An Apology in Advance

I know, I know. Back in the day, shortly after the nascence of this blog, I claimed that I would never write about politics, but today I can't help it. Actually, I'm not going to write about politics per se, so this is really a half-hearted apology. But to those of you who have always come here in the expectation that you will not see the words Dick and Cheney used consecutively, I'm sorry. The situation this weekend is too funny not to mention.

So, Dick Cheney, our VP, shot someone in the face this weekend. Sure it was just with birdshot and those little pellets couldn't kill an albino invalid, but he shot someone nonetheless. This opens up so many possible jokes I can't even fathom it! Here're a few that I've been thinking of.

Vice President Cheney Shoots Friend to Prove Toughness
AP Newswire

In an effort to prove to "the terrorists" exactly how tough on terrorism he is, Vice President Cheney shot his friend's face off. The "accident" occurred this weekend during a quail hunting trip. "Let this be a lesson to all you terrorists out there; If I'm willing to shoot my friend's face off, just think what I'll do to you! That's right, I'm crazy!!!! Like a FOX!!!" said the VP in a statement made to the press early Monday morning. Shortly before the press conference, the White House released documents that referred to the carefully planned shooting off of whatever-his-name's face as "Operation Shoot His Face Off." [editor's note: We believe that this is the most dense use of the phrase "shoot his face off" or something similar in the history of the Associated Press. Of this, we are very proud.]

Or how about this one?

Cheney Claims Intelligence Failure In Hunting Accident
Reuters

Vice President Cheney has placed the blame for this weekend's quail-hunting mishap squarely on the shoulder of either the CIA, the FBI or the DIA. According to his statement "[o]ne of those organzations had something to do with it. Maybe the NSA did, too." He claimed that at least one of the aforementioned governmental agencies provided him with faulty information that his buddy Texas Lawyer McLawyerson was actually Osama Bin Laden in disguise. It was not until Mr. McLawyerson said, upon being shot in the face, "Cheney, you bastard!" that Cheney realized his mistake. Shortly after this story became public, the Democratic National Committee responded with a press release stating, "Vice President Cheney is stupid, just like Bush. That's it, we don't ever have anything else to say, you know that!" To which the Republican Speaker of the House responded "Four more years! Four more years! Yee-haw! I love guns!" In a related story, a new video of Bin Laden has surfaced on the internet claiming that he was not in fact with Mr. Cheney at the time of the shooting. Instead he claimed that he was "in Pakistan."

NRA to Hire Cheney as Gun Safety Spokesman
The National Rifle Association announced today that it will hire Vice President Dick Cheney as a gun safety spokesman following his "safe, and mostly harmless" shooting off of a friend's face this weekend. According to the statement by the NRA, "Mr. Cheney's long running dedication to only shooting his friends with birdshot is a strong statement on how important gun safety is to our Vice President." In his first public comments since the shooting, Mr. Cheney said, "guns don't shoot peoples faces off. I shoot peoples' faces off." He then made a weird sort of grimace and pointed a rifle right at the camera.

Cheney Shooting Victim Inks Deal with Roc-a-Fella Records
Harry Whittington, the latest victim in Vice President Cheney's face shooting off binge, has signed a deal with high-powered Roc-a-Fella Records and plans to release a solo rap album under the name Whitty Ca$H. The 78-year-old, Austin-based lawyer hopes to parlay his multiple gunshot wounds into international fame the same way that 50 Cent has: through ridiculous thuggish posing and mediocre to poor rapping skills. "Yo, yo check it. Ca$H is H-O-T hot right now, y'all," said a Roc-a-Fella spokesperson. His first album is tentatively titled "Riches and B**ches: the Whitty Ca$H Lyfe." The first single will probably be "Death and Texas (C-H-E-N-E-Y)"

Okay, I could keep going, but I think that's enough for now, don't you? Dick Cheney: Never ending source of comedy gold. For other people. For me, it's comedy bronze at best.