Dispatches from the Metro: Magical Happy Land

Just so you, you know, know, the greatest thing ever happened yesterday at about 1:05 PM on the New Carrolton Platform at Metro Center. Let me set it up for you....

A typical six-car train came barreling into the station, just like usual. I was standing towards the "front" of the platform. By that I mean I was standing where the front of the train would stop. I thought. However, as I stood there, I found myself thinking, "dang, that train is going pretty fast!" And fast was it going indeed. So fast in fact, that it didn't manage to stop until the first car was almost entirely past the platform. "Sucks to be the people on the first car," I thought. "I don't think they can get out."

Well, as it turned out, no one could get off the train for about, oh, five minutes. At that point the doors opened. The only trouble was that the doors that opened were not on the platform side, they were on the other side. After about 3 more minutes the real doors finally opened and several people spewed out of the train. And that's when it got amazing and awesome!

So, I walked onto the train while both sets of doors were open. What an opportunity this was! Deciding that I may never have this chance again, I stepped across the threshold into the most incredible land I've ever seen. I don't know if the WMATA uses some sort of cloaking device, but opposite the platform, where you never see anything but a vague light is actually a magical wonderland.

I stepped through the doors and found myself walking amongst lovely trees bearing all kinds of fruit. Except cashews because those things will mess you up with their urushiol. Anyway, it was just like heaven. You know that scene in Happy Gilmore where Adam Sandler goes to his happy place? Yeah? It was just like that. That's the best way I can describe it. Well, not just like it. Adam Sandler wasn't there because then it would have been like hell, not heaven. And there were no midgets because they freak me out.

I wandered for what felt like hours. I saw flying cars that ran on air, talking squirrels discussing dirt viscosity, and even some chick throwing moldy tangerines at a case of wine. It was undescribably beautiful. But in the back of my mind I knew that I needed to return to the train and get my butt over to DOT headquarters. And so, with pain in my heart and the seeds of a longing that will never be fulfilled, I returned to my door. I said goodbye to that place knowing that I would probably never visit again. As I was about to reboard the train, I asked the tangerine chick what this place was called. "Is it Narnia?" I asked. She looked at me like I was some sort of nutbag and said, "No, you dork, this is the real world. Where you live is just a hologram projected by the new world order shadow government to keep the masses under control. It's a conspiracy dude."

Maybe I'll make a documentary. I'll call it "Loose Change."