. What is it about, you ask? Just Google it or something, they know more than I do. Essentially it all boils down to this…
    

    Kyoko: Isn’t life disappointing?
    Noriko: [smiling] Yes, it is.

    
    
    Rating: 6 beers and an old pair of fishing shorts.

*All reviews of Bonnie and Clyde are required to use the phrases “hail of gunfire” or “hail of bullets.”

There are 17 links in this post.

List Tuesday: I Just Stood There Whistling

Reasons Why I Didn't Write A List Today

1. Myu fiungfersa are frpozrebn toghethert

List Tuesday: Why is the World in Love Again?

Things I Would Like to Do and Even Imagine Myself Doing But Probably Will Not Do On My Last Day Of Work In DC Tomorrow

1. Moo like a cow as we all move like cows off the train and onto the escalator to our untimely demise


2. Meet the Press


3. Sing songs from the Rocky Horror soundtrack out loud on the train


4. Dress like Dr. Frank N. Furter on the train*


5. Spend all day reading the whole internet


6. Hire a barbershop quartet to sing a goodbye song to my office


7. Talk to Charles one more time


8. Do some serious shreddin'


9. Eat some pie


10. Not miss anybody here in DC


11. Write a Goodbye, You Stupid City post on Why.I.Hate.DC (you there Rusty?)

*After telling this joke I always like to clarify that I'm only kidding. I believe tomorrow will result in the average amount of desire to dress up in fishnet stockings etc. If you were to do a "dressing up in fishnet stockings etc desire test" tomorrow, my name would be right in the middle.

List Tuesday: I'm Your Charity Case

Potential Purposes Behind Nefarious Chemtrails

1. "To implement the New World Order (NWO) by eliminating society s "useless eaters" and the infirm and/or to reduce the population to a support level for the 'elite'". [source]


2. To block out the sun with the aim of reducing global warming. [source]
   


3. Weather control/cloud control


4. Top Secret Next Generation quantum computing communication encryption technology [source] UPDATE: LINK REMOVED BY DARPA


5. Radar Visualization Project


6. An addictive chemical that makes you crave for it nightly [source]


7. Mind control causing many to purchase vast amounts of gifts and other commercial goods to bestow upon family and friends around December 25th. [source]

If you would like more details on any of these possibilities, please contact me using your personal 128 bit PGP encryption key on my website here. .mil readers will be forbidden, man.

List Tuesday: Lose These Streets and Crowds

Christmas Songs I Can't Listen To

This will be a short list. I love Christmas music, but there are a few songs that I can't listen to. I don't hate them because, hey, they're still Christmas songs!

1. Santa Baby - Madonna: The Eartha Kitt version takes Madonna's version out behind the shed, ties it to a pole and punches it once in the kidneys.


2. The GD Barking Dogs - Jingle Bells: Actually, this one applies to any novelty songs in which samples of animal sounds at different pitches are strung together to make a melody.


3. Silent Night - Chewbacca(?): Actually, this one applies to any novelty songs in which fictional creatures sing the melody. Stupid 101.4 FM.


4. Up On the Roof Top - Any Version: There is a line that says "First comes the stocking of little Will." But no it doesn't. It doesn't, and that is shit.

List Tuesday: I Can Hear All the Cries of the City

Stupid Dictionary.com Words of the Day from the Last 25 Days That I Didn't Already Know

1. Subaltern - Ranked or ranged below; subordinate; inferior. This will be put to good use immediately


2. debouch - To emerge; to issue. No no no, you are thinking of debAUch you sick weirdo.


3. Argus-eyed - Extremely observant; watchful; sharp-sighted. I'm pretty sure that this isn't even a real word.


4. None. Seriously, out of 25 words, I already knew all but three of them. Come on dictionary.com, you are supposed to be really helping me bone up my vocabulary. Risible? Sartorial? Proclivity? Exacerbate? Mollify? Yeah, maybe a few people don't know those words already. IN PRISON!!

List Tuesday: All of the People Were Charmed and Surprised

The 28 Awesomest Products from the 1220 Different Things Found in the SkyMall Catalog

1. The Klipsch iGroove ($249.99): You can totally plug your iPod into it!


2. The Party Zone Pack ($99.99): Ha ha ha! "Watch out for falling guests?" That is funny! I almost had milk coming out of my nose!


3. The Bose SoundDock ($299.95): You can totally plug your iPod into this one, too!
   


4. "Antique" Popcorn Maker on a Cart ($249.99): It's like bringing the carnival into your house every day. Only without the carnies since they aren't included. Neither are batteries. It probably doesn't use batteries.


5. Tri-Fold Wireless Mirror ($99.99): You can totally plug your iPod into this! IN THE SHOWER!!


6. Men's Reversible Shirt ($49.00): I can't tell you how many times I've thought to my self after spilling marinara sauce on my shirt, "Damn! I wish this thing was reversible!" Actually I can. It was never.


7. Griffin Road Trip ($79.95): You can totally plug your iPod into YOUR CAR!!1!!11!


8. Kettle Popcorn Maker ($99.99): Five words for you - Table. Top. Pop. Corn. Thing.


9. Zipconnect Stereo - Beetle ($89.95): You can totally plug your iPod into this miniature VW Beetle with WORKING HEADLIGHTS AND TAILIGHTS!!!!


10. Beetle Stereo Speakers ($129.95): You can totally plug your iPod into this OTHER miniature VW Beetle with WORKING HEADLIGHTS AND TAILIGHTS AND IT IS YELLOW!!!!


11. Scrolling License Plate Frames ($59.95): Lets you customize your license plate FRAME! Pretty much only for Virginians.


12. Sound Soother Alarm Radio ($129.95): You can totally plug your iPod into your ALARM CLOCK. Who cares if it doesn't have working headlights and tailights?


13. Countertop Popcorn Popper ($999.95): Seven words for you - Even. Better. Table. Top. Pop. Corn. Maker. The thing is 10 times more better than the other one!!!


14. iPod Nano Speakers System ($59.99): You can totally plug your iPod NANO into it!!!


15. Footed Pajamas ($59.99): Because every Kiss should begin with "pajamas."


16. MP3 Alarm Clock/Radio ($29.95): You can totally plug your iPod into this and it can't be exported!! Suck on that Canada!


17. Fungal Nail Relief ($36.00): What else is there to say?


18. Bedside Phone Center w Dock ($179.95): You can totally plug your iPod into it and it is an alarm clock AND A TELEPHONE!!!! Thank you Sharper Image!


19. Porcelain Origami Crane ($16.95): I tried making one of these once. Porcelain doesn't fold for shit. HOW DO THEY DO THIS??? AMAZING!!!


20. ITOWER Speaker System w Dock ($199.95): You can totally plug your iPod into it and it is TALLER THAN MOST THREE-YEAR-OLDS!!!!


21. Popcorn Popper With Cart ($1,595.00): Hands down, the cream of the crop of the fake, antiquey household popcorn makers. Hands. Down.


22. QUATTRO 4CD STEREO W Dock ($499.95): Is it an Audi? NOPE! But you can totally plug your iPod into it and it is TALLER THAN 3 AVERAGE 3-YEAR-OLDS STANDING ONE NEXT TO THE OTHER!!!!


23. ADVANTAGE MAX CAMO ROBES ($59.99): More like, ADVANTAGE ME as I hide in plain sight in this robe. I will disappear. Sweet.


24. Mini Travel Speakers ($39.85): You can totally plug your iPod into it IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM! Also, now save 10 cents on this product!!!


25. Firefly Survival Poncho ($89.95): I can see it now....A fire starts at your home, so you rush to your closet to find your survival poncho, it takes a while to see it in the dark, especially buried under all those clothes but hey, now you're safe. Next you run into your kids' room. The flames are really jumping now. You yell at the kids to run out of the house with you only they see you in your survival poncho and have the bejesus scared out of them because you look like a dementor so they hide under the bed and refuse to come out. You all burn to death. Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all.


26. POLK AUDIO I-Sonic ($599.99): You can totally plug your iPod into it! PATENTED POWERPORT TECHNOLOGY!!!


27. PowerSquid ($79.95): Actually, this one is pretty cool. Overpriced, but still.


28. iCarta Stereo Dock ($99.99): You can totally plug your iPod into it WHILE DROPPING THE KIDS OFF AT THE POOL!! That joke never gets old or stupid! Does it? Does it?

Hey, guess what! As an added bonus for sticking around all the way to the end (or scrolling down) you get another list! Best list ever! It should be sold in the SkyMall catalog it is so awesome.





THE WORD

1. Bird

List Tuesday: Old Industrial Skyline

Things That Demoralize Me

1. Death of A Salesman


2. Diet A&W Root Beer


3. Flocking like a herd of cattle off the Metro


4. Too-small pants


5. Sinning


6. Flame-retardant logs


7. Not living on the West Coast


8. When someone says "turn that frown upside down!"


9. When someone doesn't say "guess what? Chicken butt! Fried in grease, want a piece? Maybe a turkey?" or something similar


10. Cold underwear and socks with holes in them


11. BMW drivers


12. Firecrackers going off right beside my ear


13. Getting kicked out of a bar for starting a cake fight


14. Not having any more pie


15. Peak Oil


16. Peak shirts


17. Peak coffee


18. No coffee


19. Frozen tundra


20. Not going to Arctic Circle for lunch


21. This one guy I met


22. Selfishness


23. When you wake up and look at the clock without your glasses on and you think it says 3:20 and you think "yes! I can sleep for another 3 hours!" but then, 10 minutes later, the alarm goes off and you realize that it actually said 6:20, not 3:20

List Tuesday: I Worked Here Last Year, Remember?

A Bunch of Complete Non Sequiturs Presented As a Coherent List

1. Hey, guess what? Thursday is my birthday!


2. I will be (3.456E10*(3^3*(1825/SQRT(25))+7)*(SQRT(3600)))/((8^(1/3))*3
   *SQRT(5^2-3^2)) microseconds old.


3. While you were figuring out that equation, I was at your house stealing all your fruit roll-ups.


4. Avogadro's number of s'mores would weigh more than the known universe.


5. When I was in Miami last week, I ate some stone crab claws. Here are some little known facts about stone crabs: they taste better than Maryland crabs. You only eat the claws because that's all that is harvested, one claw at a time. It's a true renewable resource.


6. P.S. Miami is stupid


7. What is the resonant frequency of paper?


8. If I was ever to direct a movie (I mean, other than The Big Deuce-kee), I would totally hire Janusz Kaminski to be the cinematographer.


9. I know everything about film.


10. I've seen over 240 of them.


11. Yesterday, I ate some Indian food.


12. The name for this month, November, has roots in the ancient greek. Nov means "time" and embere is the root meaning "to use the word 'cornucopia' for no good reason at all."


13. Yes, you can blame Dave Barry for that


14. 34 years ago today, Gene Rodenberry probably did something.


15. Remember Tiananmen Square? That was pretty cool.


16. The state of Arizona has more gravel than any other state.


17. Whenever I see a monkey, I can't help but think s/he would be better off in a costume of some kind


18. There is a good chance that the world is naught but a lamppost of danger amidst the cacophony of time.


19. Someday, I want to write a memoir: I Was a Mediocre, Unread Blogger: The Story of A Life Lived Very Far From the Edge.


20. No one will buy it.


21. Don't forget to do that thing!


22. "Guest" rhymes with "best." I don't know what to make of that.


23. What if everything that rhymed was true?


24. Well, it's not.


25. Yeah, but what if!


26. Let's do a contest!

LIST TUESDAY! DETROIT ROCK CITY!!!

So, for certain reasons, I visited the lovely city of Detroit yesterday (City Motto: Now only the SECOND most dangerous city in the country!). Basically, the only time I listen to the radio is when I go to Detroit and rent a car and forget to bring any CDs or remember to bring CDs but the car is only equipped with a tape player. Seriously. This is what happened yesterday. It's like they built a time machine to bring a car from 1997 to the present just to rent it out and annoy me. Stupid Ford. Anyway, I was listening to 89X, "Detroit/Windsor's only New Rock Alternative!" By the way, Windsor is in Canada. I think maybe Detroit is too. I'm not sure. But that is beside the point. What is so close to the point that it can actually be proven to be the point through simple mathematical analysis is this: a list of songs I heard on the radio.

SONGS I HEARD ON 89X DETROIT'S ONLY NEW ROCK ALTERNATIVE

1. Some song by My Chemical Romance: It starts out with some almost springsteenian lyrics about going to see a marching band with your dad with a nice, insistent drum cadence and builds up to an almost epic sound. All in the first 30 seconds. Then it devolves into your basic emo, pop-goth crap completely indistinguishable from approximately 50% of the songs I heard yesterday. Well, not completely indistinguishable. There was this one part with some awesome squealing guitars that sound almost like Poison or something.


2. Candlebox - Does it really matter what song? Well, okay it was their one hit from I think 1993. Confession time: This is almost of Postsecret caliber - I once voluntarily attended a Candlebox concert in the Yakima SunDome. Wow, it feels good to have that off my chest.


3. Another song by My Chemical Romance. Or maybe Ashes of Soma. Or maybe the Used. Or maybe Chevelle. I know I heard songs by all of those guys because the DJ told me so. I just can't tell the difference. Really, I can't. I must be getting old.


4. That one Green Day song that rips off the rhythm and chord progression from Chicago's "25 or 6 to 4." Another song from 1994! I felt like I was back in middle school playing hackey sack! By the way, compared to the the pop-punk/goth/whatevs stuff this song is not bad. It's almost dirgey and not at all emo. If you don't know what "emo" means, it means whining about how sucky life is and how some girl betrayed you and maybe you should go cut her, or maybe yourself. Green Day on the other hand, whom I don't really like but appear to have real potential to be a three decade band, got big by writing about being bored and stoned and lazy without being all depressive like those grunge %*#$ers. That's a much better reflection of the zeitgeist of the younger generations because it will last. Being a whiny self-obsessed, mopey teenager only lasts a few years. Being lazy lasts forever.


5. Some song about a ghost. Maybe by Sleater-Kinney. It was actually really good. If you know what I'm talking about, please tell me what it is.


6. Nickelback. Hey, they're Canadian too! That qualifies as a rock "alternative," right?


7. Another song by My Chemical Romance


8. Audioslave? Oh yeah! The one's with the Soundgarden guy! Man, remember Soundgarden? They were all "black hole sun, don't you come" and then that chick's face was melting off! Sweet!"


9. The Toadies song about asking someone if they want to die or something. It still kicks butt. Just like 7Mary3. Chugging, slow guitar riffs are to a Nokia-brand cell phone what industrial staplers are to orange elm leaves. Yeah.


10. Three Days Grace? Is that a band?


11. Snow Patrol. Or should I call them......SLOW Patrol? HA HA HA HA HA! Because of their slow tempos? Get it? Get it? Thank you, I'll be here all week!


12. Another song by My Chemical Romance


13. An ad for a concert by My Chemical Romance

Oh yeah, I also read a book yesterday in airports and airplanes: One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. I think this was the fourth time I have read it. It's only 139 pages long. But it is really good. It has now officially entered my top five books ever. The list now looks like this....

A TON OF BRICKS'S TOP FIVE BOOKS EVER

1. Catch-22


2. One Hundred Years of Solitude


3. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich


4. Lonesome Dove


5. Any book by Thomas Pynchon, none of which I have read, but if someone asks, will claim to have read and really really like.

List Tuesday: It's All Over

Two Signs that the Apocalypse is Nigh (Or Metaphorical Apocalyptic Drama if You Don't Believe that Revelations is a Literal Description of What Will Happen In the END TIMES, You Stupid Heathen)

1. Weird Al is cool again (I say "again" with some hesitation as I'm not sure if he has ever been cool with the general public before, and by general public I mean "anyone other than 12-year-old boys")



2. So liquids are now allowed through security at the airport, at least in small quantities. Of all the types of liquids you can have, four were specifically mentioned as "allowed" in this morning's Metro Express. One of the four was "personal lubricant."

List Tuesday is Back?

That's right all none of you! List Tuesday is back with a vengeance. Well, not so much a vengeance as a mild disapprobation of the current situation.



The Absolute Worst Order of Songs from OK Computer and How Did my iPod End Up With This Travesty of a Playlist?

1. Airbag - Yes! That's so totally right!


2. Electioneering - What? I, who, uh, what?


3. Who cares, it's already all screwed up. What kind of idiot would put the songs in this order? It just doesn't make any sense. I quit.


4. Paradise City

List Tuesday

Things You Might Not Know About This Blog

1. It is on indefinite hiatus

List Tuesday: Why God Why Edition

Things That Make Me Die a Little Inside When I Hear Them At Work

1. Head On!


2. Apply directly to the forehead!


3. Head On!


4. Apply directly to the forehead!


5. Head On!


6. Apply directly to the forehead!


7. Freedom from hemorrhoids?


8. FREEdHEM hemorrhoid cream!


9. Freedom from hemorrhoids?


10. FREEdHEM hemorrhoid cream!


11. Freedom from hemorrhoids?


12. FREEdHEM hemorrhoid cream!

List Tuesday: I am Not Hungry Anymore

Here is a fun time. This is a fun time. Don't we all like a fun time?



The Top Five Combinations of Things You Can Buy From the McDonald's Dollar Menu for Five Dollars or Fewer.

5. 1 McChicken, 1 Double Cheeseburger, 1 small fry.

4. 1 Sundae, 1 McChicken.

3. 2 McChickens, 3 Small Frys.

2. 1 Ice cream cone.

1. 10 pies.



Things About Which You Do Not Care

1. There are seven pieces of scotch tape stuck to my desk right now.


2. Christus Victor is a theory of.......ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


3. One time, my friend drank 3 liters of pop and then puked all over my bathroom.


4. A puss catepillar is poisonous.


5. The largest elephant on record was shot in Angola in 1974 and weighed as much as 3 billion ants.


6. Today is the MLB All-Star Game


7. With an apple a day, after three days you could juggle the apples.


8. You get bonus points if you can eat the apples while juggling them


9. This is harder than it looks


10. If you were just a couple inches taller, maybe you could dunk.


11. To an ant, a stack of a million dollar bills is larger than the universe.


12. e^(pi*i)+1 = 0


13. Now there are nine pieces of scotch tape on my desk


14. The transition from laminar to turbulent flow occurs around a Reynold's number or 2300


15. I used to read Star Wars novels.


16. Whenever a door shuts, a window opens.


17. The above is not true.


18. Nor is it clever


19. Of all the people in the world, why me?


20. Why. Me.


21. Did I tell you about that time I saw a truck's wheel fall off on the freeway?


22. No?


23. It was cool to the max.


24. It has been 800 years since Genghis Khan rose to power in Mongolia.


25. 32 oz. pops from AM/PM used to be called "Thirsty-twos." Maybe they still are


26. Every second, more than 10 cars catch fire due to global warming.

Listependance Tuesday

This will be phenomenal. Really. You are phenomenal.


Things My Son Said To Me Today When He Wanted To Draw on Our White Board

1. I want to color!


2. I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT. Please?


3. I WAAAAAAAAAAANT IT!


4. I want to color, daddy!


5. AAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAA


6. It's my turn, daddy!

Bills I Paid Today

1. Mortgage


2. Condominium Fee


3. Cell Phone


4. Paxton


5. Mr.

On Last Night's Baseball Game (See more tomorrow)

1. Teams Playing: Washington Nationals and Florida Marlins


2. Cost of tickets: $7 each


3. Cost of tickets with service charges and fees: $12.50 each


4. Seat Section: 532


5. Reason for attending: Deadspin field trip


6. Number of Deadspin readers and/or writers talked to: 0


7. Number of home runs hit by Soriano: 2?


8. Number of complete at-bats I watched: <5


9. Walks taken with aforementioned son: 2


10. Innings pitched: 5


11. Should you take the metro to the game: No


12. Opinion on naked babies: Neutral to negative


13. Best thing on concession menu: Cheese Cup ($1.00)


14. Beers that count as "Premium": Corona, Heineken.


15. Attendance: 100<, <1,000,000


16. Winner of the President Race: Lincoln, oh yeah!