Just This Thing

The Top 14 Albums of 2008 (That I happened to download, purchase or otherwise hear)

1. Dr. Dog – Fate
   In many respects, this album was a watershed moment for bands with the word “Dog” in their names. Not since Three Dog Night were in their heyday has a “Dog” banded sounded…well, so much like Three Dog Night. Not that that is a bad thing.
   
   Rating: A Sheepdog with a Brandy Barrel around its neck so you can make some eggnog when it comes to rescue from a vile mountainside retreat in the Andes.
   
   
2. Vampire Weekend – Vampire Weekend
   It sounds like these white-shoe yupsters got kicked in the face by Paul Simon and then accidentally the whole African musical colonialism. Not that that is a bad thing. Any band that calls Bottleneck a “shitshow” is alright in my book. I hate those Bottleneck bastards.
   
   Rating: A werewolf weekday
   
   
3. Okkervil River – The Stand Ins
   Even better than their 2007 masterpiece The Stage Names. Not that that is a bad thing. Probably my favorite of any of the albums in this list.
   
   Rating: Some outsider art by an artist who arguably kidnapped a kid
   
   
4. Coldplay – Viva La Vida
   SMASH HIT 2008!! NUMBER 1 SUMMER JAM!!! Under investigation by the FBI for allegedly stealing tunes from The Creaky Boards and/or J. Satriani. Not that that is a bad thing.
   
   Rating: Dude, I just listen for the articles. I mean the production values. I don’t actually LIKE it, you know.
   
   
5. Of Montreal – Skeletal Lamping
   I haven’t quite listened to the whole thing, but I can tell you without a doubt that it is the best concept album about a large, black, post-op transsexual in history. Also, Emusic? Yeah, about that claim that Of Montreal is similar to Neutral Milk Hotel? I think it only holds true if “similar” means that the guys in the bands know each other and they both have a word that starts with “M” in their band names.
   
   Rating: 185 bones out of a full skeleton
   
   
6. The Secret Machines – The Secret Machines
   It’s got a kick-drum that won’t quit. Also there’s a pretty good, albeit short, total freakout on track 6.
   
   Rating: A machine that’s not exactly secret, just not well understood by most people, like an internal compression ignition combustion engine or something.
   
   
7. Frightened Rabbit – The Midnight Organ Fight
   a. Pretty standard indie rock fare. I like when a song from this album comes up on random for whatever that’s worth.
   
   Rating: A+, if you like Scottish accents, Gefilte fish+ if you don’t.
   
   
8. Port O’Brien – All We Could Do Was Sing
   I’ll be perfectly honest here: it’s really not that good. The first song and Pigeonhold are the best songs, so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.
   
   Rating: Two nautical themed songs too many.
   
   
9. The Rural Alberta Advantage – Hometowns
   Eh, it’s not bad. It’s nothing to write home to Alberta about, but I’ll still listen to it. However, the song Luciana totally needs to be remastered so that it’s listenable. Also, the Distillers song called Drain the Blood is better than TRAA’s song of the same name.
   
   Rating: Saskatchewan and Nova Scotia PUT TOGETHER!
   
   
10. Shearwater – Rook
    Slow, relatively dull with way too much vibrato in the vocals. What else can I say, you know? Hm....the occasional glockenspiel is both soothing and soporific, if you’re into that sort of thing.
    
    Rating: > pawn, < bishop
    
    
11. Bon Iver – For Emma, Forever Ago
    I don’t know if the story behind the recording of this record makes it better or worse than it actually is (something about a Wisconsin cabin in the middle of winter and ice fishing). Regardless of the story, it’s a pretty good album, but if you get a chance to see him (I think his name is Justin something) live, it’s totally way better. Also, Bon Jovi fans: DO NOT get your hopes up. Even though the names are similar, the music is not.
    
    Rating: A Bucket of ice-fish tacos.
    
    
12. Fleet Foxes – Fleet Foxes
    I’m just listening to it right now, but I can tell from the cover and from the stuff other people have written about it that I’ll like it. I’m pretty predictable. I DO like the first five tracks at least.
    
    Rating: 8 out of 10 canine species.
    
    
13. She & Him – Volume 1
    I got it in the mail yesterday. I’ll let you know.
    
    Rating: ALBUM OF THE YEAR ACCORDING TO PASTE MAGAZINE!!!!!!
    
    
14. My Morning Jacket - Evil Urges
    Don't worry about the album name, it doesn't sound nearly that evil. What it does sound is AWESOME. I appreciate good musicianship. Especially when good musicians rock so hard and are not boring. This doesn't happen often.
    
    Rating: Evel Knievel Urges
    

Full Disclosure: There are exactly zero (0) albums released in 2008 that I own that do not also appear on the list above.


POST-POST BONUS ALBUM: CHINESE F'N DEMOCRACY - G 'N' F'N R!!!


UPDATE: I would like to deny all rumors that I voted in the NPR listeners' poll for best albums of the year. It just LOOKS like I did. Hell, I don't even listen to NPR.

Bad Photoetry Thursday: I've Seen Everything Imaginable

The Original!

Warcene Creed courtesy of Get Your War On!

Always Hungry For Something

Well, here we are.
Here we are where we soon shall not be.
We are now officially in our last week living and working in DC. A week from right now (assuming I'm not just waking up from a wicked, last-day-of-work-in-a-soul-crushing-office-building hangover) we'll be somewhere on the road between here and the great city of Detroit. And by "great city" I mean "abandoned hellhole," but whatever.

So I guess I thought I would take the last few days here to recollect a little about the good and the bad of living here in DC.

Today's Sappy Post!

The Good: Obviously, the best thing ever about our time here in the Nation's Crapital (get it? I changed the word to make the meaning something different! LOL) is that I met so many wonderful people that populate my link field over there ---->
I will fucking miss the shit out them. And I'm angry about that. But it's a good anger, right?


The Bad: Actually, this just happened yesterday. I found out that over the weekend my friend Charles (the homeless(?) Street Sense vendor) was jumped, beaten up, and robbed by a gang of five "young'uns." Now he doesn't have money for rent and may have to move into a shelter again. He told me that it's a good thing he doesn't have a gun because now he'd be serving life in prison. What a world.

Where'd You Get That Point of View

So, as usual I found some stupid thing in the tubes today (thanks reddit) that is claiming to be the first image ever published on the world Wide WEB!!! Supposedly Tim Berners-Lee uploaded it back at CERN or something. Anyway, here it is.



However, I happen to know for a fact that this is NOT the first image to ever appear on the web. In truth, the first image to appear on the web is one of the oldest images in the history of mankind. It has crossed cultural and millennial borders, it has reached even the most remote of societies. In fact, some sociologists believe that this image is actually a part of what makes us human, part of our very identity. The first record of this image is found in cave paintings from the neo-paleolithic era, as seen below.


Even in this very early form, the image was always accompanied with a warning against masturbation. The characters below this version can be roughly translated as "Whenever thou [indecipherable, assumed to refer to autoeroticism] SunGod kills a kitten."

We also find records of this image nearly 5000 years later in frescoes produced at the height of the Roman Empire, as shown below. However, at this hedonistic point in history, the warning was reversed and read (in Latin) "Eneverwhay ooyay ontday asturbatemay, Aturnsay illskay a ittenkay."


After the fall of the Roman Empire and the rise of Christian Nation-state in the 5th century CE, all art was religious in nature and paintings of non-God related material were essentially forbidden. The warning remained and in this examplar piece of medieval art read "Everye Time Thoue Masturbateste, God Killse His Son."


Eventually, as the Enlightenment gained ground, art became more focussed on the natural as opposed to the supernatural, giving God's creation the primary spot as opposed to God himself. The impressionist era was, in many respects, the culmination of this naturalistic style of painting as it boiled art down to the essential substance in the universe: light. Monet (Painter of Light TM) finally brought this iconic image back to life. It is unclear whether or not he was aware of its prevalence throughout history. Most art historians agree that he was not and consider it one of the great masterpieces of humanist-impressionism. This was the first (and only time in the historical record) that the image was not accompanied by any warnings, in fact, rumors abound that Monet painted it primarily with his own semen, so.....


And finally, as all good things must, this picture showed up on the internet. And, like all things on the internet (including this very post) it is almost irredeemably stupid. In fact, the existence of this monumentally moronic proto-image, this meta-idea in the human conscience is used by many to justify a hard nihilism. Many Christian groups believe that God put this image into our DNA to test us and that the fossil record shows this image to be no more than 65 years old at the most. Carbon dating is unreliable.

Bad Poetry Thursday: I'd Probably Break Down and Cry

So, somebody at Wells Fargo Bank in San Francisco found AToB by googling a poem using the words pants spoons and powerade. Now, unfortunately I've never written a poem using those three words so his search was in vain. Today's poem will fix that egregious error. From henceforth, the internet will contain a poem using the words pants, spoons, and powerade.



All Things to All People
Inspired by a true story

A door hangs open
in a musty room full of fear.
Pants lie strewn across the floor
like giant, deflated inflatable flailing-arm waving guy balloons.
And in the center of this melange
amidst the rubble and the spite
a group of three spoons stands erect
surveying their kingdom of trash,
their domain of some crazy garbage.

What the hell is going on?
says Spoon 1 to spoons 2 and 3.
What happened to our joy? Our life? Our land?

Spoon 3 points his fingers at spoon 2 and says
It was he, my dear, that ruined it all.
He that poisoned our hearts and drank up
all our Powerade. We have no Powerade any more.
Our wells have run dry. Our blue gold is gone.
Peak Powerade has come,
and now has gone.

And now spoon 2 must protest
Wait, s/he says
We haven't used it all.
Here, under the pants, and trash and fire and hate
we can find some more.
We can mine some more.
We can try some more.
Here is the hope for our future,
the hope for our illustrious race of spoons.

I Think About You

I just don't know what to think any more. I thought I had seen the world's best and worst commercials. I thought I was immune to the efforts of the Global Marketing Elite. I am not. I saw this advert two days ago and the song is still reverberating around my head. Make it stop. Except you can't make it stop. I'm pretty sure it's a secret government plot to beam these sorts of things into our head with high frequency radio waves that can make us hallucinate. That way we are under control when the inevitable Malthusian collapse comes along right about...........NOW!



Flea Market!

Montgomery!

It's just like,

It's just like,

A mini.............MALL!

Of course, I would be remiss not to mention that one of the leading conspirators in the Global Marketing Elite is, without a doubt, the Vatican William H. Gates III, Jr. of Microsoft infamy. It's Windows 386, beotch! (Yes, this is real)


*there are 6 links in this post

List Tuesday: I'm Your Charity Case

Potential Purposes Behind Nefarious Chemtrails

1. "To implement the New World Order (NWO) by eliminating society s "useless eaters" and the infirm and/or to reduce the population to a support level for the 'elite'". [source]


2. To block out the sun with the aim of reducing global warming. [source]
   


3. Weather control/cloud control


4. Top Secret Next Generation quantum computing communication encryption technology [source] UPDATE: LINK REMOVED BY DARPA


5. Radar Visualization Project


6. An addictive chemical that makes you crave for it nightly [source]


7. Mind control causing many to purchase vast amounts of gifts and other commercial goods to bestow upon family and friends around December 25th. [source]

If you would like more details on any of these possibilities, please contact me using your personal 128 bit PGP encryption key on my website here. .mil readers will be forbidden, man.

Random Picture Friday: 'Cause Worryin's a Waste of My Time

Pictures with no commentary.


Wait, just a little commentary. That guy on the left in picture one is a huge dude. I think his hair only makes it worse.

Sometimes It's Harder to Leave

So, I haven't been writing much around here lately. That's because I'm working on other things having to do with this blog, like making new logos, see?



That's way more fun anyway. But I'm not done yet either. I'm categorizing all my posts and such so there may not be much new in the next week or so. I'm just saying.

Also, if you subscribe to my RSS feed (I know there's at least 1 (or 25%) of you that do), well, HA HA HA HA HA!

Loaded Like A Freight Train

Welcome to the (not)ALL-NEW A Ton of Bricks!

The content is the same, but the look is slightly different!

You know us:

form before function.
style before substance.
looks before learning.
trends before tradition.

Bad Photoetry Thursday: I Miss the Firefight

Click pictures for source

We Take it Day By Day

There comes a time in every man's life in which he must needs pick a conspiracy theory to espouse. That time is now. That man is me. But I don't know what conspiracy theory to believe in. Also, the options aren't looking good.

1. 9/11 Conspiracies: I'm on record as thinking these are a load of internet crap. Literally. I don't believe that they are created by any individual but instead by the internet itself as it continuously devours and digests all that information. 9/11 conspiracies are the sold waste product of that process (aka: poop). MySpace is the liquid waste product.



2. Zionist Global Domination: Historically, the grandaddy of them all, plus believing in it would put me in the same raft as Kareem-Abdul Admindenihajabidad or whatever that Iranian guy is called. He is a world-class conspiratist. Still, it doesn't scream "21st century!!!one!!" loudly enough. More like "16th century."



3. Peak Oil Apocalypticism: Oooh, this one is very appealing. Imminent (but not too close) destruction of our way of life, oil company bashing, middle east involvement, the Bushes, nuclear war, this one really has it all. But I've got no faith in it. There are too many people with too much money riding on this to have it come true. THEY won't let it happen.



4. AIDS was created in a Lab to control the black population. By the CIA: Patently absurd. Which makes it a perfect conspiracy actually. Nah, too weird for my tastes. And too loaded with racial stuff. I'm on record as not believing in the existence of races.



5. The Moon Landing Never Happened, Man: If there hadn't been a movie (starring The Juice, by the way) made about something really similar, this would be it. But there was. So it's not.



6. The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy: You know, how all all airplane manufacturers make the right wing slightly heavier than the left which in turn actually affects the rotation of the earth so that more sunlight hours are given to solar power stations run by Halliburton.



7. Chemtrails: Yep. This is it. I will become a dyed-in-the-wool chemtrail apologist. What's not to like?
   
   
   • Chemicals of unknown origin and purpose? CHECK
   
   
   • Potential mind control by powers unknown? CHECK
   
   
   • Involvement by the Japanese mafia, also known as the Yakuza? PROBABLY
   
   
   • Wikipedia entry to which I can point unbelievers (to have them thoroughly convinced that I am definitively wrong? DOUBLE CHECK.
   
   
   • And last, but certainly not least, websites devoted to LETTING THE MASSES SEE FOR THEMSELVES with unsubstantiated rumors/claims and only slightly modified pictures? CHECK MATE!
   
   

Also, please note that I am done delaying the obvious (thanks Rusty) in that my next twelve (inclusive of this one) post titles will be quotations from GnR's fantastic Appetite for Destruction album

List Tuesday: Thursday Edition

All-time Best Song Parts (Not Neccessarily the Whole Song, Just Part of It That Is Really Good. The Rest of the Song Might Suck)

1. That one part in Whole Lotta Love off Led Zeppelin II right after the sorta spacey part with all the moaning and cymbals when the guitar comes in and it's all "Dunh Dunh. Bwowh-dee-deedley-deedley-dee. Dunh Dunh. Bwoh-dee-deedley-deedley-diggadum. Dunh Dunh. Doo-dee-doo-doo-dee-doo..." Man, I love that part.



2. That one part in What is and What Should Never Be from Led Zeppelin II when the guitar part is alternating between the left channel and the right channel and it's all "dunh-uh(R) dunh-uh(L) Dunh-uh(R) dunh-uh(L) dunh-uhn-dun(R). You know the part. It rules.



3. That one part from Bring it on Home off Led Zeppelin II (at this point I am thinking about making the list Best Song Parts From Led Zeppelin II) when the harmonica and bass intro transitions to the main riff part and it's all "dun-neener-eenah, bwow-digga-digga-dum, doodle-doodle-doo bwow-digga-duh.."



4. That part from Baba O'Riley about 41 seconds in where the big bashing piano chords start. Gives me goosebumps every time.



5. The whole intro part to Paradise City by G 'n' F'n R. It lasts for more than one minute is totally badical. Especially when the guitar comes in and it's all Baaaaaaa-bigga-baaaaaah chika-baaaaaaah chika-baaaaaaah chika baaaaaaah. And then Slash comes in on the lead guitar and I won't spell out that part, but is bodacious.



6. Basically all of You Shook Me All Night Long off Back in Black but we'll call the intro the best part. And the guitar solo. Any self-respecting guitarist had darn well better know at least the intro riff and preferably the whole thing. The greatest high school dance rock song of all time.



7. The Clarence saxophone solo right about two minutes into Born to Run by Springsteen and E St. Band. Best. Sax. Solo. Ever. Not that that says a whole lot, but still.



8. THe last minute or so of First Wave Intact by the Secret Machines. It's so loud and cacaphonous that it blows you away. Plus, the final snare beat that ends the song sounds like a gunshot, which is cool.



9. The very end of Wake Up by Arcade Fire when whatever-the-hell-his-name-is screams "You better look out below!" I also like the string action going on there.



10. The part from Sabotage by the Beastie Boys when they're all "listen all y'all it's a sabotage, listen all y'all it's a sabotage...." getting louder and louder and shit. Also, how many of you saw this one coming? Everyone? Well, what did I expect. As a white boy who likes rock, I think I'm required to say something along the lines of "nah, I don't really like rap. Except for the Beastie Boys and Tribe Called Quest. And Jurassic 5." I'm pretty sure it's a Federal law.



11. The guitar solo at the end of Sultans of Swing by the Dire Straits. I won't even try to sound it out, it's too fast.



12. I would say the opening chords to Smells Like Teen Spirit, but that's way to obvious. How about the part from Nirvana's Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle when the lyrics are "She'll come back as fire, and burn all the liars, leave a blanket of ash on the ground." That is some good stuff. In Utero is another totally sweet record.



13. The second part of Paranoid Android off of OK Computer. It starts at about 2:20 and is so radical that it makes my eyes hurt and my hair catch on fire. Actually this just happened once.


I think that this is about enough for right now. Wait, I just thought of one more!



14. The very end of every single U2 song. You know, the part where it stops playing and you don't have to listen to it anymore. I love that part.

Stick it to 'Em

I'm not the biggest fan of those euro-style bumper stickers. You know, the ones that have some inscrutable abbreviation in black block letters against a white oval background?

Actually, I'll come right out and say it: I think they are stupid. No one cares that you once went to the outer banks and all you have to show for it is this sticker.

These people probably have one on their Audi

I'm not, however, predisposed against ALL these stickers. If someone were to print one like this, I would by it in an instant. Welcome to the jungle, tailgaters.

Random Thoughts from a Tired Mind

People always laugh when someone orders a Big Mac meal with a Diet Coke. "What's the point?" they think. Well, by getting Diet instead of Regular Coke you can reduce your overall caloric intake at the meal by more than 20%.

Parking in the District is so much easier if you don't have any qualms about stopping wherever you want and turning on your hazard lights.

Why is it that almost every employer in the country provides free coffee? How did this start, and did the coffee cartel have anything to do with it?

When coffee is available for free, why do so many people insist on buying a Starbucks (or similar) coffee every day? At $4 a day, it can be a pretty expensive habit.

I think ending a sentence with any more than six exclamation points is overkill. Wow, really!!!!!!! See? Too many.

Yesterday at church I got to do the announcements (and a few other things). This is a post my father has held at his church for as long as I can remember. I guess it must just be in my blood. Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind turning out like my dad. He's a pretty good guy. I think I'm going to avoid the bushy beard he had when he was my age though.

Nothing makes my day as much as when my son wakes up looking for me to give me a kiss.

I think mixing up old proverbial sayings is fun. Watch. Never beat a gift horse in the mouth. A bird in the hand is worth a pound of cure. A stitch in time spoils the broth. See how much fun that is? Okay, now you try.

Even if I became the most famous blogger in the whole wide world, I would still never write a book related to it because, come on, that's just stupid.

The new Harry Potter book was simultaneously unputdownable and disappointing.

It's practically impossible to go to Chipotle and not eat way too much. And no matter how many times you go there, eat too much, feel ill afterwards and swear never to go back, you'll do the same thing again.

When I was younger I used to play hackey-sack with my friends after school. What was I thinking? That game is so dumb!

No matter what anyone else says, I still think So I Married an Axe Murderer should be considered one of the top three comedies of all time. The other two are Some Like it Hot and The Jerk.

The worst comedy ever is definitely Master of Disguise, which is too bad because Dana Carvey had so much potential.

I think the best way to answer the phone is by saying "ahoy!" but I always chicken out and just say "hello."

Pirates were so two years ago. If I hear somebody over the age of 15 say "Aaargh, matey," I think I might not be able to stop myself from punching them.

Appetite for Destruction is a really, really good album.

I really love my wife.