When Worlds Collide

So after years of putting it off, I finally bought myself a new computer on Saturday when it turned out that I needed one to finally finish the stuff I was doing for my sister. It's a white macbook, because if there's one thing I like about buying computers, it's paying extra for something pretty. I would be blogging this blog on it if I weren't sitting at my desk eating oatmeal for lunch. So it goes.

Anyway, I did finish the stuff for my sister. It was the first and most likely the last freelance graphic design work I've been paid for. You can see it here or here if you really want. Yay textbooks!

Whatever Happens, Happens

This one time, actually it was yesterday, I had to go to the oral surgeons. I hate oral surgeons. He had to pull out two of my 3rd molars. It was not very fun. My face looks really lopsided now.

The good news was that I got to miss work yesterday. It's pretty much a toss-up whether I dislike the oral surgeons or work more. I think I dislike work more because work never gives me hydrocodone.



But other than that, I haven't been up to much, you know. Just mostly sitting around at home and at work, eatin some pizza, learnin about Cuba. I do have a favorite new band of the moment. The National. Don't worry, it's still just regular old twenty-something semi-mopey, semi-orchestral white boy indie rock. You know me, I'm a sucker for that shit. I would say that I am a perfect member of the most predictable demographic, behind 4-7 year old kids that is. We're all semi-elitist, semi-self-aware, semi-rich insufferable bastards who think they're different than the stupid normal Americans. Which is true, I guess. We ARE all the same amount different. But at least I'm not really semi-rich anymore, so I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Return of the Roving Machinations of the Giant Bottle of Rye

Just like most things that happen, the title of this post doesn't mean anything.
However, from time to time, something does mean something. Like yesterday, when I went to Costco. Going to Costco meant that I was one hundred and something dollars poorer and Dickety-two consumer items richer. It was quite enlightening to realize that.

So at least I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Everything in the World You've Ever Wanted

I could hardly believe my eye-brains today as I read in the good ol' Metro Express that wireless internet access might soon be offered on some trains.

"That's a huge step forward for humanity," I thought to myself. "Not for me since my laptop is 4+ years old and probably couldn't handle a wireless card anyway, but for humanity in general, that's pretty rad."

Then I got to the next sentence:

Metro is moving forward with plans to give companies the right to install wireless Internet access at certain bus stops and in tunnels in exchange for shared revenue from advertising or user fees.

What a thing to read on a Monday morning. "We're going to offer wireless internet! But only in some places, probably the rich parts of town, and it's not us, it's other companies and they will probably charge by the minute and one company will probably get an exclusive deal to provide access and will probably not give a damn if users have problems. It'll be just like the whole VERIZON ONLY policy in the tunnels, only wireless!" To be fair, it won't be just like the Verizon thing. Everybody will probably be allowed to pay outrageous fees to use the wireless access.

How is it that entire cities (i.e. Philadelphia and San Francisco and Seattle) can embark on projects to blanket every neighborhood with public wireless service and Metro can't even put in their own antennas? Oh yeah. It's because Virginians want to use Metro and not pay for it. Thanks a lot Virginia.

But hey, at least Metro will get some revenue out of it. If they get enough they could lower the fares, right? Right?

Yesterday, the worst happened. Just as my trusty Red Line train started to pull out of Metro Center, just as it started to pick up speed, the operator (driver?) slammed on the brakes and the train came to a screeching stop. My first thought was "Oh no. Some idiot is stuck in one of the doors and got dragged into the tunnel and is now a bloody smear." My second thought was "Why did they have to do it at rush hour? This is going to cause a ferocious delay. I'll never get home." My third thought was "What? I live in Washington. I don't give a rip about other people as long as they are not inconvenienceing me. In that case I want them to die. But, again, not in a way that would inconvenience me. There should be a law that no track jumpers are allowed between 4 and 7 PM. Jerks." My fourth thought was "oh thank God, the train is moving again. I'll get home on time."

Bonus note: Metro needs to teach their drivers to use the brakes properly. There are three popular braking methods, only one of which is correct.

Option 1: Brake smoothly and evenly as the train is pulling into the station, bringing the train to a complete stop in the right location (i.e. there is a door directly in front of where I am standing on the platform) with a small, comforting, "you finally made it," jolt. This is the right way to do it.

Option 2: Come barrelling into the station before braking heavily (probably around 0.7 g's) and bringing the train to a stop with a crunching, horrible jerk. This is not the right way to do it. I will admit that seeing people fall over because they weren't ready is fun. Unless it's me, then it blows chunks.

Option 3: The Soul-Killer. All you train riders know what I'm talking about. The old brake, coast, brake, coast, brake, coast, brake, coast....ad infinitum. Literally infinitum. I think at atom-scale distances the train is still alternatingly braking and coasting. It never fully comes to rest. Unless it does, and then it's with a terrifying jolt. I hate, hate, hate, hate this one. It makes me die a little inside at every station. This is not the right way to do it.

Update: After what happened on the Orange Line Friday at lunch time, I kind of feel like a jerk for writing this. Sorry.

Every day at lunch....Scratch that. Every day that I go out for lunch (more often than strictly necessary) I sometimes take the metro. Actually, I really only do that if I'm going to meet the Brickfam somewhere for lunch (usually CalTort which runs tasty, messy circles around Chipataplay if you want my opinion (and why else would you be here? (are you ready for this: triple parenthesis!))). But every time I do ride the Metro, I walk by a guy selling Street Sense. I almost never carry cash, which means I almost never buy Street Sense, which can lead to the vendor looking at me and saying things that I just have to ignore. Like, once, he said "Oh, you graduate from college and you go all Wall Street on us?" I think he was trying to say that I should give something back. I know I should, but can he take credit cards? No? Shoot. And then, every time I'm at lunch with the brickwife, I intend to ask her for a dollar so I can buy a copy on my way back, but I always forget.

All this to say that last Friday I did have some cash on me so I bought a copy. And since I was in a good mood, I chatted with the vendor a little. He introduced himself (I don't remember his name) and said he was the house photographer and asked if he could take a picture of me for their Cheerful Givers piece. I said sure, and then a reasonable facsimile of the following conversation took place.

Me: That's a nice camera you've got there! (Speaking of his Nikon D-SLR)

Street Sense Guy: Yep, digital, cost two grand.

Me: Wow, pretty pricey. Out of my price range at least.

SSG: But now I don't have to pay for a whole roll of prints, just twenty-nine cents each! I been takin' pictures since about '70, but I just went digital last year. I was all used to cropping and dodging and that s---, but now I don't got to do none of that.

[aside: if you don't know, "dodging is the practice of, well, dodging your hand in and out of the projector/print maker thing in order to lessen the exposure on certain parts of the print. Just goes to show, I've learned more of practical use from one High School photography course than from all of my high school science classes. Oh, wait. That's not true. In physics I learned about audible beats in slightly different frequency sounds which is very useful when it comes to tuning a guitar.]

Me: It must be pretty convenient for you since you take so many pictures for the paper.

SSG: Yep, now I don't have to worry about getting 36 pictures that are all no good. But it's bad news for the little mom-and-pop developers. They aren't gettin' much bidness any more.

Me: Yeah, too bad. Do you like the camera though?

SSG: It's great man. Cost about two grand.

Me: (thinking that I'm pretty sure he already said this) Wow!

SSG: About two years ago I was crossing the street when this woman waiting for me to cross yells at me "Move it you slow motherf****r!" So I looked at her and said "You dumb black b****, I got the right of way, so you just better wait." (ed. just so you know the vendor was African-American, so he wasn't racist, just a little crude) And then she yells back at me that she doesn't care and she'll run over my a**. So I said "Kiss my sphincter!" She didn't know what I was talking about, so I look at her and say "You dumb black b****! The sphincter is the muscle that controls your a******!" You should have seen the look on her face! And then she steps on the gas and runs me over! Felony hit-and-run! Then this other woman who saw the whole thing says to me "I can't believe she cussed you out and then ran over you!" I made sure to get her license plate number. I ended up getting a three thousand dollar settlement, and I spent two on this camera!

Me: Um, I gotta go meet my wife for lunch, okay?

So we shook hands, I walked down into Metro Center, and that was that. Just goes to show: if you want an interesting conversation, talk to the Street Sense guys.

By the way, does every city have a homeless newspaper? I know that Seattle does. Here's a shout out to anyone who shopped at the Roosevelt Ave Safeway in the U-District back in the day (so, basically just me and the brickwife among all those who read this)...

"Real Change? Have a great day ma'am. Have a great day, sir."

customer service dc style

Yesterday afternoon, my wife walked up to the Tenleytown Post Office to send a rush order payment to her impoverished sister out in Oregon. We may never see that money again, but that's beside the point here. Here's the point. While service in DC tends toward the abysmal, what my wife witnessed yesterday sets a new record for unfriendliness. The following is a true story, only the names have been changed.

The set up: The guy in front of my wife in line gets to the courtesy fill-out-the-address-portion-of-your-package counter (you know the one) and needs to write something on the envelope he is about to send. He picks up the pen chained to the counter and attempts to write with it. After several futile attempts to transfer ink to paper, he turns to the guy at the window and has the following conversation...

Guy with the empty pen: Excuse me, but do you have a pen? This one (holding up the chained pen) doesn't work.

Guy behind the window: That pen works.

Guy without a working pen and now a somewhat shocked look on his face: Umm, no it doesn't. You can come around the counter and try it if you want...

Guy (firmly planted) behind the window: I DON'T HAVE TO COME AROUND THE COUNTER FOR NUTHIN'!

Everyone within hearing distance falls into a shocked silence. Another Post Office employee comes to the window.

Other Post Office Guy: What do you need, sir?

Where's-that-confounded-pen Guy: I just need a pen. Please, I just need a pen. This one's broken and...

Other Post Office Guy: Here ya go (reaches down, picks up a working pen and hands it to the needy guy).

Before I moved here, that story would have shocked me. "Why I've never heard of such outlandishly bad treatment, even at a Post Office," I would have proclaimed. When my wife told me the story last night however, all I could do was laugh. Just when you thought service couldn't get any worse, they go and turn all angry and aggressive on you. Please just stick with the status quo of not caring about the customer. I've learned to live with that.