Retrograde Curmudgeon

It's funny, isn't it, how when we look back on the past we only remember the highlights and the lowlights? I don't remember what I did on June 3rd, 2005 for example, that's for sure. OH WAIT, I DO!!! I was in Bolivia protesting against president Carlos Mesa. We forced a constitutional assembly that would ultimately reform the constitution in favor of the native majority, paving the way for Bolivia's first native president, and country's namesake, Manute Bol! It happened, you can look it up. And if you don't believe I was there, then prove it! Where was I on June 3, 2005? HMMMMMMM???? For that matter, where were YOU? You were probably the one that sent that suspicious package to Australian Foreign Minster Alexander Downer that day, weren't you? I'm sure you have a great alibi.

Anyway, this made me stop and think for a moment. We are quickly reaching a point in time when it WON'T be true that our lives are primarily undocumented and our self-histories will NOT be based primarily/only on the memories of ourselves and those around us. We WON'T disappear into the aether of the collective human past within 100 years (well, we still might) because our entire lives, cradle to eldarc will be digitized and documented! We're not at the end of history, we're barely at the beginning. We're in the transition from the dark ages to the age of historical enlightenment! Events will be parsed, causes tracked back through reams of data into the past! We will know everything about everyone! What will this look like? I don't know, but I want to find out!

So, I started reading back through the archives of this here blog and I realized that it's good that we don't remember many details about the past (in our current era at least) because most of the past is trite, cruel, blowhardesque, tweeishly self-conscious and maudlin with a large dollop of self-righteousness to bring out the flavor of the self-referential self-absorbedness. At least it's good to know and have a record of how self-serious and self-serving I was only a few short years ago. I'm super self-glad that I'm not self-like that any more! Just look at this post, for instance...

*reads back over the post*

OH SHIT!!!

Theological Exploration

So, today, I'm riding the train home from work, as I am wont to do, when I looked behind me to see what people were reading, as I am also wont to do, and I saw a guy reading what looked like a bible, but was really the Book of Mormon IN DISGUISE! I figured this out when I looked, progressively less surreptitiously, over his shoulder trying to see what book of the bible he was reading. The more and more I stared, the more I realized he actually was reading the Book of Alvin.

When I got home, I did some research and found out that the Book of Alvin is part of the story of Joseph Smith. It occurs chronologically right after he finds his pair of magic spectacles that allow him to decipher his magical golden tablets that he found just laying around under a rock. He is visited by the Spirit of his old business partner Brigham Young and told to expect to be visited by three ghosts, in preparation for which he is given a pair of super-magical earmuffs (they were golden too!). That very night, he is visited by all three ghosts at once. You will immediately recognize their names from history: Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. With the help of the magical, golden, jewel-encrusted (sorry, I forgot that part before) earmuffs, he is able to decipher the ghosts' outrageous squeaking. They explained the whole history of religion (including stuff that wasn't covered in the golden tablets) from the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah to George Washington. Their final command, before they disappeared into the mists was this: Joseph Smith must henceforth change his name to David Seville.

And the rest, as they say, is history. More specifically: THE BOOK OF MORMON PART II: THE SQUEAKUEL.

In Which I Don't Know

So, the other day I’m just sitting around, shopping for jean shorts online, when all of a sudden I realize that nobody wears jean shorts in Michigan in December. I mean, it’s just stupid. Then I remembered that I was supposed to be shopping for jeans, which makes a whole lot more sense. Then I remembered that this is the CHRISTMAS SEASON and that means if you shop for your self at this time of year you are either A) a selfish scrooge or B) forgetful and you forgot that it gets cold in December and you need some long pants but you already turned all your jeans into jean shorts because it was hot a couple of months ago. I won’t tell you what category I fall into.

Anyway, the point of the story is this: I bought some jeans and then turned them into jean shorts! Again! I guess it’s just habit by now. I don’t even remember doing it, but I do have a cut on my knee, apparently from scissors.

I guess the moral of THAT story is this: Imagine a bear lost in the city. Now imagine the bear wandering around inside a Nieman Marcus Outlet. First, the bear stumbles into the menswear section and finds himself a nice silk tie, a monocle and a fine Italian worsted wool suit. He completes the look with a dashing beret and a pair of Ugg boots. Next, he saunters over to the knick-knack section and eats 4 packages of hard-boiled eggs another customer left there on accident. Then, the bear rambles into the women’s lounge, sits down on the couch for about 10 minutes, gets up, washes his hands and walks back to the menswear section. He realizes that he looks ridiculous in his human finery, so he takes it all off. Now, standing unclad in the Nieman Marcus Outlet, he stares malevolently around, grabs a pair of jean shorts and walks out, never to be seen again.

I’m just saying, IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

When Worlds Collide

So after years of putting it off, I finally bought myself a new computer on Saturday when it turned out that I needed one to finally finish the stuff I was doing for my sister. It's a white macbook, because if there's one thing I like about buying computers, it's paying extra for something pretty. I would be blogging this blog on it if I weren't sitting at my desk eating oatmeal for lunch. So it goes.

Anyway, I did finish the stuff for my sister. It was the first and most likely the last freelance graphic design work I've been paid for. You can see it here or here if you really want. Yay textbooks!

When You Wish Upon a Star

I've had a grueling schedule around here of late. Take this last weekend for instance.

Friday Night: I don't remember.

Saturday: Something or other and then some bike riding.

Sunday: More bike riding and grilling.

I'm exhausted just looking at that schedule. No wonder I only ever post here once a month. Well, that and the fact that

Return of the Roving Machinations of the Giant Bottle of Rye

Just like most things that happen, the title of this post doesn't mean anything.
However, from time to time, something does mean something. Like yesterday, when I went to Costco. Going to Costco meant that I was one hundred and something dollars poorer and Dickety-two consumer items richer. It was quite enlightening to realize that.

So at least I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Sixteen Tons, and What Do You Get?

So, I was reading this book the other day. It was pretty good.

Then, after I finished reading the book, I listened to a new CD. It was pretty good, too. Then I listened to it again and it was a little better.

After that, I went to work. It was pretty good.

After I got home from work, I went to some store or another. I was pretty good. Not as good as NOT going to the store, but better than eating a shit sandwich.

Then I started finishing another book. It was pretty good in a different way from the other book that I finished.

Then I went to work again.

Lies All Mixed Up With Omissions

So it's not Tuesday. Sue me already.

Things People Searched For That Lead Them Here (Well, Not Here Exactly, But Rather to Somewhere in The atonofbricks.blogspot.com File Library) And The Exact Page to Which The Search Results Directed The Intrepid Searchers

1. PEOPLE KILLED IN A BIG HOUSE NOW IS HAUNTED MEXICO MONCLOVA


2. Zach 3years Genius


3. Manthong Photos


4. Mama Cass died of Ham Sandwich


5. Trombone Hemorrhoid


6. What stores carry honey i shrunk the kids on dvd


7. "Historical Global Temperatures"


8. Jiffy Pop popcorn Meijers


9. Peter Bulanow Budweiser


10. Short reviews of diary by chuck palahniuk


11. zipconnect itower