Lies All Mixed Up With Omissions

So it's not Tuesday. Sue me already.

Things People Searched For That Lead Them Here (Well, Not Here Exactly, But Rather to Somewhere in The atonofbricks.blogspot.com File Library) And The Exact Page to Which The Search Results Directed The Intrepid Searchers

1. PEOPLE KILLED IN A BIG HOUSE NOW IS HAUNTED MEXICO MONCLOVA


2. Zach 3years Genius


3. Manthong Photos


4. Mama Cass died of Ham Sandwich


5. Trombone Hemorrhoid


6. What stores carry honey i shrunk the kids on dvd


7. "Historical Global Temperatures"


8. Jiffy Pop popcorn Meijers


9. Peter Bulanow Budweiser


10. Short reviews of diary by chuck palahniuk


11. zipconnect itower

Makes No Difference if You're Right or Wrong

In which I present to you approximately 14th hand a video that will make you lose a good chunk, or perhaps all of your faith in legislation. However, if you, like me, had absolutely no faith in legislation to begin with, you won't lose any faith. It is metaphysically impossible to have negative faith in something.

I think.



My only comment is, who knew running the government was so much like playing a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos????

Look Out Your Window, I'm On Your Street

Remember when I used to have a thought of the day on here?

This should have been one.



toothpastefordinner.com

List Tuesday: You Always Like it Undercover

Sloganish Phrases On Various Products Scattered About My Work Trailer

1. Kills 99.99% of Germs!


2. Coffee's Perfect Mate!


3. New Look, Same Great Taste!


4. With CLENZAIRE: Unique Odor Eliminator!


5. Outperforms Ordinary Paper!!


6. Easy to Insert!


7. Enhanced with Minerals for Taste!


8. The Intelligent System for Carefree Printing!

I've Always Told Lies For Love

The other day, actually yesterday I think, my son told his first ever approximately correct joke. It went like this...

Person Telling The Joke (PTtJ): Knock Knock
Person Not Telling the Joke (PNTtJ): Who's there?
PTtJ: Popcorn!
PNTtJ: Popcorn who?
PTtJ: Popcorn Chicken!

Granted, it's not very funny but it's way better than what he usually does, which goes something like this...

PTtJ: Knock knock!
PNTtJ: Who's There?
PTtJ: Jiffy Pop Train to pick up a dog at the station!
PNTtJ: Jiffy Pop Train to pick up a dog at the station, who?
PTtJ: I screwed it up!!!

And now that that's out of the way, how was your weekend? Uh huh, uh huh. You're kidding! No, he couldn't have! OMG. Yeah, the weather was nice around here, a little cold at night, but I think my tomato plants survived. Yep, still going good, I've got more basil than I can shake a stick at. Well, half a stick anyway. They are doing fine. The little one is a little sick today, so he stayed home from school. Yeah, well say hi to them for me. Okay. See you later!

I'd say 75% of my interactions with other people are like that. The rest can be tabulated below:

5%: Conversations with my office-mate (an actual person, not inanimate office supplies that I talk to. Don't worry) about how screwed the world is that rapidly veer off course to conspiracy theories that he want to convince me of, many of which are proponentated by David Icke (follow the link, I dare you).

3%: Sports-related conversations in which I try to feign non-ignorance. I typically try to check some scores before coming to work on Monday during football season so I can sound normal. "Whoa, lot of overtime games yesterday huh?" See? It works.

7%: Discussions with my son about what he did at school, whether or not something is cool, what he wants for his birthday, what he did 2 years ago that he appears to actually remember somehow, and jokes (see above).

10%: Discussion with my wife about, literally, any subject imaginable. Once we discussed our mutual interest in a scientific paper on how many bullets it would take to kill a cow based on caliber, shot location, muzzle velocity and firing distance. That's probably one of the more straight forward conversations that we've had. ***Update: I'd just like to confirm that this conversation was purely hypothetical.***

ca. 0%: TV, because I've finally been able to become, as has been a lifelong dream, one of those annoying people that everybody hates who, whenever somebody starts to talk about some TV show or other, says "Oh, I don't even own a TV." Well, that's a slight lie. I do own a TV, but we can't afford cable and we only get one fuzzy channel (ABC, I think) so I'm kind of one of those people by default. But still, I can check that one off my lifetime "To Do" list.

Random Picture Friday: His Fangs Have Been Pulled

Just so you know, this is a picture plotting three thousand random numbers. For random picture friday. I kill me!







Also, just so you know, yesterday's stupid "poem" wasn't about anything or anyone. I hope you all realize this is always the case.

Bad Photoetry Thursday: You Are So Oblivious To Yourself

Well look at this. It's a week of second firsts, or something stupid like that.

White and Pink with Blades of Blue

I've been wondering this for a couple of days.

Who loves America more? The companies that flew their flags a half-staff on Tuesday in memoriam of all the dead people (and soldiers and the million or so Iraqi civilians that have been killed in our "War on Terror"tm, too, I imagine)? Or those companies that flew their flags all the way up at the top of the staff to signify that no terrorists are going to bring us down?

Will Stavlund

When you don't have anything to say, I think it's best to let other people speak for you.


Will
In Memoriam

May 9, 2006 - September 12, 2006
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24

List Tuesday: I Miss The Innocence That I've Known

Ooh! Look! A list! I thought we'd never see one of these again!!

Grey and/or Black Things on My Grey and/or Black Desk

1. My keyboard


2. The buttons on my keyboard


3. My mouse


4. The buttons on my mouse


5. My computer


6. My computer dock


7. My monitor (not the middle part that shows whatever I'm working on, only the rest of it)


8. My stapler


9. My tape dispenser


10. My water bottle


11. A pen


12. A piece of plastic that showed up while I was on vacation


13. My computer bag


14. Another pen


15. Two 25-ton Press punch tips (no, the punch tips don't weigh 25 tons, you smart aleck, the press presses with 25 tons of press force)


16. A cable to plug my speakers into my computer (unplugged)


17. A cable to plug my cell phone into a power outlet (unplugged)


18. The wireless receiver for my wireless keyboard and mouse


19. Some more cables. I can't really see them very well because they are behind my monitor. I imagine at least one of them is the cable for my monitor, because where else would that be?


20. A spring???


21. My phone


22. The buttons on my phone


23. Also, the buttons on my cell phone, but those are only kind of on the desk because my phone is sitting on top of my computer.

Things on My Desk That Have Any Color Whatsoever

1. A picture of my son: many-colored


2. The green frame surrounding picture of said son: green


3. The logo on my water bottle: sort of orangey-red


4. A bunch of tiny, pale yellow post-its: pale yellow


5. The Rubbermaid, I mean Farberware container that, until recently, held my lunch of leftover peppers, potatoes, tomatoes and steak: white with a yellow lid


6. My Disneyland mousepad: mostly primarily colored with a few accents thrown in for good measure


7. A bottle of hand sanitizer because I work in a trailer in the parking lot with no clean running water: white. Well, clear really. (This is not a joke. I truly do work in a trailer. You have to believe me on this one)


8. My monitor, the middle part of it that shows whatever I'm working on: currently mostly white with a little bit of blue and orange


9. Six small green lights on my computer accessories


10. Nothing else

And you wonder why I don't write lists more often?

All My Lies Are Always Wishes

HOW TO TURN A USDA CHOICE SIRLOIN STEAK INTO A SALT LICK

Follow all instructions very carefully

1. Buy some USDA Choice Sirloin steaks on sale at Meijer.


2. Gripe about having to shop at Meijer where everybody is rude.


3. Think, "Wow, it's just like being back in DC except everyone (including me) is fatter!


4. Walk down the baking aisle and note that it is the only part of the store that isn't a zoo.


5. Think, "what is this country coming to when nobody bakes their own food anymore. At least we are not like that. We at least bake our own bread.


6. In a bread machine.


7. At home, 90 minutes before grilling time, take the steaks and pat them dry to remove excess water.


8. In your Crate and BarrelTm granite mortar and pestle, mash together some fresh, homegrown rosemary and some minced garlic.


9. Spread garlic-rosemary mash liberally on one side of the steaks.


10. Cover the steaks on both sides with non-iodized salt so that you can't even see any red hardly ,in order that the water in the steaks gets drawn out by the salt to dry them out so that they taste like prime steaks instead of choice.


11. Let steak sit there for about 75 minutes.


12. Half-assedly rinse the surfaces of the steaks to remove the excess salt and garlic-rosemary mash.


13. Grill to taste.*


14. Taste will be salt.

*At least 4 Rolling Rocks (or similar) must be consumed while grilling. Includes grilling time for dishes other than steaks.

You Were Right About the Stars, Each One is a Setting Sun

You know that line from that Social Distortion song? "With friends like you, who needs enemies?"

Aside from nation-states looking to present a united front against the world, who needs enemies?????

You Are Not My Typewriter

Okay, here's a question for you. Why had I never listened to The Long Winters before? I mean, sheesh, somebody could have told me that I would like them. They are totally right up my insufferable white person, blogging, thinks-he's-too-cool-for-most-things alley! You can even tell all this just by looking at the cover of the album that I stole out of my sister-in-law's former basement bedroom last week. She obviously doesn't need it any more if she didn't take it to San Francisco for college. Probably because, in SF, you're required to act like you're not one of those insufferable people, that you're actually better than them, while actually being one. I can't wait to move there. I would fit right in.

Also, since I've got nothing better to do, here's another list of books that I've read in the last couple weeks.

1. The Road by Cormac McCarthy - Probably one of the most bleak books I've ever read. I think it might be allegorical or something. Even if it's not, it's still a very interesting book. It's one of those post-apocalyptic books that's not really a story about the post-apocalypse era. Nothing is ever explained other than that the Man and Boy have to keep walking and walking because everything has been destroyed. Also it rains a lot. Also, cannibalism.



2. The Devil's Larder by Jim Crace - You wouldn't think that a book of 64 short (some very, very short, as in 2 words short) stories all about food could be very interesting, but it is. To be fair, the stories aren't really about food, per se, but it does play heavily in all the stories. Also, pathos, love, irony, sex, death, poop, poison, comedy and drugs.



3. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley - Huh, turns out I'm probably a Beta, possibly a Beta-plus. If you haven't read the book, that means that I'm born to be a consumer who doesn't like to fix anything and would rather buy it new and who also dislikes the actual country but loves country sports. That way, I buy lots of sporting equipment to use in the country and thus consume more. Spending is better than mending. Also, it's a very funny book. Also herds of midgets and vomiting.



4. 1984 by Erich Blair aka George Orwell - You want a picture of the future? Picture a boot stomping on a human face forever. F'n Big Brother, man. He sucks. Also, I love Big Brother.



5. Welcome to the Monkey House by Kurt Vonnegut - Nothing to say, really, but that this is a collection of short stories. Some are good (The Euphio Question), some are really good (Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow), and some are not so good (I don't remember what they were called). Also, the Handicapper General shoots people with shotguns.



One more thing, to save you time next time I write a list of books that I've read recently you can check the list below of books in my quick trick book stack to see if you're at all interested. Just so you know.

The Quick Trick Book Stack (to be read in no particular order)



• The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath


• The Population Bomb by Paul Erlich


• A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn


• Raising Cain by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson


• Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson


• The Final Solution by Michael Chabon


• The Unconsoled by Kazuo Ishiguro


• Narcissus and Goldmund by Herman Hesse


• The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana by Umberto Eco


• Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad


Any more suggestions? Once winter starts next month, there is literally nothing to do but read.