Sheesh, I almost broke rule number 1 just now. That probably would have caused some sort of hilarious rift in the universe and I would have been transported to a parallel universe where everyone never breaks rule #1 except me.
That would rule.
Showing posts with label Not Best At All. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Not Best At All. Show all posts
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
Sixteen Tons, and What Do You Get?
So, I was reading this book the other day. It was pretty good.
Then, after I finished reading the book, I listened to a new CD. It was pretty good, too. Then I listened to it again and it was a little better.
After that, I went to work. It was pretty good.
After I got home from work, I went to some store or another. I was pretty good. Not as good as NOT going to the store, but better than eating a shit sandwich.
Then I started finishing another book. It was pretty good in a different way from the other book that I finished.
Then I went to work again.
Then, after I finished reading the book, I listened to a new CD. It was pretty good, too. Then I listened to it again and it was a little better.
After that, I went to work. It was pretty good.
After I got home from work, I went to some store or another. I was pretty good. Not as good as NOT going to the store, but better than eating a shit sandwich.
Then I started finishing another book. It was pretty good in a different way from the other book that I finished.
Then I went to work again.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
You Are Not My Typewriter
Okay, here's a question for you. Why had I never listened to The Long Winters before? I mean, sheesh, somebody could have told me that I would like them. They are totally right up my insufferable white person, blogging, thinks-he's-too-cool-for-most-things alley! You can even tell all this just by looking at the cover of the album that I stole out of my sister-in-law's former basement bedroom last week. She obviously doesn't need it any more if she didn't take it to San Francisco for college. Probably because, in SF, you're required to act like you're not one of those insufferable people, that you're actually better than them, while actually being one. I can't wait to move there. I would fit right in.
Also, since I've got nothing better to do, here's another list of books that I've read in the last couple weeks.
Also, since I've got nothing better to do, here's another list of books that I've read in the last couple weeks.
- The Road by Cormac McCarthy - Probably one of the most bleak books I've ever read. I think it might be allegorical or something. Even if it's not, it's still a very interesting book. It's one of those post-apocalyptic books that's not really a story about the post-apocalypse era. Nothing is ever explained other than that the Man and Boy have to keep walking and walking because everything has been destroyed. Also it rains a lot. Also, cannibalism.
- The Devil's Larder by Jim Crace - You wouldn't think that a book of 64 short (some very, very short, as in 2 words short) stories all about food could be very interesting, but it is. To be fair, the stories aren't really about food, per se, but it does play heavily in all the stories. Also, pathos, love, irony, sex, death, poop, poison, comedy and drugs.
- Brave New World by Aldous Huxley - Huh, turns out I'm probably a Beta, possibly a Beta-plus. If you haven't read the book, that means that I'm born to be a consumer who doesn't like to fix anything and would rather buy it new and who also dislikes the actual country but loves country sports. That way, I buy lots of sporting equipment to use in the country and thus consume more. Spending is better than mending. Also, it's a very funny book. Also herds of midgets and vomiting.
- 1984 by Erich Blair aka George Orwell - You want a picture of the future? Picture a boot stomping on a human face forever. F'n Big Brother, man. He sucks. Also, I love Big Brother.
- Welcome to the Monkey House by Kurt Vonnegut - Nothing to say, really, but that this is a collection of short stories. Some are good (The Euphio Question), some are really good (Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow), and some are not so good (I don't remember what they were called). Also, the Handicapper General shoots people with shotguns.
- The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
- The Population Bomb by Paul Erlich
- A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn
- Raising Cain by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson
- Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson
- The Final Solution by Michael Chabon
- The Unconsoled by Kazuo Ishiguro
- Narcissus and Goldmund by Herman Hesse
- The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana by Umberto Eco
- Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
One more thing, to save you time next time I write a list of books that I've read recently you can check the list below of books in my quick trick book stack to see if you're at all interested. Just so you know.
The Quick Trick Book Stack (to be read in no particular order)
Any more suggestions? Once winter starts next month, there is literally nothing to do but read.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
More Coffee For Me Boss, Cuz I'm Not As Messed Up As I Want to Be
Thank you for all joining me here today. I know that I am usually only active clandestinely and that my audience with His Majesty has now fallen on hard times, but I have a very important topic with which to discuss with you at some point in time should you ever read this missive: Truth.
Many people are under the impression that Truth is a universal absolute, that there is one true way that events happen that can be firmly documented and agreed upon by those willing to embrace it. By embracing this vision of Truth, one has the advantage that one gets to feel smugly superior and/or (usually and) pontificatory about it. Making Truth an absolute, unarguable standard means that one must also go to absolute, unarguable lengths to defend it. Some have even gone as far as to argue (often on the internet) over it, which is odd if they believe the Truth to be unarguable. Those extreme lengths are horrifying in their breadth and depth.
Other people, on the other hand, believe that truth is nothing more than a story that someone tells to make themselves feel better about the absolute disaster that this universe unarguably is. This belief would imply that any given person's truth is just as true as Ignatius Riley's truth is true. For some this is hard to accept.
However, a deeper investigation of "Truth" reveals that both camps are not only a little bit wrong, but a lot of bit wrong.
You see, Truth is an anagram for thurt. Wait. No, that's not what I meant. What is important is that "Truth" is an anagram of "Ruth T." This is an unarguably obvious reference to Ruth T. McGrorey, former professor in and Dean of the State University of New York at Buffalo's School of Nursing. Some of McGrorey's most notable work was while working as a Consultant in Nursing for the Paraguay Project (University Archives collection 19/1/708). This project was initiated by the US State Department Project to provide the National University at Asuncion with UB's health sciences expertise. A three-year contract was signed between the Health Servicio of Paraguay and UB in 1956 and renewed continuously until 1971. The contract set up an exchange whereby Paraguayan doctors were sent to study at UB and two Buffalo faculty members, in addition to short-term consultants were sent Paraguay. While in Paraguay McGrorey helped to develop a Nursing School at Asuncion. McGrorey also implemented many changes nationally, helping to bring Paraguayan nursing and medical standards on par with North American standards. In 1962, Asuncion honored McGrorey with the Distinguished Visiting Professor title and in 1969 an honorary doctorate.
So the truth of the matter, or should I say that the Ruth T. of the matter is that everything we think of as truth, whether you are of the arguably unarguable school of truthspeak the unarguably unarticulated vague school of thinking, is actually just a reflection of the efforts of one mid-twentieth century nurse who went to Paraguay and probably started several underground socialist movements that are still in existence today known as the Paraguayan Socialist Nursing Liberation Faction of the International Sisterhood of Paraguayan Nurses. They have been known, from time to time, to carry out shadowy terrorist actions at the behest of the overlord of the underworld, Eudora Welty.
Many people are under the impression that Truth is a universal absolute, that there is one true way that events happen that can be firmly documented and agreed upon by those willing to embrace it. By embracing this vision of Truth, one has the advantage that one gets to feel smugly superior and/or (usually and) pontificatory about it. Making Truth an absolute, unarguable standard means that one must also go to absolute, unarguable lengths to defend it. Some have even gone as far as to argue (often on the internet) over it, which is odd if they believe the Truth to be unarguable. Those extreme lengths are horrifying in their breadth and depth.
Other people, on the other hand, believe that truth is nothing more than a story that someone tells to make themselves feel better about the absolute disaster that this universe unarguably is. This belief would imply that any given person's truth is just as true as Ignatius Riley's truth is true. For some this is hard to accept.
However, a deeper investigation of "Truth" reveals that both camps are not only a little bit wrong, but a lot of bit wrong.
You see, Truth is an anagram for thurt. Wait. No, that's not what I meant. What is important is that "Truth" is an anagram of "Ruth T." This is an unarguably obvious reference to Ruth T. McGrorey, former professor in and Dean of the State University of New York at Buffalo's School of Nursing. Some of McGrorey's most notable work was while working as a Consultant in Nursing for the Paraguay Project (University Archives collection 19/1/708). This project was initiated by the US State Department Project to provide the National University at Asuncion with UB's health sciences expertise. A three-year contract was signed between the Health Servicio of Paraguay and UB in 1956 and renewed continuously until 1971. The contract set up an exchange whereby Paraguayan doctors were sent to study at UB and two Buffalo faculty members, in addition to short-term consultants were sent Paraguay. While in Paraguay McGrorey helped to develop a Nursing School at Asuncion. McGrorey also implemented many changes nationally, helping to bring Paraguayan nursing and medical standards on par with North American standards. In 1962, Asuncion honored McGrorey with the Distinguished Visiting Professor title and in 1969 an honorary doctorate.
So the truth of the matter, or should I say that the Ruth T. of the matter is that everything we think of as truth, whether you are of the arguably unarguable school of truthspeak the unarguably unarticulated vague school of thinking, is actually just a reflection of the efforts of one mid-twentieth century nurse who went to Paraguay and probably started several underground socialist movements that are still in existence today known as the Paraguayan Socialist Nursing Liberation Faction of the International Sisterhood of Paraguayan Nurses. They have been known, from time to time, to carry out shadowy terrorist actions at the behest of the overlord of the underworld, Eudora Welty.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Where'd You Get That Point of View
So, as usual I found some stupid thing in the tubes today (thanks reddit) that is claiming to be the first image ever published on the world Wide WEB!!! Supposedly Tim Berners-Lee uploaded it back at CERN or something. Anyway, here it is.
However, I happen to know for a fact that this is NOT the first image to ever appear on the web. In truth, the first image to appear on the web is one of the oldest images in the history of mankind. It has crossed cultural and millennial borders, it has reached even the most remote of societies. In fact, some sociologists believe that this image is actually a part of what makes us human, part of our very identity. The first record of this image is found in cave paintings from the neo-paleolithic era, as seen below.
Even in this very early form, the image was always accompanied with a warning against masturbation. The characters below this version can be roughly translated as "Whenever thou [indecipherable, assumed to refer to autoeroticism] SunGod kills a kitten."
We also find records of this image nearly 5000 years later in frescoes produced at the height of the Roman Empire, as shown below. However, at this hedonistic point in history, the warning was reversed and read (in Latin) "Eneverwhay ooyay ontday asturbatemay, Aturnsay illskay a ittenkay."
After the fall of the Roman Empire and the rise of Christian Nation-state in the 5th century CE, all art was religious in nature and paintings of non-God related material were essentially forbidden. The warning remained and in this examplar piece of medieval art read "Everye Time Thoue Masturbateste, God Killse His Son."
Eventually, as the Enlightenment gained ground, art became more focussed on the natural as opposed to the supernatural, giving God's creation the primary spot as opposed to God himself. The impressionist era was, in many respects, the culmination of this naturalistic style of painting as it boiled art down to the essential substance in the universe: light. Monet (Painter of Light TM) finally brought this iconic image back to life. It is unclear whether or not he was aware of its prevalence throughout history. Most art historians agree that he was not and consider it one of the great masterpieces of humanist-impressionism. This was the first (and only time in the historical record) that the image was not accompanied by any warnings, in fact, rumors abound that Monet painted it primarily with his own semen, so.....
And finally, as all good things must, this picture showed up on the internet. And, like all things on the internet (including this very post) it is almost irredeemably stupid. In fact, the existence of this monumentally moronic proto-image, this meta-idea in the human conscience is used by many to justify a hard nihilism. Many Christian groups believe that God put this image into our DNA to test us and that the fossil record shows this image to be no more than 65 years old at the most. Carbon dating is unreliable.
However, I happen to know for a fact that this is NOT the first image to ever appear on the web. In truth, the first image to appear on the web is one of the oldest images in the history of mankind. It has crossed cultural and millennial borders, it has reached even the most remote of societies. In fact, some sociologists believe that this image is actually a part of what makes us human, part of our very identity. The first record of this image is found in cave paintings from the neo-paleolithic era, as seen below.
Even in this very early form, the image was always accompanied with a warning against masturbation. The characters below this version can be roughly translated as "Whenever thou [indecipherable, assumed to refer to autoeroticism] SunGod kills a kitten."
We also find records of this image nearly 5000 years later in frescoes produced at the height of the Roman Empire, as shown below. However, at this hedonistic point in history, the warning was reversed and read (in Latin) "Eneverwhay ooyay ontday asturbatemay, Aturnsay illskay a ittenkay."
After the fall of the Roman Empire and the rise of Christian Nation-state in the 5th century CE, all art was religious in nature and paintings of non-God related material were essentially forbidden. The warning remained and in this examplar piece of medieval art read "Everye Time Thoue Masturbateste, God Killse His Son."
Eventually, as the Enlightenment gained ground, art became more focussed on the natural as opposed to the supernatural, giving God's creation the primary spot as opposed to God himself. The impressionist era was, in many respects, the culmination of this naturalistic style of painting as it boiled art down to the essential substance in the universe: light. Monet (Painter of Light TM) finally brought this iconic image back to life. It is unclear whether or not he was aware of its prevalence throughout history. Most art historians agree that he was not and consider it one of the great masterpieces of humanist-impressionism. This was the first (and only time in the historical record) that the image was not accompanied by any warnings, in fact, rumors abound that Monet painted it primarily with his own semen, so.....
And finally, as all good things must, this picture showed up on the internet. And, like all things on the internet (including this very post) it is almost irredeemably stupid. In fact, the existence of this monumentally moronic proto-image, this meta-idea in the human conscience is used by many to justify a hard nihilism. Many Christian groups believe that God put this image into our DNA to test us and that the fossil record shows this image to be no more than 65 years old at the most. Carbon dating is unreliable.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
List Tuesday is Back?
That's right all none of you! List Tuesday is back with a vengeance. Well, not so much a vengeance as a mild disapprobation of the current situation.
The Absolute Worst Order of Songs from OK Computer and How Did my iPod End Up With This Travesty of a Playlist?
- Airbag - Yes! That's so totally right!
- Electioneering - What? I, who, uh, what?
- Who cares, it's already all screwed up. What kind of idiot would put the songs in this order? It just doesn't make any sense. I quit.
- Paradise City
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
A Ton of Retrospective
Today, I want to take a little time (or a lot, I’m not sure yet) to reflect on the long and illustrious history of this beacon of internet integrity: A Ton of Bricks, the Blog.
It all started back in June. I was bored, and typing things at work makes me sound busy. I’ve got this big old keyboard that makes loud clackety-clack noises when I type, so everyone thinks, “oh, wow, he must be very busy, he is typing so much.” So I thought to myself, “hey, why don’t you write some crazy garbage and then,” and this is the clincher “put it on the internet so everybody can see it?” And then I answered myself, I said, “Self, that might be stupid, but let’s do it anyway!” And thus was born A Ton Of Bricks. Actually, thus was supposed to be born Anthropomorph (a way cooler name, don’t you think?) but that was already taken so I had to think of something else. And what sucks even more is that the Anthropomorph blog really sucks. I mean it hasn't been updated in like, ten months!
Within 4 days, my readership grew by over 500%. I mean, it went from me to me, my wife and three (of four!) friends. One of my friends, Mike, already had his own blog so I could even put a link on my blog to his. It was sweet. It was even sweeter when he put a link on his blog to mine. And from there, things just blew up! My wife started one, and so did everybody else! Literally. I think the ratio of blogs to people in the world is now approximately 15:1. But a lot of those blogs are just trying to sell me stuff like Viagara and real estate and those weird protein shake things. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, things blowing up. Once, I saw a video of a chemical plant blowing up.
Anyway, before we get to my greatest hits and moments from the past four months (you knew that was coming, didn’t you?) let’s do some scientific analysis of my blog’s history. If you are reading this and thinking “he has too much time on his hands,” you are wrong. My watch died three days ago, so I have no time on my hands and it is driving me crazy. Back to the topic at hand (why am I talking about hands so much???), the blog. The following chart shows both the trend in cumulative words written and the weekly rolling average of words per day, that is, the average number of words written per day for the last week.
As you can see, prior to this post, I have written almost 40,000 words. Okay, a lot of those words come from poems I didn’t write, but I still had to take the time to copy and paste them. The bottom line is that that is a lot of words. And they are all completely useless. I could have used those 40,000 words to write the first 75 pages of a novel or something. Instead, I just polluted the internet with worthless tripe. Unless you’re a publishing agent and you like what you see, then give me a book deal! I will turn you down flat, but then I can tell people at parties that I was offered a book deal by a big company but I turned them down because I am not a sell-out. Unless the money is big enough. Then I’ll be a sell out. Also, please notice that there are no long term trends in the rolling average of words per day. I guess that means I’m pretty consistent. Although there is a trend that I never write anything on the weekends. That’s because I’m not at work. My overall average words per day is 364.7. On days that I make a post, the median is 444 words. The following chart shows how that is broken up among the days of the week.
I guess it should come as no surprise that I apparently get more and more bored as the week goes on, that’s why Friday has the most words. And I know that I just claimed not to write on the weekends, but those average numbers for Saturday and Sunday are just vestigial results from my first few weeks when I had so much to say that I just had to write on weekends.
Finally, to give you a good idea of how the words are distributed in terms of words per day, the following chart shows the frequency distribution of words per day over a range of values.
You can see that this distribution is definitely not normal. It is very highly skewed to the left, and would probably be best modeled as a Poisson distribution, since it is indeed discrete. A Poisson distribution is defined as a discrete probability distribution that expresses the probability of a number of events occurring in a fixed time if these events occur with a known average rate, and are independent of the time since the last event. If you don’t believe me, check this out smarty-pants. I’d estimate the lambda for this distribution, but I don’t really feel like it.
So, after hitting you over the head with some pointless and inconclusive statistical analysis, let’s get to what we all came for in the first place. Remineshen….Reminescences….Reminiscences. There, that’s got it right!
So, follow me as we step back in time and relive some of A Ton of Bricks greatest moments.
This beauty is from July…. “And I was like, "weird, man." Could it just be a coincidence that, within ten minutes, we had seen both the original song and the spoof version ON THE VERY SAME TV???? No way. I figure that the universe was about to "do me in" or something, but at the last minute, totally wussed out because it had grown accustomed to my face. Lucky for me I've got such a lovable face.” That was such an awesome post!
And do you remember this one from July 15th? “And to think that this post started off in my head as a social commentary on why yuppies and hipsters are so stupid. Maybe next time I guess.” I don’t even care what the rest of the post was about, yuppies and hipsters ARE stupid! Ha ha ha!
I still stand by this quotation! “Even if I became the most famous blogger in the whole wide world, I would still never write a book related to it because, come on, that's just stupid.”
And who can forget my first List Tuesday post? You know, the one that included this nugget of wisdom? “The black squirrels that can be seen in various places in the district, especially in the northwest, are not indigenous to the area. Although they are the same species as the common grey squirrel, the black variety were originally brought down from Canada around the turn of the 20th century. Much like the all-too-common Labatt's Blue.”
Let’s not forget this one! “So I take the exit, turn right towards where I can see the truck sitting at a stop sign waiting for me. The following conversation ensues.
Me: Is something the matter?
Him: Can I interest you in a blowjob?
Me:..............Ummmmmmmm..................What??????
Him: Can I interest you in a blowjob?
Me: No! (while simultaneously flooring it)”
And then, remember when I introduced Random Picture Friday? That was so cool. “I stumbled across this little beauty: Livejournal pictures (I'd put the link directly to the post, but I don't know how. It's about 2/3 of the way down the April archive). This post contains the link to a great little page that shows you the last 40 pictures uploaded on Livejournal by anyone, anywhere. It is......fun, to say the least. Here ya go. Enjoy. Please note that some people post some really weird (alright, sick) stuff to their Livejournals, so watch out.”
And I know I still don’t like the misuse of irony! “Rain on your wedding day.
Not ironic, it just sucks.
10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Not ironic. What would be ironic is if you had 10,000 knives yesterday, but you needed a spoon.
A free ride, when you already paid.
How could it be a free ride if you paid? Not only is this not ironic, it doesn't even make sense!
A death row pardon, two minutes too late.
Okay, that is ironic.”
And now, for my penultimate hit, that one time when I wrote about that one thing, remember? “Anyway, in reading this biography I have been formulating a horribly hackneyed and clichéd theory that dying or killing yourself will make you more famouser than other people. The following are a few unresearched and undocumented and sketchy case studies to "prove" my point.” Yeah, that was great.
And now, for the my greatest hit, I know you all remember this one….. “It is very highly skewed to the left, and would probably be best modeled as a Poisson distribution, since it is indeed discrete. A Poisson distribution is defined as a discrete probability distribution that expresses the probability of a number of events occurring in a fixed time if these events occur with a known average rate, and are independent of the time since the last event. If you don’t believe me, check this out smarty-pants. I’d estimate the lambda for this distribution, but I don’t really feel like it.” That one is so good I almost peed my pants.
Actually, there's probably some more good ones, I just got tired of looking. If you have any favorites that didn't show up on this list, let me know so I can read them and then do a total retread of them and pretend it's a new post!
Well, peace out, y’all.
There are 10 links in this post.
It all started back in June. I was bored, and typing things at work makes me sound busy. I’ve got this big old keyboard that makes loud clackety-clack noises when I type, so everyone thinks, “oh, wow, he must be very busy, he is typing so much.” So I thought to myself, “hey, why don’t you write some crazy garbage and then,” and this is the clincher “put it on the internet so everybody can see it?” And then I answered myself, I said, “Self, that might be stupid, but let’s do it anyway!” And thus was born A Ton Of Bricks. Actually, thus was supposed to be born Anthropomorph (a way cooler name, don’t you think?) but that was already taken so I had to think of something else. And what sucks even more is that the Anthropomorph blog really sucks. I mean it hasn't been updated in like, ten months!
Within 4 days, my readership grew by over 500%. I mean, it went from me to me, my wife and three (of four!) friends. One of my friends, Mike, already had his own blog so I could even put a link on my blog to his. It was sweet. It was even sweeter when he put a link on his blog to mine. And from there, things just blew up! My wife started one, and so did everybody else! Literally. I think the ratio of blogs to people in the world is now approximately 15:1. But a lot of those blogs are just trying to sell me stuff like Viagara and real estate and those weird protein shake things. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, things blowing up. Once, I saw a video of a chemical plant blowing up.
Anyway, before we get to my greatest hits and moments from the past four months (you knew that was coming, didn’t you?) let’s do some scientific analysis of my blog’s history. If you are reading this and thinking “he has too much time on his hands,” you are wrong. My watch died three days ago, so I have no time on my hands and it is driving me crazy. Back to the topic at hand (why am I talking about hands so much???), the blog. The following chart shows both the trend in cumulative words written and the weekly rolling average of words per day, that is, the average number of words written per day for the last week.
As you can see, prior to this post, I have written almost 40,000 words. Okay, a lot of those words come from poems I didn’t write, but I still had to take the time to copy and paste them. The bottom line is that that is a lot of words. And they are all completely useless. I could have used those 40,000 words to write the first 75 pages of a novel or something. Instead, I just polluted the internet with worthless tripe. Unless you’re a publishing agent and you like what you see, then give me a book deal! I will turn you down flat, but then I can tell people at parties that I was offered a book deal by a big company but I turned them down because I am not a sell-out. Unless the money is big enough. Then I’ll be a sell out. Also, please notice that there are no long term trends in the rolling average of words per day. I guess that means I’m pretty consistent. Although there is a trend that I never write anything on the weekends. That’s because I’m not at work. My overall average words per day is 364.7. On days that I make a post, the median is 444 words. The following chart shows how that is broken up among the days of the week.
I guess it should come as no surprise that I apparently get more and more bored as the week goes on, that’s why Friday has the most words. And I know that I just claimed not to write on the weekends, but those average numbers for Saturday and Sunday are just vestigial results from my first few weeks when I had so much to say that I just had to write on weekends.
Finally, to give you a good idea of how the words are distributed in terms of words per day, the following chart shows the frequency distribution of words per day over a range of values.
You can see that this distribution is definitely not normal. It is very highly skewed to the left, and would probably be best modeled as a Poisson distribution, since it is indeed discrete. A Poisson distribution is defined as a discrete probability distribution that expresses the probability of a number of events occurring in a fixed time if these events occur with a known average rate, and are independent of the time since the last event. If you don’t believe me, check this out smarty-pants. I’d estimate the lambda for this distribution, but I don’t really feel like it.
So, after hitting you over the head with some pointless and inconclusive statistical analysis, let’s get to what we all came for in the first place. Remineshen….Reminescences….Reminiscences. There, that’s got it right!
So, follow me as we step back in time and relive some of A Ton of Bricks greatest moments.
This beauty is from July…. “And I was like, "weird, man." Could it just be a coincidence that, within ten minutes, we had seen both the original song and the spoof version ON THE VERY SAME TV???? No way. I figure that the universe was about to "do me in" or something, but at the last minute, totally wussed out because it had grown accustomed to my face. Lucky for me I've got such a lovable face.” That was such an awesome post!
And do you remember this one from July 15th? “And to think that this post started off in my head as a social commentary on why yuppies and hipsters are so stupid. Maybe next time I guess.” I don’t even care what the rest of the post was about, yuppies and hipsters ARE stupid! Ha ha ha!
I still stand by this quotation! “Even if I became the most famous blogger in the whole wide world, I would still never write a book related to it because, come on, that's just stupid.”
And who can forget my first List Tuesday post? You know, the one that included this nugget of wisdom? “The black squirrels that can be seen in various places in the district, especially in the northwest, are not indigenous to the area. Although they are the same species as the common grey squirrel, the black variety were originally brought down from Canada around the turn of the 20th century. Much like the all-too-common Labatt's Blue.”
Let’s not forget this one! “So I take the exit, turn right towards where I can see the truck sitting at a stop sign waiting for me. The following conversation ensues.
Me: Is something the matter?
Him: Can I interest you in a blowjob?
Me:..............Ummmmmmmm..................What??????
Him: Can I interest you in a blowjob?
Me: No! (while simultaneously flooring it)”
And then, remember when I introduced Random Picture Friday? That was so cool. “I stumbled across this little beauty: Livejournal pictures (I'd put the link directly to the post, but I don't know how. It's about 2/3 of the way down the April archive). This post contains the link to a great little page that shows you the last 40 pictures uploaded on Livejournal by anyone, anywhere. It is......fun, to say the least. Here ya go. Enjoy. Please note that some people post some really weird (alright, sick) stuff to their Livejournals, so watch out.”
And I know I still don’t like the misuse of irony! “Rain on your wedding day.
Not ironic, it just sucks.
10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Not ironic. What would be ironic is if you had 10,000 knives yesterday, but you needed a spoon.
A free ride, when you already paid.
How could it be a free ride if you paid? Not only is this not ironic, it doesn't even make sense!
A death row pardon, two minutes too late.
Okay, that is ironic.”
And now, for my penultimate hit, that one time when I wrote about that one thing, remember? “Anyway, in reading this biography I have been formulating a horribly hackneyed and clichéd theory that dying or killing yourself will make you more famouser than other people. The following are a few unresearched and undocumented and sketchy case studies to "prove" my point.” Yeah, that was great.
And now, for the my greatest hit, I know you all remember this one….. “It is very highly skewed to the left, and would probably be best modeled as a Poisson distribution, since it is indeed discrete. A Poisson distribution is defined as a discrete probability distribution that expresses the probability of a number of events occurring in a fixed time if these events occur with a known average rate, and are independent of the time since the last event. If you don’t believe me, check this out smarty-pants. I’d estimate the lambda for this distribution, but I don’t really feel like it.” That one is so good I almost peed my pants.
Actually, there's probably some more good ones, I just got tired of looking. If you have any favorites that didn't show up on this list, let me know so I can read them and then do a total retread of them and pretend it's a new post!
Well, peace out, y’all.
There are 10 links in this post.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Baseball, Steroids, Anger
So I was all poised to write a long post about the retardedness that is our national outrage over steroids in baseball and then this jerk goes and does it first (and much better, by the way). Dang you, guy-that-writes-for-an-actual-website-and-not-just-on-his-own-pretentious-"blog."
But there's still one point that he didn't cover that I would like to discuss.
Listen closely now, all y'alls.
BASEBALL IS A GAME!
That's right. It's not high-level politics. It's not life and death. It's entertainment. Are you going to tell me that you didn't glue yourself to the TV every time McGuire or Sosa were at bat in '98? (This only applies to baseball fans, and if you aren't a baseball fan, I don't care what you have to say anyway. So there.) Are you going to tell me that you would have rather had game 7 of the 2003 ALCS end at 6-4 after a boring final two innings and not see Aaron Boone jack one out to win the game? I even hate the Yankees and I still prefer to see them win in dramatic fashion (I mean, I hate the Red Sox, too, so why do I care who wins?)
The bottom line is that you pay money to be entertained at the game, and steroid-enhanced players are more fun to watch. Are some of them idiots? Abso-bloomin-lutely. So are some of us. Are some of them total *******? (edited for content since this is a family site) Of course, but we don't have to deal with them on a personal level, so who cares? Let them play the game however it needs to be played to entertain us. That's what matters.
And to those of you who claim that ballplayers were better and more upstanding than the current crop, you don't know what you're talking about. Ty Cobb? Racist jerk. Mickey Mantle? Drunken idiot who could have been the best EVER but instead never lived up to his potential (and you think watching juiced up players play is a rip off!) Most players before (heck, even for awhile after) Jackie Robinson made his debut? Racist, and thankful they didn't have to compete with the Negro Leaguers. So get off you high-horse and have a $7.50 beer and just enjoy the show.
P.S. Palmeiro used steroids, I don't care. Palmeiro lied about using steroids to Congress while under oath. What a tool. I say send him to jail (for the lying, not the steroids).
But there's still one point that he didn't cover that I would like to discuss.
Listen closely now, all y'alls.
BASEBALL IS A GAME!
That's right. It's not high-level politics. It's not life and death. It's entertainment. Are you going to tell me that you didn't glue yourself to the TV every time McGuire or Sosa were at bat in '98? (This only applies to baseball fans, and if you aren't a baseball fan, I don't care what you have to say anyway. So there.) Are you going to tell me that you would have rather had game 7 of the 2003 ALCS end at 6-4 after a boring final two innings and not see Aaron Boone jack one out to win the game? I even hate the Yankees and I still prefer to see them win in dramatic fashion (I mean, I hate the Red Sox, too, so why do I care who wins?)
The bottom line is that you pay money to be entertained at the game, and steroid-enhanced players are more fun to watch. Are some of them idiots? Abso-bloomin-lutely. So are some of us. Are some of them total *******? (edited for content since this is a family site) Of course, but we don't have to deal with them on a personal level, so who cares? Let them play the game however it needs to be played to entertain us. That's what matters.
And to those of you who claim that ballplayers were better and more upstanding than the current crop, you don't know what you're talking about. Ty Cobb? Racist jerk. Mickey Mantle? Drunken idiot who could have been the best EVER but instead never lived up to his potential (and you think watching juiced up players play is a rip off!) Most players before (heck, even for awhile after) Jackie Robinson made his debut? Racist, and thankful they didn't have to compete with the Negro Leaguers. So get off you high-horse and have a $7.50 beer and just enjoy the show.
P.S. Palmeiro used steroids, I don't care. Palmeiro lied about using steroids to Congress while under oath. What a tool. I say send him to jail (for the lying, not the steroids).
close:angryrant
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Age and the Inexorable March Towards Death
Did you know that, next year, there will be young men and women graduating from high school that weren't born until 1988? I remember 1988! I turned 9 shortly after Bush was elected president. That's George H. W. Bush. You know, Dubya's dad? Could 1988 really be 17 years ago? I also remember being 17. That was just back in 1996. Almost 10 years ago! Holy mackerel that's a long time ago. I can only imagine how it must feel for those of you that are actually old!
On a related note, as the brickfamily and I were leaving McLean Community Park last night on the way to Bed, Bath, and Beyond at Tyson's Corner (wow, I sound old and boring in this sentence) we saw a girl leaving the McLean Library. I said "Oh, that's cute! That little girl is spending some of her summer at the library." Then, said little girl walks up to a car and open's the driver's side door, gets in and drives away! Ouch!
And finally, this leads me to my conclusion: old is a state of mind. I'll be twenty-six in a few months. So will a lot of my friends back in WA. So why do I feel so much older than them? Brickbaby.
Having a child brings so much joy it's almost unbelievable. But it aslo brings crushing responsibility. You are responsible for raising this child into a decent human being and, if you buy into a lot of the parenting books/magazines out there, you're on the brink of permanently ruining his life every second of every day. DON'T SCREW HIM UP! This is something that my friends without kids (those that got out of Yakima after high school, seriously, since just about everyone I know that stayed ended up having a kid within two years) can't really fathom. I'm not saying that they don't understand, it's just that they don't, well, understand the magnitude of it. And no, unless you could leave your baby at home alone with a bowl of food, having a dog is not even close to the same thing. So I guess that's why I seem so much older to myself than other people my age seem to me. Of course, in terms of life development, I've almost always been ahead of the curve: married at 20, real job at 22, child at 23, mortgage at 25, etc. But hey, I still love my life and I don't regret getting old. It was bound to happen eventually.
On a related note, as the brickfamily and I were leaving McLean Community Park last night on the way to Bed, Bath, and Beyond at Tyson's Corner (wow, I sound old and boring in this sentence) we saw a girl leaving the McLean Library. I said "Oh, that's cute! That little girl is spending some of her summer at the library." Then, said little girl walks up to a car and open's the driver's side door, gets in and drives away! Ouch!
And finally, this leads me to my conclusion: old is a state of mind. I'll be twenty-six in a few months. So will a lot of my friends back in WA. So why do I feel so much older than them? Brickbaby.
Having a child brings so much joy it's almost unbelievable. But it aslo brings crushing responsibility. You are responsible for raising this child into a decent human being and, if you buy into a lot of the parenting books/magazines out there, you're on the brink of permanently ruining his life every second of every day. DON'T SCREW HIM UP! This is something that my friends without kids (those that got out of Yakima after high school, seriously, since just about everyone I know that stayed ended up having a kid within two years) can't really fathom. I'm not saying that they don't understand, it's just that they don't, well, understand the magnitude of it. And no, unless you could leave your baby at home alone with a bowl of food, having a dog is not even close to the same thing. So I guess that's why I seem so much older to myself than other people my age seem to me. Of course, in terms of life development, I've almost always been ahead of the curve: married at 20, real job at 22, child at 23, mortgage at 25, etc. But hey, I still love my life and I don't regret getting old. It was bound to happen eventually.
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