Arbitrary Day Combeth

So, as you probably know, I participated in the Reddit Secret Santa gift exchange this past Christmas season. It was fun. I got some "cheese" and "sausage" and gave a woman in San Francisco a rainbow-colored, It Gets Better-supporting collapsible hoop dancing hoop. Good times were had by all. It is the biggest Secret Santa gift exchange in the universe (unless, of course, the universe is actually infinite. In that case there exists at least 1 planet with a secret Santa gift exchange that is bigger) assuming that there are even any other planets that have a Santa. Well, even if there aren't any other planets with Christmas and Santa, it would still be the biggest by default.

Anyway, I also plan to join in the fun this Arbitrary Day. So, to my Arbitrary Day Giftee (who has basically zero chance of ever seeing this blog, let alone this specific post): I promise that your gift will include at least one (1) comb of some kind and at least one fictional story about something that will not be less than 4,000 words and will include the selective use of not fewer than 10 fonts (to include Papyrus, Comic Sans and Verdana). I mean, your gift will also include something else, too, probably, unless the comb is MADE OUT OF GOLD!

In Which a Day Burns Out

You know a good way to waste a perfectly usable Sunday afternoon? Go to the stupid ER because you're stupid worried you might be dying because your stupid heart is beating erratically and super-fast and you're all dizzy and sweating like a sieve (does that even make sense?) and then not too long after they admit you, it kinda goes away and it turns out you probably just drank to much stupid caffeine but you have to sit there and talk to them and say "no, I don't snort cocaine" and they take stupid blood out of your stupid arm and then put stupid saline into your stupid arm and then they finally let you go home but not until after you wasted 3 stupid hours of your stupid life.

Not that I would know.

Raindom Paicture Fraiday: Back of the Boat

So, here we go again, right? Do you remember the drill? First I go to Drew's Livejournal Random Picture Generator, then I choose a tasteful picture from among the many taste-free pictures (It's like finding a diamond in the rough, and by that I mean it's a total waste of time), then I put it on this blarg.

VOILA!!!! (or is it "VIOLA?" I'm not all that good at orchestrating clever puns.)

This appears to be the result of some kind of torpedo attack or something. Probably those danged Somali pirates.

Step 3: Put a picture of that darn dog in the random picture

Step 4: ???????

Step 5: PROFIT!

Step 6: Lose all the profit in an acrimonious dispute over arcane accounting rules in an assiduously planned pyramid scheme. (That was for all of you out there that are studying for the SAT!)

Step 7: File a complaint with the SEC about the refereeing at last year's Alabama-Florida game

Step 8: File a complaint with another SEC about the pyramid scheme.

Step 9: ?????

Step 10: PROFIT!

And there you have my foolproof ten-step method for making money.

You're welcome.

Rememberance of Things Past

BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON
BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON
BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON

You know, I was just thinking, it’s been three years since went to one of the best parties I’ve ever been to. Almost exactly three years ago, we were preparing to leave DC for the northern wastes of Detroit, Canada. So our great friends in the current snow capitol (well, actual Capitol, too, I suppose) of the country threw a pretty great going away party. There was karaoke and some of it was even custom written for us! There were some beers, some scrapbooking, some kids.

It’s kind of hard for me to believe that it was three years ago that we left. That’s half my son’s life (almost)! Hell, my daughter has NEVER been there and she’s almost a year old. I feel like this post is getting a little melancholy, so I’d better wrap it up (in Bacon, so it’s more delicious).

Anyway, it was a great party three years ago, and I’m afraid our going away party in Michigan won’t be quite as good. Hopefully our “welcome back” party in DC next month will make up for it.

BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON
BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON
BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON

I Tried So Hard.

Pictures seem to be taking way to looooooong to upload. Thus, instead of putting pictures in my own blog post, I will provide you with links to some other pictureful posts.

Adah

Levi


How's that for efficiency?

You Might Remember a Little Thing Called THE FRENCH JEAN SHORT REVOLUTION!

At this most wonderful time of the year, I often like to recollect things. Last year I tried recollecting all the 1987 Topps baseball cards, but then I remembered that collecting things is pretty lame, let alone REcollecting.

So I decided to reminisce instead. It was way more satisfying. I reminisced so much that I threw my back cortex out! First I reminisced about ye olden times when I used to wear jean shorts. That was pretty cool. Then I reminisced about The Dark Ages (birth - 4), but that didn’t take very long. It turns out that all my memories from that period are actually just photographs. I guess you could say I have a 100% photographic memory of those ages!

Finally, I reminisced about Saturday when I took los kids (that's Mexican for "the kids") to the Henry Ford Museum. They had this Lego Castle Adventure exhibit that had big ol’ bins of Lego bricks for any/everyone to dig their hands into and build stuff with. In retrospect (which is what reminiscing is all about), these bins seem like a bad idea. Unless Lego bricks are naturally self-disinfecting. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure they are not.

Verbal Abuse

So, for the second time this year, somebody yelled at me from a car while I was riding my bike home from work. The first time was very predictable. Some kids driving an old, beat up Pontiac passed me going the opposite direction. One of them leaned out the window and yelled "FAGGOT!!" I was very disappointed. I mean, come on! That's some of the laziest name calling I've ever heard. No class, no panache, no originality. I don't mind being called names by dumb kids, that's what they do. I just wish they would add some flair to their insults. Maybe next time, try yelling "

But yesterday was much stranger. Some dude in his mid-to-late 20s leaned out of the passenger window of a Dodge Charger and yelled "Nice helmet, Lance!" My feelings were not hurt, but I was confused. I assume he was being sarcastic because if there is one person on earth who doesn't look like Lance Armstrong it's, well it's this guy..


But next to that dude, it's gotta be me.

And why did he choose to mention my helmet? I palp a very normal/cheap helmet. It's just a Giro Indicator in the black colorway, like this one.


If I were wearing this thing, I could see him mocking me. I would mock me.




But I'm pretty sure I look pretty normal. True, I do have a road bike and so does Mr. Armstrong. But I don't wear lycra, I don't wear bibshorts, and I don't wear bike jerseys, though I will admit that, yesterday, I was wearing a homemade Apple computer t-shirt, and maybe that's worse than lycra.

My only conclusion is that the guy doesn't like helmets, which is like a trail rabbit not liking pomegranates; no matter how you look at it, it doesn't make sense.

This is What The Internet Sounds Like

Probably NSFW.

Like the internet.

http://coworkthailand.com/say/

A Stitch in Time Saves Money

Thanks to all the hard work I've been doing I can finally relax and tell you all a story of yesteryear.

Once upon a time, I woke up feeling an uneasy combination of guilt, pride, fear, hope and pants. It was today, and the first question I asked myself was "why are my pants still on my body?" The second question I asked myself was "what am I so afraid of?" The third question was "Boy, I sure hope I can eat some fun-size Snickers today! I wonder if anybody will bring some to work in a bag full of other candies? The first answer was that I climbed into bed with my pants still on and fell asleep. The second answer was that the whole of my life lay before me like an open book, only instead of words leaping off the page, fire leaped off the pages.


Then I put the fire out and took a shower and went to work. Just like every other day save Saturdays, Sundays and election days.

The third answer was "yes."

Speaking of election days, I worked at town hall on Tuesday counting absentee ballots. I learned a lot of things about the way our democracy works. First of all, there are many stringent qualifications to be a team leader of the Absentee Voter Counting Board. They are

• Age: 60+


• Little to no basic math skills


• Ability to consistently function incoherently


• No sense of urgency or civic duty

At first I was all proud to be doing my part in our electoral process. Then, when I realized who actually operates our electoral process, I cried a few alligator tears. Then I counted some ballots and listened to people talk about their favorite subjects: TV, idiots, fear, TV again, celebrities, other idiots, and food. Hooray democracy!

Oh yeah. I'm going to be the father of a girl in another 20 weeeks, so I've got that going for me.

Fifteen Four and A Double Run for a Doz

You totally won't believe this, well, maybe you will, but I totally played in my first ACC-sanctioned cribbage tournament last weekend. I got worked over like a iron horse shoe on a blacksmith's anvil. I went 8-14 with 17 points and 1 skunk. But I was about two standard deviations outside the mean in terms of age, senility and probably incontinence, so I had that going for me.


I'm going to try again in September and I'll let you know how it goes.


It will go exactly the same only hopefully with some more beers to calm my nerves.

Seven Minute Socks

So, today is the fourth day that I've ridden my bike to work. From my house it's about twelve-and-a-quarter miles to my trailer. Last Thursday, I made the ride in 1 hour and 6 minutes. Today I made the ride in 1 hour and 4 minutes. So, one day, 2 minutes off my time. I gotta keep that up because, well, check out the chart.



After only 34 days of riding I will be getting to work in, literally, no time at all. Saving gas money and time! How about that!

The Coming Spring-pocalypse

So, recently I've been looking forward to the start of spring. Granted, it's still over a month away here in Northern South-eastern Michigan, but that's okay. Part of my looking forward to slightly warmer weather ("slightly warmer" means "probably no snow") is that I want to get outside and go camping and other white person stuff. One of the activities I particularly want to learn how to do is orienteering, the art of navigating the woods with only a topographical map and a compass. I believe it's a skill that will come in very handy at some point in the future if I have to walk my way from Kentucky to, uh, anywhere other than Kentucky. Thus, to learn a new skill I went to the first place one goes to when one wants to learn a new skill. Yep, the internet. However, I got distracted and started reading webcomics and looking at horrible, horrible pictures. Since the information superhighway didn't have an exit for my destination, I decided to go where poor people go to learn things. Yep, the library. At the library they had a whole section on outdoor, white person skills. There were at least two books on orienteering. On the cover of one of them, there was this chick in a brightly colored spandex outfit looking at a compass and jogging through the woods. On the cover of the other one there was this dude in a brightly colored spandex outfit looking at a compass and jumping over a log. If that's the official uniform, I am having severe second thoughts.

The Return of The Roving Machinations of the Watching Movies and Then Pretending to Write Reviews that People Pretend To Read

Here are some brief Reviews of the movies I've watched in the last dickety-two days.

Treasure Planet - Like Treasure Island but IN SPACE! The blend of computer and traditional animation is a little offputting, but extraordinary in a way, since it seems like such an obvious idea but nobody else does it.
5 Pieces-of-8 out of 9

Treasure Planet - Better the second time through, "By tunder."

Casino Royale - Definitely the best James Bond movie starring Daniel Dubbleishsomething. I really like how they made torture and murder look bad. You don't see that every day anymore.
A Straight Flush

Treasure Planet - Okay, this is getting old.

Treasure Planet - When exactly is this movie due back to the library?

12 Monkeys - This one makes way more sense if you don't fall asleep in the middle of it and wake up when Bruce Willis is naked in WWI. By the way, if you've always wanted to see Bruce Willis naked and getting scrubbed down and naked in a filthy trench, this is the movie for you. Also, when you watch this movie you officially get bonus points if you point out that it was based on the 1960's French move La Jetee.
9 out of 12 Monkeys

Treasure Planet - .....

Control Room - A documentary about media coverage (specifically Al Jazeera) during the lead up to and beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom: Persian Gulf First Blood Part II starring John Rambo? Snoozefest. Bombs, guns, dead journalists, bi-polar extremism, war is bad, the end. Interesting if only for the fact that it's fun to watch peoples' reactions to things they thought/believed/knew would never happen. But not that interesting.
11 gain knobs on a 32 channel sound board.

Treasure Planet - I give up. It's my new favorite! The centroid of the mechanism is important though, so at least I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Look Out Your Window, I'm On Your Street

Remember when I used to have a thought of the day on here?

This should have been one.



toothpastefordinner.com

This is Not a Joke, So Please Stop Smiling

Sometimes when you're lying awake in bed at 2 or 3 AM and thinking about the state of things, do you ever come to that conclusion that maybe, just maybe, all things considered, being as honest with yourself and the world as you can, the best answer to life, the universe and everything is, in fact, nihilism?

What??? Me? Heavens no! Where did you get that idea? Did you not read the question?? I specifically asked if you ever thought that, not if I did.

Honestly!

Wacky Wednesday Weading: Yesterday was Tuesday

Consensuses of Absurdity: Neodialectic textual theory in the works of Gibson

1. Gibson and subcapitalist capitalism

“Narrativity is part of the dialectic of reality,” says Bataille. It could be said that if cultural modernism holds, we have to choose between constructive Marxism and Derridaist reading. Reicher[1] implies that the works of Gibson are modernistic.

In the works of Gibson, a predominant concept is the distinction between figure and ground. However, several theories concerning neodialectic textual theory exist. Debord uses the term ‘constructive Marxism’ to denote not materialism, as Derrida would have it, but submaterialism.

It could be said that the subject is contextualised into a cultural modernism that includes art as a reality. If neodialectic textual theory holds, we have to choose between cultural modernism and dialectic capitalism.

Thus, the characteristic theme of the works of Gibson is the common ground between class and sexual identity. The subject is interpolated into a presemioticist theory that includes narrativity as a paradox.

It could be said that Marx’s model of constructive Marxism states that the task of the poet is significant form. Any number of sublimations concerning not theory, but neotheory may be revealed.

Therefore, Bataille uses the term ‘cultural modernism’ to denote a mythopoetical whole. Many narratives concerning neodialectic textual theory exist.

2. Constructive Marxism and dialectic deconstruction

The primary theme of la Fournier’s[2] critique of postconceptualist Marxism is the role of the artist as writer. In a sense, Geoffrey[3] implies that we have to choose between dialectic deconstruction and submaterialist rationalism. The premise of neodialectic textual theory holds that sexuality has intrinsic meaning.

If one examines constructive Marxism, one is faced with a choice: either reject dialectic deconstruction or conclude that the Constitution is capable of intention. Therefore, Debord uses the term ‘constructive Marxism’ to denote the failure, and some would say the absurdity, of cultural sexual identity. Lyotard suggests the use of dialectic deconstruction to read language.

It could be said that neodialectic textual theory suggests that culture may be used to disempower the underprivileged, given that art is distinct from truth. Any number of theories concerning the bridge between sexual identity and society may be found.

In a sense, Sontag’s essay on dialectic deconstruction states that sexual identity, ironically, has significance. If posttextual narrative holds, we have to choose between neodialectic textual theory and capitalist prepatriarchialist theory.

Thus, constructive Marxism implies that discourse comes from the masses, but only if Marx’s model of neodialectic textual theory is valid; if that is not the case, Lyotard’s model of structural materialism is one of “Marxist class”, and thus elitist. Lacan uses the term ‘dialectic deconstruction’ to denote not dematerialism, as neodialectic textual theory suggests, but postdematerialism.

3. Gibson and dialectic deconstruction

The characteristic theme of the works of Gibson is the failure, and subsequent fatal flaw, of neopatriarchialist class. Therefore, the main theme of d’Erlette’s[4] essay on neodialectic textual theory is the difference between society and class. Several desublimations concerning constructive Marxism exist.

In a sense, the subject is contextualised into a posttextual socialism that includes reality as a totality. The premise of constructive Marxism holds that culture is intrinsically responsible for capitalism.

But Parry[5] implies that we have to choose between dialectic deconstruction and the conceptual paradigm of consensus. Foucault uses the term ‘precultural dialectic theory’ to denote the paradigm, and some would say the stasis, of neocapitalist sexual identity.

Thus, the subject is interpolated into a dialectic deconstruction that includes art as a reality. Bataille uses the term ‘constructive Marxism’ to denote the role of the participant as reader.

1. Reicher, M. (1971) Constructive Marxism, libertarianism and the pretextual paradigm of expression. Cambridge University Press

2. la Fournier, Y. W. B. ed. (1993) The Absurdity of Society: Constructive Marxism in the works of Fellini. Oxford University Press

3. Geoffrey, R. I. (1981) Constructive Marxism and neodialectic textual theory. Panic Button Books

4. d’Erlette, Y. ed. (1995) Structural Theories: Neodialectic textual theory in the works of Tarantino. And/Or Press

5. Parry, E. I. (1984) Constructive Marxism in the works of Rushdie. Yale University Press

List Tuesday: I am Not Hungry Anymore

Here is a fun time. This is a fun time. Don't we all like a fun time?



The Top Five Combinations of Things You Can Buy From the McDonald's Dollar Menu for Five Dollars or Fewer.

5. 1 McChicken, 1 Double Cheeseburger, 1 small fry.

4. 1 Sundae, 1 McChicken.

3. 2 McChickens, 3 Small Frys.

2. 1 Ice cream cone.

1. 10 pies.



Things About Which You Do Not Care

1. There are seven pieces of scotch tape stuck to my desk right now.


2. Christus Victor is a theory of.......ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


3. One time, my friend drank 3 liters of pop and then puked all over my bathroom.


4. A puss catepillar is poisonous.


5. The largest elephant on record was shot in Angola in 1974 and weighed as much as 3 billion ants.


6. Today is the MLB All-Star Game


7. With an apple a day, after three days you could juggle the apples.


8. You get bonus points if you can eat the apples while juggling them


9. This is harder than it looks


10. If you were just a couple inches taller, maybe you could dunk.


11. To an ant, a stack of a million dollar bills is larger than the universe.


12. e^(pi*i)+1 = 0


13. Now there are nine pieces of scotch tape on my desk


14. The transition from laminar to turbulent flow occurs around a Reynold's number or 2300


15. I used to read Star Wars novels.


16. Whenever a door shuts, a window opens.


17. The above is not true.


18. Nor is it clever


19. Of all the people in the world, why me?


20. Why. Me.


21. Did I tell you about that time I saw a truck's wheel fall off on the freeway?


22. No?


23. It was cool to the max.


24. It has been 800 years since Genghis Khan rose to power in Mongolia.


25. 32 oz. pops from AM/PM used to be called "Thirsty-twos." Maybe they still are


26. Every second, more than 10 cars catch fire due to global warming.

When I Survey the Wondrous Blog

Get it? I put "blog" in the title of the post! It's meta!

Anyway, it's still SURVEY WEEK here at ATOB so we'll keep on surveyin'. Only now it's going to be a big communal performance art/survey thing! How's that sound everyone? Here's the deal. We are communally going to write the best survey in the history of mankind. When someone answers it and then you read their answers, you will have a perfect picture of their true selves. If you meet them for the first time after you have read their responses it will be just like you are the oldest friends. This survey will bring world peace. This survey will be the world's best matchmaker, not Orly. This survey will play jazz trombone. This survey will eat your babies. This survey will divide by zero. This survey will crush your soul.

So, I will write a couple of questions and then everyone who reads this (and I mean everyone. If I check my site meter and I have more visits than comments, I will come and hunt you down and...um....do something that justifies the cost of a plane ticket to Prague or wherever) gets to chime in with more questions of your own devising. Then, we will compile them into one giant survey the likes of which the world has never seen. It will dominate the cluttered world of user generated online surveys, a world that is rife with Harry Potter and anime garbage. Then we will all post it on our blogs and MySpaces and Livejournals and stuff. Then we will give it it's own webpage which will look really cool and simple and iconic. It will get more traffic than Google. We will need a million warehouses full of servers to hold all the responses. Soon we will all go down in history as the group (or cohort, is that cooler?) that wrote the survey to end all surveys. Future generations will worship us as prophets, much like the Wyld Stallyns were worshipped in B&TEA.


This is the beginning of the greatest survey. It is called: From Time Immemorial

1. What is worse: Going to your favorite restaurant, ordering your favorite steak only underneath the steak is a scabby band-aid. Or?______________________

2. Do you like me [YES] [NO] Circle one.

3. What percent of all paper clips that you come in contact with do you unfold?

4. What are your five favorite movies? (Legally Blonde does not count)

5. Have you ever left a pair of underwear in the forest?

6. If zombies were real, would you be afraid of them?

7. How many Cold Cut Combos could you eat in a day?

8. How many times have you lost your keys in an article of clothing you are wearing?

9. Do you like almonds?

10. Does God exist?

11. Is there something better than pie?

12. What were/are the economic, social, and political consequences of Marbury vs. Madison?

13. Age?

14. Sex?

15. Location?

16. In your opinion, is there always room for one more, or not?


Okay, now it's your turn you ingrates. I don't think you realize how great this survey will be yet, do you? It will be everything I have claimed. One warning though. DO NOT ANSWER ANY OF THE QUESTIONS UNTIL THE WHOLE THING IS COMPLETE! I think that's obvious, but some of you might not. I'm just saying.

Walkin' Down To Camptown

So, the brickfamily and I went camping this weekend in West Virginia. It was cool. The first time we've ever been camping in a deciduous forest, so we had that going for us.

I won't bore you with everything we did but here's a couple notes from the trip.

Have you ever seen those "tractor crossing" road signs? No? Me neither, until this weekend. They look like this....

I know what you are thinking: "that's a cute little sign with a generic guy in a cool hat riding on a generic tractor." Well guess what, you are wrong. I saw the sign model this weekend. He lives in Virginia, right near the WVA border and he drives a John Deere. He's even cooler in real life than he is on the sign. Seriously.


When we ran out of ice in our cooler, we decided to drive down to the near-by town of Wardensville. After about a mile (after 4 miles of dirt road to get back to the highway) we had to pull over and make sure we were headed the right way. For a minute I thought we turned the wrong way and instead of heading further into West Virginia we had ended up in South Carolina. I guess that's just what happens when I see two confederate flags flying on specially installed flagpoles in front of a house. It turned out that we were going the right way and that there are just racist hosers in West Virginia too. I'm kind of scared to go back. Also, since, in addition to ice, we needed to find somewhere to drop off our bag of trash, we thought the best place was all over the lawn of the racists. So I'm really afraid to go back.

On Saturday, we decided to go find another campground listed in our awesome book (someone has already written this book for Washington State. I wanted to do that!). It was about 20 miles from the one we were staying at (which totally ruled by the way). On the way there we passed through what can only be described as the suburbs of Wardensville. Along the way we saw a roadkilled something-or-other. Knowing what I do about the folks in West Virginia (this was just after we saw the Confederate flags), we decided we should probably stop, pick up the roadkill and go give it to someone. They eat that stuff for dinner right? But, the Brickson was asleep, so we figured we'd better not stop this time. When we came back, it was gone, so I guess somebody got it.

This has nothing to do with camping really, but Ryan and Holly, if you ever read this (I know you don't), I wanted to let you know how much of an influence you had on our son. The whole trip he wanted to "listen to Ryan and Holly singing!" He likes to sing along to the guitar parts (doo-doo-doo-dooo-dah-doooo) and gets really excited when he hears the "hollycup." I think he means "melodica" with that last one, but I'm not sure. Everytime a song ends he says "what's next, daddy? What's next?" So, all this to say, thanks, because now I don't have to listen to crappy kids music for two straight hours. I bet you didn't know you were making kids music, did you?

List Tuesday (part 1)

10 Activities You Will Never See Listed in a "Fun Things to Do With Toddlers" Book

1. Have scissor races! Make sure the scissors are open as you run around outside.


2. Play Garbage-bag Head family. Your toddler will be the baby bag-head, so use a plastic shopping bag so they can still walk around!


3. Re-enact the biblical story of Joshua! "...Come near, put your feet upon the necks of these kings. And they came near, and put their feet upon the necks of them....And afterward Joshua smote them, and slew them, and hanged them on five trees: and they were hanging upon the trees until the evening."


4. Play Go down to the corner and give this money to Shawn and bring back some of mommy's "special Candy."
   


5. Go downtown, find a homeless bum and beat the crap out of him. And then empty his change cup, because he doens't need it now.
   


6. Read illustrated erotic novels together.


7. Teach your children how to use a bottle of hairspray and a match to make a wicked awesome flamethrower.
   


8. Snape Kills Dumbledore.


9. Teach your toddler to bartend! Tequila shooters are a good place to start.
   


10. You never know what kind of cool stuff other people might throw out. Go around the neighborhood checking everybody's trash cans for neat treasures. If you find anything tasty, go ahead and eat it!