Post-Modern Uncertainty and Its Implications

One of the biggest mysteries in all of science is the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. It speaks directly to the post-modern paradigm in that nothing can be known completely. An even bigger mystery in science is: Did Werner Von Heisenberg ever complete his cat-in-a-box experiment, or was he just messing with us? Is there, somewhere lost to science, a box with a possibly immortal cat in it? Because, if that box has never been opened and the cat actually is alive and not a superposition of alive and dead, that seems like a pretty big deal. I mean IMMORTAL CATS!! It’s possible that the box is also in fact traveling at or near the speed of light, so time dilation would mean that the cat might actually be older than the age of the known universe.



If this is true, what are the implications for humankind? Some have said that it is a strong possibility that this immortal light-speed cat is actually God’s avatar in the human consciousness. But that’s basically a BS theory. Others have said that the cat is just a Cat God, and not an actual God and that icanhazcheezburger.com is a sacrilegious slap in the face to all box-believing cats because the light-speed box Cat God actually speaks the King’s English better than Dickens. Finally, others have placed upon the shoulders of this light-speed cat-in-a-box the blame for the most evil thing in the known universe. That thing is jean shorts, and if this is true, the time-dilating cat-speed light-box must be real because Heisenberg could never have believed that clothing could be both short and made from denim at the same time. It’s just too stupid.