Get it? I put "blog" in the title of the post! It's meta!
Anyway, it's still SURVEY WEEK here at ATOB so we'll keep on surveyin'. Only now it's going to be a big communal performance art/survey thing! How's that sound everyone? Here's the deal. We are communally going to write the best survey in the history of mankind. When someone answers it and then you read their answers, you will have a perfect picture of their true selves. If you meet them for the first time after you have read their responses it will be just like you are the oldest friends. This survey will bring world peace. This survey will be the world's best matchmaker, not Orly. This survey will play jazz trombone. This survey will eat your babies. This survey will divide by zero. This survey will crush your soul.
So, I will write a couple of questions and then everyone who reads this (and I mean everyone. If I check my site meter and I have more visits than comments, I will come and hunt you down and...um....do something that justifies the cost of a plane ticket to Prague or wherever) gets to chime in with more questions of your own devising. Then, we will compile them into one giant survey the likes of which the world has never seen. It will dominate the cluttered world of user generated online surveys, a world that is rife with Harry Potter and anime garbage. Then we will all post it on our blogs and MySpaces and Livejournals and stuff. Then we will give it it's own webpage which will look really cool and simple and iconic. It will get more traffic than Google. We will need a million warehouses full of servers to hold all the responses. Soon we will all go down in history as the group (or cohort, is that cooler?) that wrote the survey to end all surveys. Future generations will worship us as prophets, much like the Wyld Stallyns were worshipped in B&TEA.
This is the beginning of the greatest survey. It is called: From Time Immemorial
1. What is worse: Going to your favorite restaurant, ordering your favorite steak only underneath the steak is a scabby band-aid. Or?______________________
2. Do you like me [YES] [NO] Circle one.
3. What percent of all paper clips that you come in contact with do you unfold?
4. What are your five favorite movies? (Legally Blonde does not count)
5. Have you ever left a pair of underwear in the forest?
6. If zombies were real, would you be afraid of them?
7. How many Cold Cut Combos could you eat in a day?
8. How many times have you lost your keys in an article of clothing you are wearing?
9. Do you like almonds?
10. Does God exist?
11. Is there something better than pie?
12. What were/are the economic, social, and political consequences of Marbury vs. Madison?
13. Age?
14. Sex?
15. Location?
16. In your opinion, is there always room for one more, or not?
Okay, now it's your turn you ingrates. I don't think you realize how great this survey will be yet, do you? It will be everything I have claimed. One warning though. DO NOT ANSWER ANY OF THE QUESTIONS UNTIL THE WHOLE THING IS COMPLETE! I think that's obvious, but some of you might not. I'm just saying.
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13 comments:
Is there a limit to how many we can submit? Here are some from me:
What do you need more of?
How do you feel when you are stuck in traffic and a motorcycle drives by between the lanes?
Do you want a Cadillac Escalade?
What are your feelings regarding 25cent hot dog night?
How often do you take public transportation?
When you were 16 did you find Monty Python hilarious? Do you find them hilarious now?
What's underware? Some computer thing? (not a submitted question; a critique. I think that's obvious, but some of you might not.)
Man, what excellent questions. And Maggie just went and raised the bar another couple notches. Hm! May I have time to think? Because you'd only have to go across the street to maim me, and that frightens me. Very badly, some days.
I'll have to get back to you with some craptastic questions.
OK, before I give you my questions, I have to take issue with #6 on your list. You say, "If Zombies exist..." but man, they do exist. They are real. I learned about them in college. There is even a real, not funny, documentary on Zombies that we had to watch. This is not a joke!
My questions:
Which is scarier: 1) As you are being put under anesthesia for a big, hairy operation, you find out that Mo, Larry, and Curly are assisting -or- 2) You are locked in a room and are forced to watch an endless loop of the same episode of Gilligan's Island
What is the biggest risk you are facing at this very moment?
Can you ever have too much money?
Black and Blue or Black and Tan?
Have you ever kissed a boy on the lips?
Have you ever kissed a girl on the lips?
If they made the movie of your life, what would the title of the movie be?
How many camels fit on the head of a pin?
Who do you like better ... Ben or Jerry?
How many chapters will your book have?
What is your favorite color?
What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
snow skiing: a great sport, or the greatest sport?
can you lick your elbow?
did you just try to lick your elbow or did you already know that it is physically impossible to do that?
1. Will you be in my punk band?
2. Even if my punk band is named POLE-DANCING HEMATOMA?
3. Is Crisco OK?
4. How many times per minute must you remind yourself, "I am not my job"?
5. Is M. Night Shmalayan lame?
6. Were you hugged enough?
7. Are you hugged enough?
8. ARE YOU EVER GOING TO BE HUGGED ENOUGH?
9. Why don't you own a gas mask? Seriously.
10. The Unitatis Redintegratio document of the Catholic Church's Second Vatican Council is desperately important because...
11. Eminem or not?
12. If you're a white person, and you don't listen to much hip-hop, and yet you like the Beastie Boys, what the hell is wrong with you? Don't you realize that the Beastie Boys ARE ELVIS?
13. Are you trying to perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect? If not, whatever else could you possibly be doing with your life that is so important it could keep you from trying to be perfect as your Father is perfect?
(Schuyler, I could do this alllll day.)
Yes! Now we are talking! There is no limit to the number of questions submitted. Kate, we still need to see some from you. And more from everyone else please.
How far away from your home town do you live and how far away would you like to live?
In your opinion, is expensive champagne really better than cheap champagne?
How sad would you be if you ran over a cat?
1. If you were a parasite, would you rather spend your gestational stage in the innards of a cow or the innards of a caterpillar?
2. How high does your volume knob go?
3. Totally rad, totally rockin, or totally sick?
4. What do you know about the Hood of death from Psalm 23?
5. Have you ever followed an exercise regimen to strengthen your core? (include responses to all five W's in your answer)
6. If the only kinds of candy left on the planet were m and ms (original), reeses pieces, and skittles, which variety would be most likely to survive the ensuing struggle for survival?
7. Top three power ballads?
8. Explain the statement "God is good." Support your position.
9. You must be world champion at something. What is it?
10. What is the first pop, rock, or rap song you choreographed dance moves to? What was your signature move?
Dottie, you are completely awesome.
Shelly's quite hilarious, too. Schuyler, is this your friend from Utah?
Well, this doesn't really count as a question ... or does it? (not one of the questions) It involves responses from two people, so I'm not sure it works.
It was a dilemma I pondered the other day, as Matt and I emerged from Chipotle of Manassas:
1) If you're in a relationship, and you and your significant other could redistribute your combined existing weight between the two of you (the girl could give 10 pounds to the guy, or vice versa, of any amount), what do you mutually decide to do?
Oops, see there, I just made a heterosexual assumption. Sorry. It's just the way I think, most of the time.
Hmmm...
2) House, or Gray's Anatomy?
3) Antz, or A Bug's Life?
4) Paris Hilton, or Nicole Richie? (trick question. Best answer is 'neither.')
5) Toward, or towards?
6) Loving and losing, or never loving at all?
7) Coffee, or tea?
8) Or me?
9) Why the hell do people ever waste money on weddings? (oops, sorry. Another unanswerable.)
10) If faced with a police lineup, would you ever, ever in one million years match up Schuyler with his blog, based on appearance?
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