Memory Lane Monday

Go back in time with me, if you will, to about 48 hours ago. Back to the time that I attended a huge anti-war rally on the National Mall in Washington. Well, not so much attended as walked by, but that’s just semantics. Also, watch as I lounge in that soft-glow wonderland of lazy comedy: making fun of people. It’s like taking candy from a baby. By that, I mean it’s really easy.

While attending/walking by the rally I noticed four distinct groups of people:

1. The Hippies: These guys (and gals) are hard to miss. Some of their hallmarks are long dreadlocks, stupid-looking floppy hats, inscrutable fashion choices and horrible body odor. Note to hippies: there is nothing pro-war about taking a shower. Seriously. The other thing about the hippies is that they don’t seem to know what they are protesting at any given time. Whether this is because they attend protests nearly every day or because they are just hopped up on goofballs, I don’t know. Anyway, it’s hard to know what to say when you see this group protesting everything from sweatshop labor to high tuition (sometimes at the same time) at an anti-war rally. Stop diluting the message folks, and save it for the WTO protest or whatever.


2. The Aging Hippies: They’re old, they’re bold, and there’s nothing you can do about it(but please don’t put us in a nursing home). This group used to be the same as the first group, and they still grasp for any straws that connect them to their halcyon protesting days. I guess 30 years of soul-crushing selling out to the Man will make you do that. Most are probably content to live vicariously through their children, but a few, the proud few, still take that freak flag and fly it high, though they are decidedly less freaky now. But really, you guys, can we come up with something new? I seriously heard a group of these folk marching and chanting some golden oldies (much like the people themselves!) like “Hell no, we won’t go.” DUH! Of course you won’t go. First of all, I imagine that after a protest march, most of you need to go home and soak your aching joints and fake hips for a while. Not exactly prime fighting machines. And second of all, there’s no draft going on right now! Nobody has to go if they don’t want to. Get with the times people! And please, please update your chants. Maybe you could go with “Hell no, if there’s anything we can do about the poor and disenfranchised redneck idiots who think it would be fun to shoot some Iraqis won’t go.” If you don’t think that this is how these people look at those that voluntarily join the armed forces, well, you’re wrong.


3. The Upbeat Socialist/Communist Recruiters: There’s nothing more to say about these people, really. I mean, misguided though they may be, at least they tend to be friendly and happy. Enjoy your socialist utopia man. Unfortunately, I didn’t see any LaRouchians there. Sucks, because I really like those dudes.


4. The Normal People: Happily, this group made up about 80% of the crowd. It’s nice to know that it’s not just a herd of freaking weirdoes (I know, it looks weird, doesn’t it? But according to MS Word, "weirdos" is incorrect.) that are against the war. Mostly, it’s everyday people like you and me. Not that the media portray it like that. As far as most people know, these protests are big freakazoid-oramas. Makes for better news, I suppose.

There was one thing that united all four of these groups (and the gaggle of angry ignorant teenagers and anarchists): anti-war sign and/or t-shirt and/or button carrying and/or wearing. At an anti-war rally. I can hear the conversations now… “Hey man, is that an anti-war sentiment your placard is displaying?” “Yeah, brother, I’m straight up anti-war! I’m guessing by your t-shirt that you are too?” “Right on, dude! How weird! I mean we’re both anti-war!” Come on people, that’s like wearing a t-shirt of the band whose concert you’re at and driving around in the parking lot, pre-show, with said band’s music blaring from your cheap Wal-Mart speakers. O-V-E-R-K-I-L-L. Not to mention annoying. Now, of course, I’ll make an exception for those that were actually marching. Bringing the message to the masses is important. That’s like wearing a t-shirt of the band whose concert you are at, only it’s one of those “4 Bands, 4 Bucks” local Battle of the Bands thing and your friend is in the third band and you want everyone to know how cool they are. Not that the marchers get off scot-free mind you. Please, please, please, if you are going to march in a protest to make people see the horrible mismanagement of an ill-conceived war, design signs that are less ill-conceived and mismanaged, because if you don’t, no one will listen. Seriously, I saw a sign that looked like this…


I had to look at it for like 30 seconds before I could figure out what he was trying to say. I can’t tell if he was trying to be clever or if he was intentionally obfuscatory. Either way, the sign sucks. Just go with something simple, like “Bring the Troops Home Now” or even “Bush Sucks.” At least that way I’ll get your point.

[It was about at this point that Blogger ate my post. This is my second draft, and let me tell you, my first “hopped up on goofballs” joke was much better. It should be interesting to see if my posts get better the second time through, or worse. Compare the rest of the post with the first part to find out. And let me know, because if I get better having had my post get deleted, maybe I’ll just go and get my post gotten rid of every time!]

Let’s move on now to the speakers, or orators, or hacks, whatever you want to call them. The first one I heard was a guy named Jim Highsomethingorother. I hope it was Jim Highlander because I couldn’t see him and I like to imagine him looking like Steven Seagal and carrying a big ol' sword and chopping heads. Not very anti-war, but it is freaking awesome. Anyway, I think Steven Seagal would have been a better speaker too. Seriously, this guy stunk. Of course, he went with all the staples, Bush lied, people died, blah blah blah. But then he started talking about the troops and how the Administration is saying that they can’t find enough people to fight the war (I don’t even think they really said that, but I refuse to do any research to find out) and that that is stupid because, what about the Bush twins? And the Bush nieces and nephews? Basically, he went so far as to suggest that all politicians who support the war should have their families conscripted. Wait, no. Not “basically” and not “suggested.” That is exactly what he said should be done. Reinstate the draft. Good thinking you idiot. What pissed me off even more is that the crowd cheered. The crowd that was made up of mostly draft-aged people cheered at the idea of reinstating the draft. I shed a single tear.

Cindy Sheehan went on next. You know, the mother of a dead son who likes to camp in Texas and ride on a bus? She managed not to say anything offensive. Or anything, for that matter. I honestly believe that I could go up in front of a crowd like that and prattle off a bunch of pre-approved, noncommittal, generalized talking points. I mean, how hard could it be? That’s what frustrates me most about these protests. Nobody says anything. We already know that you think the war is bad. We already know that Bush lied. Tell us what we should do about it. What are your ideas to hasten the return of the troops? Do you have any, or do you just like talking to big crowds and having them cheer your words? It’s the same reason Kerry lost the election. All sentiment and no concreteness.

At that point, we left the protest area and wandered further down the Mall, so I don’t know how the rest of it went. I did see the reflecting pool though. It’s really not that majestic when it’s full of greenish duck poop. Also, I saw the Vietnam War Memorial. It’s pretty touching. Let’s hope we don’t need a wall that big by the time GWII is over.

Here are a few more notes from the protest.

1. Litter was everywhere. I really hope the organizers had a clean-up crew on hand for post-protest janitorial duties, because leaving a mess and leaving a good impression are probably mutually exclusive.


2. Seriously, hippies. You’ve got to do something about that smell. And stop playing hacky sack.


3. I wanted to hear Le Tigre play, but I didn’t.


4. When walking back to the Metro station, the band I heard on stage sounded like a mix of the Beastie Boys and Rage Against the Machine. Or in other words, the best band in the world according to me about 8 years ago. Now? I thought they sucked.


5. The McDonald’s on the corner of F St. and 13th was the only fast food restaurant open in the Metro Center vicinity. And it was packed. And it was under staffed. And it was full of people from the protest who are also probably against huge multi-national corporations and low-wage labor treatment. I didn’t see anybody being nice to the poor McD’s employees though.

Well, that’s it. I can’t believe I rattled on for more than 1,600 words! That’s got to be some kind of record for me! Also, if anyone reading this works for, or knows someone that works for the Washington Post Express, please try to get me published in the Blog Update section. If there’s one thing I want in the world it’s to get about infinity comments. Also, I would feel validated if I could get just one troll who would leave nasty comments on every single post that I make. How sweet would that be?