Earth Day 2008: The Phantom Menace

Did you know that today is Earth Day 2008? Well, I did. I remember because somewhere in my brain I've stored the fact that April 22nd is the day that I'm supposed to care about the earth The Earth. It's a lot like Grandparents' Day except that I remember when Earth Day is.

Anyway, I wanted to show The Earth that I cared, so I gave him/her (The Earth is creepily androgynous, kind of like a horribly stereotyped "goth" teenager. Actually, exactly like a nonexistent stereotype of a "goth" teenager.) a call.

The Earth: Hello?

Me: Hello? The Earth?

The Earth: Yeah, what do you want.

Me: Oh, nothing really. How are you doing.

The Earth: How am I doing? Do you even need to ask? I would think that in your superb understanding you would know that my soul is full of a rainy miasma.

Me: I see. I hate those miasmas. Well, I just wanted to let you know that I care about you, okay?

The Earth: You don't care about me! Nobody cares about me! The world is a vampire slowly sucking my lifeblood. Nobody understands my magick or my rainy soul. I hate you.

Me: Okay, talk to you later.

The Earth: .....

Me: Goodbye.

The Earth: Can I have $50?

Me: Goodbye. *click*. Damn teenagers.

So there you have it. A totally worthless experience. Maybe I'll try back in again in a couple billion years. The Earth has a lot of growing up to do right now.

P.S. Did you know that if you stopped eating meat, started growing food in your own garden, started biking to work/school, used a clothesline instead of a dryer, changed all your light bulbs to CFLs, and started wearing sweaters because you turned your heat down to 60 instead of 70 it would make exactly zero difference to The Earth?



Not that I'm saying not to do those things. I mean, I'm even doing some of them. Just don't think they're going to make any kind of a difference.

People Just Liked It Better That Way

Boy do I feel special today!

Get this: not one, but TWO of my very favoritest bloggers in wholest widest world linked to me today: Mike and Rusty. Now Mike linking to me isn't that uncommon but it's still special. Rusty on the other hand rarely links to anything but real, important kinda stuff. If you can call the Washington Times real....or important...but anyway.

Now, as all narcissistic bloggers must, I monitor my traffic from time to time. Here, in chart-a-rific fashion is what happens when either of my much more famouser friends (I did meet Rusty in person once and yes he was wearing a BoSox hat. No sweater vest though, sorry).



As you can easily see, my blog traffic is ego-crushingly low. Not that I care about that. But when I get links? Shooooooot, it practically goes through the freaking roof! Yeah!!

If only I had AdSense on this thing. I could have made, like, almost a dime.

What Time Is It

I love when people use the old adage that "even a broken clock is right twice a day." That is, like, the best backhanded compliment ever.

But how come nobody ever points out the corollaries to this?

1. A non-broken clock is right all of the time.


2. If the clock is broken because the minute hand fell off, it will never be right in a million billion (a quadrillion) years.


3. If the clock was set for 24-hour days, it will only be right once a day


4. If it's a digital clock and the battery died, it will always be [blank] o'clock and thus never correct.


5. There is no such time as 12:00.

Street Nonsense

Yesterday, as I am wont to do from time to time, I purchased a copy of Street Sense (the DC Homeless newspaper if you don't already know) from Charles Nelson, my friendly Metro Center vendor. Amazingly, this was the first copy of the current issue that I had purchased. Well, maybe it's not that amazing since I was in Japan for two weeks. I meant to buy one last week, but all I had was a twenty. I meant to give him the twenty but I wussed out. Money, she's really got a hold on me dang it.

Anyway, one of the feature articles in this edition has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever read. The whole thing is one big long lament about the puny salaries of local homeless non-profit's CEOs. In the article they provided a list of local NPs, their budgets and their CEOs' salaries. It is ridiculous. Some of the CEOs have salaries that take up more than 30% of the total budget! On average their salary takes up nearly 5%. This is outrageous. All I ever hear about are the "exorbitant" salaries paid to the heads of big corporations. I never hear about how non-profit CEOs are fleecing the public. Let's just look at some numbers here.



Just look at that. It boggles the mind! Non-profit CEOs get paid, on average, more than 100 times the amount that CEOs of big companies (I used the top 28 from the Fortune 500) relative to the organizations' budgets. How is that fair? Okay, we're just looking at averages, that's true. Let's look at the medians then. For nonprofits, the median salary as a percentage of organizational budget is 7.5%, that's MORE than the average. For major corp. the median is 0.0162%, LESS than the average. Now are you happy? We looked at median, and it just got worse! Okay, I will grant you that there is one non-profit that pays the CEO $0.00. There is also one that pays the CEO $39,000 on a budget of $121,000; that's more than 30%. Sickening. The most that ANY CEO of a major corporation gets paid, as a percent of revenue, is 0.18% (Valero Energy). And that takes into account all the long term benefits. If we just looked at salary it would be much much lower.


Just for the heck of it, Let's throw out most of the Fortune 28's revenue. Let's only look at salaries vs. profit. Check out the chart.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. As a percent of profits, the CEOs of nonprofits get paid INFINITY PERCENT! That is so incomprehensible, that, well, I can't comprehend it. INFINITY PERCENT! Even the major corporations only pay, on average, about 0.7%.

So all of you out there complaining that Oil Co. CEOs get paid to much and what not. Change your target. It is the non-profit CEOs that are getting paid at levels that are completely out of whack.

Stupid non-profits.

A Ton of Retrospective

Today, I want to take a little time (or a lot, I’m not sure yet) to reflect on the long and illustrious history of this beacon of internet integrity: A Ton of Bricks, the Blog.

It all started back in June. I was bored, and typing things at work makes me sound busy. I’ve got this big old keyboard that makes loud clackety-clack noises when I type, so everyone thinks, “oh, wow, he must be very busy, he is typing so much.” So I thought to myself, “hey, why don’t you write some crazy garbage and then,” and this is the clincher “put it on the internet so everybody can see it?” And then I answered myself, I said, “Self, that might be stupid, but let’s do it anyway!” And thus was born A Ton Of Bricks. Actually, thus was supposed to be born Anthropomorph (a way cooler name, don’t you think?) but that was already taken so I had to think of something else. And what sucks even more is that the Anthropomorph blog really sucks. I mean it hasn't been updated in like, ten months!

Within 4 days, my readership grew by over 500%. I mean, it went from me to me, my wife and three (of four!) friends. One of my friends, Mike, already had his own blog so I could even put a link on my blog to his. It was sweet. It was even sweeter when he put a link on his blog to mine. And from there, things just blew up! My wife started one, and so did everybody else! Literally. I think the ratio of blogs to people in the world is now approximately 15:1. But a lot of those blogs are just trying to sell me stuff like Viagara and real estate and those weird protein shake things. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, things blowing up. Once, I saw a video of a chemical plant blowing up.

Anyway, before we get to my greatest hits and moments from the past four months (you knew that was coming, didn’t you?) let’s do some scientific analysis of my blog’s history. If you are reading this and thinking “he has too much time on his hands,” you are wrong. My watch died three days ago, so I have no time on my hands and it is driving me crazy. Back to the topic at hand (why am I talking about hands so much???), the blog. The following chart shows both the trend in cumulative words written and the weekly rolling average of words per day, that is, the average number of words written per day for the last week.


As you can see, prior to this post, I have written almost 40,000 words. Okay, a lot of those words come from poems I didn’t write, but I still had to take the time to copy and paste them. The bottom line is that that is a lot of words. And they are all completely useless. I could have used those 40,000 words to write the first 75 pages of a novel or something. Instead, I just polluted the internet with worthless tripe. Unless you’re a publishing agent and you like what you see, then give me a book deal! I will turn you down flat, but then I can tell people at parties that I was offered a book deal by a big company but I turned them down because I am not a sell-out. Unless the money is big enough. Then I’ll be a sell out. Also, please notice that there are no long term trends in the rolling average of words per day. I guess that means I’m pretty consistent. Although there is a trend that I never write anything on the weekends. That’s because I’m not at work. My overall average words per day is 364.7. On days that I make a post, the median is 444 words. The following chart shows how that is broken up among the days of the week.


I guess it should come as no surprise that I apparently get more and more bored as the week goes on, that’s why Friday has the most words. And I know that I just claimed not to write on the weekends, but those average numbers for Saturday and Sunday are just vestigial results from my first few weeks when I had so much to say that I just had to write on weekends.

Finally, to give you a good idea of how the words are distributed in terms of words per day, the following chart shows the frequency distribution of words per day over a range of values.


You can see that this distribution is definitely not normal. It is very highly skewed to the left, and would probably be best modeled as a Poisson distribution, since it is indeed discrete. A Poisson distribution is defined as a discrete probability distribution that expresses the probability of a number of events occurring in a fixed time if these events occur with a known average rate, and are independent of the time since the last event. If you don’t believe me, check this out smarty-pants. I’d estimate the lambda for this distribution, but I don’t really feel like it.

So, after hitting you over the head with some pointless and inconclusive statistical analysis, let’s get to what we all came for in the first place. Remineshen….Reminescences….Reminiscences. There, that’s got it right!

So, follow me as we step back in time and relive some of A Ton of Bricks greatest moments.

This beauty is from July…. “And I was like, "weird, man." Could it just be a coincidence that, within ten minutes, we had seen both the original song and the spoof version ON THE VERY SAME TV???? No way. I figure that the universe was about to "do me in" or something, but at the last minute, totally wussed out because it had grown accustomed to my face. Lucky for me I've got such a lovable face.” That was such an awesome post!

And do you remember this one from July 15th? “And to think that this post started off in my head as a social commentary on why yuppies and hipsters are so stupid. Maybe next time I guess.” I don’t even care what the rest of the post was about, yuppies and hipsters ARE stupid! Ha ha ha!

I still stand by this quotation! “Even if I became the most famous blogger in the whole wide world, I would still never write a book related to it because, come on, that's just stupid.”

And who can forget my first List Tuesday post? You know, the one that included this nugget of wisdom? “The black squirrels that can be seen in various places in the district, especially in the northwest, are not indigenous to the area. Although they are the same species as the common grey squirrel, the black variety were originally brought down from Canada around the turn of the 20th century. Much like the all-too-common Labatt's Blue.”

Let’s not forget this one! “So I take the exit, turn right towards where I can see the truck sitting at a stop sign waiting for me. The following conversation ensues.

Me: Is something the matter?

Him: Can I interest you in a blowjob?

Me:..............Ummmmmmmm..................What??????

Him: Can I interest you in a blowjob?

Me: No! (while simultaneously flooring it)”

And then, remember when I introduced Random Picture Friday? That was so cool. “I stumbled across this little beauty: Livejournal pictures (I'd put the link directly to the post, but I don't know how. It's about 2/3 of the way down the April archive). This post contains the link to a great little page that shows you the last 40 pictures uploaded on Livejournal by anyone, anywhere. It is......fun, to say the least. Here ya go. Enjoy. Please note that some people post some really weird (alright, sick) stuff to their Livejournals, so watch out.”

And I know I still don’t like the misuse of irony! “Rain on your wedding day.
Not ironic, it just sucks.

10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Not ironic. What would be ironic is if you had 10,000 knives yesterday, but you needed a spoon.

A free ride, when you already paid.
How could it be a free ride if you paid? Not only is this not ironic, it doesn't even make sense!

A death row pardon, two minutes too late.
Okay, that is ironic.”

And now, for my penultimate hit, that one time when I wrote about that one thing, remember? “Anyway, in reading this biography I have been formulating a horribly hackneyed and clichéd theory that dying or killing yourself will make you more famouser than other people. The following are a few unresearched and undocumented and sketchy case studies to "prove" my point.” Yeah, that was great.

And now, for the my greatest hit, I know you all remember this one….. “It is very highly skewed to the left, and would probably be best modeled as a Poisson distribution, since it is indeed discrete. A Poisson distribution is defined as a discrete probability distribution that expresses the probability of a number of events occurring in a fixed time if these events occur with a known average rate, and are independent of the time since the last event. If you don’t believe me, check this out smarty-pants. I’d estimate the lambda for this distribution, but I don’t really feel like it.” That one is so good I almost peed my pants.

Actually, there's probably some more good ones, I just got tired of looking. If you have any favorites that didn't show up on this list, let me know so I can read them and then do a total retread of them and pretend it's a new post!

Well, peace out, y’all.


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