This is What The Internet Sounds Like

Probably NSFW.

Like the internet.

http://coworkthailand.com/say/

A Day Late and A Day Short

Man, if I would have just made this post yesterday like I planned on. I would have won.

Stupid NPR, now everybody (everybody white, at least) knows about Stuff White People Like. And while I'm not an official White Person, I hope to be someday when I get a job at a non-profit that helps/knows what's best for poor people.

I think my favorite thing about the site is that it lets white people feel either more or less white than other white people, which are both things that white people like! You can't lose!

But deep down, the blog (do white people like blogs?) gives really good advice about how to interact with white people to make them feel good about being white, which is a very kind thing to do, really. With this help, I might even be able to pass as a white person now.

Turn Off Your Smoke Machine

Warning: This post will discuss the single biggest failing of the modern American Christian church. If you can't take it, then stop reading now and save yourself. If you can take it, let's start a movement to end this horrible abomination.


Simply put, the single biggest failing of the modern American Christian Church is not any of the following:

1. Leadership


2. Fundamentalism


3. Guns


4. Stale Communion Bread/wafers (this one was close)


5. Reticence to change

No, it is not any of these. It is the architecture. Modern American churches by and large have the most boring, uninspiring, unhelpful architecture in the history of the known church universe. Let me "explain."

If I wanted to let everyone know that I was an obnoxious, horrible douche*ag (edited for content), would I drive a Jetta with a broken mirror and wear 5-year-old socks? NO! I would wear crisp power suits with red and blue striped ties, have a faux-hawk, drive a BMW 325xi (or maybe the Z4 convertible if I was going for the douchebag/tool difecta) and probably have a Hill badge displayed prominently on my person at all times. (Side note, by driving a Jetta with a broken mirror and wearing old clothes, I'm saying that I'm totally not in any way a douche).

Likewise, if the modern church is serious about it's beliefs that it and It alone hold the keys to the knowledge of good and evil (God = good, funky buttlovin' = evil, pants = ????*) then the church buildings need to show it. If the way, the Truth, and the Life is through the church, let me know, man. I mean, Jesus H. Christ, if I knew all this important stuff about Jesus H. Christ, I would write it in big letters and perhaps statues of sinners burning in hell all over my church. Come on McLean Bible, give the people what they want need. Admittedly it's probably hard to simulate eternal hellfire but there's gotta be something you could do other than look like a mall (actually, there may be something to this....aw, never mind). At least try to be majestic or something like the Crystal Cathedral.

When it comes right down to it, the modern "traditional" American church is the only church movement/body/pantaloon in history to not match it's architecture with it's theology. here a just a few examples"

1. The Catholic Church - Huge, ostentatious cathedrals, some even built with the bones of their enemies**.
   What is says: "We own you. God lives here and we own him too. Plus, we have a truckload (cartload? Popemobileload?) of money, so we've got that going for us. Plus we have cool miters, so we've got that going for us."



2. Islamic Mosques - Tall minarets, domey looking things.
   What it says: I don't know. I don't speak Arabic.



3. Good Ol' One Room Clapboard Baptist Churches - "One Room Clapboard Churches" kinda says it all.
   What it says: One Room Clapboard Churches. Simplicity. Something to do with water or immersion, or squirt guns or something. Also potluck dinners that the same person will bring the same pot of spaghetti to every month for 50+ years.



4. "Emergent" "Churches" - so many options to reflect who they really are!
   
   • Coffee house - "Look how cool we are! We meet in a coffee house! A secular coffee house!"
   
   
   • An Old Warehouse - "Look how cool we are! We don't care at all about our image!"
   
   
   • And old unused church building - "Look how cool we are! We're 'subverting' the mainstream church!"
   
   
   • Strangely, for all the gushing over the "ancient-future" idea, I have yet to hear of an "Emergent" church that meets in underground catacombs like the authentically ancient Christians did. That would actually be pretty awesome.
   
   
   
5. Episcopalian Church - I don't know, something vaguely English/Celtic looking.
   What it says: "If you liked Lord of the Rings, you might be Episcopalian***!"



6. Unitarian Universalist - Anything they damn well want to build.
   What it says: "Do you like it? If not, we'll change it so you do like it!"

So come on mega-churches of America, take back the mantle of "most important buildings in the city!" Show the people what you're about! Bring out the Left Behind-style corpse dummies. Kill Persecute a Muslim. Fight in the Holy War! You've got a soul, now be a soldier! Or a construction worker!




*The Southern Baptist Convention recently published a document disavowing its former stance on the necessity of wearing pants. Pants-wearing is now technically a "greyish area" as defined by the bylaws of the Convention.****

**Could just be the bones of dead parishioners, teh internets were unclear on that point.

***If I am confusing Episcopalian and Anglican, please forgive me since I don't really care at all which is which.

****Not actually true. Pants are still required at all times.

Where'd You Get That Point of View

So, as usual I found some stupid thing in the tubes today (thanks reddit) that is claiming to be the first image ever published on the world Wide WEB!!! Supposedly Tim Berners-Lee uploaded it back at CERN or something. Anyway, here it is.



However, I happen to know for a fact that this is NOT the first image to ever appear on the web. In truth, the first image to appear on the web is one of the oldest images in the history of mankind. It has crossed cultural and millennial borders, it has reached even the most remote of societies. In fact, some sociologists believe that this image is actually a part of what makes us human, part of our very identity. The first record of this image is found in cave paintings from the neo-paleolithic era, as seen below.


Even in this very early form, the image was always accompanied with a warning against masturbation. The characters below this version can be roughly translated as "Whenever thou [indecipherable, assumed to refer to autoeroticism] SunGod kills a kitten."

We also find records of this image nearly 5000 years later in frescoes produced at the height of the Roman Empire, as shown below. However, at this hedonistic point in history, the warning was reversed and read (in Latin) "Eneverwhay ooyay ontday asturbatemay, Aturnsay illskay a ittenkay."


After the fall of the Roman Empire and the rise of Christian Nation-state in the 5th century CE, all art was religious in nature and paintings of non-God related material were essentially forbidden. The warning remained and in this examplar piece of medieval art read "Everye Time Thoue Masturbateste, God Killse His Son."


Eventually, as the Enlightenment gained ground, art became more focussed on the natural as opposed to the supernatural, giving God's creation the primary spot as opposed to God himself. The impressionist era was, in many respects, the culmination of this naturalistic style of painting as it boiled art down to the essential substance in the universe: light. Monet (Painter of Light TM) finally brought this iconic image back to life. It is unclear whether or not he was aware of its prevalence throughout history. Most art historians agree that he was not and consider it one of the great masterpieces of humanist-impressionism. This was the first (and only time in the historical record) that the image was not accompanied by any warnings, in fact, rumors abound that Monet painted it primarily with his own semen, so.....


And finally, as all good things must, this picture showed up on the internet. And, like all things on the internet (including this very post) it is almost irredeemably stupid. In fact, the existence of this monumentally moronic proto-image, this meta-idea in the human conscience is used by many to justify a hard nihilism. Many Christian groups believe that God put this image into our DNA to test us and that the fossil record shows this image to be no more than 65 years old at the most. Carbon dating is unreliable.

I Think About You

I just don't know what to think any more. I thought I had seen the world's best and worst commercials. I thought I was immune to the efforts of the Global Marketing Elite. I am not. I saw this advert two days ago and the song is still reverberating around my head. Make it stop. Except you can't make it stop. I'm pretty sure it's a secret government plot to beam these sorts of things into our head with high frequency radio waves that can make us hallucinate. That way we are under control when the inevitable Malthusian collapse comes along right about...........NOW!



Flea Market!

Montgomery!

It's just like,

It's just like,

A mini.............MALL!

Of course, I would be remiss not to mention that one of the leading conspirators in the Global Marketing Elite is, without a doubt, the Vatican William H. Gates III, Jr. of Microsoft infamy. It's Windows 386, beotch! (Yes, this is real)


*there are 6 links in this post

Random Disturbing Picture Friday

Get ready, people. It's not very often that I do this, but this post definitely needs...

Seriously, this random picture is horrifying. Make sure all your children are out of the room before you look at it...









I'm not kidding. It will warp them for life.








Okay, don't say I didn't warn you.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Morrissey! Run!




And to think I used to think this picture was disturbing.



UPDATE:Okay, fine Mike. Here you go.

When I Survey the Wondrous Blog

Get it? I put "blog" in the title of the post! It's meta!

Anyway, it's still SURVEY WEEK here at ATOB so we'll keep on surveyin'. Only now it's going to be a big communal performance art/survey thing! How's that sound everyone? Here's the deal. We are communally going to write the best survey in the history of mankind. When someone answers it and then you read their answers, you will have a perfect picture of their true selves. If you meet them for the first time after you have read their responses it will be just like you are the oldest friends. This survey will bring world peace. This survey will be the world's best matchmaker, not Orly. This survey will play jazz trombone. This survey will eat your babies. This survey will divide by zero. This survey will crush your soul.

So, I will write a couple of questions and then everyone who reads this (and I mean everyone. If I check my site meter and I have more visits than comments, I will come and hunt you down and...um....do something that justifies the cost of a plane ticket to Prague or wherever) gets to chime in with more questions of your own devising. Then, we will compile them into one giant survey the likes of which the world has never seen. It will dominate the cluttered world of user generated online surveys, a world that is rife with Harry Potter and anime garbage. Then we will all post it on our blogs and MySpaces and Livejournals and stuff. Then we will give it it's own webpage which will look really cool and simple and iconic. It will get more traffic than Google. We will need a million warehouses full of servers to hold all the responses. Soon we will all go down in history as the group (or cohort, is that cooler?) that wrote the survey to end all surveys. Future generations will worship us as prophets, much like the Wyld Stallyns were worshipped in B&TEA.


This is the beginning of the greatest survey. It is called: From Time Immemorial

1. What is worse: Going to your favorite restaurant, ordering your favorite steak only underneath the steak is a scabby band-aid. Or?______________________

2. Do you like me [YES] [NO] Circle one.

3. What percent of all paper clips that you come in contact with do you unfold?

4. What are your five favorite movies? (Legally Blonde does not count)

5. Have you ever left a pair of underwear in the forest?

6. If zombies were real, would you be afraid of them?

7. How many Cold Cut Combos could you eat in a day?

8. How many times have you lost your keys in an article of clothing you are wearing?

9. Do you like almonds?

10. Does God exist?

11. Is there something better than pie?

12. What were/are the economic, social, and political consequences of Marbury vs. Madison?

13. Age?

14. Sex?

15. Location?

16. In your opinion, is there always room for one more, or not?


Okay, now it's your turn you ingrates. I don't think you realize how great this survey will be yet, do you? It will be everything I have claimed. One warning though. DO NOT ANSWER ANY OF THE QUESTIONS UNTIL THE WHOLE THING IS COMPLETE! I think that's obvious, but some of you might not. I'm just saying.

Surveying the Landscape

Well after yesterday's horrendous trainwreck, I decided that all surveys should be written by someone less prone to random capitalization. That someone was to be me. But then I remembered that I already created the best survey in the history of the internet.

It was in 1994, and I was in the 8th grade. We just got our new Mac 9600 or something like that and decided to hook up with AOL. Shortly thereafter, I, know as Milhouse[some number], created the following survey, which spread like rabid fire across the barren landscape of survey-less AOL chat rooms and is still in use today (maybe.)

Here it is:

Age?
Sex?
Location?

OR

A/S/L?

Utterly brilliant, no?

In Which I Reveal My Darkest Secrets

Hey, did you know that MySpace is an internet thing? Well it is. And people like to take surveys and I like to take surveys so I took a survey. I thought, going in, that both MySpace and Blogger were as inane and stupid as possible and that any cross-pollination could only make them both better. I was wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. When future civilizations look back to determine at what point the internet became fatally stupid, I'm afraid this post conflating blogs and MySpace will be it. I'm sorry. I got this survey from my brother's MySpace "page," so you can blame him.


By the way, go add me as a friend in MySpace! I want to have more friends than anybody and I am doing pretty well. After 7 months, I have 8 friends! [somebody] Tequila, here I come!

ALL ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Schuyler
Birthday:	November 23
Birthplace:	Yakima
Current Location:	DC
Eye Color:	green
Hair Color:	brown
Height:	brown
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	white
The Shoes You Wore Today:	black
Your Weakness:	brown
Your Fears:	No more pie
Your Perfect Pizza:	Pagliacci
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	brown
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	phrase
Thoughts First Waking Up:	brown
Your Best Physical Feature:	When they take your blood pressure.
Your Bedtime:	brown
Your Most Missed Memory:	When I ate that wheat thin just now
Pepsi or Coke:	brown
MacDonalds or Burger King:	brown
Single or Group Dates:	sequential
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	It's iced, not ice.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	WHERE IS:
Do you Smoke:	My coffee?
Do you Swear:	Where is it?
Do you Sing:	Yes
Do you Shower Daily:	brown
Have you Been in Love:	yes
Do you want to go to College:	brown
Do you want to get Married:	no
Do you belive in yourself:	Can you restate the question? Yes, I believe that I exist in an ontological manner, and yes I believe myself when I say things, unless I know I am lying. And wait a minute, why are there no inappropriate capitalizations in this question. Do you not believe in me? You don't? I am going to go cry now.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	brown
Do you think you are Attractive:	brown
Are you a Health Freak:	brown
Do you get along with your Parents:	yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	brown
Do you play an Instrument:	yes
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	brown
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	brown
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	brown
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	yes
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	brown
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	Yes. I just stole several minutes of your time. Loser.
Ever been Drunk:	brown
Ever been called a Tease:	brown
Ever been Beaten up:	no
Ever Shoplifted:	no
How do you want to Die:	brown
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Oh God, would you survey writers stop capitalizing recklessly? Please.
What country would you most like to Visit:	Critter
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Maybelline Plum Red
Favourite Hair Color:	brown
Short or Long Hair:	brown
Height:	yes
Weight:	brown
Best Clothing Style:	no
Number of Drugs I have taken:	brown
Number of CDs I own:	less than a trillion
Number of Piercings:	brown
Number of Tattoos:	brown
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	1. Doing this survey. Why would I go and do that? That is such a stupid thing. What am I, stupid? That is so stupid.