Bad Photoetry Thursday: I'm Gonna Buy Me a Bulldog

I Found Out Today We're Going Wrong,

I think I may have found my stupid calling.

What is it, you ask? Is it saving the helpless in Darfur? Is it feeding the hungry? Is it curing AIDS?

NOPE! It's editing Uncyclopedia! It's like wikipedia, but requires absolutely no knowledge about anything! It's like it was created just for me!

Here are my contributions thus far:

Gouda Cheese

Karl Von Helmsteinereinmann

FREEdHEM Hemorrhoid Cream

Go there an vote them up! I don't know what it does, but how much fun is clicking on arrows?? A lot of fun, that's how much!

Plus I may or may not get around to adding a feature on the right (-------> for those that don't already know) that keeps track of my contributions so you can, you know, not read them!

But the Picture Has a Mustache

On Christmas, I myself experienced a Christmas miracle. It was Christmas 1996, and snow covered the ground like a 4-foot thick blanket of snow. I woke at the crack of dawn and rushed downstairs to see what was the matter. And the matter was that God had not blessed us, every one. In fact, there were no presents under the tree. The lack of the presence of presents was disturbing. Even more disturbing was the spirit that was present. It was the Ghost of Christmas Present. So instead of actual packages tied up with strings, all that was there were ghosts of presents tied up with strings. When I tried to open one of them, I felt of jolt of electricity shoot up my arm. It was at that point that I realized that I was not unwrapping a ghostly present, but instead sticking a fork into an outlet. I was worth more dead than alive, so I decided to jump into the river. I tried, but half-way down into the water under the Frank Redmon Memorial Bridge, I was caught by a sleigh pulled by eight tiny reindeer and driven by a jolly old elf. Well, it WAS driven by a jolly old elf, but I landed on him and killed him, apparently, because he disappeared. So I put on his suit and I turned into Santa Claus with a big ol' bushy beard and delivered presents all around the world in negative 5 hours (Santa can go back in time, it's true), and returned home in time to have Christmas morning again. And this time, the presents weren't ghostly. I got everything I always wanted! An Oscar Meyer Wienie Whistle, Zuzu's petals, a baby brother and a dad, a warrant for my arrest torn up into little pieces and five pairs of pants made out of strawberry rhubarb pie. It was a real Christmas miracle.

But even more miraculous is the miracle that occurs every year at Christmas: for about two weeks, everybody gets to pretend that being considerate and unselfish are actually good things. I mean, being able to pretend that is a REAL CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

The Hard Land of the Winter

Okay, so this isn't exactly RANDOM picture Friday, but still.

I just made a banner for my friend's blog from a picture he took the other day. Here it is...




But now I want you all to vote on which you think is better, the first one, or this totally awesome second one?

Bad Photoetry Thursday: A Combination of Judgments Made By You

Also, you probably all know this already, but you should totally go to msdewey.com and search for blockbuster video.

List Tuesday: Lose These Streets and Crowds

Christmas Songs I Can't Listen To

This will be a short list. I love Christmas music, but there are a few songs that I can't listen to. I don't hate them because, hey, they're still Christmas songs!

1. Santa Baby - Madonna: The Eartha Kitt version takes Madonna's version out behind the shed, ties it to a pole and punches it once in the kidneys.


2. The GD Barking Dogs - Jingle Bells: Actually, this one applies to any novelty songs in which samples of animal sounds at different pitches are strung together to make a melody.


3. Silent Night - Chewbacca(?): Actually, this one applies to any novelty songs in which fictional creatures sing the melody. Stupid 101.4 FM.


4. Up On the Roof Top - Any Version: There is a line that says "First comes the stocking of little Will." But no it doesn't. It doesn't, and that is shit.

List Tuesday: I Can Hear All the Cries of the City

Stupid Dictionary.com Words of the Day from the Last 25 Days That I Didn't Already Know

1. Subaltern - Ranked or ranged below; subordinate; inferior. This will be put to good use immediately


2. debouch - To emerge; to issue. No no no, you are thinking of debAUch you sick weirdo.


3. Argus-eyed - Extremely observant; watchful; sharp-sighted. I'm pretty sure that this isn't even a real word.


4. None. Seriously, out of 25 words, I already knew all but three of them. Come on dictionary.com, you are supposed to be really helping me bone up my vocabulary. Risible? Sartorial? Proclivity? Exacerbate? Mollify? Yeah, maybe a few people don't know those words already. IN PRISON!!

I've Been Waiting So Long To Be Where I'm Going

Hey all y'alls, I have a favor to ask for a friend of mine. She's an old friend. We go way back. So far back that I haven't seen her in more than eight years. Actually we were kind of enemies. But anyway, now we're not so....

Please read this post of hers and respond to her so she can have some ideas or something for this seminary final paper she's got to write.

And no, I haven't responded yet.

If You Don't Watch Out It'll Stick To You

You almost assuredly did not notice that the previous ten posts all had titles that were, at best, tenuously connected to the content of the posts. That's because we were bored around these parts and decided to use a lyric from each of the songs in the amazing 1977 self-titled album by the Roches. We are not joking when we say it is amazing. The three-part harmonies and audio verite guitar are to die for. So anyway, now all our posts will have titles taken from each of the 11 songs on Cream's Disraeli Gears, in album order.

Here's where you come in. You get to bitch about how inane this is. You also get to suggest albums for us to use after we have 11 posts (10 more) from Disraeli Gears. If no one responds with album suggestions, we will take that to mean that you would like us to use the same title every time. Fair enough?

List Tuesday: All of the People Were Charmed and Surprised

The 28 Awesomest Products from the 1220 Different Things Found in the SkyMall Catalog

1. The Klipsch iGroove ($249.99): You can totally plug your iPod into it!


2. The Party Zone Pack ($99.99): Ha ha ha! "Watch out for falling guests?" That is funny! I almost had milk coming out of my nose!


3. The Bose SoundDock ($299.95): You can totally plug your iPod into this one, too!
   


4. "Antique" Popcorn Maker on a Cart ($249.99): It's like bringing the carnival into your house every day. Only without the carnies since they aren't included. Neither are batteries. It probably doesn't use batteries.


5. Tri-Fold Wireless Mirror ($99.99): You can totally plug your iPod into this! IN THE SHOWER!!


6. Men's Reversible Shirt ($49.00): I can't tell you how many times I've thought to my self after spilling marinara sauce on my shirt, "Damn! I wish this thing was reversible!" Actually I can. It was never.


7. Griffin Road Trip ($79.95): You can totally plug your iPod into YOUR CAR!!1!!11!


8. Kettle Popcorn Maker ($99.99): Five words for you - Table. Top. Pop. Corn. Thing.


9. Zipconnect Stereo - Beetle ($89.95): You can totally plug your iPod into this miniature VW Beetle with WORKING HEADLIGHTS AND TAILIGHTS!!!!


10. Beetle Stereo Speakers ($129.95): You can totally plug your iPod into this OTHER miniature VW Beetle with WORKING HEADLIGHTS AND TAILIGHTS AND IT IS YELLOW!!!!


11. Scrolling License Plate Frames ($59.95): Lets you customize your license plate FRAME! Pretty much only for Virginians.


12. Sound Soother Alarm Radio ($129.95): You can totally plug your iPod into your ALARM CLOCK. Who cares if it doesn't have working headlights and tailights?


13. Countertop Popcorn Popper ($999.95): Seven words for you - Even. Better. Table. Top. Pop. Corn. Maker. The thing is 10 times more better than the other one!!!


14. iPod Nano Speakers System ($59.99): You can totally plug your iPod NANO into it!!!


15. Footed Pajamas ($59.99): Because every Kiss should begin with "pajamas."


16. MP3 Alarm Clock/Radio ($29.95): You can totally plug your iPod into this and it can't be exported!! Suck on that Canada!


17. Fungal Nail Relief ($36.00): What else is there to say?


18. Bedside Phone Center w Dock ($179.95): You can totally plug your iPod into it and it is an alarm clock AND A TELEPHONE!!!! Thank you Sharper Image!


19. Porcelain Origami Crane ($16.95): I tried making one of these once. Porcelain doesn't fold for shit. HOW DO THEY DO THIS??? AMAZING!!!


20. ITOWER Speaker System w Dock ($199.95): You can totally plug your iPod into it and it is TALLER THAN MOST THREE-YEAR-OLDS!!!!


21. Popcorn Popper With Cart ($1,595.00): Hands down, the cream of the crop of the fake, antiquey household popcorn makers. Hands. Down.


22. QUATTRO 4CD STEREO W Dock ($499.95): Is it an Audi? NOPE! But you can totally plug your iPod into it and it is TALLER THAN 3 AVERAGE 3-YEAR-OLDS STANDING ONE NEXT TO THE OTHER!!!!


23. ADVANTAGE MAX CAMO ROBES ($59.99): More like, ADVANTAGE ME as I hide in plain sight in this robe. I will disappear. Sweet.


24. Mini Travel Speakers ($39.85): You can totally plug your iPod into it IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM! Also, now save 10 cents on this product!!!


25. Firefly Survival Poncho ($89.95): I can see it now....A fire starts at your home, so you rush to your closet to find your survival poncho, it takes a while to see it in the dark, especially buried under all those clothes but hey, now you're safe. Next you run into your kids' room. The flames are really jumping now. You yell at the kids to run out of the house with you only they see you in your survival poncho and have the bejesus scared out of them because you look like a dementor so they hide under the bed and refuse to come out. You all burn to death. Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all.


26. POLK AUDIO I-Sonic ($599.99): You can totally plug your iPod into it! PATENTED POWERPORT TECHNOLOGY!!!


27. PowerSquid ($79.95): Actually, this one is pretty cool. Overpriced, but still.


28. iCarta Stereo Dock ($99.99): You can totally plug your iPod into it WHILE DROPPING THE KIDS OFF AT THE POOL!! That joke never gets old or stupid! Does it? Does it?

Hey, guess what! As an added bonus for sticking around all the way to the end (or scrolling down) you get another list! Best list ever! It should be sold in the SkyMall catalog it is so awesome.





THE WORD

1. Bird