Random Picture Friday: His Fangs Have Been Pulled

Just so you know, this is a picture plotting three thousand random numbers. For random picture friday. I kill me!







Also, just so you know, yesterday's stupid "poem" wasn't about anything or anyone. I hope you all realize this is always the case.

List Tuesday: I am Not Hungry Anymore

Here is a fun time. This is a fun time. Don't we all like a fun time?



The Top Five Combinations of Things You Can Buy From the McDonald's Dollar Menu for Five Dollars or Fewer.

5. 1 McChicken, 1 Double Cheeseburger, 1 small fry.

4. 1 Sundae, 1 McChicken.

3. 2 McChickens, 3 Small Frys.

2. 1 Ice cream cone.

1. 10 pies.



Things About Which You Do Not Care

1. There are seven pieces of scotch tape stuck to my desk right now.


2. Christus Victor is a theory of.......ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


3. One time, my friend drank 3 liters of pop and then puked all over my bathroom.


4. A puss catepillar is poisonous.


5. The largest elephant on record was shot in Angola in 1974 and weighed as much as 3 billion ants.


6. Today is the MLB All-Star Game


7. With an apple a day, after three days you could juggle the apples.


8. You get bonus points if you can eat the apples while juggling them


9. This is harder than it looks


10. If you were just a couple inches taller, maybe you could dunk.


11. To an ant, a stack of a million dollar bills is larger than the universe.


12. e^(pi*i)+1 = 0


13. Now there are nine pieces of scotch tape on my desk


14. The transition from laminar to turbulent flow occurs around a Reynold's number or 2300


15. I used to read Star Wars novels.


16. Whenever a door shuts, a window opens.


17. The above is not true.


18. Nor is it clever


19. Of all the people in the world, why me?


20. Why. Me.


21. Did I tell you about that time I saw a truck's wheel fall off on the freeway?


22. No?


23. It was cool to the max.


24. It has been 800 years since Genghis Khan rose to power in Mongolia.


25. 32 oz. pops from AM/PM used to be called "Thirsty-twos." Maybe they still are


26. Every second, more than 10 cars catch fire due to global warming.

L i s t T u e s d a y

A Bunch of Things I'll Probably Never Do, so what.

1. Play professional basketball


2. Eat a million pounds of steamed crab


3. Stop writing this stupid blog at the end of the month


4. Juggle more than 8 apples


5. Throw a baseball more than 1,000 feet on the fly. I've yet to top 800


6. Star in a Broadway Show about the life and times of Edgar Rice Burroughs


7. Care who Edgar Rice Burroughs is


8. Fight fire with fire


9. Lose more than one SmarTrip card at a time


10. Call someone who cares


11. Cry over spilt milk


12. Spill milk


13. Cough up a lungfish


14. Be buried alive


15. Climb every mountain


16. Ford every stream


17. Hold on loosely


18. Walk 35 miles through the desert to find some old sage just to get the chance to ask him one question: "What in the world are you doing out here?"


19. Shoot flames out of my ears


20. Think that Bono isn't a tard


21. Play chutes and ladders. It's Snakes and Ladders or nothing for this guy.


22. Fly to Nebraska


23. Drink a whole bottle of vodka in one sitting


24. Work in this town again


25. Join forces with evil

Random Thoughts Friday

Now, don't get your hopes up. I'm not starting a whole new feature here, I'm just harnessing the power of my rapidly deteriorating brain. I'm coming down with a bad (based on what the Golden Girl has been going through) head cold, which means that my brain is not functioning at its normal high level. Instead, I can't follow one train of thought for more than a few seconds before it derails. Fortunately, this facilitates the creation of a random thought post. So, yipee!

I think that "blogosphere" is a totally apt word, since it reminds me that the world's collection of blogs makes up a huge, floating cloud of crap.

I'd rather be at Disneyland.

The Frosty may be the world's most perfect food.

I've never been to Spain. I haven't been to Oklahoma either, dammit.

Some days, I just can't figure out how I'm going to make it through. I just want it all to end.........Ha Ha Ha! I had you going there didn't I? Maybe I'll start a new feature in which I impersonate other types of bloggers. That was my self-absorbed 15 year old boy with a mean father style. I can't wait to try out celebrity photo blogging!

How come Blogspot's spell checker doesn't recognize "blog" or "blogger" or "blogging?"

Is it sad that I've spent my whole life living in, if not cities, than at least towns? Should seeing a deer or a rabbit or something really be that exciting?

Have you ever noticed that anyone that has one of those big trampolines ends up calling it "the tramp?" "Okay kids, let's all go jump on the tramp!"

The other day, we saw this really weird bug in our house. It had lots of legs, was flat and wide, and was super fast. I think it was just a centipede, but still, it's creepy.

I know it's stupid, but that Heineken commercial where the delivery guy drops a bunch of beer and then a dude in bed with some chick says "I don't know, I just feel so sad" cracks me up every time.

I think the phrase "jump the shark" has jumped the shark.

I have a fake tooth. Once, it fell out of my head and I had to go to work with a missing front tooth. I told everyone that it was knocked out while I stopped a robbery at the 7-11. This was in, like, week two of the first real job I've ever had.

I thought for a second that I'd be disappointed that the new SAT can have scores as high as 2400. Now no one will be impressed with my score anymore. Then I realized that I took that test 8 years ago, and no one ever really cared about it.

Sometimes I can't help but feel proud of myself for being smart. Oh, trust me, I am.

If you think it's a good idea to let your toddler go down an old-school swingset slide while sitting on the trailer of a big toy semi, you're wrong. It's really, really not. If you are kid thinking that it would be fun, you're wrong too.

I have a crash test dummy bobblehead sitting on my desk at work.

Remember the Crash Test Dummies? Mmmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm Mmmmmm. Once there was this girl who wouldn't go and change with the girls in the change room. How was that song ever popular?

Remember the Crash Test Dummy toys? Those things were cool. So were the M.U.S.C.L.E toys.

I hate it when it rains here in DC. At the tiniest drop of rain, everybody pulls out these giant, canopy-sized umbrellas and pokes me in the eye. I think they're doing it on purpose.

I used to live in Seattle. If you've never been there, please stop imagining it having rain pouring down all the time. That is so not the case. It's actually just six months of soul crushing drizzle from October to April. In fact, on average, it rains 7 more inches per year in DC than it does in Seattle.

How cool would it be to have a fake eye you could freak people out with?

Okay, here's an experiment for you. Put your iPod on shuffle and just listen. This is a good way to remind yourself how awesome a lot of older bands are. Like the Who. John Entwhistle, Keith Moon, and Pete Townshend are the best rhythm section ever.

Hats off to the new-age hairstyle made of bones. Hats off to the use of hats as megaphones. Speak softly, drive a Sherman Tank. Laugh hard, it's a long ways to the bank.

I've never, ever tried any drugs. I hope I'm not missing anything really cool.

No, I'm not counting alcohol as a drug. Or pseudoephedrine. Or Doritos.

Have you ever seen the movie Straw Dogs? It's really good, but kind of hard to watch. But it has Dustin Hoffman going medieval and some English dudes, so it's cool.

I wish I could be part of a blogger clique.

I wish I lived in an Ivory Tower, because I bet it would be worth a lot of money. I mean, it's ivory!

I think the term "golden parachute" is really stupid. Gold is heavy, so I don't think it would work as a parachute at all. I think the term should be cashmere parachute or something.

The time is right for dancing in the street.

All you anti-Wal-Mart protesters out there, don't you think it would be a better protest if you let Wal-Mart build a store and then just boycotted? It would be pretty embarrassing for Wal-Mart to have to close a store because nobody went to it. Oh, wait. That's right. You all are just an extremely vocal minority that try to prevent everyone else from being able to shop there.

This post has gone on just about long enough.

I think the saying "(blank) is the new black," is really fun to use with completely inappropriate things. For example "Oak trees are the new black."

Okay, on that note, this post has definitely gone on long enough.

Random Thoughts from a Tired Mind

People always laugh when someone orders a Big Mac meal with a Diet Coke. "What's the point?" they think. Well, by getting Diet instead of Regular Coke you can reduce your overall caloric intake at the meal by more than 20%.

Parking in the District is so much easier if you don't have any qualms about stopping wherever you want and turning on your hazard lights.

Why is it that almost every employer in the country provides free coffee? How did this start, and did the coffee cartel have anything to do with it?

When coffee is available for free, why do so many people insist on buying a Starbucks (or similar) coffee every day? At $4 a day, it can be a pretty expensive habit.

I think ending a sentence with any more than six exclamation points is overkill. Wow, really!!!!!!! See? Too many.

Yesterday at church I got to do the announcements (and a few other things). This is a post my father has held at his church for as long as I can remember. I guess it must just be in my blood. Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind turning out like my dad. He's a pretty good guy. I think I'm going to avoid the bushy beard he had when he was my age though.

Nothing makes my day as much as when my son wakes up looking for me to give me a kiss.

I think mixing up old proverbial sayings is fun. Watch. Never beat a gift horse in the mouth. A bird in the hand is worth a pound of cure. A stitch in time spoils the broth. See how much fun that is? Okay, now you try.

Even if I became the most famous blogger in the whole wide world, I would still never write a book related to it because, come on, that's just stupid.

The new Harry Potter book was simultaneously unputdownable and disappointing.

It's practically impossible to go to Chipotle and not eat way too much. And no matter how many times you go there, eat too much, feel ill afterwards and swear never to go back, you'll do the same thing again.

When I was younger I used to play hackey-sack with my friends after school. What was I thinking? That game is so dumb!

No matter what anyone else says, I still think So I Married an Axe Murderer should be considered one of the top three comedies of all time. The other two are Some Like it Hot and The Jerk.

The worst comedy ever is definitely Master of Disguise, which is too bad because Dana Carvey had so much potential.

I think the best way to answer the phone is by saying "ahoy!" but I always chicken out and just say "hello."

Pirates were so two years ago. If I hear somebody over the age of 15 say "Aaargh, matey," I think I might not be able to stop myself from punching them.

Appetite for Destruction is a really, really good album.

I really love my wife.