In Which A Ton of Bricks Writes About The News

Okay, before you all start throwing Precious Moments figurines at me, I know I don't write about the "news" very often (i.e. never) but today I have to. Normally I just leave the news to the other 1.5 billion bloggers to beat to death, but today I need to compliment CNN.com on their terrific reporting.

First, this morning CNN (and probably everybody else, but I don't care) started reporting on the least surprising report to ever come out of anywhere in the history of mankind. The second most unsurprising thing ever is that a report this boring was published by the Government Accountability Office (GAO). Anyway, the report claims that, and you are not going to believe this, some of the $1,000 debit cards handed out after hurricane Katrina were NOT used for dire neccessities. HOLY $*%t! I don't believe it! Is the GAO telling us that when you hand out huge amounts of money (and let's be honest here, for most of these people, $1,000 is like a month's worth of money. Or more.) indiscriminantly, some people might use it for $300 worth of Girls Gone Wild videos? That is outrageous! The $600 at the strip club I can understand. Somebody needs to keep those girls in the money. Plus, the liquor there is dang expensive. But it's all utterly predictable! The GAO might as well publish a report that says.....Um.... I actually can't think of anything else in the universe that is this predictable, what with quantum uncertainty and all. Well, to be fair, I understand the Girls Gone Wild stuff. I bet is was mayor Ray Nagin that purchased it to brighten everyone's spirits. Because what says "New Orleans!" like drunk college girls showing their boobs in return for nothing? Well, maybe drunk college guys peeing in the street, but I don't think anybody sells videos of that. Anyway, here's the complete unshocking article.

As a final note, if anyone from the GAO is reading this, when are you going to publish an audit of the FEMA audit. If this report took any longer to write than like, 25 minutes, there was some serious money-wasting going on.


Now I notice that CNN is reporting on another fabulous and important story. Apparently, if you buy a bathroom vanity in Massachusetts at Home Depot, there's a good chance that it's filled with marijuana! How awesome is that? This one contractor bought one and found two 50-pound bricks of wacky tabacky inside (that's a much funnier name than marijuana, plus no one will ever know what you're talking about because it's a secret!) But seriously, 50 POUNDS! Wait, I mean 100 POUNDS! That is a lot of weed. That would keep you in business for, let me see here, at an eighth a day....the next 35 years! Sweet! Maybe I'll drive up to Massachusetts this weekend. Ah.

Getting a new vanity at Home Depot: $250.
Value of 100 pounds of marijuana you found in the vanity: $145,000
Having an eighth a day for the rest of your life: Priceless.

Wait a minute. Did that say $145,000??? Screw "priceless." Give me the money.


Finally, CNN is reporting (and front page reporting at that) on such controversial issues as food labeling.

First, apparently the AMA wants the government to start forcing restaurants and food makers to label foods with more than 480 mg of sodium "high sodium food" or something like that. Yes, I know this fast food hamburger I'm about to eat is high in sodium. That is why I'm eating it you morons! Salt is awesome! A little picture of a salt shaker and the word "high" aren't going to make me think twice. Well, maybe it will. If I see that picture it might remind me how awesome the salt "high" is and I'll buy something that I hadn't planned on buying just to get that extra sodium. If you're going to label anything, it should be my mom. Now there is a high sodium risk if there ever was one. In my house we had two food groups: Salt and Everything Else. I loved it.

The other food labeling story is about KFC. Some Dr. from Maryland (where else) and an organization with a meaningless name (something like Center for Helping, or the Annoying We-know-better-than-you Persons Association) are suing KFC. They want the judge to force KFC to cook its chicken with something other than partially hydrogenated oils. Or failing that, at least tell their customers right before they buy some chicken that said chicken is deathly bad for them. Yes. We know that. Why do you think we eat so much chicken? It's because we want to eat it, clog our arteries, have heart attacks and die as soon as we can to get away from smarmy nincompoops like you people.

Hoyte (the doctor) said he is suing to force KFC to change its cooking practices "for my son and others' kids, so they may have a healthier, happier, trans-fat-free future." If I wanted anyone to have to live a trans-fat-free future, I would just send them to Somalia or something so they would starve to death because there is no point in living without trans fats. They are that good.

And finally, I was going to say that this kind of lawsuit is frivolous because the American people aren't stupid enough to think that KFC is anything but bad for you. I changed my mind, though, when I remembered that a few years ago there was a fried chicken place in the south that was advertising fried chicken as health food. And people bought it. We are that stupid.