In Which a Day Burns Out

You know a good way to waste a perfectly usable Sunday afternoon? Go to the stupid ER because you're stupid worried you might be dying because your stupid heart is beating erratically and super-fast and you're all dizzy and sweating like a sieve (does that even make sense?) and then not too long after they admit you, it kinda goes away and it turns out you probably just drank to much stupid caffeine but you have to sit there and talk to them and say "no, I don't snort cocaine" and they take stupid blood out of your stupid arm and then put stupid saline into your stupid arm and then they finally let you go home but not until after you wasted 3 stupid hours of your stupid life.

Not that I would know.

Retrograde Curmudgeon

It's funny, isn't it, how when we look back on the past we only remember the highlights and the lowlights? I don't remember what I did on June 3rd, 2005 for example, that's for sure. OH WAIT, I DO!!! I was in Bolivia protesting against president Carlos Mesa. We forced a constitutional assembly that would ultimately reform the constitution in favor of the native majority, paving the way for Bolivia's first native president, and country's namesake, Manute Bol! It happened, you can look it up. And if you don't believe I was there, then prove it! Where was I on June 3, 2005? HMMMMMMM???? For that matter, where were YOU? You were probably the one that sent that suspicious package to Australian Foreign Minster Alexander Downer that day, weren't you? I'm sure you have a great alibi.

Anyway, this made me stop and think for a moment. We are quickly reaching a point in time when it WON'T be true that our lives are primarily undocumented and our self-histories will NOT be based primarily/only on the memories of ourselves and those around us. We WON'T disappear into the aether of the collective human past within 100 years (well, we still might) because our entire lives, cradle to eldarc will be digitized and documented! We're not at the end of history, we're barely at the beginning. We're in the transition from the dark ages to the age of historical enlightenment! Events will be parsed, causes tracked back through reams of data into the past! We will know everything about everyone! What will this look like? I don't know, but I want to find out!

So, I started reading back through the archives of this here blog and I realized that it's good that we don't remember many details about the past (in our current era at least) because most of the past is trite, cruel, blowhardesque, tweeishly self-conscious and maudlin with a large dollop of self-righteousness to bring out the flavor of the self-referential self-absorbedness. At least it's good to know and have a record of how self-serious and self-serving I was only a few short years ago. I'm super self-glad that I'm not self-like that any more! Just look at this post, for instance...

*reads back over the post*

OH SHIT!!!

You Might Remember a Little Thing Called THE FRENCH JEAN SHORT REVOLUTION!

At this most wonderful time of the year, I often like to recollect things. Last year I tried recollecting all the 1987 Topps baseball cards, but then I remembered that collecting things is pretty lame, let alone REcollecting.

So I decided to reminisce instead. It was way more satisfying. I reminisced so much that I threw my back cortex out! First I reminisced about ye olden times when I used to wear jean shorts. That was pretty cool. Then I reminisced about The Dark Ages (birth - 4), but that didn’t take very long. It turns out that all my memories from that period are actually just photographs. I guess you could say I have a 100% photographic memory of those ages!

Finally, I reminisced about Saturday when I took los kids (that's Mexican for "the kids") to the Henry Ford Museum. They had this Lego Castle Adventure exhibit that had big ol’ bins of Lego bricks for any/everyone to dig their hands into and build stuff with. In retrospect (which is what reminiscing is all about), these bins seem like a bad idea. Unless Lego bricks are naturally self-disinfecting. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure they are not.

When Worlds Collide

So after years of putting it off, I finally bought myself a new computer on Saturday when it turned out that I needed one to finally finish the stuff I was doing for my sister. It's a white macbook, because if there's one thing I like about buying computers, it's paying extra for something pretty. I would be blogging this blog on it if I weren't sitting at my desk eating oatmeal for lunch. So it goes.

Anyway, I did finish the stuff for my sister. It was the first and most likely the last freelance graphic design work I've been paid for. You can see it here or here if you really want. Yay textbooks!

Earth Day 2008: The Phantom Menace

Did you know that today is Earth Day 2008? Well, I did. I remember because somewhere in my brain I've stored the fact that April 22nd is the day that I'm supposed to care about the earth The Earth. It's a lot like Grandparents' Day except that I remember when Earth Day is.

Anyway, I wanted to show The Earth that I cared, so I gave him/her (The Earth is creepily androgynous, kind of like a horribly stereotyped "goth" teenager. Actually, exactly like a nonexistent stereotype of a "goth" teenager.) a call.

The Earth: Hello?

Me: Hello? The Earth?

The Earth: Yeah, what do you want.

Me: Oh, nothing really. How are you doing.

The Earth: How am I doing? Do you even need to ask? I would think that in your superb understanding you would know that my soul is full of a rainy miasma.

Me: I see. I hate those miasmas. Well, I just wanted to let you know that I care about you, okay?

The Earth: You don't care about me! Nobody cares about me! The world is a vampire slowly sucking my lifeblood. Nobody understands my magick or my rainy soul. I hate you.

Me: Okay, talk to you later.

The Earth: .....

Me: Goodbye.

The Earth: Can I have $50?

Me: Goodbye. *click*. Damn teenagers.

So there you have it. A totally worthless experience. Maybe I'll try back in again in a couple billion years. The Earth has a lot of growing up to do right now.

P.S. Did you know that if you stopped eating meat, started growing food in your own garden, started biking to work/school, used a clothesline instead of a dryer, changed all your light bulbs to CFLs, and started wearing sweaters because you turned your heat down to 60 instead of 70 it would make exactly zero difference to The Earth?



Not that I'm saying not to do those things. I mean, I'm even doing some of them. Just don't think they're going to make any kind of a difference.

You'll Start a War

Maybe it's just me, but toilet paper isn't supposed to be translucent, is it?

Maybe it's just me, but what the hell is a handbasket?

Maybe it's just me, but where's my tax refund?

Maybe it's just me, but didn't we expect something? Something better than before?

Maybe it's just me, but why is it so cold?

Maybe it's just me, but weren't you always weird?

Maybe it's just me, but I wish I could get over it.

Maybe it's just me, but sometimes I can't help myself.

Maybe it's just me, but WTF?

Maybe it's just me, but do you want a piece of pie?

Maybe it's just me.

Paint Your Body Red and Brown

So, the other day I was just sitting around watching one of the strangest, best, and most non-sequiturishly-titled movies of all time. Okay, no. I wasn't just sitting around watching one of the strangest, best and most non-sequiturishly-titled movies of all time, I was also reading the news on the internet. All of a sudden, out of the blue, out of left field comes this article about a national security higher-up guy talking about how we need to redefine privacy. It should no longer mean [REDACTED]. Instead it should mean that the government will keep your information private from other organizations. Those [REDACTED], crazy [REDACTED] think that we don't [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] them!

If they successfully change the societal meaning of privacy my family and I are [REDACTED].

Seriously.

All My Lies Are Always Wishes

HOW TO TURN A USDA CHOICE SIRLOIN STEAK INTO A SALT LICK

Follow all instructions very carefully

1. Buy some USDA Choice Sirloin steaks on sale at Meijer.


2. Gripe about having to shop at Meijer where everybody is rude.


3. Think, "Wow, it's just like being back in DC except everyone (including me) is fatter!


4. Walk down the baking aisle and note that it is the only part of the store that isn't a zoo.


5. Think, "what is this country coming to when nobody bakes their own food anymore. At least we are not like that. We at least bake our own bread.


6. In a bread machine.


7. At home, 90 minutes before grilling time, take the steaks and pat them dry to remove excess water.


8. In your Crate and BarrelTm granite mortar and pestle, mash together some fresh, homegrown rosemary and some minced garlic.


9. Spread garlic-rosemary mash liberally on one side of the steaks.


10. Cover the steaks on both sides with non-iodized salt so that you can't even see any red hardly ,in order that the water in the steaks gets drawn out by the salt to dry them out so that they taste like prime steaks instead of choice.


11. Let steak sit there for about 75 minutes.


12. Half-assedly rinse the surfaces of the steaks to remove the excess salt and garlic-rosemary mash.


13. Grill to taste.*


14. Taste will be salt.

*At least 4 Rolling Rocks (or similar) must be consumed while grilling. Includes grilling time for dishes other than steaks.

Bullets From a Revolver

If there's one thing this crazy world needs, it's more information about what I eat. You could write a book about the food that I eat. Chapter last week's lunches would be called "Futility."

Monday: Weight loss shake.

Tuesday: 4 Jimmy John's mini sandwiches and Salt and Vinegar chips.

Wednesday: McDonald's

Thursday: Wendy's value menu special

Friday: Weight loss shake

But this weekend, the food was really good, and better yet, it was all home grown! You see, I decided that the imminent collapse of the US economy and the attendant hyper-inflation will soon make most food either unavailable or prohibitively expensive. Thus, I decided earlier this spring to learn how to grow my own vegetables. The first thing I learned was that I'm not very good at growing things. What nature somehow manages to do literally billions of times every year, I cannot accomplish, even with extensive effort. Not a single one of my seeds sprouted. I almost gave myself up for doomed. But then I remembered that you can totally just go down to the local fancy-pants grocery store and buy all sorts of plants that just need to be transplanted. The second thing I learned was that I am one awesome transplanting SOB. Not a single one of my plants died and now I've got lettuces out the head and tomatoes growing like crazy and 4 or 5 different varieties of peppers, I don't remember exactly. I hope I don't confuse a bell pepper and an habanero pepper, because that won't end well.

But back to the food we had this weekend that was all homegrown. Last night we had a fresh romaine and black-seeded Simpson lettuce salad topped with chicken sauteed with minced garlic, olive oil, a dash of vinegar, dried oregano, dried thyme, fresh cilantro and fresh basil. Then, tonight, we had fried eggs with cheese and a fresh basil leaf on top and a fresh black-seeded Simpson lettuce and green bean salad.

By the way, when I said everything was homegrown, I was not including the chicken, the garlic, the olive oil, the vinegar, the oregano, the thyme, the eggs, the cheese, the salad dressing, the toast or the beer. Other than that, it all totally was!

Then it Becomes a River

Well, since all I ever do around here anymore is give lists of things I've recently read, watched or listened do, I figured I might as well keep doing that! So here's some brief and superfluous notes on some albums I've recenly bought, borrowed, checked out from the library or otherwise listened to.

Sky Blue Sky by Wilco
If you like Wilco already, I'm sure you'll like this one too. It's very pretty and soulful. It is also a little bit of a downer, but so is life in general, so it's all good. The best songs are Impossible Germany, Side with the Seeds and Hate it Here. I would recommend that you listen to it while sitting in your office staring at your computer screen blankly and wondering how in the world you got yourself into this.


Nevermind by Nirvana<
Nobody needs me to say anything about this. For some reason, we didn't already own this. Well one thing I can say is that the album artwork for this album definitely aged better than the art for the next album in this list. The next one is almost comical.

Ten by Pearl Jam
Again, nothing I can say will add anything to the world. However, the fold out album art of the band members standing all together in a circle with their hands raised together is funny. It's like they are trying to be a football team or something.

Southernplayalisticadillacmuzic
This is Outkast's first album. I borrowed it from a friend of mine at work who basically only likes it because he thinks that teh Outkast guys are fellow conspiracy theorists, which, in all fairness, they might be. Other than their references to disease engineering and white plots to kill the black man, the album is very rap-of-the-mill.

Live at Stubb's by Matisyahu
An album full of mediocre (at best) reggae rap...BUT the rapper dude is a white Hasidic Jew! So it's cool in a Weird Al kind of novelty way, so I guess it has that going for it.

The Else by They Might Be Giants
They Might Be Giants' 12th album! It's okay! It comes with a full length bonus disc! THe bonus disc is at least as good as the actual album! It contains one of the best stalker songs I've ever heard! And a song about drunk driving! And a song about nuts that my son already knows! Are you convinced to go out and buy it? No?? Well, imagine my shock.

Some Loud Thunder by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!
Holy cow. I can't believe these guys were indie rock darlings! Not bad, but certainly nothing to right home about in ridiculous overwrought metaphors and forced significance. Plus, the song titles are borderline stupid. Mama, Won't You Keep Them Castles in the Air and Burning? , Upon Encountering the Crippled Elephant, Satan Said Dance? Seriously?

I Found Out Today We're Going Wrong,

I think I may have found my stupid calling.

What is it, you ask? Is it saving the helpless in Darfur? Is it feeding the hungry? Is it curing AIDS?

NOPE! It's editing Uncyclopedia! It's like wikipedia, but requires absolutely no knowledge about anything! It's like it was created just for me!

Here are my contributions thus far:

Gouda Cheese

Karl Von Helmsteinereinmann

FREEdHEM Hemorrhoid Cream

Go there an vote them up! I don't know what it does, but how much fun is clicking on arrows?? A lot of fun, that's how much!

Plus I may or may not get around to adding a feature on the right (-------> for those that don't already know) that keeps track of my contributions so you can, you know, not read them!

Pickin' A Crazy Apple Off a Stem

You know what I like to do a lot? Well, yes, that, but it's not what I was thinking of. What I was thinking of was that I like to come up with grandiose plans for stuff that will take the world by storm only then not ever do anything with it. Trust me, it's just as easy as NOT coming up with grandiose plans and doing something with it. I've done that way more. Anyway, when I first heard that we would probably be moving to Detroit(ish) I thought to myself "you know what this town needs? A guerrilla sticker campaign that reminds people to be nice to each other! I could design some stickers in regular size label format (2"x4") that people could print out at home and then put up in Metro stations, at bus stops, in parking lots, wherever! Then, other people would read them and realize that they should be nicer! It will change the world."

So I came up with all these stickers (okay, all but one of these stickers since my friend Kirk actually came up with the slogan for one of them several years ago and made some shirts that said it) and planned to start putting them up. I was going to start an underground, emergent organization called you≥me. But I never did. Now you can not put them up too! Feel free to not print out as many as you don't want to and go out and not put them up in Metro (or whatever the light rail mass transit system is called where you live (i.e. "your carpool" in Seattle)) stations, bus stops, hallways, etc. You can also not design any additional ones when you feel like not changing the world one person at a time.

Bah.

Listependance Tuesday

This will be phenomenal. Really. You are phenomenal.


Things My Son Said To Me Today When He Wanted To Draw on Our White Board

1. I want to color!


2. I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT. Please?


3. I WAAAAAAAAAAANT IT!


4. I want to color, daddy!


5. AAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAA


6. It's my turn, daddy!

Bills I Paid Today

1. Mortgage


2. Condominium Fee


3. Cell Phone


4. Paxton


5. Mr.

On Last Night's Baseball Game (See more tomorrow)

1. Teams Playing: Washington Nationals and Florida Marlins


2. Cost of tickets: $7 each


3. Cost of tickets with service charges and fees: $12.50 each


4. Seat Section: 532


5. Reason for attending: Deadspin field trip


6. Number of Deadspin readers and/or writers talked to: 0


7. Number of home runs hit by Soriano: 2?


8. Number of complete at-bats I watched: <5


9. Walks taken with aforementioned son: 2


10. Innings pitched: 5


11. Should you take the metro to the game: No


12. Opinion on naked babies: Neutral to negative


13. Best thing on concession menu: Cheese Cup ($1.00)


14. Beers that count as "Premium": Corona, Heineken.


15. Attendance: 100<, <1,000,000


16. Winner of the President Race: Lincoln, oh yeah!

I Give Up

Well, the death of this blog might be on the horizon. I couldn't be cynical today, and without that, my blog persona's got nothing. Nothing.

I wanted to say something cynical and funny about this house concert that I went to last night, but I can't. It was too good.

Dang it, Ryan and Holly!

Everyone else: I highly recommend The Cobalt Season's But I Tell You.

Rawlly Practisum Firedog

I'm sorry, but some people just have the stupidest tatoos. Has something like this that looks like some kind of crappy new age painting that you might find on a cheap pack of tarot cards ever been cool? That'll look pretty sweet in a few years, I bet.

This reminds me of a friend of mine. I really love her, she's a great mother and all, but she once got a tattoo of, are you ready for this, a tiger......holding a rose.....in its mouth. That had to be the tackiest thing ever. To be fair, she did have it covered up by another tattoo. A tattoo of a pair of light blue angel wings. That's like selling your 1985 Chevy Cavalier and buying .......a 1986 Cavalier. Maybe it was okay in 1987, but 2004? Nope. Malissa, if you're reading this, I'm just kidding around.

If I ever get a tattoo, which I won't but I'm just saying, it will be on my stomach. It will say "THUG LYFE" in fancy gothic-style letters. That would look so awesome when I'm 75 and hanging out on the beach. Yeah, Thug life baby.

List Tuesday

Top 8 Things I Worry About

1. Levi


2. Money


3. Whether or not I worry too much


4. Levi


5. Maggie


6. Being a nice person


7. Real estate (or really any) Bubbles


8. Getting buried alive in radioactive dirt by a cult of Nancy Pelosi-worshipping Argentine midgets in Insane Clown Posse style facepaint.

Note: Number 8 narrowly edged out "falling onto the third rail and frying like a like a garage-fire causing turkey."

Church vs. Change

One of the things that I love about our church is that, from week to week, you never know how different the services might be. For example, we often have discussions during the service so that if anyone has anything to contribute, they're welcome to. Trust me, it's not as weird as it sounds; it's actually quite natural. Other times we may have one of the design team members dress up as a biblical character and act out/tell their story. Okay, so that just happened once, but still.

Anyhow, today, we took a page from the Quaker worship book. For those of you not familiar with Quaker-style, this means that we sat around waiting for people to say things. Well, it's not exactly like that, I mean, we wait for God to speak to and through us. So we're sitting there and David gets up and sings Amazing Grace (he was also a suprisingly good singer), and then Erin got up and sang a song of her own crafting. A couple other people spoke too. It was pretty cool, really. But here's the problem: someone turned my reverence control knob down to zero. All the time that we were waiting for other people to speak, my mind kept going back to stupid things that I could get up and say. Like this: I go up to the microphone at the front of the room and, in all seriousness, say "It's a long ways to the top if you want to Rock and Roll," and then sit back down. Or maybe standing up at my seat with my eyes closed and speaking in some ridiculous sounding "tongue:" "Grashanick KALMAAR TAG HORFRAGGARANT etc." and then sitting back down. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Everyone else was being all sincere and thoughtful and reverent and it was all I could do not to start laughing in my seat.




In all honesty, I still think doing something like that would have been utterly hilarious, but these people are my friends. I don't want to offend them.