Minimum Wage. HEEYAAAAAAH!

The other day, I was walking around the neighborhood when....ah, who am I kidding, I never walk anywhere. I mean, there aren't even sidewalks. By the way did you ever notice that just the name "sidewalk" is car-centric? Why is walking relegated to the
"side?" Why don't we call roads "sidedrives?" Anyway, what was I talking about?

So in our neighborhood we've got this meat store called Nitsche's Meats. Imagine my disappointment when they didn't have any, not even one, Ubermensches. The meat is pretty good though, if you're into that kind of thing.

Death and that Fickle Dame, Fame.

So, I'm currently reading a biography of Kurt Cobain. Not for any real reason other than I thought it might be interesting. I'm not far enough in to decide how I feel about it, but for those of you who regularly read biographies (i.e. not me), do they always contain a lot of pop psychology analysis of how someone's childhood wrecked/hindered/ameliorated their adult life? If so, it's kind of annoying. Anyway, in reading this biography I have been formulating a horribly hackneyed and clichéd theory that dying or killing yourself will make you more famouser than other people. The following are a few unresearched and undocumented and sketchy case studies to "prove" my point.

Kurt Cobain Vs. Billy Corgan

VS

Believe it or not, these two used to be mentioned in the same breath as twin quasars of rock. Then look what happened. Kurt killed himself a few months after performing the best MTV Unplugged set ever (no I will not change my mind about this) and went out in a blaze of glory. Corgan, on the other hand, released a phenomenally popular bloated double album, broke up one of the best guitar bands of the 90's and is now some bald headed weirdo playing meandering electronic music. Recently, Mr. Corgan has even fallen far enough to publically pine for the reuniting of his old band, trying to get back a little of that faded glory. To sum it up: Cobain - Blaze of Glory. Corgan - Faded Glory. ALso, there have been at least 3 movies about the life and death of Kurt Cobain. There have been none about Billy Corgan. Finally, ask any "oh, my life sucks and I can only find my escape from my awful parents in music" fifteen year old who is better, Nirvana or the Smashing Pumpkins. They probably haven't even heard of the Smashing Pumpkins.

Jim Morrison Vs. Roger McGuinn

VS

Was your response the same as mine? Roger McWho?? That's because he's not dead. If you don't know, he was the lead singer of the Byrds. Who were the Byrds, you ask? A band that was also from LA but is not as famous as the Doors because Roger didn't die. Don't think the two bands are comparable? You are way overestimating the popularity the Doors had at the time. Do you know why? Exactly. Because Jim Morrison died at a young age. I wouldn't say he went out in a blaze of glory though, more like a face of hair. Number of movies made about Jim Morrison: at least 1. Movies made about Roger McGuinn: None that I know of.

Janis Joplin Vs. Grace Slick

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Both were standout female singers back in the sixties. Ms. Slick was actually more successful. She was maybe even a better singer, but what's your reaction when you hear her name now? "Oh, you mean that crazy old washed up hippie?" Janis Joplin, however, brings to mind a rock and/or roll life lived on the edge. Who knows though, maybe if Ms. Joplin hadn't have died she would have proceeded to record the worst song ever. Instead, she did die and left the onerous task of recording the worst song ever up to Ms. Slick, who succeeded admirably. Just try to listen to We Built This City. I can't bring myself to.

Jimi Hendrix Vs. Jeff Beck

Again, we have the "Who?" factor, as in "Who in the world is Jeff Beck?" Who cares? I mean sure, he was a good guitarist and all, but, come on, did he die by choking on his own vomit? No he did not. That means he's still around today, just another sad, aging musician who didn't know when to call it quits. And Jimi Hendrix? Who knows what he would have done? By the time he died he was already getting a little weird. Instead, he took the high road and ODed on something. Maybe he would have turned out to be another Brian Wilson. You know, an amazingly talented crazy dude who is looked at with a little respect and a lot of sympathy. Brian, you should have offed yourself. You'd be a GOD now. Like Jimi is.

Eliot "Mama" Cass Vs. Anyone Else In The Mamas And The Papas

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Do I even need to say anything about this? She died because of a ham sandwich. A ham sandwich, for crying out loud! I mean, it's not even a cool way to die! But because of it, she's the only one from the Mamas and the Papas anyone remembers. Behold, the power of death.




There are so many more examples, I don't have time to go into all of them. Just consider:

• Buddy Holly (Revered Early Rock God) Vs. Little Richard (Now Playing County Fairs!)

• John Bonham/Keith Moon Vs. The Drummer for the Rolling Stones. Seriously, do you even know who that is? Or the Drummer from Cream? Nobody knows that one. Ginger Rogers or something like that?

• Dimebag Darrell Vs. The Rest of Pantera. Most people don't even know who Pantera are!

• Bono Vs. Michael Stipe. Actually, neither of these guys are dead. It's just that the world would be better off without them.

• Danny Gatton Vs. Eric Clapton. Well, Clapton is and will always be more famous, which is a crying shame. Danny Gatton was the best guitarist of his generation and he couldn't even get any publicity by committing suicide. You should have heard him play, with his fingers flying across the frets as if by magic. Life's not fair I guess.
  

• Some rap dudes, but I don't know anything about rap, so I will not comment.
  

All in all, there must just be something about our society that loves the flameout, the tragic figure, the bigger-than-life death. Besides, it's so much easier to idolize someone if they die before they do anything really stupid. That's a lesson for all you wannabe musicians out there. In the immortal words of someone I'm too lazy to look up, "It's better to burn out than to fade away."

P.S. Did you know that Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, and Whatsisface Johnson all died at the age of 27? Weird huh?