Friday, March 31, 2006

Relief from Posts Friday



Ahhhh, doesn't this feel good? None of us have to worry about where I might go with this post. It's simple, straight-forward, everything you haven't come to expect from us.

So here's the picture


First, let me be honest; I don't think this picture is original. I am 99% positive it has been chopped. I mean, look at the quality of light on the kid vs. the rest of the picture. But other than that, there are so many things awesome about this picture. Firt and foremost is the chubby kid rocking the guitar! Go kid go! And I love the way that the people in the background appear to be dancing to his rockingness. Especially the guy who is dancing out of his shorts! It's quite strange. And who are two women? The dudes wife and mom? That's just kind of awkward. Is it the wife and mother-in-law? That's even stranger!

I guess the moral of the story is: Don't drink, eat room service, rock out to a kid on the guitar and dance. Just trust me on that on.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Greatest Day in the History of the Blogosphere (We Kid You Not)

We would like to present some laughably bad poetry to maybe help cheer you up. Blogs may not have done anything good in the world, but they keep us entertained, so please don’t stop.




Sonnet #1
by A Ton of Bricks

At times when in this world we find ourselves
Attached to things we know not how to use
I imagine that they were built by elves
Who even now are mending all my shoes
I look on them and then, bestill my heart
I cannot comprehend their work ethic
Because although I wish to do my part
I cannot bring myself to sew or prick
Or hammer into soles those tiny nails
And delicately then undo the knots
That seal my feet and keep them from the trails
Prevent my socks from getting damp in spots
I want to think that all these things are real
But lying to myself is wrong, I feel.


Sonnet #2
by Us

A book in hand is worth two on the shelf
Its words leap off the page like tiny sprites
And gambol in my ears and on my self
And in them all my heart of heart's delights
I hope that I shall never see the day
When things turn sour for the literati
And books are tossed on piles of fiery hay
And ashes rise as far as eyes can see
The end is near my friends I would beweep
And now ‘tis much too late for us to act
To alter the trajectory we keep
And save ourselves and our beloved tracts
We’ll lose them all to be replaced by blogs
The best minds of our generation’s dogs.

Those are some pretty atrocious sonnets. Thank God I’m not Shakespeare. But speaking of Shakespeare, and trying to get the bad poetry out of our heads, let’s look at one more poem. This one is not written by me, so I’m afraid I’m going to have to run the regular “Poetry Thursday” banner again. You know, just in case this dude ever Googles his own name and is directed to A Ton of Bricks, I want him to know that I think this is good poetry, not bad.




An Infinite Number Of Monkeys
By Ronald Koertge

After all the Shakespeare, the book
of poems they type is the saddest
in history.

But before they can finish it,
they have to wait for that Someone
who is always

looking to look away. Only then
can they strike the million
keys that spell

humiliation and grief, which are
the great subjects of Monkey
Literature

and not, as some people still
believe, the banana
and the tire.

Man, would I love to get my hands on some monkey literature. I am very interested in their lives of quiet desperation. Or in the case of those dang howler monkeys their lives of obnoxiously loud desperation.

Poetry Thursday (Shakespeare got to get paid, son)



The Phoenix and the Turtle
by William Shakespeare

Let the bird of loudest lay,
On the sole Arabian tree,
Herald sad and trumpet be,
To whose sound chaste wings obey.

But thou shrieking harbinger,
Foul precurrer of the fiend,
Augur of the fever's end,
To this troop come thou not near!

From this session interdict
Every fowl of tyrant wing,
Save the eagle, feathered king:
Keep the obsequy so strict.

Let the priest in surplice white,
That defunctive music can,
Be the death-divining swan,
Lest the requiem lack his right.

And thou treble-dated crow,
That thy sable gender mak'st
With the breath thou giv'st and tak'st,
'Mongst our mourners shalt thou go.

Here the anthem doth commence:
Love and constancy is dead,
Phoenix and the turtle fled
In a mutual flame from hence.

So they loved as love in twain
Had the essence but in one;
Two distincts, division none;
Number there in love was slain.

Hearts remote, yet not asunder;
Distance, and no space was seen
'Twixt this turtle and his queen;
But in them it were a wonder.

So between them love did shine
That the turtle saw his right
Flaming in the phoenix' sight;
Either was the other's mine.

Property was thus appalled,
That the self was not the same;
Single nature's double name
Neither two nor one was called.

Reason, in itself confounded,
Saw division grow together,
To themselves yet either neither;
Simple were so well compounded;

That it cried, "How true a twain
Seemeth this concordant one!
Love hath reason, reason none,
If what parts can so remain."

Whereupon it made this threne
To the phoenix and the dove,
Co-supremes and stars of love,
As chorus to their tragic scene.

Threnos

Beauty, truth, and rarity
Grace in all simplicity,
Here enclosed in cinders lie.

Death is now the phoenix' nest;
And the turtle's loyal breast
To eternity doth rest,

Leaving no posterity
'Twas not their infirmity,
It was married chastity.

Truth may seem, but cannot be;
Beauty brag, but 'tis not she:
Truth and Beauty buried be.

To this urn let those repair
That are either true or fair;
For these dead birds sigh a prayer

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Riding the Cliche Train All The Way Down. Downtown, All The Way To Chinatown!

We're going to try a new thing here at A Ton of Bricks: fake blog journalism! You all know what I mean. I am talking about the bloggers who think of themselves as "journalists" but all they do is post links to REAL journalistic sources and write about the stories that others have written. By the way, I don't care if you have a journalism degree, if you do this it does not make you a journalist any more than the fact that I have a Chemical Engineering degree makes me an engineer when I pump gas into my car.

So, I'm sure you've all heard about the riots going on in France over some new jobs law. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. If you don't want to follow the links, basically, the new law allows employers to fire younger workers for almost any reason during the first two years of employment, a so-called "at will" relationship between employee and employer. My first reaction to this is "so?" I have an at will contract. It is absolutely typical nowadays, so stop whining and get a job. If you perform well, you'll last longer than two years anyway. I feel like these French youth are just lazy (one poll has 75% of them saying that their ideal job would be a government job, ugh) and they need to live in the now. This is how the world works, and besides, don't you have anything better to do than riot? Or is it just that you felt left out last fall when it was the non-European ethnic kids who got to do the rioting?

But my second reaction is a lot different. All these kids are asking for is to be treated the same as everyone else. It is not their fault that the system they are in is essentially unsustainable over the long run. Someone will have to pay the price eventually, they just don't want it to be them. It's a generational thing. They see their parents having lives of ease, living on the government dole and they want the same thing. Is that so bad? I just hope they know that the stuff will hit the fan eventually. Probably for these kids' kids, but then who cares about them? We'll be sitting pretty!

Speaking of kids, did you all hear about that shooting out in Seattle? The one where this crazy dude shot up a post-rave party at someone's house on Capitol Hill? It's just a tragic thing all around. I'm not sure if we'll ever know why this guy decided that it was time to kill a bunch of people. But here is the thing that struck me most, two of the victims were young teenage girls. When I say "young teenage girls" I mean a 14 year-old and a 15 year-old. I am in my later 20's so every teenager is "young." Seriously, kids that are seniors this year were born in 1988. Anyway, the shooting happened at 7 AM as an all-night party was winding down. What were two very young girls doing at an all-night party with grown men? I'm not blaming the victims here, or their parents. That's not fair. But still, how did this happen? Who are the party-throwers that thought it was appropriate to have a 14 year-old there? A lot of 14 year-olds are in THE EIGHTH GRADE? Also, to any of you who want to blame the parents ("I would never let my child go to a party like that, no how, no way!"): stop being a prick. Are you saying that neither you nor anyone you know ever pulled that classic teenager trick of "you tell your parents that you're spending the night at my house, and I'll tell my parents I'm spending the night at yours! Then we can stay out really late and just sleep at someone else's house! It's genius! How could this plan possibly go awry?" Sure it's a stupid plan that will almost always end in getting caught, but if you don't get caught until the next day, well at least you had that one great night! This is how teenagers think. It may sound completely irrational, and really it is, but it is definitely not any more irrational than they act normally. Also, I don't think it's fair to blame this on drugs/raves/guns/raves. Yes, I said raves twice because that will be what this event is most remembered for, which will probably lead to even more obscenely restrictive ordinances in Seattle, the beautiful city of forced politeness and NIMBYism. (Don't get me wrong, I love Seattle, but there are some problems with the place too.) Blaming this tragedy on any sub-cultural thing is like saying that, if someone shot up a church, it's the fault of the church culture. Well, actually that's a retarded argument, but you see where I'm going with this, right? Simplisticicity is like shotgun blast to the head of reason.

Wow. That was incredibly boring, but tantalizingly easy. I can see why so many people only ever do this stuff on their blogs. Lots of words, very little effort. It's a beautiful thing. Sorry to have saddled all three of you, my readers, with this obnoxious post. I won't do it again. This kind of blogging is like watching Practical Magic: you might do it once just so you can validly talk about how sucky it is.

Finally, I'd like to mention that I appear to have a reader in Columbus, Ohio. I know exactly zero people from anywhere in Ohio, let alone Columbus. The only person I know OF that lives in Columbus is the amazing Drew. If I found out that it was him that was reading this, I would just about pee my pants from excitement. I mean, this is the guy that writes Toothpaste for Dinner! Do you understand me? TOOTHPASTE FOR DINNER!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

List Tuesday, Yet Again


Are y'all getting as tired as I am of this tired old routine of writing lists every Tuesday. It's a tired old blog cliche isn't it? But, luckily for you, I'm a tired old blogger who doesn't have the heart nor the desire to do anything original. So here we go again.

Thoughts That Might Race Through Your Head While You Are Plunging 3000 Feet Down Into A Deep Chasm*


  1. Huh? This parachute is a knapsack! Ha ha ha ha ha, I never get tired of that joke!

  2. Are we there yet? No, and if you ask again I'm pulling this car over and then we'll never get there, do you want me to do that? No? Then shut up!

  3. Are we there yet?

  4. Should I go feet first, or head first?

  5. Not again.

  6. Dah dum da dum dum. Dum dum. Dah dum da dum dum. Dum dum. Green Acres is the place to be, farm livin' is the life for me!

  7. Next time when I'm walking along an insanely dangerous precipice, I'll be way more careful. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess.

  8. I hope I reach terminal velocity soon.

  9. I wonder what my terminal velocity will be?

  10. Will it be higher if I do this? *tucks arms in and goes into a dive*

  11. So this is the punishment for being stupid!

  12. If I was made out of hydrogen, I would just keep floating up. Weird!

  13. Oh man, this one time, I saw a squirrel fall out of a tree! Did you understand that? I saw a SQUIRREL FALL OUT OF A TREE! That squirrel must have been stupid. Wait, before you say it, I am not evolved to scale dangerous heights, so me falling into a deep chasm isn't ironic. It's just dumb. Really, really, unbelievably dumb.

  14. I wish I had an umbrella I could use as a parachute.

  15. I should probably go head first, just in case there is water down there. But what if the water is only a few feet deep? I don't want to break my neck, so I'll go feet first.

  16. Oh, God, I hope I don't end up doing a belly flop, because that is going to sting like a mother!

  17. I cannot believe that Mike Jensen fouled that dude in the act of shooting with 11 seconds left when they were up by four! I just cannot believe that.

  18. Look Ma! No hands!

  19. Do you think a fire hose puts out enough pressure to stop me from hitting the ground? I mean, if I pointed it straight down, could I just sort of float on top of the water?

  20. I am going to get at least an AIS 4 injury from this. Crap.

  21. If only I knew what "a stitch in time saves nine" means! I have a feeling I wouldn't be in this mess if I knew what it meant.

  22. At least I'll never have to hear about Tom Cruise again. Unless I go to hell, because he is going there for sure. Hell without celebrity gossip would be like heaven!

  23. I'm about to hit the ground like a ton of bricks. Shoot! My blog! What will my readers do without me? Hm, if I survive this, maybe I could make a post about it!

  24. Whew, it was just a dream! I really felt like I was falling!



And on that note, Comic Book Guy says "Worst ending to a list. Ever."

I'd especially like to take this opportunity now to point out the metaness of that previous sentence. I thought I cleverly referred to my own post from within my own post, making that meta-connection self-relexive shtick stand out. Now, I've referred to my own referral to my own post. That's like, double meta! Wait, now I've referred to my own referral to my referral to my own post! Four layers of shear meta-goodness. This could keep going all day! Now I just need somebody to refer to my four levels of meta in the comments and then another person could write about the first person's comment and so on. It could be the most stupidest meta thing in the history of whenever! Look at me, I'm even pre-emptively meta-ing.

*In actuality, it is very unlikely that one would think all these thoughts in a single 3,000 foot plunge. The human body, in normal falling posture, has a terminal velocity of about 110 mph (about 161 ft/sec). Acceleration due to gravity is about 16 ft/sec*sec, so one would reach terminal velocity after falling for about 10 seconds and falling about 800 feet. That leaves 2200 more feet to fall, or about 13 more seconds, for a total of 23 seconds. I don't think that any one could think 24 distinct thoughts in that amount of time. Especially while plunging to your doom. It's just not gonna happen.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Return of the Snake

That's right folks, for the first time in over four months, I am publishing all new, original sucky comics! Today I will treat you to two of them, along with some accompanying thoughts that may or may not be related. I'll probably throw in a random picture too since I am artificially trying to rack up a lot of words in one post.

Without further ado....



I actually drew this one way back in the day (click on the picture to see it bigger) but never got the chance to publish it. On second thought, maybe it's good that I never published it, because I'm not sure that it's any good. Maybe frostbitten homeless people aren't a good subject to make stupid comics about. Oh well. Myabe that will be my new thing, lampooning the destitute! Hey, I make up for it by buying 5 or 6 Street Senses a week! I can do whatever I want!




This one is like jazz. If you have to ask, you won't get it. So don't ask. Because I don't get it. I drew it, but I don't get it.


Now, unfortunately, those two are all I have for today. Maybe I'll try to draw some more soon. I haven't been inspired lately so don't get your hopes up.


Now, on to other things!

Just so you know, my good friend Drew (we have never met or corresponded in any way) and his wife Natalie Dee have a new comic out there: Married to the Sea. It's sort of a one note comic, but it's a really good note. Sort of like a song that only uses the chords D, Dsus, and D7. It's really just one chord, but it's an excellent one.

So, who watched themselves some basketball last night? Didn't you think it was ironic that WVa was beat by a desperation three? That's been their modus operandi all season, so much so that it's even been given an eponymous name "getting Pittsnoggled." What a heartbreaking turn of events, though, for West Virginia. Just when it looks like they've got Texas Pittsnoggled, Texas turns around and Pittsnoggles them. Ah, irony, she is a cruel mistress after all.

And how about the end of the UCLA/Gonzaga game? How does UCLA score the last 11 points? How does Gonzaga miss everything they shoot? How hard was Adam Morrisson crying? Speaking of crying, let's talk a little about it. Is it acceptable for big-time athletes to cry on the field/court/pitch/whatever? I say yes, but only because I like to see them brought down a notch or two. I mean, how can we ever raise our boys to be tough, manly-men who never cry and never hug their fathers, they only shake hands (like that kid in the Army commercial. He's a REAL man) and bottle their emotions up inside? Well, not all their emotions. Anger is perfectly okay. Nobody would be dogging on Morrisson if he would have kicked over a water cooler and threw something. But if he cries, it means he's soft and will never make it.

Speaking of Gonzaga, this is how I'll work in Random Picture Friday. Below is a picture of what I think Morrisson's kitchen in Spokane will look like tomorrow.

If there is one thing that I have learned in life, it's that nothing makes losing feel better than a bunch of Natty Light and some Rolling Rocks.

One more basketball note (sorry, I know this isn't a Sports Blog, but I can't help it) my beloved Washington Huskies play Connecticut tonight. It should be a good game, and I guarantee that the Huskies are going to win. By the way, what's the over-under on the number of times the announcers mention that tonight's game features the Huskies playing the Huskies and that Washington is playing in Washington? I'd say 7.


Guess what? I'm going to Rehoboth Beach tonight! This will be my first experience of East coast beaches. I hope they rule. I'm a little concerned that we're going to a beach with "Hobo" for a middle name. Well, the middle part of its first name, but you get the idea.

I think there should be a law.

If a tree falls in the forest, but it falls because beavers chewed it up and then it falls on one of those beavers and it starts screaming (or whatever kind of noise a beaver makes) does it make a sound? I'd say yes.

Did you know that if you arrange the letters of the alphabet in reverse alphabetical order, the G would become silent?

The average Oreo cookie contains three days worth of the recommended daily allowance of fat.

It is a very good trick to try to kick a soccer ball backwards over your head but to actually kick it right into your own face, because nobody will see that coming!

If you had to fight off 10 zombies and you had to choose either a baseball bat or a golf club to fight them with? I'd go with the golf club for two reasons: 1) it's got a longer reach. 2) Saying things like "Wow, I really hooked that one!" or "Oh man, I'm buried in the rough again!" as you whacked a zombie's head would never get old.

I wish I knew somebody that had six fingers on each hand. Unfortunately, as far as I know, I don't know any mutants.

If there is one thing I could change about myself, it would be my tendency to.....ummmm.....I don't think anyone wants to hear this.

I would eat Hebrew National all-beef franks every night for dinner if I could. They are the best hot dogs in the history of the world. Maybe that's not saying much, but still.

Have you ever gone into a public restroom and noticed that two of the three stalls were full so you just change your mind that maybe you didn't need to take a dump after all? No? Oh, well, me neither.

Don't forget, today is the first day of the rest of your life. Just like yesterday was. And tomorrow. So don't get your hopes up.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Bad Poetry (Thursday)



Today's theme is....Parenthetical Remarks!

In Which Our Hero (the Heretofore Unmentioned Ellery) is Faced with His Future As A Zombie

by The Unknowable Magician (Schuyler)

The undead face me
and confront me
and stand in front and back of me
There must be something particularly
tasty about my marrow
I don't know
why else these things would surround me

Come sweet death and let me ride
your fiery chariot through
the legions of grave-escaping fiends
that trail me and track me so
mercilessly
Let me grab your sweet embrace
and disappear without trace
from in front of their eyes
or what were eyes in a past life
a life which none remember
but all fear
Let me bask in your doomed descent
and find my solace in your sacred attempt
to free me from a future too
horrifying for words (but let me try)

BRAINS! BRAINS! BRAAAAAAAAAAAINS!

Nothing else
no words no thoughts no hopes
cross my mind
just your mind
is on my mind
and in my mouth and down my gullet
if you cannot escape from it (me)
Never satisfied
Never satiated
My bills are never ratified
expect to be excoriated

BRAINS! BRAINS! BRAAAAAAAAAAAINS!

I will walk
endlessly across the earth
like a banshee, screaming
but as a zombie
Searching always for another prey
I pray that I will die
But God does not answer the prayers of the undead
He'll throw our skeleton bones away,
and leave us all to rot on fiery graves
If only we would die that is.

BRAINS! BRAINS! BRAAAAAAAAAAAINS!

Arms! I don't need you.
Feet! I don't need you.
Head! I don't know if I don't need you.
You cannot kill the undead
Or perhaps you can
I hope to God, the Devil or Bob
that you can
Release me, Bob
from this
Do not let me get you
or you'll become like me too
Do you have a shotgun
that might work
Or at least a can of gas
and a lighter
or a pitchfork
Anything, Bob
that can free me from this outcast state
that I beweep so much.

Oh God (or Bob)
Just kill me now
Again.

There are no Un-un-dead.

Poetry Thursday Rides Again!



This makes two weeks in a row of poems about gardening. I like it.


Dyspeptic Clerk
by Robert William Service

I think I'll buy a little field,
Though scant am I of pelf,
And hold the hope that it may yield
A living for myself;
For I have toiled ten thousand days
With ledger and with pen,
And I am sick of city ways
And soured with city men.

So I will plant my little plot
With lettuce, beans and peas;
Potatoes too - oh quite a lot,
An pear and apple trees.
My carrots will be coral pink,
My turnips ivory;
And I'll forget my pen and ink,
And office slavery.

My hut shall have a single room
Monastically bare;
A faggot fire for the winter gloom,
A table and a chair.
A Frugalist I call myself,
My needs are oh so small;
My luxury a classic shelf
Of poets on the wall.

Here as I dream, how grey and cold
The City seems to me;
Another world of green and gold
Incessantly I see.
So I will fling my pen away,
And learn a how to wield;
A cashbook and a stool today . . .
Soon, soon a Little Field.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

List Tuesday: Wednesday Edition


So it's not Tuesday still, big deal. Sue me. Actually, no. Please do not sue me. If there is one thing I do not need right now it is to be sued.

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover


  1. Make a new plan

  2. No need to be coy (WHAT?)

  3. Hop on the bus

  4. Drop off the key

  5. Slip out the back


Wait a dang minute. That is only 5 ways to leave your lover! And one of them doesn't even make sense! Paul Simon you are a fat freaking liar.

So here are

My other 45.


  1. Walk to Wal-Mart

  2. Start talking about worshipping satan*

  3. A 44 Magnum

  4. Rollerblade down the street

  5. Jump on a train, hobo-style

  6. Fire yourself out of a cannon

  7. Unicycle down the stairs

  8. Run slowly

  9. Run quickly

  10. Run at a moderate pace

  11. Go directly to jail

  12. Go directly to Jamaica

  13. Bury them alive

  14. Tell them you are actually one of the undead*

  15. Hang onto the bottom of your neighbor's car so that when they drive away, you'll be a stowaway.

  16. Roll down the sand hill

  17. Swallow the blue pill

  18. Jump down the street in a gunny sack

  19. Cartwheels

  20. Live a life of crime on the lamb. You could be known as "The Lamb-riding Hombre" or something!

  21. Hide under a dead body

  22. Bury yourself alive and then have somebody (not your lover) dig you up later

  23. Cross-country ski**

  24. Become a master of disguise

  25. Join a cult

  26. Start a cult*

  27. Colonize the moon

  28. Live with the rats in the subway tunnels

  29. Cut loose. Foot loose. Kick off your Sunday shoes.

  30. Publically

  31. Tiptoe***

  32. Skip lightly

  33. Walk like an Egyptian

  34. Choo Choo Ch-boogie

  35. Leave them at a rest stop on the interstate

  36. Join the Donner party

  37. Float away with the rest of the garbage

  38. Marry a monkey*

  39. Wear your hat backwards

  40. Wear your hat forwards, but walk backwards!

  41. Take a cab, but not too far because they cost a lot

  42. Turn into a tractor trailer and drive away****

  43. Sneak across the border

  44. Climb every mountain

  45. Write them a note "Should I stay or should I go? If I stay, there will be trouble, if I go, there will be double. Check one STAY GO




*Way to get your lover to leave you
**Only works in Scandanavia
***Through the tulips if possible
****Applies to Optimus Prime only

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Communism is a Load of Crap and Always Will Be

First, let me say this. I'm sorry, Ms. Solas, but I never sputtered "well what about the Nazis?" In no way was I saying that Nazism is the same as Communism (in practice it is, really, but we'll get to that later). Shoot. This is going to take longer than I thought.

Okay, let's get started. There are few things that really annoy me in this world. I'm usually a pretty laid back guy, but when people start to talk about Communism as though it is something good, I just can't take it. On any large-scale system (say, greater than about 50 people), Communism will never, ever work. Now, when you say that, Communist lovers will sputter "but, but, but, it's never really been put into practice! You can't know if it would work unless we try it! Seriously, it will be a Utopia!" My response to that is, "well, you're wrong." I'm sorry but if you are going to use the word "Communism" you have to accept what "Communism" means in our world. I don't care if "it's not what Marx thought!" (as though Marx is some sort of freaking misunderstood genius, Christ-figure, perfection-here-on-earth). When you say "Communism" you mean "communism as put into practice by governments around the world." The word is not redeemable. But just for fun, let's look at the track record of nations widely regarded as "Communist." USSR (the big one): Totalitarianism, total social and economic collapse, upwards of 45 million people murdered, ubiquitous wide-spread poverty. China: Totalitarianism, thought police, uncountable murders, ubiquitous wide-spread poverty. Cuba: Totalitarianism, wide-spread poverty, cigars. Vietnam: Totalitarianism, ubiquitous wide-spread poverty, death death and more death. North Korea: Totalitarianism, ubiquitous wide-spread poverty to the point of starvation, thought police. Poland: Totalitarianism, ubiquitous wide-spread poverty. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Communism does not work on a large governmental system. So it hasn't really been put into practice you say? How many chances do we need to give it before we can say it is an evil failure that has killed more people around the world than all wars, ever? (This is where I made the comparison to the Nazis, one of the few Nazi comparisons that I think are valid. What I said was, saying that it just hasn't correctly been put into practice is like saying the Nazis had some good ideas, they just didn't execute them correctly. In fact, Nazism is slightly less scary because its widespread violence and murder against jewish people, gays, gypsys etc was almost totally irrational. On the other hand, communist regimes tend to murder huge numbers of people because of their ideas. They actively and rationally (rationally because they are right, different ideas are a huge danger to communism) seek out those that disagree with the state and kill them. That seems scarier and more stifling to me. Just for more fun, let's look at what Nazism led to: Totalitarianism, wide-spread murder and poverty, total economic, social and political collapse, thougt police. Hmm, see any similarities here?)

In a related gripe, whenever someone, in the course of an argument, says something along the lines of "well, it's never really been put into practice" or "well, we don't ALL think that," it drives me crazy. Nothing is more stifling to the exchange of ideas than marginalizing the other persons view by changing the terms of the argument. You can't argue with those type of statements because they don't say anything. If someone wants to tell me what a REAL Communist system would look like, go ahead. You're wrong, and you'll never convince me, but go ahead. At least give an argument.

Now, let's talk about why communism on anything but the smallest scales will not work (in this statement I am even including they mythical "communists who got it right" that the world has never seen). Around these parts, communists like to think of themselves as non-conformists. You know the ones, they think that capitalism is stupid (they probably have some good points, I just can't get close enough to them because of the stench. There's nothing capitalist about taking showers, you know), they have long hair, probably white boy dreadlocks, they smoke lots of pot and they like to say words like "proletariat" and "from each according to ability, to each according to need." This is ironic, because if there is one thing that communism cannot survive in conjunction with, it's non-conformity. Imagine this scenario. Ahh, Utopia. Everyone works hard and gives their money and creations and whatever else to the Community purse which then distributes everything to those that need it. What a grand system. Then one day, little Matilda thinks, "hmmm, what if this system isn't the best way to do things? Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair that I work so hard but no matter how hard I work, I just get the same amount of stuff." So she works a little less hard, and there's a little less stuff to go around. Now everybody is getting just a little less than they were before. Now someone else thinks, "hmm, I'm working just as hard, but receiving less of what I need!" Now they start to work a little less hard, and there's even less stuff to go around. And so on and so on until nobody is working hard and nobody is getting as much stuff as they need. For communism to work, it requires strict adherence to the system by everyone involved. There is no place for non-conformity. Now, when the powers that be (and there have to be powers that be, otherwise how will stuff get distributed?) see that people are questioning the system and ruining it for everyone, well they can't just let that happen, right? Not in Utopia they can't! So they start to enforce the system and crush out the non-conformity and you see where I'm going with this, don't you? The direct and inevitable end of this process is Totalitarianism. The state must control everything down to your thoughts if the system is going to work. Opting out is not an option. And if you don't think that this scenario pretty much follows current human nature, well, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.

Now, let's look at another scenario. So, we're back in Utopia and everyone is happy giving up all they have etc. One guy has the job of distributing the resources "to each according to need." One day he wakes up and realizes that maybe he needs a little bit more than he thought. I mean, he wants his kids to have what they need, right? So he goes into the office and maybe keeps a little bit of everybody elses' stuff for himself. Just a little bit, so it's okay. He keeps doing this, and no one ever notices. Then he realizes that he can probably help out his friends, too! They each get a little more than everyone else. Eventually, the neighbors start to notice that they have less stuff and are going hungrier than those people next door, what gives? So the next time they go in to get whatever, they try to bargain to get some more. Just a little homemade apple pie in exchange for 10 more units of currency, not big deal. Well, this eventually leads to a system in which those that control the resources easily control everyone. The haves and the have-nots. "Wait," you say "haves and have-nots only exist in capitalism, that's why it's evil!" Sorry to burst your bubble, but even Jesus (the communist) said that we'd always have the poor with us.

So do you see what I'm saying? It only takes one person to ruin the whole system by seeking out an advantage for themselves or even just questioning the whole system. That's why large scale communism will always lead to totalitarianism. It cannot survive if anyone does not conform to the system, the state, the leader, whatever. You cannot be both a non-conformist and a communist. They are mutually exclusive. I have my doubts, knowing what I do of human nature, that communism could even successfully exist on the small scale. That'll be easier to prove though. I'm sure there are at least several communes out there that have put into practice the writings of Marx. Find one that has been completely successful and show me and maybe I'll start to rethink this. But probably not, because I don't think you'll find one.

But don't take it too hard. A lot of things didn't pan out. Communism is just another ideology that should be left on the ash heap of the twentieth century. It's nothing personal. But if you want to make it personal, we can.

Monday, March 20, 2006

A Long Weekend in Reverse

“Elbammalf os erew sayapap that wenk ohw, wow,” flesym ot thguoht I, ria eht otni rehgih dna rehgih pael semalf eht dehctaw dna kcab tas I sa.


Psyche!!! I’m not going to write this whole thing backwards like you thought I was. That would take way too long and be way too annoying. So, instead, I’ll just write about a few things from this past weekend, which unfortunately did not involve any exploding tropical fruit.

First things first, that was just too much basketball this weekend. I can’t believe I ate three of them! The first one was nice and springy, with a flaky orange crust. The second one was a little over-done, but still good. I was already feeling a little iffy when I decided to go ahead with the third one. It was big mistake. First, I think it was raw. Second, I was already full. And third, and most importantly, it tasted terrible. Like a turd covered in burnt hair, wrapped in rice and seaweed and dipped in soy sauce with just a dab of wasabi. So, in other words, like week-old dumpster sushi. I ate the whole thing though. Finished it off last night at about 8:30. Upsets? More like upset stomach. Ugh.

On a related note, the Big 10 apparently sucks. Hard.

Okay, I give up. I really didn’t do anything this weekend other than watch basketball, so the rest of this post will be somewhat about basketball unless I feel like writing about something else. You’ve been warned.

Did you know that George Mason made the Sweet 16©®™? Did you know that George Mason is a real college? Yeah, it surprised me too. I always thought it was just the name of a metro stop, not an actual true thing! Did you further know that the original George Mason lived approximately 300 years ago and was the founder of the International Brotherhood of Masons? It’s true*. Of course, the Masons don’t do much these days. I think mostly they hang out in secret meetings and talk about what a good job they did with the Washington Monument and point out all the cool secret society symbology they have in their logo and pat each other on the back.

My good ol’ Huskies won this weekend. They beat good ol’ Illinois. It was a great game, but at the end, when they won, I think that the brickwife and I kind of scared the brickson with our shouting and cheering. He felt better when we involved him in the high fives though. That little dude loves the high fives.

But let’s think about this game. I talked to two people on the phone that evening who congratulated me on the victory. Me, the guy who graduated almost 4 years ago and only played organized basketball for one season in the seventh grade and didn’t score a single point the whole season and who, when he had one shining moment to score with a drive from the top of the key, proceeded to double dribble. So what exactly did I contribute to this team that makes me think it’s acceptable for me to accept congratulations on their behalf? Do I know the players? No. However, I do still refer to them as “We.” As in, “wow, we really pulled off a close one last night, didn’t we.” I’m not sure if this is an acceptable use of the word “we” which actually comes from the ancient Sanskrit** “Wuh” signifying the first person singular, and “Hhea” which means “some people that I know.” Based on its roots, I really don’t think I should be using “we” in this manner. Oh well. Some friends of mine from church tried to rationalize this idea of me having some connection with team by saying that I supported them financially and blah blah blah. But I don’t think it really pans out. Let’s look at the numbers here. First, I’ve purchased maybe $125 worth of UW apparel in my life. That’s not enough to consider it “supporting the team.” Besides, I bought that stuff to represent the football team back when they used to be good. I never went to one basketball game in my four years there. Now, what about the tuition that I paid? As an in-stater I paid, at the end of my four years, only $1327 per quarter. That works out to about $100 per credit. Now, when you realize that my average class size was only about 25, that means that the professors were only getting $2500 per quarter in tuition, or about $800 per month. You can’t live on $800 a month, so there’s actually a good chance that sports revenue was going to support my professors. You could even say that the football and basketball teams were supporting me, not the other way around. And speaking of tuition, that is a freaking cheap education! My records at UW only go back to winter of 2000, and that quarter I only paid $1213. So, for argument’s sake, let’s say I paid an average of $1275 per quarter for 12 quarters. That’s a total of $15,300 in tuition. Add in books at $1000 per year and you have $19,300 for four years of school. That is freaking cheap! I made all that back and more in the first 6 months of working! I guess that’s one of the benefits of getting a practical degree, not some floopy, meaningless degree in, well, let’s just say One Of The Liberal Arts. That way, if any of you have degrees in The Liberal Arts you can just assume that I’m not talking about you. And honestly people, you know going into it that those kinds of degrees do not lead to lucrative jobs and you still take out thousands and thousands of dollars of loans. Don’t come crying to me when you have to pay them back. Unless you’re a teacher. Teachers are required to get a lot of education and aren’t paid nearly enough. Teachers, you can come crying to me.

Wait a minute! I’m not writing about education, I’m writing about basketball, and we all know that no two things are more anathema to each other in college than education and basketball. Except for maybe education and baseball.

Anyway, one more basketball note. The Huskies are playing here this weekend! That’s right, UW will be playing UConn just down the street from my office at the MCI Center. Of course tickets are ridiculously expensive and are all being snapped up by GMU fans (please, GMU fans, cheer for my Huskies to beat the Huskies!), so I won’t be going, but I will watch them on TV! It will be a real clash of the titans, a mesmerizing display of roundball talent. UW will avenge its heartbreaking loss of ’98. If you don’t remember what happened, UW was leading 73-72 with seconds to play when, just before UConn came out for one last shot at the win, one of their players turned into a werewolf with ridiculously good basketball skills and made a full-court dunk as time expired. Wait, maybe that was Teen Wolf. Yes, yes it was. What actually happened was that U Conn missed their first attempt but made the put back when the actual U Conn Husky ran out onto the court and bit a UW player in the face preventing him from grabbing the rebound. No foul was called.



*May or may not be true.
**An Indo-European Classical language of India and a liturgical language of Hinduism, Buddhism, and Jainism

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Viva Administration! And Bad Poetry Thursday

Okay, we'll get to the bad poetry in a sec. First I've got some administrative things to write about.

First, in one of the strangest things ever to happen to me, I have at least one reader from Provo, Utah. I don't even know where Provo is, let alone know any um, Provozoans?. I think it might be near SLC, but I'm too lazy to open up Google Earth and check. At first I thought it was someone who knows my sister-in-law, but it's not. It's some random girl I've never met named Becky Karlsven. She seems like a nice enough person. Anyway, it appears to be a long story, but there are five links on her blog: Google News, BYU (hey, she's from Utah), sudoku, her brother (I assume), and me. Why me??? Not that I mind. I actually feel kind of special that some random person I don't know would link to me as though I was someone important! It appears that she first found my blog (I don't know how) in August when she left a comment on this post and she has been a reader ever since! Thanks, Ms. Karlsven. I appreciate it.

Also, I still have regular readers in Seoul, Sunnyvale, CA, and recently, the UK. But none of them link to me, so I don't like you as much, okay?

Second, when searching for that post from last August, I came across another post that now has 22 comments, almost all spam, and almost all new! Awesome!

Third, today and tomorrow will be post-heavy in the morning and not so much in the afternoon. I have a lot of work to do. And by work, I mean constant refreshing of ESPN's NCAA tournament scoreboard.

Fourth, I just wanted to let you know that They Might Be Giants are playing the 9:30 Club in April, if you want to go. I already have tickets (they went on sale over one hours ago!) and if you want to go, let me know. Also, I feel kind of stupid for being excited about this show. I am out of the age range where liking TMBG is really appropriate. It starts at about 13 (there's just something about their cleverness that nerdy teenagers love) and goes to about 22 (or 25 if you're still in college. Undergraduate, that is). I guess it now includes babies and parents of babies so, hey, maybe I do still qualify! Yeah, I'll rationalize it like that. Does that mean I have to take Levi?

Okay on to.....


Waiting By The Side Of The Road As If You Think Something Is About To Happen
by "Skizz"

When you look in the windows of the passing cars
you can see the look in the eyes of the of drivers of the passing cars
and you think "what would they do
if I threw
a full cup of orange soda through
the open windows of the passing cars"

Or remember the time
that you forgot the time
and went late to the movie about
the guy who lived in a small house on the side of the road
and threw orange soda through the windows of the passing cars
like you did just now

What a strange world you think
what a funny place to raise a child in
or on or around or about face
you cannot find a trace
of your child in the world you live in
since your children are in fact a part
of nothing at all
and don't even exist in your mind's eye
that is looking through the windows of the passing cars

Birds and bees flutter in and around your head
and my head
and the sounds of the passing cars fill and follow our ears
and a single dangling piece of pie
hanging from a delirious lamp post
across the street is tempting
you to cross the street and eat it
but perhaps you will miss the bus
and find that the pie was only dust
or come in contact with the passing cars
that have star in thars
You are sure to lose that battle


On the street, people come and go
talking of Michelangelo

Or more likely why must the traffic be so bad
or guess how much my house is worth
or can you believe what that guy just said
or I heard that Howard's cat is dead
or I didn't want to leave my bed
or please stop these voices in my head
or oh god my blood is spilling, red
or I wish I had some more street cred

But nothing
happens because a watched pot while only occaisionally boil
and now is not one of those occaisional times
when a pot will boil
and the passing cars knocked the pot on its side
and spilled the water down the gutter on the street
where the passing cars have orange soda flying from
their tailpipes and their drivers eyes.

Poetry Thursday Redux



Do you remember the first Poetry Thursday? Ah, that was a simpler time. A time before the crushing weight of a million pounds of gold fell upon the heads of the philodendrons. Well, this week, harkening back to that beautiful summer of '05, we here at A Ton of Bricks are going to run a poem by the same poet from that fateful day: Edwin Arlington Robinson. It's a little known fact, but Robinson became extremely popular in the 30's after decades of obscurity. He had a profound effect on other contemporary poets, especially Robert Frost, the only poet to win the Pulitzer Prize for Poetry more times than Robinson (4 to 3).


Two Gardens In Linndale

by Edwin Arlington Robinson

Two brothers, Oakes and Oliver,
Two gentle men as ever were,
Would roam no longer, but abide
In Linndale, where their fathers died,
And each would be a gardener.

“Now first we fence the garden through,
With this for me and that for you,”
Said Oliver.—“Divine!” said Oakes,
“And I, while I raise artichokes,
Will do what I was born to do.”

“But this is not the soil, you know,”
Said Oliver, “to make them grow:
The parent of us, who is dead,
Compassionately shook his head
Once on a time and told me so.”

“I hear you, gentle Oliver,”
Said Oakes, “and in your character
I find as fair a thing indeed
As ever bloomed and ran to seed
Since Adam was a gardener.

“Still, whatsoever I find there,
Forgive me if I do not share
The knowing gloom that you take on
Of one who doubted and is done:
For chemistry meets every prayer.”

“Sometimes a rock will meet a plough,”
Said Oliver; “but anyhow
’Tis here we are, ’tis here we live,
With each to take and each to give:
There’s no room for a quarrel now.

“I leave you in all gentleness
To science and a ripe success.
Now God be with you, brother Oakes,
With you and with your artichokes:
You have the vision, more or less.”

“By fate, that gives to me no choice,
I have the vision and the voice:
Dear Oliver, believe in me,
And we shall see what we shall see;
Henceforward let us both rejoice.”

“But first, while we have joy to spare
We’ll plant a little here and there;
And if you be not in the wrong,
We’ll sing together such a song
As no man yet sings anywhere.”

They planted and with fruitful eyes
Attended each his enterprise.
“Now days will come and days will go,
And many a way be found, we know,”
Said Oakes, “and we shall sing, likewise.”

“The days will go, the years will go,
And many a song be sung, we know,”
Said Oliver; “and if there be
Good harvesting for you and me,
Who cares if we sing loud or low?”

They planted once, and twice, and thrice,
Like amateurs in paradise;
And every spring, fond, foiled, elate,
Said Oakes, “We are in tune with Fate:
One season longer will suffice.”

Year after year ’twas all the same:
With none to envy, none to blame,
They lived along in innocence,
Nor ever once forgot the fence,
Till on a day the Stranger came.

He came to greet them where they were,
And he too was a Gardener:
He stood between these gentle men,
He stayed a little while, and then
The land was all for Oliver.

’Tis Oliver who tills alone
Two gardens that are now his own;
’Tis Oliver who sows and reaps
And listens, while the other sleeps,
For songs undreamed of and unknown.

’Tis he, the gentle anchorite,
Who listens for them day and night;
But most he hears them in the dawn,
When from his trees across the lawn
Birds ring the chorus of the light.

He cannot sing without the voice,
But he may worship and rejoice
For patience in him to remain,
The chosen heir of age and pain,
Instead of Oakes—who had no choice.

’Tis Oliver who sits beside
The other’s grave at eventide,
And smokes, and wonders what new race
Will have two gardens, by God’s grace,
In Linndale, where their fathers died.

And often, while he sits and smokes,
He sees the ghost of gentle Oakes
Uprooting, with a restless hand,
Soft, shadowy flowers in a land
Of asphodels and artichokes.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

What A Wonderful Idea!

I know that a lot of you out there are suffering from A Dearth of Bricks (see how I worked that in?) but I can assure you that it's for a good reason: I've had to spend the last few days preparing to watch The Amazing Race. I had to bone up on, well this is all a lie. Actually, I've been deathly ill. So ill that I have yet to make it to the doctor. I think I might die. Okay, well no, I probably won't die. Yet. But I do think I have mono (that's infectious mononucleosis brought on by an infection of the Epstein-Barr virus if you must know). I've had it before, much much worse, so I can recognize the symptoms: a killer sore throat and an all-encompassing feeling of apathy. Wait, no. Those are the symptoms of my job. Mono is more of a killer sore throat and an all-encompassing sense of exhaustedness, like you've been fasting for three days.

So, this bout with this stupid disease (I've heard that once you've had it, you'll be more prone to get it again. Yipee skippy.) has me thinking about the last time, and man was it funny. Let me tell you (long and mostly boring story to follow).

Back when the world was a more innocent place, back in the verdant spring of 1998, I was a senior in high school fast approaching that huge life change of graduation and moving on to the next stage in my life, umm, more school. I was flying high. Captain of the Coolest Apple Bowl Team Ever, beautiful girlfriend, 1st team All-State small forward. I had it all going on. I was even going to be on the varsity tennis team! But then I got sick with mono. I still don't know how I got it.

Being sick sucked. First of all, I almost died. I think at one point my fever was like, 105 or something. My proteins almost started (insert word here that means "coming apart like they do in egg whites when you cook them"). The future brickwife was pretty freaked out, but I was all "Oh, it's no big deal, just a fever." Little did I know that my spleen could almost have ruptured. Seroiusly. I truly could have died and I really probably should have gone to the hospital.

But speaking of the future brickwife, she got in trouble because of me being sick. She was skipping class to come to my house to take care of me. She saw me at my absolute worst, so I knew she was a keeper. I can't remember exactly why she got in trouble, or maybe it was me. But anyway, she wasn't allowed to come over for some period of time or something. It was kind of dumb I thought at the time. Actually, I still think it was kind of dumb, but what do I know.

So anyway, I was sick for two weeks. Well, really sick for two weeks, sick partially for about a month. But this is just where the story gets good. The most important thing to do when you have mono is rest (yes, writing disjointed stories on the internet counts as resting, so there), so what was the first thing I did after going back to school? That's right! I went on a 9-day-long interstate trip to Arches NP, Canyonlands NP, and Chaco Canyon, with a brief, rainy stop at Zion NP! Side note about school: I missed two weeks in March of my senior year with IB tests fast approaching and all sorts of other stuff, but I had more work to make up in my intro to photography class than in any of my "real" classes. THe trip was organized by my Theory of Knowledge (yes, it's a dumb as it sounds) teacher and terrible driver extrodinaire and general all-around weird guy, Mr. Capp. Who went on the trip, you might ask? A bunch of IB dorks, two break dancers and a few art students. It was pretty fun.

I kind of forgot where I was going with this story and why I thought it might be interesting. Hmmmm.....Oh yeah! So, after sleeping in the snow and hiking as far as I could (i.e. not very far at all) in Utah, we reached Chaco Canyon. It is like a magnet for freaks. On our first night there we met some annoying flute playing dude who told us all about his mystical experiences at the ruins. I almost said "Don't be so stupid, you stupid stupidhead," but I didn't. I hate it when people think that just because something is old and we don't know much about it, it must be spiritual! That's just, well, stupid. Like all the people that think the Great Kiva at Chaco Canyon was the center of the Anasazi's spiritual world. Couldn't it have just as easily been a sports arena? ANyway, back to the interesting part. The water at Chaco Canyon was non-potable. Being the straight-A student that I was, I used my large vocabulary to conclude that this meant "undrinkable." However, I assumed that brushing my teeth did not count as drinking. Now THAT was stupid. My already compromised immune system couldn't fight off the non-potable bacteria, so I spent about two days drinking blue Powerade and then promptly throwing it back up into an empty coffee can. I think it would have been cheaper if I had just re-used the stuff. I wasn't eating anything, so basically what came up was just blue Powerade with a little stomach acid mixed in. How bad could that have been, right? And the whole time the future brickwife is taking care of me like she really loves me or something. She's pretty great. Well, let's not let this devolve into a paean to her, nobody wants to read that mushy stuff.

Oh yeah, and this other time on the trip some people in the van were talking about pranks like filling all the keyholes at school with caulking and then the German foreign exchange student is all "what is a tube of cockhead?" And we were all "What?!?!" and everybody was laughing. Man, that was funny. But speaking of pranks, one of my friends back then, a certain Steve, pulled a good one: letting about 500 crickets go in the school library. Brilliant!

I think that some other cool things happened on the trip, but I really can't think of any. I took a lot of pictures and saw some cool ruins and got to take a shower at a truck stop, but other than that, well.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Random Awesome Picture Friday


I'm feeling way under the weather today, but there is no way that I could not share this with you. Chewbacca has a blog. It's the greatest blog ever. I don't know what he's saying, but his Photo Shopping skills are out of this world. Literally. Who woulda thunk? I don't know how he does it with those giant mits of his. Anyway, here's Chewy when he was down and out like Nick Nolte. Go to his site for more.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

The Love Song of J. Poetry Thursday



I've solved my dilemma. Well, at least part of it. Long poems. That is the key to hitting 16,000 words in 16 posts. So for today, we fall back on one of the great modernists: T. S. Eliot. I was going to post The Wasteland, but that one felt too much like cheating.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

by T.S. Eliot


S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.


Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes,
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate,
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
(They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!")
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
(They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!")
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute win reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
(But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
Is it perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?

Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
. . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep ... tired ... or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in
upon a platter,
I am no prophet-and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.


And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it towards some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all"—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all."

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along
the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a
screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
"That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all."

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old ... I grow old ...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

List Tuesday: Can You Find Me Now Edition




So, as I mourn the loss of Kirby Puckett, I didn't have time to put together a real list, so....

In My Last 100 Visitors, People Have Been Directed To A Ton Of Bricks With These Search Terms

  1. San Francisco bars carrying mac and jacks african amber [Bloomington, IL]
    I must say, this person has very fine taste. Even if they do live in Illinois.


  2. The slogan "54-40 or Fight" what does it mean? [Winnipeg, Manitoba]
    They did not take Mr. O'Brien's 9th grade Pacific Northwest History class. Obvs.


  3. sex nof [Dubai]
    You know, I don't really want to know why.


  4. "janis joplin, jimi hendrix, jim morrison" [Columbia, SC]
    Dude, I totally already wrote about this, so you can't have it.


  5. Happy Trey Land [Siekierki, Poland]
    Oh man, did you hear the one about the Pollack who search for Happy Trey Land? Yeah,it wasn't really funny. Never mind.


  6. have attitude to marriage changed in resent years [Delhi, India]
    I am expecting pretty much all of my attitudes to change in my "resent years."


  7. capillary action brick [Columbus, OH]
    Sweet! Now that I know about this stuff, I have to get some. I love capillaries.


  8. How did Danny Gatton Die? [NYC]
    It's too sad to relate. I can't tell you right now, so just Google it. Oh, wait. You already did.


  9. Mary 82 Yakima [Kennewick, WA]
    I've tried and tried, but I can't figure out what this dude was looking for, can you? He was pretty persistent though, because my blog doesn't show up 'til the fourth page.


  10. "There once was a man from Duluth [Falmouth, ME]
    Why am I not surprised that the person searching for retarded limericks is from New England?


  11. Jim Morrison vs Elvis [Orlando, FL]
    I am telling you, the only reason Jim Morrison is famous is because he's dead. Why else would so many people be searching for him? Unless, HE'S NOT ACTUALLY DEAD. IT WAS ALL A HOAX. HE IS ACTUALLY MY MAILMAN!


  12. Uniball Vision exact Washington DC [DC]
    If you want some, I can sell you some for $5 each. Cash only. Meet at any metro.


  13. In shoeless corridors, the lights burn. How isolated what does it mean [Birmingham, UK]
    That is a very good question! What does it mean? Will you let me know when you figure it out?


  14. Crappy dorky songs "we built this city" [Fremont, CA]
    Ah, a man (or woman, I'm inclusive!) after my own heart.


  15. Let me call you sweetheart lyrics [Rochester, MA]
    I'm serious, there is something about living in New England that makes you search for stupid things! Let Me Call You Sweetheart lyrics. Geez dude, it's not like the original song is complicated, just right your own dang poetry.

William Snakespeare



So, I've decided to kill the Snakes at the Mic Blog. I never updated it, so I figure if I make it a feature here, I'll have to update it! For those of you that weren't around back in the day (November 2-4), the following are all the cartoons drawn to date. I hope to have some new ones soon. Enjoy! Or not!

The Train: Bouncier Than You Think



Can You Hear Me?



I Wish I Had A Mohawk



Stupid Hippy Goes To Pompeii



Something We Can All Agree On



There Should Be A Warning Or Something



Squid or Astro-man?



High In Fiber, Low In Fat



Not The #1 Speller



This Really Happened!



I Am So Glad That Fish Can Not Talk



Huntin' IS a Sport



Robots Are Cool



Pits Are Not So Good



Help Me!