All My Lies Are Always Wishes

HOW TO TURN A USDA CHOICE SIRLOIN STEAK INTO A SALT LICK

Follow all instructions very carefully

1. Buy some USDA Choice Sirloin steaks on sale at Meijer.


2. Gripe about having to shop at Meijer where everybody is rude.


3. Think, "Wow, it's just like being back in DC except everyone (including me) is fatter!


4. Walk down the baking aisle and note that it is the only part of the store that isn't a zoo.


5. Think, "what is this country coming to when nobody bakes their own food anymore. At least we are not like that. We at least bake our own bread.


6. In a bread machine.


7. At home, 90 minutes before grilling time, take the steaks and pat them dry to remove excess water.


8. In your Crate and BarrelTm granite mortar and pestle, mash together some fresh, homegrown rosemary and some minced garlic.


9. Spread garlic-rosemary mash liberally on one side of the steaks.


10. Cover the steaks on both sides with non-iodized salt so that you can't even see any red hardly ,in order that the water in the steaks gets drawn out by the salt to dry them out so that they taste like prime steaks instead of choice.


11. Let steak sit there for about 75 minutes.


12. Half-assedly rinse the surfaces of the steaks to remove the excess salt and garlic-rosemary mash.


13. Grill to taste.*


14. Taste will be salt.

*At least 4 Rolling Rocks (or similar) must be consumed while grilling. Includes grilling time for dishes other than steaks.

Here We Go

So what do we do when it seems as though the world has fundamentally changed since the last time we wrote a post? We don't have an answer, but we will see as things progress. Today we will just write a post about food, how's that for starters?

Food thought #1: Even though it seems like it, it is not a good idea to have Black Pepper Jack Doritos, French Onion Dip, mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and 5 beers for dinner. Trust us on this one, you will regret it the next day.

Food thought #2: We have finally decided that disliking Magic Hat beers on principle because so many other people (read: New Englanders) think Magic Hat is some kind of unassailable masterpiece brewery, God's gift to beer drinkers etc is pointless. What changed our mind was when we opened a bottle of MH's Seasonale Jinx and found the following quotation on the cap "All my friends are brown and red." Any brewery that is willing to quote Soundgarden is all right by us. Plus, this just shows that Magic Hat wishes it were a Pacific Northwest beer.

Food thought #3: For the rest of our life, every time we drink a beer, before we take our first sip, we will raise it to Will Stavlund's memory and say a prayer for his family.

Food thought #4: We have devised the best recipe ever. Just listen to this. Dorito. Lasagna. All you do is replace the lasagna noodles with Cool Ranch Doritos. And maybe replace the ricotta cheese with that liquid nacho cheese in a can. How could this not be good? Well, maybe the tomatoe sauce should be replaced with some kind of taco sauce. This is making us very hungry.

A Trip to Rock Creek Park and the Pursuant existential Angst

Amazingly, the brickfamily had lived in Washington DC (and I do mean in for any of you "NoVa and Md. ARE NOT WASHINGTON chuckleheads) for seven entire months before visiting Rock Creek Park, which is only, like, the biggest urban park in the universe.
I may be wrong about that last claim seeing as I did absolutely no research on the matter whatsoever. But we finally did make the long, 6-minute drive to the park. It's pretty sweet. Like a little forest in the middle of the most powerful city in the universe. (Again, no research). We had a little picnic, went for a walk, and then drove home.

Good Things That We Saw

• Three deer just chilling about 30 yards in front of us on the trail
• Lots and lots of picnic areas accessible by both foot and car
• An open, expansive respite from the hustle and bustle of everyday Washington

Bad Things That We Saw

• A plethora of beer bottles (most Heineken, if that means anything) apparently tossed a few feet from the trail
• Several trees near the trailhead that were totally covered with carved graffiti
• A pair of *panties* lying by the side of the trail, if you can believe that

If you are the type of person that would toss empty beer bottles into the woods or leave a pair of dirty panties by the side of a trail in a National Park, please let me know. I would like to end any and all association with you forthwith. If you are someone that I have never talked to, no I will not be your friend until you stop doing that crap. Idiots.

Baseball, Steroids, Anger

So I was all poised to write a long post about the retardedness that is our national outrage over steroids in baseball and then this jerk goes and does it first (and much better, by the way). Dang you, guy-that-writes-for-an-actual-website-and-not-just-on-his-own-pretentious-"blog."

But there's still one point that he didn't cover that I would like to discuss.


Listen closely now, all y'alls.



BASEBALL IS A GAME!

That's right. It's not high-level politics. It's not life and death. It's entertainment. Are you going to tell me that you didn't glue yourself to the TV every time McGuire or Sosa were at bat in '98? (This only applies to baseball fans, and if you aren't a baseball fan, I don't care what you have to say anyway. So there.) Are you going to tell me that you would have rather had game 7 of the 2003 ALCS end at 6-4 after a boring final two innings and not see Aaron Boone jack one out to win the game? I even hate the Yankees and I still prefer to see them win in dramatic fashion (I mean, I hate the Red Sox, too, so why do I care who wins?)

The bottom line is that you pay money to be entertained at the game, and steroid-enhanced players are more fun to watch. Are some of them idiots? Abso-bloomin-lutely. So are some of us. Are some of them total *******? (edited for content since this is a family site) Of course, but we don't have to deal with them on a personal level, so who cares? Let them play the game however it needs to be played to entertain us. That's what matters.

And to those of you who claim that ballplayers were better and more upstanding than the current crop, you don't know what you're talking about. Ty Cobb? Racist jerk. Mickey Mantle? Drunken idiot who could have been the best EVER but instead never lived up to his potential (and you think watching juiced up players play is a rip off!) Most players before (heck, even for awhile after) Jackie Robinson made his debut? Racist, and thankful they didn't have to compete with the Negro Leaguers. So get off you high-horse and have a $7.50 beer and just enjoy the show.


P.S. Palmeiro used steroids, I don't care. Palmeiro lied about using steroids to Congress while under oath. What a tool. I say send him to jail (for the lying, not the steroids).

close:angryrant