This is Where The Party Ends

I'm sorry. I haven't been blogging regularly. I looked. There's no blog equivalent of Metamucil. And eating more fiber doesn't help. Trust me.

Just so you know, like most things in the world, my life since my last post can be summed up succinctly with to TFD comics. They are eerily accurate. F'n Drew, man.

Everything in the World You've Ever Wanted

I could hardly believe my eye-brains today as I read in the good ol' Metro Express that wireless internet access might soon be offered on some trains.

"That's a huge step forward for humanity," I thought to myself. "Not for me since my laptop is 4+ years old and probably couldn't handle a wireless card anyway, but for humanity in general, that's pretty rad."

Then I got to the next sentence:

Metro is moving forward with plans to give companies the right to install wireless Internet access at certain bus stops and in tunnels in exchange for shared revenue from advertising or user fees.

What a thing to read on a Monday morning. "We're going to offer wireless internet! But only in some places, probably the rich parts of town, and it's not us, it's other companies and they will probably charge by the minute and one company will probably get an exclusive deal to provide access and will probably not give a damn if users have problems. It'll be just like the whole VERIZON ONLY policy in the tunnels, only wireless!" To be fair, it won't be just like the Verizon thing. Everybody will probably be allowed to pay outrageous fees to use the wireless access.

How is it that entire cities (i.e. Philadelphia and San Francisco and Seattle) can embark on projects to blanket every neighborhood with public wireless service and Metro can't even put in their own antennas? Oh yeah. It's because Virginians want to use Metro and not pay for it. Thanks a lot Virginia.

But hey, at least Metro will get some revenue out of it. If they get enough they could lower the fares, right? Right?

A Ton of Hot Air

Okay folks, I wasn't going to write about this, like, ever, but I have to. Did you see the Post today? No? Okay, here's the editorial cartoon...



Can we all just stop blaming things on global warming? Global warming is not an on/off thing. It doesn't directly cause any weather patterns. It influences average weather patterns over decades not days. This rain? Not caused by global warming. Hurricane Katrina? Not caused by global warming. Were the intensities affected by global warming? Possibly. But please, please stop saying "well, looks like it's global warming."

Also, while we're on the subject, no, colder weather than usual during the winter does not mean that global warming isn't true.

Also, while we're on the subject, I've heard that last year was the hottest in 2,000 years. Are you telling me that we are freaking out and blaming death, destruction and flooding on weather that isn't even yet out of the normal distribution of historical global temperatures? You are? Well I'll be! I thought global warming was a never before seen wave of highest ever temperatures. Huh.*

[Redacted due to policy violation]


*For those of you who don't normally read this blog, or for those of you that do, but never understand when I am joking, this is one of those times. I actually think global warming is real and a big deal. It's a big deal because our industrial society was built during a period of historically low global temperatures and is vulnerable to any major shift in weather patterns, even if it takes decades. And stop feeling smug about it. It'll affect you, too.

I hate seeing dudes on the metro that give all us other twenty-something white guys a bad rep. Everybody thinks we're all d'bags, and it's because of people like the guy I saw last night. First, I noticed him because he poked me in the face with his giant, jumbo-sized magazine. You know the ones. They look like a regular magazine except they are glossier and about 50% wider for no apparent reason. I think to myself "what a jerk. I bet he's reading GQ or some other idiotic man-mag." I get a peek at the cover and, even worse, it's Details. I know that you're thinking nothing could be a stupider magazine than GQ. Well, you're wrong.

With my initial suspicions about this guy confirmed, I decided to check him out. Not in a gay way. So I see that he's wearing a nice crisp white shirt with no tie. He probably took his tie off before getting on the train so he could look "laid back." Actually, I do the same thing, so I can't fault him for that. The problems started below the waist. He was wearing black, pleated suit pants with a brown belt. Talk about a major fashion faux pas. Black and brown? Duuuuude. Plus, pleats? Don't they tell you not to wear pleated pants in Details? I guess not. But the piece de resistance of the whole outfit was his footwear. Light brown leather and canvas flip flops. I don't even have a comment about these.

So, with every bad sterotype of late 20-something white guy rolled up in one package, I just looked at him and wanted to punch him the throat. But I didn't. Then the train got to Cleveland Park, I got off and walked out of the station.

As I exited the station, I thought about that guy and how he was really just another guy trying to make his way in the world, although somewhat stupidly. I decided that I really hoped that he was at least a better Christian than I am. That he was more charitable than I am.

Because then he would've turned his other cheek and I could've punched him again.

Forward and Back

If you are in a good mood today and don't want to be brought down by hateful sentiments and angry screeds, please do not read this post. And especially do not read the poem at the end of this post. Already in a bad mood? Carry on.

If you have a computer and are connected in some way to the internet (hopefully not dial-up, but if so, sucks to be you) and have email, then you are familiar with the scourge of Forwarded Messages. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. I can hear you cringing in your seat as you read this and remember all the inane nonsense and FW:FW:FW:FW:RE:FW:FUNNIEST JOKE EVER messages you have pissed away your time reading. Fortunately for me, I get very few of these. I guess most people I communicate with are somewhat considerate. But let's get down to business.

The bizarre thing about forwarded emails is that, sometime, somewhere, someone actually sat down and wrote that list of 15 Ways that Men and Women are different. Actually, just writing it isn't the problem. The problem occurs when they think that everyone they know (be it in real life or over the internet) NEEDS to read their list because it is just so funny! Who are these people? Why do they do this? Are they just playing a practical joke on all of us? Are they trolling? My guess is no. They actually want to share a neverending stream of hilarity with the world. They have taken it upon themselves to ensure our amusement with doctored photos of trees, or heartstring pulling poems of love and loss. We don't want to hear it! Guess what? We don't care if we'll die a horrible death when we don't forward this chain letter to 10 of our friends. We don't want to hear about things that annoy you, or things that make you happy. Aside: You might think I am being hypocritical in saying this since I am a retarded blogger, but think again Batman! I see the similarities myself, but nobody forced you to come to this far-flung corner of the internet and read my lame posts, so just be quiet, Mr. Self-appointed Irony Finder. This applies to bloggers in general, too, not just me. It's perfectly acceptable to be self-absorbed and annoying on a blog, nobody will hear it. It's like swearing in the woods. So in order to combat this information age plague, from now on, I suggest that any time you receive a forwarded joke or poem or picture or whatever, forward it right back to the person who sent it to you. For effect, it's best to add a little text of your own like "You have got to read this!" or "When I read this I thought of you!" Obviously, there will be people with whom you should not use this approach, like family. That will just cause more problems than it solves, so please use discretion.

In keeping with this discussion of forwarded messages, I received one yesterday that I think takes the cake when it comes to being stupid, offensive, xenophobic, small-minded, and ridiculous. You may think that's a lot of heavy epithets, but hold off your judgment until you read the whole thing. The message I received is presented below, in its entirety. Well, not its entire entirety. The original also included a lot of smiley faces and other crappy clipart.

Someday, if my blog is ever listed in google, I want people who search for this poem because they think it is hilarious to be directed to my site.

Enjoy!

FW: ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT'S POEM
This can make you think.




Illegal
Immigrants
Poem


I cross ocean,
poor and broke,
Take bus,
see employment folk.

Nice man treat me
good in there,
Say I need to
see welfare.

Welfare say,
"You come no more,
We send cash
right to your door."

Welfare checks,
they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep
you healthy!

By and by,
I got plenty money,
Thanks to you,
American dummy.

Write to friends
in motherland,
Tell them 'come
fast as you can.'

They come in turbans
and Ford trucks,
I buy big house
with welfare bucks

They come here,
we live together,
More welfare checks,
it gets better!

Fourteen families,
they moving in,
But neighbor's patience
wearing thin.

Finally, white guy
moves away,
Now I buy his house,
and then I say,

"Find more aliens
for house to rent."
And in the yard
I put a tent.

Send for family
they just trash,
But they, too,
draw the welfare cash!

Everything is
very good,
And soon we
own the neighborhood.

We have hobby
it's called breeding,
Welfare pay
for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!

American crazy!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
running here.

We think America
darn good place!
Too darn good for
the white man race.

If they no like us,
they can scram,
Got lots of room in
Pakistan.





SEND THIS TO
EVERY AMERICAN
TAXPAYER YOU KNOW