So it's not Tuesday still, big deal. Sue me. Actually, no. Please do not sue me. If there is one thing I do not need right now it is to be sued.
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
- Make a new plan
- No need to be coy (WHAT?)
- Hop on the bus
- Drop off the key
- Slip out the back
Wait a dang minute. That is only 5 ways to leave your lover! And one of them doesn't even make sense! Paul Simon you are a fat freaking liar.
So here are
My other 45.
- Walk to Wal-Mart
- Start talking about worshipping satan*
- A 44 Magnum
- Rollerblade down the street
- Jump on a train, hobo-style
- Fire yourself out of a cannon
- Unicycle down the stairs
- Run slowly
- Run quickly
- Run at a moderate pace
- Go directly to jail
- Go directly to Jamaica
- Bury them alive
- Tell them you are actually one of the undead*
- Hang onto the bottom of your neighbor's car so that when they drive away, you'll be a stowaway.
- Roll down the sand hill
- Swallow the blue pill
- Jump down the street in a gunny sack
- Cartwheels
- Live a life of crime on the lamb. You could be known as "The Lamb-riding Hombre" or something!
- Hide under a dead body
- Bury yourself alive and then have somebody (not your lover) dig you up later
- Cross-country ski**
- Become a master of disguise
- Join a cult
- Start a cult*
- Colonize the moon
- Live with the rats in the subway tunnels
- Cut loose. Foot loose. Kick off your Sunday shoes.
- Publically
- Tiptoe***
- Skip lightly
- Walk like an Egyptian
- Choo Choo Ch-boogie
- Leave them at a rest stop on the interstate
- Join the Donner party
- Float away with the rest of the garbage
- Marry a monkey*
- Wear your hat backwards
- Wear your hat forwards, but walk backwards!
- Take a cab, but not too far because they cost a lot
- Turn into a tractor trailer and drive away****
- Sneak across the border
- Climb every mountain
- Write them a note "Should I stay or should I go? If I stay, there will be trouble, if I go, there will be double. Check one STAY GO
*Way to get your lover to leave you
**Only works in Scandanavia
***Through the tulips if possible
****Applies to Optimus Prime only
2 comments:
this is steven colbert quality stuff. comedy central is going to find you and offer you a bunch of money to keep writing while you’re at your other job.
I found 'getting engaged to someone else' quite effective. But you have to have a very understanding (ex) lover if you might want to reverse the process a year later.
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